Oct 9, 2011

State of the Union

Recently I watched the movie Inside Job which is an extremely well done documentary about the events leading up to the financial crash and bailouts and beyond. Matt Damon narrates. It's the first time I have heard an explanation I could follow clearly and grasp the entirety and gravity of the financial collapse...and financial power of this country.

The following is art I created for a contest to show the misery of one's country (a/k/a muralism):

Muralism USA

It used to be called conspiracy theory that the world would be run be the wealthy few termed Illuminati, yet that is exactly where we are now. The Federal Reserve Bank, International Money Fund, World Bank, and financial institutions representing the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world are in control.

Republicans began the financial sector domination when President Reagan first started deregulating the banking industry. During the period when the banks were investing the average homeowner's mortgages into highly speculative products, the Securities and Exchange Commission did nothing. The one monitoring agency that attempted to implement regulation was shut down.

Obama came into office knowing the regulation needed to be reinstated. However, with a Republican Congress, he has been able to effectuate very little change. In fact, most recently, his choice for economic adviser, is being fought because the Republicans want nothing to do with regulation. Some of those involved in the highest levels of corruption that led to the financial collapse are Obama's advisers because he had to yield to the pressures.

Leaders of the financial institutions that our country bailed out were able to walk away with millions EACH in bonuses while the middle class suffered bank foreclosures on their homes in previously unseen numbers.

The only way to protect ourselves from continuing to live in this unregulated financial environment where the rich keep getting richer is to provide our Democratic President with a Democratic Congress.

Please watch the movie, do your own research, and decide for yourself.

Sep 19, 2011

Homeland - Terrorist or Brainwashed?

Showtime aired a preview to its new series Homeland which officially airs October 2. The premise is a SEAL-like team invades a terrorist compound finding an MIA Marine who has been held captive 10 or more years. When found, the Marine is locked in a room and his hair has been ungroomed for the full length of his captivity. He returns home to hero's welcome.

Waiting at home (America) is a CIA agent who believes he may have become a traitor and is really a terrorist. She has his entire home bugged and watches him on her computer from home.

When being debriefed by the military and CIA, the Marine is shown a picture of the equivalent to Osama bin Laden. He tells the CIA agent that every Marine knew him as the target. When asked if he ever met the terrorist leader, Brody (the Marine) denies any meeting but we see him recalling being tortured and hanging upside down and barely making out the face of the enemy leader offering him water.

Later, Brody meets with the wife of the man he was taken captive with. She asks Brody if he knows how her husband died because she was never told anything of his death. She says she needs to know for closure. Brody tells her he was beaten to death. She asks if he was there when it happened. He tells her no. But we see him remembering having to beat his friend to death. When he has succeeded, he succumbs to tears and is comforted by the terrorist leader. I see this clearly as trauma bonding.

One of the 9/11 anniversary specials I watched was about the reign of terror by Saddam Hussein. It showed how close friends were made to carry out the tortures or death of a person sentenced to punishment. Brody being made to beat his friend to death was in keeping with Iraq's law of the land at the time.

My partner Brian wonders if Brody is now a Manchurian Candidate. I had no radar for that but made for an interesting discussion between us. My only experience with being "brainwashed" is through dissociation from a young age. But I am very focused on the Homeland story.

If a soldier is brainwashed to believe he must follow the commands of a terrorist leader, is that really being a terrorist or a victim at the hands of the terrorists? Clearly Brody has been horrifically tortured during his captivity. Knowing what I know about my healing process, Brody, if brainwashed to engage in terrorist activity on cue, he could also be helped to undo the harm.

Likely, though, the CIA would find him guilty and imprison him. Brody is remembering...not having flashbacks...but also is not sharing what he remembers. Obviously huge shame envelops his memories.

I will be watching to see how the plot unfolds. It's terrifying to know that I might have been made to do something illegal that I would be arrested for when it was totally at the hands of master brainwashers within our own government. This show hits very close to home.

Am hoping those who have followed my story and are able to watch this series might also see the grooming/breaking process of the terrorists and if Brody realizes for himself what happened and is able to share that without retribution...getting help in the process. I'm not sure our nation is ready to accept mind control (which can be undone) versus soldier-turned-traitor.

Must see tv.

Sep 8, 2011

Pedophilia To Become "Normalized"?

This societal issue is sickening to me and to every other survivor of having been molested as a child. I have been watching a growing trend and stronger influence being forced by "pro-pedophile" members of the mental health community. Yes, that's right. Even mental health professionals (or persons in any category of life) can be pedophiles. They are now organizing to downgrade pedophilia from a crime to a mental disorder.

You can be certain any pro-child abuse movement has money and power behind it. Here is one link and you can research on your own for your personal edification.

Individuals don't have the power to fight such madness but organizations to protect children hopefully will pull together to stop this insanity. With the huge slavery trade that is now untouchable and highly infused within the international community and our governments, is this the next step? Is this part of an agenda to be society ruled by child-preying beings...monsters?

