Sep 30, 2008

Footnote to video

I just have to say it. The appearance is that the FBI is providing safe haven for pedophiles. Is that the message they want to be conveying?

How much is government entrenched in that world? We all have seen so many politicians under the spotlight for sexual proclivities. I recall the one Dateline where a state legislator was identified as a pedophile. We know it is at all levels of society to include our vast government.

I learned something very important about pedophiles. Most of us know that rape is not about sex; it's about power. The same is true for pedophiles. For them, it's about absolute power. It's as if the person is void of feelings unless he or she is completely dominating another. That explains the viciousness of their crimes with such intentionality. I haven't known a survivor of this abuse yet who didn't believe she would have died if her mind hadn't coped through DID.

While women are in the minority, they do represent a portion of the world of pedophiles. It has been my personal experience (through the shared history of others), that female pedophiles are just as deadly with emotional abuse as sexual abuse. Know there is no remorse in such people.

"Sociopath: a person, as a psychopathic personality, ...who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience." (

It seems that pedophile is beyond sociopath. I've been very troubled since assembling the video, because the FBI's lack of attention screamed out at me. Maybe one day very soon our collective voice can scream back at them. Not only to add that one column to their weekly police reports for "reported cult abuse", but also to back up the individual's report at the local level with documentation. This is where understanding and accepting DID as the manifestation of horrific abuse BEFORE AGE 6 is crucial. Interviewing someone with DID under current predator abuse by necessity must involve speaking to the dissociated states who know the abuse and other helpful facts such as names, locations, or partial descriptions.

The helpful truth will be in the patterns of reports and child alter drawings. That's not going to happen unless the community makes it safe to report. So much change. Pedophiles and their spokespeople have run the country for too long.

Sep 29, 2008

GraceNote Productions

I can't say producing my Crusader Rabbit video was a labor of love. It was a labor of passion. And inspiration came from a new online friend whom I thank very much. For those of you who know me, feedback is welcome as well as suggestions for what to highlight in a future video. I loved having others' art to present. If you know survivors who are willing to share anonymously, please send it along.

I just had a weird thought jump into my head (which I guess is how I get most internal messages these days--mostly from inner wisdom). My "production" was about kiddie porn. The antidote for having been in kiddie porn? It was very intense yesterday. Sarah McLachlan's song was "it" and I knew I would incorporate mostly images I acquired for the blog as well as survivor art. Beginning at 7 am yesterday, I worked pretty much straight through until 3:30 am when it was uploading to YouTube. When I woke up, a really scary collage was the selected image. eeks! Maybe...just maybe, it will be viewed by someone who can do something in the law enforcement arena.

Lately I've realized how intense and driven I get on this topic. It's what it feels like post healing when someone moves "out front", "takes the driver's seat", whatever term you use. I can't say I don't have moments when I suddenly sound like "not me", but, for the most part, I'm integrated. In my case, several highly functioning adults integrated into the outside world with me. That may not make sense to anyone else. I've not seen it in the literature and no one else I know has had a similar experience. The adults are strong and healed. Am guessing "Crusader Rabbit" identifies the adult with the drive for advocacy. I'm very aware now of the subtle shift into great intensity. It does make it important that I balance that with fun.

A commenter yesterday asked that I share more about integration. I won't be addressing that till later in Forbidden Topic but will share as appropriate (or as thoughts fly into my head) here. Through the majority of my healing I could go inside. Possibly I preferred being inside. I could have a dialog with any protector at any moment. Sometimes it seemed that they had some kind of guard duty schedule. lol. Now, what I believe to be permanent aspects of my inner wisdom are basically all who is readily there although I have very little dialog. Sometimes I miss that.

At times of great distress--and there were so many this past year with my medical nightmare--I can count on encouragement, support, and guidance to get me through. I remain and always will be in awe of that internal power. I believe each of us has it. Many of my therapy clients were able to tap into that aspect of themselves (regardless of diagnosis or issue) and it was life changing for those who were able to do that. I guess we (the survivors) could view that as an advantage since our inner wisdoms kicked in likely when we were preverbal or barely talking.

Life is calmer, quieter, less PTSD, fewer triggers, and dramatically less fear. I am blessed to have my first completely conscious relationship in my life with a wonderfully supportive person. Even with that, at times I still get that "I'm just tired, I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up" message. It's been there since high school. I know I need to shift into intensified self care mode when I hear that.

Today is a good day. I'm sleepy but not depressed. I'm happy the video is out there. Feel free to pass it on.

Sep 27, 2008

Every child deserves a chance

Good news today. Legislation has passed in New York to treat minors used for sexual exploitation as victims rather than prosecute them as offenders. This is certainly a step in the right direction. I would hope other states quickly follow suit. From my perspective, legislation needs to go that one step further to provide the same services to adult survivors of child exploitation who, through no fault of their own, don't remember until later in life. Assistance provided by this Safe Harbor Act includes counseling, emergency services and long term housing solutions.

I read something yesterday that made me think how the situation would be different if the nation went after pedophilia at its source of gathering. The issue was why pedophiles were not being given appropriate help to heal from their own child abuse. Without delving into the research, I believe it has been proven that, by the time the individual reaches a certain age, it's too late. It's true that pedophiles do train boys to become pedophiles. But if those boys were rescued and provided with resources for long-term therapy and safety, imagine the impact that could have for the boys who were saved as well as the nation. Getting help for young boys "in training" would reduce the pedophile population for the future.

