A Lifetime Sentence

I can recall two times in my life when I wasn’t burdened by thoughts of death. In the 18th year of my marriage, just before my life fell apart because of DID, I believed I would spending the rest of my life with my husband. It took me years to feel it would last “forever”. I was happy.

Post-known DID, after grad school, I was thrilled to immediately go into practice as a full time counselor. I had fully integrated in November 2002 and began as a full time counselor in 2003. For some unanalyzed reason, I became very depressed in late 2004…early 2005. A small dose of Cymbalta had me feeling beyond where I’d ever felt before in terms of happiness and joy. Basically I had early 2005 to mid-2007 without the death wish.

Not all with DID have the death wish as pervasively as others. Those of us with structured dissociation were introduced so early and so often to feeling life wasn’t worth living, it likely became “hard wired”. A term that basically means a message imbedded in the brain. It’s there to stay and we have to learn to cope with it because the message doesn’t change. The reason behind the madness was if we ever began to come out of our dissociation, we would be overwhelmed with suicide messages to ensure the abuser secrets.

As a moderator of Adult Survivors of Abuse on Polyvore, I constantly see those in early stages of DID struggling with suicidal messages or “life is too hard” messages. Yet I also see those who have been in therapy for years still struggling not to end it all just to not have to live through another day.

My message began in high school although I wrote poems about death as early as grades 2 through 4. In high school, it did feel as if someone else was giving me that message from inside. Apparently I’m reintegrated after falling apart by 2008 from medical trauma. That was complicated by my father’s death in early February. I found the alter holding the strong suicidal thoughts, and she is becoming more comfortable with the healing and healed insiders but she is still very sad and angry.

I never acted on my messages although it was a grueling struggle not to just take pills so I would not have to wake up again. When most every single day is a struggle, even after a decade or more of healing, one wonders if it’s really worth it. I would be the first to tell another that it IS worth it. It’s not all bad any more. But little seems to be good. Healing from DID is not an ending. It’s the beginning of learning how to live without the automatic filter of dissociation.

Today, to aid in my healing and struggle with death messages since my father’s death, I had a massage that draws negative energy out of the body…drains it from the body. I’m not certain if it is a good thing that I feel so suicidal now. Possibly all that stuck message is leaving the brain but also am “hearing” it at the same time. I have another massage next week to make sure it’s all moving along and out of the body.

I do have hopes and dreams. I don’t always remember all of them all of the time, but I have to believe that those achievable dreams are worth the fight. It sounds trite to say that dangling a carrot in front the nose can keep us alive. But, in reality, that’s what it boils down to for me.

Today I saw an art set by a Polyvore group member stating she had attempted suicide while a preteen and many times since. She’s now an adult and still just wanting to give up. Living with DID is not easy. My life may never be “easy”. It’s difficult to believe my life only had 3-1/2 really good years. Since I had no awareness of abuse or mind control until I was 44, the depression was not nearly as visible or intense. At 58, how much can I reasonably expect to change? Rebuilding muscles that once were in excellent shape is very slow baby steps. The medical complication on top of the DID. Goal: Paris 2012. Maybe life will look different then.