Please share your awareness of this matter with your known child protection organizations...and pray they can make a difference.

Jul 24, 2011

The Lone Gunman

Yesterday's news of the gunman in Norway was shocking. We've come to expect such news in the United States, but not in Norway. However, the manner of the killings is part of an increasingly growing pattern internationally. One gunman suddenly begins firing into a crowd. I don't recall if bombs were involved in similar shooting sprees, but the result is the same. Home grown terrorists.

The "Manchurian Candidate" such as Sirhan Sirhan had the task of shooting a single target on command. Sirhan Sirhan continues to maintain his innocence claiming no knowledge of the shooting. I did have at least one part that was a Manchurian Candidate with an assigned target. I'm sure I wasn't the only mind-control person with the target. I freaked out beyond belief when I discovered this part of me and was so grateful she was never cued to action. It's terrifying to contemplate.

I see a shift from the Cold War mind control children having single targets to today's seemingly revised mission of one person being brainwashed sufficiently to "randomly" turn an automatic weapon on a crowd of innocent people. It's bloodchilling to know our government or its "contractors" continue to carry out this mission of using children planned to be dissociative to kill our own citizens...or citizens of any country.

Does no one else see this pattern? I may have addressed this earlier in my blog regarding school shootings. Now we have this new wave. If I recall correctly, most of the more recent gunmen end up being killed or killing themselves. No one left to remember when the amnesia wears off.

It's scary to admit I did have assassin parts. I have no idea if they were ever used and don't wish to know. Just knowing I had them was enough to shake me to my core. Technology has changed. Perhaps dissociation from birth has been replaced by the new brain implants touted to benefit soldiers in the field or for people to constantly have their medical information with them for health reasons. Anything used for good can also be used for evil.

I am saddened for so many reasons by the news of those who lost their lives in Norway. And I have little doubt the person doing the shooting was also someone who had no knowledge or choice in the matter. The hidden government agenda lives on. The worst of it is not knowing why this rash of large killings by gunmen throughout the world is happening. Maintain the fear/terror level as I explored in an earlier post or "simple" matter of population control...or both.

I would ask those reading this to think for yourself, do your own research on these types of shootings, and ask yourself if there isn't a pattern before dismissing these tragedies as conspiracy theory. Norway, the peaceful nation. I believe with all my heart there was a definitive strategy to that location. And the people behind these covert programs have no hearts and, I would speculate, no souls.

Jun 14, 2011

A Tortured Child Is An Enlightened Mind

I just finished listening to the audiobook of Dan Brown’s, The Lost Symbol. Basically it’s a lesson in ancient symbols while focused on the Freemasons. Since I am a survivor of Masonic abuse which was employed by the government in its mind control programs, I have a different outlook on the secret Masonic society, particularly the 33rd degree. Until 2004, I would not have been able to listen to the book. It would have been too triggering. I’m proud I was able to listen in great detail to known ancient meanings of the symbols and the knowledge of the Masons as gathered by Dan Brown in his research. Because I know the reality of the abuse that takes place at the hands of such people, I was unable to accept the main connection missing by the book. The 33rd degree Masons were/are not just a society of brothers who believe they are the holders of the secrets of the ancients, they are pedophiles with a purpose.

Part of the government mandate of programs like MK-Ultra were to explore the creation of dissociative parts as well as to study cults and rituals. The Nazis were the perfect combination of scientific knowledge on mind control who also practiced worshiping Satan. If I recall correctly, it was a requirement of the SS. My memories are of both kinds of ceremonies. The horror inflicted on us in such barbaric ceremonies served a purpose. All those wealthy wanted to know how to reach their own “divine power”. Apparently cults had already figured out that the dissociated children they kept traumatizing grew to have amazing and advanced brain activity. The sad part of this news is that all people have the ability to expand their minds…and without trauma. Perhaps the government thought they could figure out from us how to use the powers. The victims become the teachers.

Every survivor of government-related mind control has memories of using their mind in advanced ways and/or has extrasensory abilities. For me, that internal divine being is what Jung called Inner Wisdom. Until a person has encountered their own inner wisdom, it is such a difficult concept to explain. Basically it is the voice or sense of instinct. Any person can learn to develop their own brain power. Institutions are available to train people to reach their internal potential…without torture or trauma. I know this was a main objective. Unfortunately they also believed constant access to sex and the energy believed to be harnessed by the abuser when an orgasm was achieved. Parts of the victims brain were able to be electronically stimulated for children to have organisms literally at the touch of a button. I recall the first time I ran across this research. It made me physically ill that they could trigger an orgasm. It still feels like a violation just to type the words.