I recall one of Katie's disclosures. Typically it was "older boys" or the "bad men" who came in groups. One day she told me a little boy was with them. She didn't know numbers but knew the boy was older than her. He could write and count. For some reason, the perps left the young boy with her for several hours while they went off to heaven only knows what destruction. She relayed that the little boy said he didn't like being with the men. In fact he helped her by hiding the "little phone" (the cell phone) so it would not be taken from her when they returned. That little boy told Katie. Even if the adult part of her was able to hear (co-consciousness) of the child's plea, her report to authorities would have been dismissed. Knowing about it and having no resources to report feels very helpless.

If I become aware of a child's abuse, I am compelled to report to Children & Youth within 24 hours. Since I had already been rebuffed by law enforcement several times and knew how they treated both Katie and my other client, I had no resources. In Tyler's case, he reported his toddler brother was also being hurt by bio mom and her boyfriend as well as the boyfriend's teenage son. I can only hope that Tyler's stepbrother was rescued from that situation. Tyler was terrified of the toddler, viewing him also as someone who hurt him. My mind has only one concept of what might have been done to cause that to happen, but just is no telling. Maybe one day Tyler will have the vocabulary to tell.

In my memories, my younger sister's mere appearance in a dream caused me to wake up screaming in terror. It took several years to fully process what that meant. The answer I got was that I had been told repeatedly that she could kill me if she were told. That made sense because she was so aggressive as a child. She would fight at the least provocation with fingernails digging, biting, hair pulling. My older sister and I were nonviolent and tried to protect ourselves from her. Of course any complaining we did to our parents about the little sister being so mean led to scolding or worse because we were older and were supposed to know better or set an example. It wasn't until we were all adults that we could get along together. You can see how subconsciously I would avoid my sister for any type of affectionate bond.

No matter what I remembered, it made perfect sense in the spectrum of my conscious life. It was self-validating. Those who would ask, "Where's the proof", I would answer "in the healing". I was lucky. I didn't have to wait for ten misdiagnoses before I knew I had DID. I found a good therapist within two years. I did heal. I've been at home for a year recuperating from a medical disaster learning I was the therapist other psychiatrists and doctors were referring their dissociative patients to. There is such a shortage of trained therapists. It's not fair. I know that life is not fair. But this whole issue of survivors having to go through hurdle after hurdle, fighting to heal, is so not fair.

Sep 26, 2008

Thy will be done

In 1994, I watched Stephen King's The Stand, a television mini-series. It was the first time in my life (I was 42 at the time) that I understood the phrase "Thy will be done". I said it as part of a prayer but thought it was an incomplete phrase. What will be done? I didn't get it. It was an OMG moment when I realized it referred to MY WILL--my choices, my decisions, my will. My memories didn't surface until several years later so it had no greater meaning at the time. In reflection, I could see I was clueless about what my will was. It was a document for after I died. Obviously, having no concept of personal choice was a huge message I held subconsciously.

"Will" went with sheep to me in my artwork. After many images I realized I was the lamb following the will of someone else. In my internal system, Will was a person who was very tortured. In fact, many concepts of human identity were made to be literal. People often laughed at my responses to statements because of my genuine confusion. Soul went with a shoe and was walked all over. Heart was something that they took out if you told. Commitment is what happened if you told (committed to an asylum). Needless to say I was pretty effed up subconsciously. Metaphor was literal and concept was made reality.

In the later years of my healing before I fully understood the message of concepts as being made into something concrete to cause confusion, I surrounded myself with Philosophy products. If you aren't familiar with that line of beauty products, just search them on the internet or go to I had products called Hope in a Jar, When Hope is Not Enough, Grace (a perfume), Eye Believe, and Soul Owner. Philosophy products have wonderful inspirational writings on them. It was a neat discovery to my healing. I was subconsciously changing my internal messages by surrounding myself with concrete examples of my humanity.

What I know for certain about the religious aspect of the abuse is my still ongoing confusion between the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene. My best friend is Catholic and helped me through what I knew versus the Catholic teaching. I was consciously raised another religion. I did things that were Catholic but backwards or skewed. I don't know why that backwardness is so set into my mind to this day. When The DaVinci Code came out, I was, "See! It IS Mary Magdalene!"

As part of my healing, I embraced concepts of Native American Indians with some Buddha and Zen. I created my own rituals. One day I took my newly purchased white sage and decided to smudge the house. I had a special bowl to burn the sage. I walked through the house circling my hand around and over the smoke to waft it over me and over special areas of the home. That was fine except a young child part of me joined with me and began to say, "Hail Mary full of Grace". Grace was a person, not the lovely meaning it has now. I called my friend and told her what I was doing. She said her mother used to bless her house each year by burning frankincense and myrhh while reciting the "hail Mary". How did I know that? It was a lovely memory for my friend. Undoing religious confusion remains ongoing.

Grace is a name I took on as my own in the final stages of healing as I prepared for graduation with my counseling degree. I wanted my newly chosen name of healing on my diploma. I took ownership of my Grace...and my soul and my hope and my will. My will be done. My choices now. I choose to fight this battle against the world of evil. In doing so, I believe Thy will be done.

