Jan 30, 2009

Can we talk?

Nine days ago I completed a collage depicting Josef Mengele. It took me several days to settle down from doing it. When it became known I was DID and had been in a government program to deliberately create dissociation, that is when I dove into research about common ties of military to CIA to cults (exploited children "business") and Operation Paperclip. I joined a support group to be able to talk about the bizarre memories only to find out many had already done the same research, although I always did my own as back up. First, the collage.

I love you
I love you - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Several survivors indicated they had memories of Mengele (a/k/a Dr. Green). We were all in our 40s and 50s then. I couldn't imagine that the U.S. would have allowed Mengele to touch "our country's" children for the purpose of abuse after the holocaust events became known. I was very naive about the country and our history. I had memories of Nazis but wasn't certain of names. Alters have shown me but there will never be proof. Suffice it to say I was in Germany and was around Nazis in several underground locations.

I invite you to do your own research but I'm not going to look up dates again. It's in a huge stash of paper from a decade ago. Secret Agenda is a good start that validates Mengele was a part of Paperclip. He was both in Germany (at least at designated times for programming during my time there) and in the U.S. at various times. Carol Rutz has done extensive research on Mengele's whereabouts disclosed in her book A Nation Betrayed. The possibility he had access to me at birth and before his published death in the 70s, is there. His pictures as an older man were known by my alters. I hadn't known the name though until several years into healing when his pictures from later decades became available on the internet.

My point is I couldn't allow myself to believe Mengele had been anywhere near me and he had not come up in my memories until a year or so into healing. It's also possible that they called each other by famous Nazi names with their M.O. of unbelievability. Numerous survivors recall a Dr. Green and Dr. White. I have few names that come up. My alters gave me images over and over again of people whose identity became known after I saw the real person on a documentary or in an article, along with appropriate holy sh*t triggered response.

With Mengele, I began to hear internal messages that I had been born virtually into his hands. In 1952, Operation Paperclip had begun and Aberdeen Proving Grounds was the primary first stopping point for Nazis being assigned throughout the U.S. at military bases, hospitals, and research facilities. That's where I was born. Videos of Mengele's history show he evaded capture after the war and escaped to another country. However, his vast research on twins made him an "asset" apparently. It's documented that he had worked with the U.S. and his entry and exit was facilitated by our government.

My earliest collages show a single combat boot. Images of Mengele after the war meant nothing to me. It was in the second video I acquired of Mengele that included his voice singing a bit of a song. As soon as I heard his voice, I freaked to the point of not being me. I was way in the background. I was also home alone. I ran into the bathroom screaming, locked the door, and curled up on the floor in a fetal position where I stayed for hours. The thought...the reality...of Mengele's hands having been on me was unbearable. I was raised Jewish. I was obsessed with holocaust history. I felt Mengele's level of evil through that knowledge. Flooding into my personal being was something I cannot truly put into words. Often, before my memories, I said I felt as if I were a reincarnated Anne Frank.

In processing the new collage, one of the answers I got was that I wasn't allowed to look at him. That reminded me of my client who always knew my shoes because she wasn't allowed to look at her abusers. With Mengele's reputation, I understand that was likely the case but I would have seen his boot. His voice, however, was blood curdling. Since that was the one sense "open" to me with him, I would have internalized that as trauma.

In saving items for collages, I never know what I'm going to use. The words "Omg, I'm a green crayon" I thought were fun or cute. But placed at the bottom of the Mengele collage caused another freakish reaction with his "code name" of Dr. Green. Was Mengele really an abuser or "just" another Paperclip Nazi? My personal validation is the voice. I simply did not believe it could be true. It's the last thing I would have wanted to be true about what I knew of the program(s) I was placed into at birth.

Jan 20, 2009

A New Day

While watching the inauguration ceremonies beginning around 10 a.m., I decided to collage my feelings. My hope is for a very different kind of new world order. That phrase, as of today, has no chilling impact on my spine. I'm hopeful President Obama can truly breakdown the elite few so permeated in the government and put our country back in the hands of caring, compassionate, fair people.

A New Day
A New Day by grace2244

Jan 9, 2009

Sexuality and survivors

Hope by grace2244

Last night I did this collage to represent my past and my wishful future with regard to my ability to express myself sexually freely without the past flowing into it. I was pleased with the collage artistically but it caused me to ponder that middle divide. There is no wall in my mind. I avoid "sex" with all of my being. Am fairly certain one of me had the job of being happy sexual. Not sure where she is since the medical trauma. My pelvic floor fell for heaven's sake. I do believe I will be healed sufficiently soon to add that back into my life.