One scene in the book has the grand poopah of the Masons offering his teen son the choice to join the Masons. It doesn’t work like that. Children born to 33rd degree Masons are indoctrinated from birth as I was. No choice would have been given and the child’s multiplicity would ensure his or her silence about the organization. As much as I could listen to the book, I still tensed up each time certain Masonic terms were used.

If the book is correct that Masons conceal the great secrets of the ancients to ensure it does not fall into the wrong hands, that is laughable. They have it for one purpose only: evil.

What I do believe is true and have participated in such group/worldwide focus experiments online proving that a group of people thinking the same thought at the same time can transform objects. Thoughts have the power to change world. Focused power. If all survivors and supporters of abuse survivors thought every day that the world was positive and safe, we could change the energy dynamics. If we were able to organize a focused time to engage in such a thought on a regular basis, we might be able to tip the balance of war to peace. I personally believe it is that powerful.

Several close friends of mine know of my powers and extra sensitive hearing. If that is all they needed, no trauma was ever needed.However, another main goal of the government was “the Manchurian candidate”. We had different parts of ourselves programmed to do all kinds of jobs on cue with no memory for the event immediately afterwards. That was their great success. If you can call constantly torturing a child with rape and unspeakable acts of horror and torture, a success.

It is my wish that we survivors harness our ability to fight back silently and put good intentions out into the universe simply by thinking them. The intention would be positive as opposed to focus on killing all the perpetrators. The focus might be for a world without child abuse. Think it. Change the world.

Jun 5, 2011

Validation...A Bittersweet Win

Yesterday I found a link on Facebook posted by Jeanne Sarson and Linda MacDonald. They presented a paper at the Canadian Peace Research Association 2011 Conference And Annual General Council Meeting. The astounding topic was Spillover Torture from the Military/Warring Sphere Into the Private Sphere: Making Visible A Silenced Human Rights Violation and Victimized Person's 'Body Talk'(Clicking on the link downloads the PDF to your computer. It is safe. I have downloaded it several times and it is deemed safe by Norton.)

The document defines graphically the different types of torture employed in pedophilia to include the category of "torture to force dissociative responses". It was sickeningly validating to read such things as human trafficking statistics tended to be higher around military bases. Military personnel trained to do harm in their military positions with abusive tendencies were inclined to inflict the same techniques of harm on their children. I'm paraphrasing at this point and greatly encourage you to view the document for yourself.

Polyvore by grace22444

Most shocking to me, and the purpose of the presentation, was what is classified a torture in a military setting is not classified as torture in the private sector. In other words, pedophiles can torture children but it is not considered to be a crime. The presentation was to have torture categorized as a punishable offense in the private sector. A child might be molested repeatedly and the perpetrator would be charged for just that. If the child were also tortured, that, as it stands now, would not be a separate criminal charge.

It's difficult to get this document out of my mind. All I've been trying to say in my blogs was stated so succinctly in the presentation with the research to back it up. We, the survivors, have been telling our stories now online, through books, at conferences...being heard. Linda MacDonald and Jean Sarson took the years of research and put it together to advocate for us.

Thank you, Linda and Jean. I hope the world listens to your very powerful presentation.

May 7, 2011

Passive Suicide Not So Passive

Active suicidal thoughts are those on which the person experiencing the thoughts does act or attempt to act on killing oneself. A passive suicidal thought is: I wish a building will fall over on me...I wish I would suddenly die of an aneurysm...I'm so tired of trying I just wish I would die. I've had passive thoughts since high school. They have been a constant in my life but always in the background until recently.

Most survivors of abuse have passive suicide ideation. In my Polyvore group, it is a "normal" expression of feelings to wish to die. Those who are survivors of long-term abuse understand this and know how to support another who expresses such thoughts. On the other hand, friends, family, and others who care usually respond to the expression of such a thought with panic or feeling that they must stop the person from having such thoughts. That these others care so deeply is appreciated but it's not the response we need.

Last night, by mistake, I posted my Polyvore sets expressing my vivid desire to die to Facebook when usually they go to Twitter to those who follow my journey. It wasn't until after I had posted my third set "Death Wish" to Facebook that I happened to go on Facebook and see the panic I had created. Am wanting to write about this to help those with loved ones who are survivors.

If the desire is passive and especially if it's being expressed through art (a coping skill to release such thoughts), the survivor needs to hear things like "I am here for you; call me if you'd like to talk; I hear you and let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Another coping skill that is not so healthy but definitely more frightening for those who are not survivors is "cutting". The intent is the misconception that by making some part of the body bleed it will release the pain. Of course that belief system needs to be changed through the help of a therapist. A new coping skill that is healthy has to take the place of the cutting. The danger though is that the person making light cuts on the skin may accidentally cut too deeply. A higher danger exists for those with DID since a harm alter may intentionally cause the person to cut deeply. It is prudent to ask the person to hand over the sharp objects if they are found engaged in the activity. But usually it is done so secretively.