Sep 23, 2008

A dilemma of the underworld variety

I’m not able to convey Katie’s story at this time but I can relay my story. What happened…is still happening…to Katie is an example of how insidious organized pedophilia is and how unbelievable it sounds. It is because of Katie that I have the full picture of the vastness, invisibility, and community denial of the existence of sophisticated pedophiles. They are like wolves and travel in packs. Rarely had Katie recalled only one perp. My other client had her evil “posse” harassing her in the outside world and the same group of people entering her home to hurt her who were part of the group in the robes. She knew they were all the same people. Katie has the intensity and frequency of abuse without the masked charade.

I don’t understand the frequency. It’s relentless. All survivors I have known of intentional DID have memories that make us all question how it happened. In trying to advocate for Katie with police and another organization to help women, my explaining that Katie was being “hurt” in her home and other locations was dismissed as her lying to me for attention. No one took my reports seriously. Don't you think, as a therapist, I would have some sense if someone was lying to me? The belief that DID can be faked is so far fetched. When you see it on television, remember the actors are acting. They know what to say and do and there are retakes if they get it wrong--to make the audience believe DID is an "easy deception". Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I recall in my healing having a moment when I thought it would have been impossible to have been abused as much as I was recalling. My own unbelievability factor surfaced many times. Of course survivors question what comes up too. It's why those who don't want the world to figure out try at all costs to prevent survivors from speaking to each other...much the same way siblings are manipulated to not get along in an incestuous environment. What is known is that organized pedophiles do everything to extreme to maintain their unbelievability quotient. Since I had two survivors with such similar circumstances but different groups (communities not far from each other), each telling me a frequency of abuse of at least several times a week, it was more of a validation of what I knew from my own memories and those of every other survivor born into a family of see, hear, speak no evil.

My own family has no recollection when I was gone for weeks at a time as proven in school records. The perp message is “remember to forget”. I still don’t notice if someone or something is missing. I don’t see who or what is not there. I literally forget my friends if I don’t see an email from them every few days. I’ll eventually remember. I call it “falling off my radar”.

Pedophiles have perfect set ups, especially if there are small (or not so small) groups of families known to be part of the underground where a victim “chooses” to live. It’s the only explanation for no one reporting the constant barrage to home and body. There are other options available to pedophiles though, particularly when the former child has a driver's license and access to a car. To be continued.

Sep 21, 2008

Is there a nice word for a pedophile?

I think it was the beginning of Friday's Oprah when she commented on the huge response to her plea for viewers to contact their state senators to pass the Protect the Children legislation before the Senate. She also indicated she had received the most vile email ever from predators. They don't like it when their world is messed with. Oprah can make people take action. And she can afford the security that goes with threatening a nation of pedophiles.

While she reinforced some of the themes I've tried to convey, she missed the mark again. I thought she almost had it. She indicated how "systematic" they were and how organized they were. She relayed how they use the internet to exchange secrets of how to lure children. (Really? I wouldn't have expected that...) Then, when she could have shifted to how pedophiles were in existence long before the internet and built their bases "underground" and invisibly, she returned to how important it was to crack down on the internet predators who trade the kiddie porn.

OMG. It's not just kiddie porn! So much more is being done with children than trading their pictures on the internet. Can you say "child exploitation"? Why not go after the level where the CHILDREN ARE. I'm frustrated. Can you tell?

I already wrote to Oprah and John Walsh. Maybe if you do too, someone with clout will pay attention. The big question, "Pedophiles know dissociation. Do you?"

One more vent and that's it for today. It's tough letting one's mind be down in the gutter in that horrid place. The word "pedophile" is offensive to many. That is why "predator" is more accepted. Guess what, people? It is ugly. There is nothing delicate or easy about it. We, as a nation, need to take our heads out of the sand and see this ugly world our children are subjected to. We have to wrap our heads around it, for lack of a better term, to understand how to best protect the children from it and how law enforcement can best strategize to pursue and obliterate it.

It is going to take an army. But I do believe it can be done community by community if the people scream loudly enough for proper education, funding, and action.

Unbelievable resources

I don't remember my own followers or enforcers or whatever the bad guys are called who hang around your life once leaving childhood and/or the home of a parent pedophile. I know it happens. I just didn't know to what degree. As a therapist, I witnessed several people constantly harass, frighten, and trigger my first client who knew she was tied to organized pedophiles who hid behind the devil worship scenario. She told me often that she had seen certain people follow her and/or be visible as a threat when she arrived at my office. I began to walk out with her following her appointment and the people she had described were indeed there.
I became familiar with several vehicles, drivers, bicycle man, and one or two who happened to always be strolling right past the steps to the practice at the time the door opened for her to exit. It was alarming how their timing always coincided even when her appointment time or date changed. In trying to report the stalking tactic to local police, I was told, unless someone actually hurt her, nothing could be done. Of course, reporting "cult" activity was useless. It was known among therapists in the area that certain towns and communities were known for supporting (or not deterring) such activities, police included. It only takes one police officer in a small community department to make it miserable for those trying to report.

Because I had tried to gain more protection for her, and because I was helping her undo some of the messages keeping her stuck from healing, I became a target. I guess the theory is that hopefully either the therapist or victim/survivor will be too frightened to continue. Bike man would dart out into traffic from between cars where he couldn't possibly see me at precisely the moment my car was next. That can only happen if a second person is involved and knows exactly where I am and informs bike man. It didn't matter how late I worked, that bike whizzed right past me as I came down the steps outside. Who was watching my office for the light to go out? And where were they watching from?

