Sep 29, 2008
I can't say producing my Crusader Rabbit video was a labor of love. It was a labor of passion. And inspiration came from a new online friend whom I thank very much. For those of you who know me, feedback is welcome as well as suggestions for what to highlight in a future video. I loved having others' art to present. If you know survivors who are willing to share anonymously, please send it along.
I just had a weird thought jump into my head (which I guess is how I get most internal messages these days--mostly from inner wisdom). My "production" was about kiddie porn. The antidote for having been in kiddie porn? It was very intense yesterday. Sarah McLachlan's song was "it" and I knew I would incorporate mostly images I acquired for the blog as well as survivor art. Beginning at 7 am yesterday, I worked pretty much straight through until 3:30 am when it was uploading to YouTube. When I woke up, a really scary collage was the selected image. eeks! Maybe...just maybe, it will be viewed by someone who can do something in the law enforcement arena.
Lately I've realized how intense and driven I get on this topic. It's what it feels like post healing when someone moves "out front", "takes the driver's seat", whatever term you use. I can't say I don't have moments when I suddenly sound like "not me", but, for the most part, I'm integrated. In my case, several highly functioning adults integrated into the outside world with me. That may not make sense to anyone else. I've not seen it in the literature and no one else I know has had a similar experience. The adults are strong and healed. Am guessing "Crusader Rabbit" identifies the adult with the drive for advocacy. I'm very aware now of the subtle shift into great intensity. It does make it important that I balance that with fun.
A commenter yesterday asked that I share more about integration. I won't be addressing that till later in Forbidden Topic but will share as appropriate (or as thoughts fly into my head) here. Through the majority of my healing I could go inside. Possibly I preferred being inside. I could have a dialog with any protector at any moment. Sometimes it seemed that they had some kind of guard duty schedule. lol. Now, what I believe to be permanent aspects of my inner wisdom are basically all who is readily there although I have very little dialog. Sometimes I miss that.
At times of great distress--and there were so many this past year with my medical nightmare--I can count on encouragement, support, and guidance to get me through. I remain and always will be in awe of that internal power. I believe each of us has it. Many of my therapy clients were able to tap into that aspect of themselves (regardless of diagnosis or issue) and it was life changing for those who were able to do that. I guess we (the survivors) could view that as an advantage since our inner wisdoms kicked in likely when we were preverbal or barely talking.
Life is calmer, quieter, less PTSD, fewer triggers, and dramatically less fear. I am blessed to have my first completely conscious relationship in my life with a wonderfully supportive person. Even with that, at times I still get that "I'm just tired, I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up" message. It's been there since high school. I know I need to shift into intensified self care mode when I hear that.
Today is a good day. I'm sleepy but not depressed. I'm happy the video is out there. Feel free to pass it on.