The next level, for me, is programming. Programming is self harm or self-destruct actions that were made the job of one or more alters. Throughout my healing I uncovered many programs meant for me to kill myself that I was able to undo with my therapist. I have written sufficiently about what happened in March following the death of my sperm donor. I watched myself engaging in active suicidality.

Since being released from the Center after believing I was safe from the programming, another program came up that I was able to resolve once again with my therapist. The result has been my now passive thoughts seems to stick in my head and overwhelm to the point where I really do want to end my life to stop the thoughts. Sounds like a Catch 22. Am sure that goes with more aftermath of the original trigger.

Another cause of passive suicidal thoughts is the chronic body pain many survivors of abuse must endure. In my conscious life, I had only short-lived pain (post operative) from which I knew I'd recover. Since my many surgeries of 2007, my body has never returned to normal. I had been loving pool therapy until my depression became so bad in January I couldn't bring myself to engage in any activities I had previously enjoyed. Then the concussion from my fall at the Center a month ago has created a constant and sometimes seemingly unbearable pain in my back, shoulders, and head...in addition to the body not working right.

I am realizing I may need another surgery to fix the one problem that would prevent me from enjoying any vacation. I'd have to stay in one place basically while my partner went off to enjoy and explore and take photographs. I don't want that for him or for me. The concussion is taking much longer than expected and I constantly wonder if other damage was done to my brain. I also wonder if the fall was also an attempt at death by an alter since I hit my head so hard.

My coping skill is whining (*snork*) and Polyvore sets to release the emotions. Often I can Polyvore my way through a very difficult time. Any art therapy or journalling is a healthy outlet to release the very real thoughts circling inside.

Am hoping this will help others understand the dynamics involved in what is likely seen as "drama"...a very belittling term for our reality. It doesn't go away. Well, actually, my passive thoughts did go away from 2005 through mid 2007. I wish for a return of that short time where I was not depressed and on such a low dose of anti-depressant. The best year and a half of my life. A sad statement in retrospect. Is that all there is?

We try to believe and hold onto dreams. We look for hope. The offering of an extended hand, literally or virtually, can go a long way to helping someone in emotional pain.

May 3, 2011

Defining Moments on the Road to Healing

Healing from DID sucks. It’s one mindbender after another coming out of the muck of subconsciousness and flopping into reality. Those of us in that journey are left figuring out what to do with the crap that just landed in our heads.

My journey is into its 14th year and I am still being stunned. I decided to share my most defining moments (i.e. the ones most difficult to accept and process and move on). This sharing is meant to help educate those with loved ones trudging through the muck to a more healed place and perhaps let survivors who are on the road to healing feel validated.

#1 My father sexually abused me. It is freakish to have a memory of something that has been hidden within amnesia for more than four decades. But when that first memory surfaced, it made complete sense of all the blanks in my therapy up to that point. The sexual dysfunction that kicked in shortly after each of my marriages…the resistance I felt to working on the resistance…the seeming jealousy my father had for my teenage boyfriends that sometimes ended in rage directed at me.
For me, learning I had DID was a relief which is a vastly different response from most. However, the two following defining moments created within me the response most have to learning they have DID.

#2 My father took me to graveyards where people were chanting. I had never heard the words “ritual abuse” before but was certain what I was remembering was true after diving into research about it cross-referenced with my own conscious timeline. I was still thinking he was just a sociopath and I got dragged into his world. Learning the government was part of some of the cults unnerved me because he was career military.

#3 The most shocking realization is the bigger picture. I was intentionally made DID through a government sanctioned program…likely MK-Ultra which went underground after the Senate hearings in the 70s. Understanding how our government condoned the kind of trauma/torture/horror I was remembering to create dissociation and alters just leaves me speechless. What else can one say? It’s evil. It’s licensed pedophilia at its most benign.

And it was after THAT realization that I came to the ever haunting: Who am I really and what was my reality if the life I remember was only the “cover story”. Everything at that moment becomes a lie: family, relationships, ability to trust. Who is safe to turn to for help? It’s shocking and terrifying.

"They spun a web for me." Coldplay, Trouble

#4 I met other survivors of government abuse (which included ritual abuse) online through a support group. I was blessed to meet most of the people from that group in person at a conference in 1998. Some remain my friends today. It was in that group that some shared memories of Mengele. I chose to believe that another abuser used Mengele’s name to make it more unbelievable. I was raised Jewish and the thought of that Nazi’s hands being near me made my blood curdle.

Through research I learned of Operation Paperclip and had validation that Mengele was part of that ushering of Nazis to the U.S. and other havens in exchange for their “knowledge” gained from their experiments in medicine (at the concentration camps) as well as rocket science. I also continued my then quest of acquiring and watching every video I could find on the perp names that came up for me. Many of my collages pointed to Mengele but still no memories surfaced. It was my second or third video on Mengele’s life that included a clip of him singing a song. When I heard it, I can’t explain the horror and chaos that happened within my being. It took weeks to settle down from knowing I was not only in his presence but he had touched me, hurt me, and programmed me…early childhood programming. It still curdles my blood.