I went to a law enforcement gear store and purchased mace. The store was staffed by off duty police officers. One showed me the correct way to use the mace and helped me understand my rights. I could only use the mace if I felt threatened. As much as I wanted to spray bikeman as he passed by, that wasn't allowed. I had pictures of several of the victim's perps and automobiles. That continued until last year when I had to stop work for medical reasons.

A year after beginning work with the first actively abused client, I began to work with a second woman newly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and referred to me. At the time we began our work, neither of us knew she was still actively being assaulted by a group of "older boys" and a few "men" who seemed to lead the group. I again witnessed the car described by a child alter following her as well as other vehicles over the course of our work. My name was used to threaten the child part--they would kill me if she kept on seeing me. I became aware of her perps following me and cutting me off on several occasions--not as predictably as my other client. When activity heated up, I carried a camera in my car. I have photos of the red Silverado 4x4 that harassed me on my way to spontaneously run an errand (coincidentally when my SO was out of town for the weekend).

My thinking was that I could have been wrong about the red truck. Maybe it was just an idiot driver. I would know on my return trip because "they" would get back on my trail at about the place they got off my trail. Having had that experience, I was afraid to stop and get gas even though I was completely on empty. My camera was ready. I passed the shopping mall parking lot where the man in the red hat turned off. He pulled out in front of me at the first major intersection after the mall. He stayed ahead of me until I was turning down my street from the last major road. He turned the other way. I clearly saw the same person both times. And I had gotten photos of the truck and license plates.

When I looked at the photos, my program was able to view the license plates clearly. Knowing they used stolen/lost license plates, I wanted to have the picture for both directions. I was surprised (and not surprised) to see it was two different red Silverado 4x4s. One was an older version. If the day ever comes where someone is interested in catching these thugs, I would bet both license plates lead nowhere. The change of vehicle means at least one other person was involved. And who knew I was leaving my home where I live in a garaged townhome? Who knew my SO was away?

Two different survivors of abuse from different groups of pedophiles. Each had at least four identifiable perps on a regular basis harassing or stalking them or me. It is not okay to heal. It is unfathomable to realize the "manpower" is so great that there might be multiple (no pun intended) perps assigned to one healing survivor to keep her from seeking help. That is astronomical resources if that is "typical".

It became known over the course of my work with one person that known perps lived nearby. For one it was in the same apartment complex. She was able to recognize certain perps as the same ones in the horror ceremonies. My other client actually moved from one home where she had been abused in a dissociative state for more than ten years. Within several weeks of moving to her new apartment, they were inside that dwelling with no neighbors reporting anything suspicious. How can this happen? Are there pedophile communities where victims think they are consciously choosing to live?

Initially I believed all of my abuse happened either at the hands of my father growing up to the time I broke free when I was in my late teens. Consciously I just knew I hated him and wanted to get away. He used numerous tactics that caused me to remain in the same home. It sickens me to think of the guilt I endured believing it would "kill my mother" if I moved out on my own. In any event, it was later in my healing that I began to recall abuse since moving to the area where I still live. My parents moved far away thirty years ago. The first person to come up as a perp in my local life (and adult life) was a much loved next door neighbor from my high school years. His family and our family were close friends even after we moved into another neighborhood. I stayed in touch after my parents moved away. Eventually I severed ties with anyone from my past realizing I just had no way of knowing who was a good guy or a bad guy.

During a session with one of the currently-abused individuals, she blurted out the name of my former neighbor as one of her abusers. Talk about a conflict of interest. She transitioned to working with another therapist. That validation was so stunning and unexpected. I babysat for that family. I was in his home so many times. He referred me to the company and provided a reference for my first employment out of high school--the company where he worked. Doesn't that just bring up all kinds of other questions?

This is a small area compared to many cities in the U.S. Survivors are in every community. The more absurd it sounds, remember that's the way it was meant to sound. If I'm sounding beyond belief, gotcha.

Sep 19, 2008

FBI needs to open its eyes

I recall (consciously) about 10 years ago reading that the FBI had data on child deaths, missing reports, and abuse reports from all or many police departments. No column was allocated for reports of cult abuse. No one was tracking. If they had, they would have realized it was a national issue. Maybe they knew it would be too high and they'd have to dedicate resources to it which they didn't have. Who knows.

When writing yesterday's Forbidden Topic post, which IS the big jaw dropping, OMG picture of where organized pedophiles conduct the majority of their crimes, I went to see what the FBI's stance now, a decade later. The FBI website has a page dedicated to Crimes Against Children. Cults are not mentioned. Other information was found documenting the FBI's position that there is no evidence to support the existence of "satanic cults". One report purportedly from the FBI on another website did outline strategies for dealing with the new religious movements (i.e. Heaven's Gate, Waco). That means, organized pedophile is not activity being monitored nationally.

If that's the national perspective, how the heck is law enforcement going to effectively penetrate the crime of organized pedophilia? It raises a question about government culpability. Maybe Michael Moore will take this on as his next project.

According to the FBI's statistics, in 2007 there were 643,744 persons missing under age 18. Total missing persons in 1990 was 1.4 million while in 2007 the number had jumped to
2.2 million (not classified by age groups).

So here it is in a nutshell...
Organized pedophilia hides behind the guise of cults (demonic or otherwise).

The FBI does not acknowledge the existence of such cults.

No matter how much money is thrown at law enforcement to dedicate to go after pedophiles, they won't be getting to the strategic hubs where the children are being systematically abused IN GROUPS because they don't exist to our government.

