Mar 3, 2011

A Lifetime Sentence

I can recall two times in my life when I wasn’t burdened by thoughts of death. In the 18th year of my marriage, just before my life fell apart because of DID, I believed I would spending the rest of my life with my husband. It took me years to feel it would last “forever”. I was happy.

Post-known DID, after grad school, I was thrilled to immediately go into practice as a full time counselor. I had fully integrated in November 2002 and began as a full time counselor in 2003. For some unanalyzed reason, I became very depressed in late 2004…early 2005. A small dose of Cymbalta had me feeling beyond where I’d ever felt before in terms of happiness and joy. Basically I had early 2005 to mid-2007 without the death wish.

Not all with DID have the death wish as pervasively as others. Those of us with structured dissociation were introduced so early and so often to feeling life wasn’t worth living, it likely became “hard wired”. A term that basically means a message imbedded in the brain. It’s there to stay and we have to learn to cope with it because the message doesn’t change. The reason behind the madness was if we ever began to come out of our dissociation, we would be overwhelmed with suicide messages to ensure the abuser secrets.

As a moderator of Adult Survivors of Abuse on Polyvore, I constantly see those in early stages of DID struggling with suicidal messages or “life is too hard” messages. Yet I also see those who have been in therapy for years still struggling not to end it all just to not have to live through another day.

My message began in high school although I wrote poems about death as early as grades 2 through 4. In high school, it did feel as if someone else was giving me that message from inside. Apparently I’m reintegrated after falling apart by 2008 from medical trauma. That was complicated by my father’s death in early February. I found the alter holding the strong suicidal thoughts, and she is becoming more comfortable with the healing and healed insiders but she is still very sad and angry.

I never acted on my messages although it was a grueling struggle not to just take pills so I would not have to wake up again. When most every single day is a struggle, even after a decade or more of healing, one wonders if it’s really worth it. I would be the first to tell another that it IS worth it. It’s not all bad any more. But little seems to be good. Healing from DID is not an ending. It’s the beginning of learning how to live without the automatic filter of dissociation.

Today, to aid in my healing and struggle with death messages since my father’s death, I had a massage that draws negative energy out of the body…drains it from the body. I’m not certain if it is a good thing that I feel so suicidal now. Possibly all that stuck message is leaving the brain but also am “hearing” it at the same time. I have another massage next week to make sure it’s all moving along and out of the body.

I do have hopes and dreams. I don’t always remember all of them all of the time, but I have to believe that those achievable dreams are worth the fight. It sounds trite to say that dangling a carrot in front the nose can keep us alive. But, in reality, that’s what it boils down to for me.

Today I saw an art set by a Polyvore group member stating she had attempted suicide while a preteen and many times since. She’s now an adult and still just wanting to give up. Living with DID is not easy. My life may never be “easy”. It’s difficult to believe my life only had 3-1/2 really good years. Since I had no awareness of abuse or mind control until I was 44, the depression was not nearly as visible or intense. At 58, how much can I reasonably expect to change? Rebuilding muscles that once were in excellent shape is very slow baby steps. The medical complication on top of the DID. Goal: Paris 2012. Maybe life will look different then.


stepping-out-into-faith said...

Grace, I can relate to what you wrote here. I too have the "death wish." I haven't acted on it since I was 19, (more than 25 years ago). I'm married with kids so I just know I can't. But I think about it. It's like there is a tape that plays in my mind telling me that it's time to go. I also have DID and have just begun integration. It's really like two steps forward, one step back. I'm ready for some peace and I hope it comes for both of us! Hang in there and keep fighting for your dreams.

Anonymous said...

there is alwas time for change if we are breathing, we get so frustrated at how slow the going is. How sutdle change can feel and look. You are amazing, you have come this far alive, no small fqeat, really!

Here's to Paris!

Hugs Ravin

Grace said...

Dear Faith, Thank you for sharing with me. You are on the far side of the pond of muck we must travel to get to integration. I don't know if congratulations is the right word. More like I'm so grateful for your strength, bravery, and resiliency to make it across. Such a lovely wish for us. I do hope it comes true. And thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Grace said...

Dearest Ravin, Healing or even trying to heal from DID is no small feat. Every baby step is like a giant victory for us...meaning you too. I will be glad for the day that the next baby step brings relief from the desire to just lay down and stop trying. Thank you always for your words of support and being my #1 fan. ♥

Anonymous said...

I have been scanning many websites recently about DID. I believe I'm "waking up." Until this point most of the sites Ive visited were Christian in perspective. They agree with the info on your site, but I still felt lost.Today I asked God to take me to any site, the right site for me at this time that He wanted me to find. I found it. I thank God for your openess and commitment.

Grace said...

Dear Anonymous, What a lovely comment. Am glad you were led here and hope you continue to find it helpful. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I call that synchronicity :-)

Anonymous said...

There is a super-injunction in the UK, preventing a defendant in a serious paedophile case from being named. He is a public servant, ie: previously leader of a borough council and a court administrator. There is no reason given as to why he can't be named, but it isn't to protect his victims.

Still, how are we to know who it is that we shouldn't name?

Grace said...

Dear Anonymous, I share your frustration with this injunction. Many pedophiles are viewed as "pillars of the community" or fun people to be around. Their dark side is only seen by their victims. I do think it is wrong for a pedophile's name to be withheld. It places children at risk. Thank you for sharing here.

Anonymous said...

Dear Grace,
Thanks for your writings and willingness to share your difficult journey. I discovered your websites and feel they offer so much hope, not only for DID survivors, but also for those victimized or depressed. I love how you have responded to the horror and despair of your abuse by actively turning to heal others. How grace-filled.

I've nearly always been a very happy and contented person. Even the past three years of a new life trauma of workplace mobbing, covert harassment and unemployment, has failed to quell my natural love of life. I'm a targeted individual, who (thankfully) has never been sexually abused; but because of my targeting, I discovered this whole secret world of trauma-based mind control and DID survivors in my online research. All of this victimization (in both the worlds of nonconsensual human experimentation and pedophilia) is so sick.

In your writings, you mentioned the covert harassment that survivors are subjected to, with the intent to silence, intimidate or discredit them. Apparently, like targeted individuals (the test subject variety), pedophile victims are targeted by ways and means unknown to the public. I'm referring to covert harassment with mind control techniques and technologies. I would recommend the website, for helpful information. It is a safe website.

But enough about me. I want to mention my husband, who suffers from this same recurring death wish that you and several commenters mention. His father emotionally abused and neglected him during his childhood. Now my husband often wishes to die. He believes the critical voice inside that was originally his father's voice.

He is not suicidal. He simply often wishes to go home to be with Jesus. I know that Jesus is healing him steadily, but the programming from his angry father keeps smothering his joy. And my crisis has contributed to his stress.

What do you recommend that I can do to best respond when he shares his death wish with me?

Pointing out reasons why he should live and not want to die doesn't work. I'm glad I've gone through a little suffering lately, so I can relate better to him, but I haven't been able to heal him or even comfort him significantly. This is a challenge that I don't really know how to respond to.

Do you provide online counseling, Grace? We are on the West Coast.