Once I accepted I was an intentionally made multiple by my own government with my father’s approval and active involvement, programmed to do the bidding of the government, primarily covert and possibly illegal activities, the rest was undoing what was done to me. There was sort of a “same old, same old” feel to finding programming and dismantling through the help of insiders and freeing the alters  connected to it. I was surprised at how much self-destruct programming I ran into, but it was not a defining moment. With the help of my therapist, we undid anything that came up. I was very proud that I had healed to integration in 2003 without any hospitalizations.

I was proud to earn my Masters in Counseling and went to work immediately. Most who follow me know of my short-lived psychotherapist career due to extreme medical issues from 2007 to 2008 which caused me to be on disability. It also created a setback in my integration and alters began appearing again. All was going smoothly with that aspect of healing until defining moment #5.

#5 News of father’s death in early February compounded with my existing level of depression at the time. His death triggered a program unknown to me, although I now see it in many collages on Polyvore over the past years but had no idea what I was seeing. The program first went off on March 10 when I watched myself overdose on four handfuls of pills interrupted by my partner who called 911. It happened so quickly it made my head spin.

In the few days after discharge from the hospital to be seen by a facility specializing in dissociation, my Polyvore sets revealed the overdose was the first in a chain reaction of suicide methods meant to be implemented by alters still loyal to the abusers until their mission was accomplished. I was terrified to be in my own body. I felt environmentally safe at the trauma center but believed my body could stop my heart or create an aneurysm. It took nearly two weeks at the center before the programming was disarmed.

The truly defining point of all of that was recently realizing I was only three years old when the groundwork to that program was put in place. It was 1955 and my father’s death was 55 years later which also freaked me out. Father’s death or 55 years after “installing” the program, whichever came first? Perhaps I had a double whammy that both happened in the same year.
Regardless, I watched myself swallow those pills and didn’t fight back. That will always stay with me.

While take pills apparently didn’t have me fighting for my life, the methods of suicide that went with the other alters in line terrified me. I had thought I was fine from the time of realizing the extent of the program to seeing my therapist again to undo it. But it went off and bam I was in the hospital. Am still reeling. Even though I know I am now safe, my worst fear did come true. I can hope all is dismantled. Another program went off after I was discharged but my therapist and I successfully stopped it. Now the parts are healing and telling me more of my programming history. And I realized today it is two days shy of 5/5. It all means something. Am confident that second program that surfaced after discharge had a “deadline” of 5/5. Thank you to my alters who chose not to die and helped me with the information to stop it.

Is there more? If so, can it possibly be stronger? I have to believe all is well and believe in my healing abilities to tell me otherwise If the time comes. As defining and awful as these moments during the journey have been, they have not defined me. I am not the evil they wanted me to be. The journey is not over and I am waiting for a new antidepressant to kick in so I’m still having passive suicidal thoughts but once actively suicidal alters are healing. Yes, healing sucks, but I am going to Paris next Spring. And of my own free will. Guess I can’t ask for more than that. There can be good in life with DID.

Apr 17, 2011

What I Didn’t Know Might Help You

I have written in several venues on these topics but believe they are too important not to repeat here. Please pass this information along to others who might benefit.

First, anyone who is on an SSRI type antidepressant should know they are only effective for a few years and possibly only one or two years. You should change to another SSRI every few years to ensure major depression is under control. I had been on Cymbalta for more than four years and have been trying to use adjunct antidepressants because I felt the Cymbalta wasn’t enough any longer. Unfortunately, this information did not come to my therapist’s attention until just before I admitted myself to The Center for trauma disorders recently. And obviously, my psychiatrist was also unaware of such research.

The Center switched me over to Pristiq which is similar to Cymbalta but now I must wait about 4 to 6 weeks for it to impact my depression level. I was told I may or may not be able to return to Cymbalta after the Pristiq runs its course. It depends on the individual.

Second, when an abuser parent dies, it can wreak havoc with the trauma survivor. I expected huge relief but, for me, the death was a trigger for suicide programming which actually worked. The attempt failed but the part did take over and overdosed. About five of the 12 people at the trauma center had experienced the recent death of an abuser parent.

My suggestion is to know the unexpected can happen and have a safety plan thought out and/or written down if you are a survivor with a living abuser parent. Some survivors do experience the relief and safety. The trauma treatment team at The Center was well educated about the impact of the death of an abuser. Am not sure why I didn’t know.

What also bears repeating is that there are only three reputable places in the country at the moment that treat DID, let alone programming. Possibly there are more. I am most familiar with Sheppard Pratt in Towson, MD, and The Center (PIW-DC) in Washington, DC. Actually, I hadn’t been aware of The Center until my therapist suggested it for me after the overdose. I knew I had programming to keep up attempts by different methods until I succeeded. I needed a safe place.