Is somebody out there outraged at this as much as me? Someone whose voice will make a difference? How about all caring parents coming together to demand the nation wake up to this problem? Children are being hurt in unimaginable ways because our views have been shaped by those doing the abuse at all levels of society including government. Pedophiles aren't a small segment of society. They have woven their webs into every fabric of society. More is needed than getting rid of the internet pedophiles. The internet is used for trading what is produced in volume by the organizations pretending to be something no one believes.

You are encouraged to do your own research on the FBI and views on cult abuse (labeled ritual abuse). The FBI denial goes back to the 90s when Kenneth Lanning, an FBI agent, was the child abuse "expert". He apparently wrote his opinion informing law enforcement cult abuse was a myth. If you look at the stripped down reality of one survivor's memory of horror in yesterday's Forbidden Topic post, you can see why the cults are invisible. It's "just people".

No one is going to find the demons unless they know where the pedophiles in costumes gather for their no-one-word-is-evil-enough-to-describe activities. If you watched Oprah's show on Monday, you saw how invisible the next door neighbor and good family friend was entrusted with others' children without hesitation. That's how invisible the organized pedophiles are--unless you listen to the survivors.

Also consider that adult survivors remembering abuse are remembering from several decades ago. Possibly "their" perps are no longer on this earth, but this is one skill guaranteed to be multi-generational. Going to look where a "group meeting" had been held 20-40 years after the fact produces nothing. Interviewing survivors of the area, it is likely several locations will be identified. Law enforcement has to come down on these groups where they met AS they meet. The most current information would be an older child in therapy who is getting the correct help and is SAFE.

Since a child being abused by organized pedophiles is likely to have a parent who is one of the pedophiles, that safety factor is extremely rare. Maybe one day a pedophile at the top of the heap will talk. But that will only identify a local or possibly several group hubs. It won't touch the number of groups in this country.

Where is the John Walsh for this cause?

Sep 18, 2008

Major depression to the nth degree

*Trigger warning*
While it goes without saying, I'm going to say it anyway. Children of abuse are very sad children. Survivors, when asked when they first remember being depressed, will generally recall a specific time during or before high school when they first thought of wanting to die. My personal message since high school was "I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up." Passive suicidal thoughts.

Children of abuse at the hands of sophisticated and/or organized pedophiles have a very confusing world. Consciously they know holidays and birthdays are supposed to be times of fun and joy. Subconsciously such dates have horrendous meaning to include intentional messages of death, "forced suicide", worthlessness, and inability to be loved...somehow through their own fault. A child with DID lives in a world of constantly conflicting extremes.

"Forced suicide" is when a dissociated self is trained in a specific way to commit suicide. There's a most devious strategy for this. If something goes awry and the child begins to remember prematurely or any other undesired result, perps can cue an "age appropriate" suicide. Let me explain. Much to my horror, I found a very young little (maybe 3 years old) who was supposed to drink a bottle of bleach if told to do so. Another older self believed bleach was some magic elixir of the gods. Throughout my healing I uncovered and fortunately healed an untold number of parts who outlived the method of age-appropriate suicide. I had always hated to do laundry. When I was married, I avoided the laundry room in my home (or anywhere else) at all costs. After discovering the terrified little and her bleach message, that fear made perfect sense to me. The bleach was in the laundry room. When she healed, I could do laundry again. I still avoid actually using the bleach though. Thank goodness for that bleach for colors. It's blue :-)

I think I strayed from the point. Organized perps don't have to get their hands dirty if someone needs to be eliminated. They rely on the suicide alters to do their job. Processing so many selves recalling an urge to suicide by different methods is exhausting. I hate to say it becomes "same old, same old" by the time you get through a certain number of healings of such sad and frightened parts, but it sort of does. Some adult selves had very strong urges to self-destruct which was tricky to say the least...not to mention terrifying to me that they might actually take over my consciousness and that's the last I'd ever know. Obviously that didn't happen, but it is a concern during the process.

Of course there are huge messages to self destruct when memories surface and some new suicide messages are tied to specific memories as the healing continues. It makes me wonder how many *suicides* were dissociated selves successful in carrying out the mission of the perps. That became a helpful message. Parts trained to suicide were generally extremely relieved to hear they no longer needed to hold onto that job.

"Major Depressive Disorder" is one of the diagnoses that goes with anyone who has DID. IMO there needs to be a higher degree than "Major" for the level survivors of organized pedophilia endure. While healing the sad insiders, depression becomes more tolerable. But even after achieving a level of high functioning to move on with one's life, trauma continues to process in the background impacting conscious mood. I was able to live without antidepressants into my early 50s--mostly because I couldn't tolerate any of the antidepressants available. For an unknown conscious reason, my depression shifted into high gear a year into my working as a therapist. Thank heavens for Cymbalta.

Blooming Lotus has a post today about "holidays" when perps held their gatherings each year. It reminded me how my mood fell drastically yesterday. It's a few days before the first day of Autumn. That means an equinox. Full moons. Birthdays. Halloween. All the dates on the scary calendar that organized pedophiles use for their frequent group gatherings. Yes, the calendar looks horrific and unbelievable. Clue...clue...clue. I hate Halloween. I'm okay now seeing the lit pumpkins and kids in costumes and almost okay seeing the aisle of masks and spooky stuff in stores. But nothing helps whatever is going on in my subconscious remembering the horror...the excuse called Halloween for monstrous harm to young children.