I'm not sure about other survivors, but my true preference would be celibacy. I love BB with all my heart and soul. Intimacy is still a hurdle for reasons that have nothing to do with him. He has to pay the price for my past. My therapist advised several years ago that often being okay sexually is the last to heal. Possibly the recent fusion will allow that to happen.

Right now (and the impetus for writing this post) The Oprah Show is addressing sexuality issues. I'm in tears. They just welled up out of nowhere and are streaming down my face. How can someone who has had such horrific sexual abuse beginning before or by age 3 embrace loving intimacy? Guess I'm grieving the loss of not having that in my life. I don't want this to be too personal, but wanted to share that larger issue of separating sexual abuse from expressing healthy love sexually with a loving partner.

And I want it to be ME. I don't want another part to move forward to enjoy that part of my life. My pelvic floor is mostly healed. Getting my body to move is going slowly but surely thanks to the Wii Fit. Yet there is one more known issue tied to my past and that area of my body.

For years my mind justified what happened to me as jeans being too tight. I shifted to jeans jumpers and skirts in my 30s to avoid the problem...or so I thought. Since memories began, I realized I had been burned in my genital area with cigarettes, apparently many times. This body memory has recurred since at least my 20s. I never told anyone about it. It was embarrassing. Some physical signs preceded eruption sometimes, but not always. The most recent cigar(?) or cigarette burns began to appear last night. It's painful. It starts as a stinging soreness in a large area and then develops into several blisters on top of red raised areas (like a cigarette burn) that go through the course of breaking and healing at a rapid rate. Nothing helps to alleviate the pain. It takes several days to stop. I was going to work with my therapist on this issue but the fusion took priority.

For now, my therapist is on vacation, my blisters hurt, am feeling sorry for myself. Am feeling sad for BB that he has not had an intimate relationship in nearly two years. That is a goal for me for 2009. Complete healing...to include sexual healing. I know...bitch, bitch, bitch. This is my rant place. Hopefully if you've read to here, it's been a worthwhile topic.

Jan 6, 2009

My brain is not a fun place to visit

My thinking processes are not so clear these days but will write and see what comes out. The fusion has caused a feeling of greater multiplicity and increased forgetfulness. I didn't know there was a higher level of forgetfulness. I sort of understand that my being (which was conscious with at least partially processed memories) merged with my core with complete memory. Meaning...I think...that my conscious brain is now more muddled with floating chunks of amnesia. I cannot hold a thought. From the time I get up from the sofa and get into the kitchen, I have no idea why I'm there.

Brian has to remind me many times I have something to inhale or drink but as soon as I click on the computer to save what I was doing, I've forgotten what he just said. Now he stands there until I save my work and put the computer down. It feels like consciously I'm relaxing my brain to take a break so someone sneaks in and takes over for their time. I don't see my therapist for two more weeks. I need to work out an internal schedule, especially with the sleep. Several times this week I've been up till 5 am or later and slept till 1. I love that I was up before 10 today. I love my time in the mornings from about 8 to 10.

I have no focus for doing what needs to be done. Keep forgetting to check email. Forget to turn phone on for most of the day. Forget who I know. New Year's Eve I drove to a restaurant to meet with BB and friends because I was running late getting ready. I don't know who was out but she didn't know how to drive. Very disconcerting. Called for a protector to help with safe driving.

I've been living on Polyvore. As of last night had completed 29 collages in 15 days. The numbers stunned me. Things I have already processed are coming up in a more cohesive way although I still don't understand all they are trying to tell me. I finish a collage then realize I placed something in a very specific position so that it connected to a nearby image in most unusual way...startling actually.

I need to go back to my checklists. I had my daily calendar as a therapist. Somehow I have to make those things a priority before I jump onto the collage site. On the other hand, it feels essential that I be doing these collages now. One thing I learned long ago in my healing is to allow those healing things to happen. Can't imagine how I would manage if I were working while this total lack of focus is going on. I keep thinking the medical trauma must have triggered certain things that allowed for the fusion to take place. Perhaps, as awful as it was and still is, without that medical trauma, I wouldn't have been able to experience fusion. I do hope the internal craziness (lack of a time share schedule) calms down fairly soon.

More and more I would like to be able to counsel online. Until I feel ready to have total focus for my client(s), that is a wish. It would also allow me to write. I have several books in mind and my mission to be part of the healing of our sick underworld of organized pedophilia. Each day I send out thoughts to the Obama administration to see my application as something good and necessary.

Will proofread this entry but please excuse anything I miss! Since I haven't shared a collage on this blog, I'll provide one of my soothing works for you.

Simply Me by grace2244

Jan 5, 2009

Brief blogging block

I have much to say but seem to need another week to be in a place where my brain settles down to focus on words rather than images. Sorry for lack of new posts. Will be writing on several topics when I return.

Hope your holidays were okay and your coping skills helped you through!