Hospital for Souls 032311

Because of fears by the False Memory Syndrome Foundation suing therapists who treat DID, many of the country’s facilities have shut down in the past 20 years. This is a very sad reality for the many survivors of long-term childhood abuse. It is also a stance supported by the insurance companies. I have to say I was fortunate to be covered by a company that considered The Center to be “in network”.

The country’s mindset needs to change for more help to be available for those with dissociative disorders and survivors of abuse without dissociation. Treating trauma is a specialized area of care. I often wonder which celebrity will take up this cause on our behalf. The FMSF seems to have unlimited funds to prevent any effective offense.

At least we have blogs and Facebook and Twitter to share such information. What we really need is help, not just in facilities but in the number of therapists and psychiatrists who treat and/or understand dissociation properly. Central PA had no psychiatrists to whom I could refer clients when I was still practicing in 2007 who would see dissociative clients. And I think I was the last therapist who had availability to see new clients with dissociative disorders. If this is representative for most of America, it is tragic. Abusers win. Abusers with money can change the status quo.

After my recent experience, I wonder how many suicides could have been prevented if there were more facilities to treat trauma survivors when they are in crises. It is true that our traumatic upbringing makes us a likely population to end our own lives when we become too overwhelmed. Every time one of us suicides, the abusers win. I’ll have to hold onto that thought to keep me going until my new antidepressant kicks in.

Mar 3, 2011

A Lifetime Sentence

I can recall two times in my life when I wasn’t burdened by thoughts of death. In the 18th year of my marriage, just before my life fell apart because of DID, I believed I would spending the rest of my life with my husband. It took me years to feel it would last “forever”. I was happy.

Post-known DID, after grad school, I was thrilled to immediately go into practice as a full time counselor. I had fully integrated in November 2002 and began as a full time counselor in 2003. For some unanalyzed reason, I became very depressed in late 2004…early 2005. A small dose of Cymbalta had me feeling beyond where I’d ever felt before in terms of happiness and joy. Basically I had early 2005 to mid-2007 without the death wish.

Not all with DID have the death wish as pervasively as others. Those of us with structured dissociation were introduced so early and so often to feeling life wasn’t worth living, it likely became “hard wired”. A term that basically means a message imbedded in the brain. It’s there to stay and we have to learn to cope with it because the message doesn’t change. The reason behind the madness was if we ever began to come out of our dissociation, we would be overwhelmed with suicide messages to ensure the abuser secrets.

As a moderator of Adult Survivors of Abuse on Polyvore, I constantly see those in early stages of DID struggling with suicidal messages or “life is too hard” messages. Yet I also see those who have been in therapy for years still struggling not to end it all just to not have to live through another day.

My message began in high school although I wrote poems about death as early as grades 2 through 4. In high school, it did feel as if someone else was giving me that message from inside. Apparently I’m reintegrated after falling apart by 2008 from medical trauma. That was complicated by my father’s death in early February. I found the alter holding the strong suicidal thoughts, and she is becoming more comfortable with the healing and healed insiders but she is still very sad and angry.

I never acted on my messages although it was a grueling struggle not to just take pills so I would not have to wake up again. When most every single day is a struggle, even after a decade or more of healing, one wonders if it’s really worth it. I would be the first to tell another that it IS worth it. It’s not all bad any more. But little seems to be good. Healing from DID is not an ending. It’s the beginning of learning how to live without the automatic filter of dissociation.

Today, to aid in my healing and struggle with death messages since my father’s death, I had a massage that draws negative energy out of the body…drains it from the body. I’m not certain if it is a good thing that I feel so suicidal now. Possibly all that stuck message is leaving the brain but also am “hearing” it at the same time. I have another massage next week to make sure it’s all moving along and out of the body.

I do have hopes and dreams. I don’t always remember all of them all of the time, but I have to believe that those achievable dreams are worth the fight. It sounds trite to say that dangling a carrot in front the nose can keep us alive. But, in reality, that’s what it boils down to for me.

Today I saw an art set by a Polyvore group member stating she had attempted suicide while a preteen and many times since. She’s now an adult and still just wanting to give up. Living with DID is not easy. My life may never be “easy”. It’s difficult to believe my life only had 3-1/2 really good years. Since I had no awareness of abuse or mind control until I was 44, the depression was not nearly as visible or intense. At 58, how much can I reasonably expect to change? Rebuilding muscles that once were in excellent shape is very slow baby steps. The medical complication on top of the DID. Goal: Paris 2012. Maybe life will look different then.

Feb 21, 2011

Nobody's Child

Yesterday I saw the movie Unknown with Liam Neeson. Early in the movie, his character is in an accident and has amnesia for some of his life. Without giving away the ending, I just want to say his questions were my questions. I am still thinking about the film and beyond. All the unanswered questions of my life.