Isn't it wonderful strolling down memory lane as a survivor???! The good news is, as survivors come out of that land of woundedness, there is an evolution into a life of new memories and making new traditions and safe holidays. And realizing that sad is not the "default" mood one should feel.

Sep 17, 2008

Crusader Rabbit

I found this at the ToonTracks website...for those with not as much trivia in their minds. Ha! With all the stuff I can't remember, I retained the weirdest information.

Sep 16, 2008

Crusader Rabbit on the warpath

Since watching Oprah yesterday, I was up several times with what seemed to be a continuous nightmare, recalling slumber parties when I was a teen at the home of my best friend. My memories tell me she was also victim. Her father and my father were friends. Our families were friends. Did more happen at those slumber parties? I don't know. But it sure kept coming up in my very unsettling dreams. Family members wandered through all nightmares. Just their presence in creates anxiety.

I woke up angry this morning. I mean fighting mad. Yesterday I made the effort to support legislation for more resources to go after pedophiles. How can we go after pedophiles with a vengeance while leaving the survivors of their despicable abuse in the dust? The injustice is palpable in my body. I'm turning into Crusader Rabbit as I type.

Here is our list of demands:
  • We need health insurance coverage for long-term therapy.
  • We need psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists to have incentives to treat survivors of long-term childhood trauma instead of withdrawing in fear of FMSF lawsuits.
  • We need the country to return to having sufficient facilities to treat adult survivors whose needs are beyond that of the outpatient therapist level, i.e. Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore, MD.
  • We need law enforcement and hospitals and social services and other helping agencies of the community to be educated with correct knowledge about DID so they can work respectfully and willingly with survivors.
Who is more qualified to help the newly funded law enforcement understand the entirety of the pedophile mindset than adult survivors who have healed to the point where the helping is empowering and life transforming? We are a vast resource of information but no one has bothered to ask and offers of sharing have been rebuffed...nationally.

We're here. We're healing. We're asking for national resources to heal from the devastation of abuse by pedophiles as much as we are offering our knowledge. And most of all, we want not to be kept in a closet. We survived ugly ugly abuse. I'm sorry if the world prefers not to know of such things. But we live in this world too. We are the adult survivors of organized pedophilia.

Sep 15, 2008

Today's Oprah Show on Pedophiles

I rushed home from physical therapy today to watch Oprah's show on pedophiles. Important points were made, especially that most abuse takes place in the home or by someone with frequent access to the child. A new law and additional funds for law enforcement will help. But it still misses the mark.

What good is it if pedophiles at the top of the pile are put in jail while survivors of their abuse are maligned members of society and the nation refuses to see the greater truth? Organized pedophiles are like bee hives. You have to track down the "queen bee" and the hive at one of their gatherings for sharing their love of hurting children. But that's not going to happen because we all know there are no such thing as cults. As long as we believe that, the world is swatting at the worker bees.

It's going to take a leader to get people to think differently--a spokesperson. I'm "just" a survivor of that horrific world and a therapist who has worked with survivors to help them heal. I have the big picture and a few blogs. All each of us can do is keep trying to get the truth out there.

One of the last statements on today's show was how we don't understand the pedophile mindset to inflict such harm. The survivors have the answers. And the nation has been trained well to completely dismiss their insight.

One person can't go after this. Yes, we need dedicated resources to attack it. Yes, we need funding for the resources. But we also need to understand the pedophile mindset to effectively make pedophilia a target. It lives in the cults. Which don't exist (?) Do you trust your children in a community where no one is listening to where the pedophiles gather?

You saw today how one pedophile (without the help from others except through internet knowledge) could drug an entire group of girls at a slumber party and videotape them for the porn "community". What do you think they are capable of doing in a group?

Please visit Oprah's website to support the Protect Our Children Act, legislation about to come up for a vote to better arm the nation to go after pedophiles. Do it soon and demand the legislature not leave for their break until it is passed.

Maybe this other knowledge will find its way to the "new guard" in time to be included in their overall strategy to go after pedophiles.

Sep 14, 2008

The big D

This blog is my safe place, more or less, to discuss and process what's on my mind after writing posts so entrenched in the pedophile mindset. Mostly I feel angry after posting about how children are spun around to cause disorientation. Why is that even questioned? We all know that anything to extreme is not good. When we play with children, they often enjoy being spun in circles. Think pedophile. Start off being a nice guy playing a game with the child. And then take it to the extreme. That's pretty much the basis of the mindset of inducing a dissociative state. And remember that they WANT the dissociative state so the child won't remember the evil perpetrated on him or her.

It's a sad reality that boys typically respond differently growing up with abuse, consciously or subconsciously, known or unknown. I've had the privilege of working with several men who weren't in the majority. Possibly it also depends on the sex of the abuser. If the main abuser was mom (and moms can be part of organized pedophilia too), it may provoke a different behavior response than an adult male in that child's life. I'm sure statistics are available but, at the moment, I'm not in research mode. Boys born or drafted into a world of abuse are usually taught how to be pedophiles. Girls are typically taught to submit to any pressure for sexual activity. Children tell by acting out. No child is born knowing how to sexually abuse another child.