If my birth was planned to have a child for the covert government program, whose child am I? Not anyone who claims me. Most of the world doesn't believe the government would have hurt or be hurting, raping, torturing children for "national security" reasons. The government has never taken care of me in a good way. And the people I thought were my parents cast me aside as soon as I began to remember.

I was raised by people training me to do their evil deeds who certainly never wanted me to remember them. In my "cover story" home, I did love my mother. But she left me alone with my abusive father who terrified me. I know in hindsight his job from the beginning was to maintain the terror that was needed in my government world to continue creating my dissociative structure.

I was passed from one "handler" to another and have no idea how many I've had in my lifetime. I am certain of two along with others who were primarily programming or training me, always to be covered over by an intentionally horrific and traumatizing memory in hopes I'd never reach the memories below telling me what was really happening in my life.

Because the purpose of my life was to be a controlled multiple, the majority of my life was outside of my conscious awareness. I lived a backwards life. No love, no nurturing, no free will. Cues and commands and codes...like a robot or machine.

So who am I? What am I? I'm healing from something few believe happened. I'm healing from a diagnosis that is swept under the rug by psychological and psychiatric communities, not to mention the universities, hospitals, and military and government entities complicit in the program.

After more than a decade of research and healing by processing surfacing memories combined with conscious knowledge, I think technology has replaced the need to create a population of mind-controlled adults beginning at birth with a lifetime of trauma at least for the purposes they had in mind. I do believe the underground world of pedophilia and child slavery use the intentional dissociation to create life long "slaves" which has become a huge nightmare worldwide.

The covert government (and obviously some overt government) have achieved their 1947 goal of creating a fear-based nation where war makes the money for the few and those few make the decisions for the rest of us. Are we that psycho-civilized society of Jose M. R. Delgado's "dreams"? Is it too late to turn back?

Are you really a citizen of a land of free will? I was not and do not believe I am now because I can see now. I am not dissociated to the rest of the world. I am nobody's child. I was not born. I was produced by the underbelly of our country for evil purposes. Much has been "born" from the premise of national security "for your protection".

Can a country willing to torture children from birth to create a society of Manchurian Candidates and beyond really have its citizen's best interests at heart? Until that underworld is eradicated, I can assure you thousands more will surface, predominantly children of military and government-related employees born from 1947 through the 60s.

I am Nobody's Child and everyone's nightmare. Who am I now in this non-dissociated life? If my purpose in life is not to tell the truth, I do not understand the universe.

Feb 8, 2011

It’s not forgetting, it’s a detour gone awry

I recently had an epiphany…sort of an epiphany…after several pieces of knowledge fell into place in the past few weeks. To help you understand why this is so important here is the initial problem:

My downstairs is the living room and the kitchen area. I had come to call the doorway into the kitchen the portal of lost memory. Up to about a year ago, if I didn’t carry a note with me saying what I wanted in the kitchen, the thought would be lost completely. But I usually ended up with the pantry door, refrigerator, or some cabinet open with me standing there wondering what I was looking for. Going back to the living room would remind me because I’d go to reach for something that wasn’t there. Hope you can follow this.

More recently, the same thing happens but I can retrace my thoughts to what  I wanted rather than go back into the living. Here is why that is so pivotal to know.

I saw a video explanation of how neurons work in the brain provided to me by a friend. In the past, anything dealing with how the brain works was too triggering for me to watch. But I watched in fascination able to relate how a thought needs a path of neurons to act on it.

In a conversation with a friend who also has DID, I had wondered out loud why I can’t always get direct answers from inside…but sometimes I can. She replied that my inner guide has to use the same brain as me and I have big gaps in neurons so the message wouldn’t get through. Answers mostly come to me in pieces like a puzzle that then have to be assembled.

Yesterday I wanted a protein bar from a cabinet in the kitchen. The next thing I knew I was standing at the refrigerator with an ice pack in my hand. I put the ice pack back, shook my head and laughed at myself. Then I was able to recall the original thought and get my protein bar.

Ding, ding, ding! I’m NOT forgetting. The brain has a process to turn thought into action and I am missing neurons all over the place. But at least I’m getting to the right room. It’s like that old game of Gossip. By the time a message is whispered to the last person, the original message is completely mixed up.

Why is this a good thing? Because it’s proof neurons are healing. I had an integration of sorts on 1/1/11 and two new emerging fragments are beginning to heal. Studies have shown that the brains of those with DID do heal. I went from carrying a piece of paper or losing all to having a neuron path that retains the original information even if the path leads me to the wrong door. I have a path!

As I continue to heal, more neurons will fill in. No one can say if I’ll ever actually fill the path in completely but I’ve reached a much better understanding. And I’m not forgetful. I’m neuron-challenged.

Jan 2, 2011

"...a perpetual state of emergency"

 Yesterday I was researching Jose M. R. Delgado for the umpteenth time and came across a PBS Documentary. I saw the 24 minute version. There is also a 90 minute version which can be viewed through a link below the link I've provided. The documentary is narrated by Bill Moyers. A BBS production is also provided for free. This very relevant 24-minute synopsis of the impact of the creation of the National Security Council and the CIA in 1947 explains how we have come to this age of our "War on Terror".

 After an introduction to Operation Paperclip, when the U.S. allied with the Nazis and brought them into our country for nefarious purposes, the documentary states:

“So began the morality of the Cold War. Anything goes. The struggle required a mentality of permanent war, a perpetual state of emergency. It had met a vast new apparatus of power that radically transformed our government. Its foundations were laid when President Truman signed into law the National Security Act of 1947.” 

The documentary shows how the CIA's objective was to maintain control in other countries that were not providing what the U.S. needed. It spoke of takeovers in Guatemala, Iran, Chile, Laos, and, of course, Vietnam. My father was one of the "advisors" sent into Vietnam in 1961, during the years the CIA was setting into place the environment for U.S. involvement in a "conflict" in Vietnam. It was the first validation for me that my father was indeed involved in covert military intelligence operations in cooperation with the CIA...psyops. The documentary explained the CIA's role in Iran in reinstating the Shah and then working with the Shah in his underground torture realm which kept dissidents silent. My family lived in Iran in the mid 1960s. 

Since my personal history began to come out of amnesia ten years ago, I have long believed my father was training Iranian military to torture. He was also in Thailand in 1969 just when the CIA's involvement in Laos was becoming known. Backing up to his origins in the military, he was first in Korea I believe in 1947 but definitely 1948 when the CIA was very much interested in mind control that had been used on POWs in North Korea ("Manchurian Candidate"). 

My father kept me in a constant state of terror. The government has kept the U.S. in a constant state of terror. I believe that has become much more evident since 9/11. When that tragedy began to settle down we had Anthrax and Avian flu and Saran attacks. Mass weapons of destruction that were never found kept the country on tenterhooks.

At the end of the documentary, the question is asked: "... The one thing that we are sure of is that this largely secret global war carried on with less and less accountability to democratic institutions, has become a way of life. And now we are faced with a question brand new in our history. Can we have the permanent warfare state and democracy too?” 

Is any president able to stand up to the monumental groundwork that has been laid since 1947 to stop the insanity? The forces at work are far stronger than any president no matter how great his intentions. This war on terror without rules and made intentionally covert has been running our country, is responsible for all the human experimentation created by the Department of Human Radiation, MK-Ultra, and other black ops programs now in place...brought forward and refined since 1947 but previously mastered by the Nazis.

Also available for free viewing online: Conspiracy of Silence, "a powerful, disturbing documentary revealing a U.S. child sex abuse and pedophilia ring that leads to the highest levels of government. Featuring intrepid investigator John DeCamp a highly decorated Vietnam war veteran and 16-year Nebraska state senator, Conspiracy of Silence reveals how rogue elements at all levels of government have been involved in systematic child sex abuse and pedophilia to feed the base desires of key politicians."

This brings me back to Jose Delgado who is still alive and working in Spain. I finally found validation I needed that the government indeed provided funding for experiments on children. And I was one of Delgado's children:

Dr. Jose Delgado, a neurosurgeon and Yale professor, received funding for brain electrode research on children and adults. In the 1950s, he developed a miniature electrode placed within an individual’s cranium capable of receiving and transmitting electronic signals. Delgado was able to control the movements of his subjects by pushing buttons on a remote transmitter..." He was the inventor of what is now known as the microchip devised to "protect" us. Because we all need to be protected by our National Security Agencies by whatever means possible. We the public need to wake up and figure out how to get this back under control.

In 1974 Delgado testified in front of The Congressional Church Committee investigating MK-Ultra. He made his views very clear:

"We need a program of psychosurgery for political control of our society. The purpose is physical control of the mind. Everyone who deviates from the given norm can be surgically manipulated. The individual may think that the most important reality is his own existence, but this is only his personal point of view. This lacks historical perspective Man does not have the right to develop his own mind. This kind of liberal orientation has great appeal. We must electrically control the brain. Some day armies and generals will be controlled by electric stimulation of the brain."

Fast forward to these headlines:

Would a microchip keep your child safe?
December 18, 2003, BBC


Remote Control Device 'Controls' Humans
October 26, 2005, San Francisco Chronicle/Associated Press

Radio frequency identification keeps tabs on goods, services, pets - even people
May 11, 2006, Sacramento Bee (the leading newspaper of California's capital city)

An Orwellian solution to kids skipping school
2007-02-20, Atlanta Journal-Constitution (Atlanta's leading newspaper)

U.S. Military May Implant Chips In Troops' Brains
2007-08-02, KUTV (CBS affiliate in Salt Lake City, Utah)

Is anyone out there?