There's an aspect of growing up dissociative I did not realize was so prevalent until I was a therapist working with survivors. Pedophiles can tell if a child is dissociative. I don't know how. Maybe we have an invisible D on our foreheads. It's rarely just a parent or single caretaker who was the abuser. It's a father and an uncle; or an uncle and the man down the street; or several brothers, a father and an uncle. Children who were a part of organized pedophilia seem to remember "parties" and auctions (children sold to the highest bidder for whatever perverted inclination the "buyer" has). I posted the link to a court case below. The pedophile charged confessed to placing an internet ad to trade a toddler for an older child.

Just imagine what it does to an adult survivor's sense of worth when memories of having been abused by many comes up...or being sold or traded. Such survivors have usually been in many unsuccessful relationships, have been predominantly promiscuous or anti-sex (or both when dissociative states are created), and they have no understanding of why they can't find the right person until they realize their subconscious world holds terror of men and so much horrific treatment.

I sure hope my blogs are getting people to talk about this. It has to come out of the closet and be examined. It's worth it even if I do have mild panic attacks after each post.

Sep 13, 2008

First sense of calm

I have been intensely engaged in the topic of pedophilia and wanted to pause and share two images from two different survivors. Most therapists working with DID help to ground the client in "safe place" imagery. This is not such an easy task since most survivors don't grasp the concept of "safe" yet in their lives. Those who can establish a secure internal safe place for healing tend to do better initially in my experience.

One drawing shows the survivor at a young age safely hugging one of her littles (young dissociated self). She explained how she was starved as a child for good touches and how good it was just to be able to hug her littles safely. The other drawing reflects an internal safe room where a protector is holding two littles while one hugs his arm.

No two survivors will visualize the same safe place. It is entirely a matter of individual needs and choices. The therapist's job is simply to guide the client to visualize (with all senses) a place where all parts of the self can gather to heal when it is time for each to heal. Personally, I find both to be very soothing and calming images. It's a good start in what begins as a feeling of complete internal chaos.

Sep 12, 2008

Backlash of "Telling"

As a survivor of years of abuse at the hands of organized pedophiles, I have instilled into my being--likely scarred into my being--the message it is not okay to tell. As a therapist who helped trauma survivors, I heard the same messages over and over again. Survivors used the same expressions to describe experiences. It was uncanny. Pedophiles do operate from the same "handbook".

With every aspect of my healing, I had to deal with "do not tell" threats and fear. When memories first begin to emerge, the fear is barely tolerable, it's so overwhelming. All the deeply instilled messages come up: Don't tell or you will die. Don't tell or we will kill everyone you love. If you tell, no one will believe you. If you tell, they will lock you up forever. We are watching your every move and know when you tell. So you can see going to see a therapist becomes a terrifying decision.

Setting up my websites and blogs to "tell" has triggered some residual horror. Consciously I know it is good telling. The world needs to know. Have others figured this out before? If so, I haven't seen it. Having come from that world full circle to helping others out of that world, I have my own insight plus knowledge from clients that connected my own dots. I have the unabashed truth. The most protected groups of organized pedophilia are the cults who appear to "worship Satan". The pedophile view is that they have created memories so horrific, the survivor, in remembering, will never get to the underlying level of messages that it was about perverted people hurting children in the most vile of ways.

And now the nation has been embroiled in an argument about whether ritual abuse or satanic cults exist and not getting to the underlying truth that it is about organized pedophiles ensuring their victims never tell or will never be believed. That's a huge "telling". I find it ironic that they did to the nation's mindset what they do to a child's mindset--keep everyone stuck at the unbelievable and unimaginable. "People don't DO that to children!" Well, pedophiles do.

Even though I am substantially healed, as I move through the rest of my life, I encounter new situations when it becomes apparent that something hasn't healed yet because it becomes "triggered". A trigger is anything in the environment that connects to a subconscious fear. Of course, once a person begins to identify their triggers, they are no longer subconscious. Even though known, it may take years to extinguish a trigger. Some of mine have extinguished. Some are controlled. And some still get that lovely startle scream. But the "do not tell" message, for me, has come up as body memories as much as internal messages of fear. The Body Remembers is a book I highly recommend to understand this aspect of healing abuse. The body has memory cells just as the brain does. Research has been released on this topic and is validated by several books and articles on the subject.

From the day I published Forbidden Topic, my body responded with several signs of remembered horror to include insect bites while confined in a small space and inability to move or scream to stop the pain of rising blisters in extremely painful and hidden areas of my body from cigarette burns. I had not realized the message that went with those memories was not to tell until now. Several messages usually accompany that level of especially "demonic" abuse. I don't know if my body will ever be able to stop showing me. It could be a self punishment my body was conditioned to perpetrate on me--if you tell, you'll be burned with cigarettes in the most painful areas.

Do I remember that being done to me? No. Do I believe it was done to me? Yes. Does it matter if anyone else believes it was done to me? No. Is it important for me to know so I can heal? Yes. But it is important for society to believe that organized pedophiles abuse in unimaginable ways. They can and do inflict horror for the purpose of trauma for the purpose of creating and reinforcing dissociative states to allow their activities to go on for years. I was recently made aware of a court decision outlining some of a sadistic pedophile's activities. This may be triggering to survivors. It is proof of the incomprehensible to a child.

Wake up, America. Hear me roar. Hear that children everywhere are prey, especially babies and youngsters before the age of six. Tyler, my client whom I worked with when he was 5-6 years old, remembered it all. I don't know how he didn't dissociate. Not dissociating (which is not the child's choice) allowed him to be believed. The same horrors that happened to him happen to those who have dissociated. Yet we choose to ignore their pleas for help? Think about it. Also think about the statistic that of children who die from abuse, the most deaths are for children under 5. Dissociation IS a survival skill.

Protecting the children bashed by McCain

According to the online Wall Street Journal blog of 9/9/08: Obama supported an Illinois state senate bill allowing for "age-appropriate" sex education for K-12 instruction. The intent of the bill was to protect young children from sexual predators. A McCain ad characterized Obama as someone who supported teaching kindergartners about sex before learning to read.

As long as politicians twist the well intentioned to help our young children be safe for political advantage, our nation's children who are prey to child predators everywhere at anytime will be more vulnerable to molestation, abduction, and worse.

It makes me wonder how prevalent the sickness of violating a child runs through our government. Oh...right. Politicians never have perverse sexual interests... Why is legislation for obliterating organized pedophilia not a non-partisan priority. When attention is taken away from the legislation, I have to ask, to what end? How many in government don't want the children protected?

A large segment of adult survivors whose amnesia "broke" later in life recalled military bases as well as politicians. We all know the military has no pedophiles so survivors must be lying, right? Government and our armed forces are not exempt from pedophiles.

Barack Obama, please continue your efforts as president to pass legislation to both educate our young children and actively pursue organized pedophile rings at all levels of society.

Sep 11, 2008

Elizabeth Smart - Commentary after Oprah

Yesterday I watched Oprah. She interviewed Elizabeth Smart who is moving on with her life. It is apparent she has not processed her past trauma and may be in denial. However, she is a child. She will be able to choose to enter therapy at some point in her life. I was appalled after the show when the majority of comments posted about the interview harshly criticized and blamed the victim for her own abduction.

Why didn't she scream? Why didn't she run away? Her parents should make her go to therapy. This is how we treat VICTIMS of abuse. The type of abuse endured by Elizabeth Smart is incomprehensible to anyone who has never been forced into the fight, flight, or freeze level of terror. The brain's survival mechanisms take over. Rational thinking may not be accessible. None of know she wouldn't have been killed if she had screamed. Her abuser threatened her with her own death and the death of her parents if she screamed.

If someone criticizing has never had a gun held to their head or a knife held to their throat or been in a situation where you believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person in control would take your life, then there is no right to criticize.

The young woman grew up in a loving family and was returned to a loving family. Some commenters pointed to the family's religion for preventing Elizabeth from getting therapy. Who are we to criticize her religious upbringing? Elizabeth stated it was her devotion to family and religion that got her through her time in captivity.

Returning to the world after being captive and constantly in fear for your life is a dramatic transition. It appeared to me that Elizabeth Smart did very well. She is moving on and appears secure and happy. It is highly likely she will need therapy to have healthy future intimate relationships at the very least.

We should applaud her bravery. Why does this nation insist on oppressing the victim? It tells me that even if everyone had access and was able to learn about dissociation, there are still those who would think somehow a young child was at fault for his or her own abuse. This kind of thinking is so beyond my realm of reasoning. I have to believe the good guys out there want to know the truth and would be outraged if they fully understand the ramifications of what I present in these blogs.

The child is never to blame for his or her own abuse. Never. It is the overpowering adult figure making the choice. What a sad commentary on our nation.

The need to change

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."- Maya Angelou

This network of blogs grew out of a passion (rage actually) to educate wherever possible about organized pedophilia. The nation has bought the propaganda and those behind the propaganda are wreaking devastation for children brave enough to tell and for adults who didn't know as children but remember later in life.

As a therapist, I had few options for clients with DID. If the client had good insurance, she might be admitted to one of the country's finest facilities for stabilizing survivors with DID. Since quite a few in the early stages of DID are unable to sustain employment, Medicare (or whatever it's called) doesn't cover an out-of-state facility. The choice is a hospital where DID is not acknowledged--or worse, treated as insane. Not only is it not acknowledged, I have witnessed cruel remarks being made to clients and insensitive hospital personnel and law enforcement violating confidentiality while making cruel remarks outside a client's room. I am not alone with this experience. Therapists nationally struggle with lack of resources and lack of community understanding.

And the country is greatly lacking in therapists who treat DID due to the well-funded people behind the propaganda. They have targeted therapists for lawsuits forcing many to withdraw from treating survivors and have caused many of the country's treatment facilities for those with DID to close its doors in the past decade. Only a handful remain.

We need to change. We need to see the truth. We need to question what is being handed down as truth. We need to come together to fight against organized pedophilia. I'm aware of a number of good organizations going after the internet predators. But that is the top of the mountain. Pluck one and 20 more quickly fill the gap. Society needs to go after the pedophiles where they gather children for their perverse activities which will serve to both save the children and make multiple arrests at one time.

If any community is out there already doing this, please let me know. I would love to have a community to point to as a model. The first step to change is education about DID. I've tried to simplify the basics with the blog Forbidden Topic. The big picture of organized pedophilia is the focus of The Dirtiest Secret Behind Child Abuse. The clear recollections of children and child dissociated selves of adult survivors are presented at Believe the Children.

Step 1. Understand what it means to have become DID. The nation needs to understood that only children who have been repeatedly and/or systematically abused before the age of six are likely to have acquired the coping skill of severe dissociation. You wouldn't turn a six year old away trying to tell someone had *hurt* him or her, but our country routinely dismisses the those children who grow up to be adults unaware for decades of their abuse history because of the DID. It doesn't make any sense...except to child predators who want to ensure their nefarious activities continue to thrive.