Fact is stranger than fiction

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

In the late 90s, I kept images of my alters in folders as their identities became known to me. ME ("Emmie), female inner wisdom shown at bottom of lower heart, is model Christy Turlington. Michael is actor Edward Burns. He acts and directs. One of his movies was She's the One. I have the article photo spread on him entitled He's the One.

My head felt a rush of new fuzziness after the fusion during therapy. As soon as I got home I began to get images from online of Edward Burns for collages. I was dumbfounded. He and Christy Turlington got married! Sometime in the past five years I think. Well, they are together in me now too. How weird is that?

Am still feeling at the back of the line but feel as if all who had been trapped in Ellie's male system before the fusion are out with a shorter line. But now that both halves of Ellie are reunited, I'm sure more answers will be coming. Many collages are showing programming even though I don't know what the programming did. My story is coming out from the perspective of the parts of me who lived it and I do have a greater understanding of that trauma life. What I don't understand is how anyone survives such trauma. The more I heal, the more I wonder why I am here on this earth.

I'm going on three months of collaging instead of flooding with a new surge yesterday. Although yesterday wasn't hoards of trapped ballerinas and traumatized she-males. It was just Michael. Who am I right now? I'm fuzzy me (at the top of the collage), my inner child parts, and my male and female inner wisdoms (ME and my Ian Fleming). Not as crowded...

My brain is not a fun place to visit

My thinking processes are not so clear these days but will write and see what comes out. The fusion has caused a feeling of greater multiplicity and increased forgetfulness. I didn't know there was a higher level of forgetfulness. I sort of understand that my being (which was conscious with at least partially processed memories) merged with my core with complete memory. Meaning...I think...that my conscious brain is now more muddled with floating chunks of amnesia. I cannot hold a thought. From the time I get up from the sofa and get into the kitchen, I have no idea why I'm there.

Brian has to remind me many times I have something to inhale or drink but as soon as I click on the computer to save what I was doing, I've forgotten what he just said. Now he stands there until I save my work and put the computer down. It feels like consciously I'm relaxing my brain to take a break so someone sneaks in and takes over for their time. I don't see my therapist for two more weeks. I need to work out an internal schedule, especially with the sleep. Several times this week I've been up till 5 am or later and slept till 1. I love that I was up before 10 today. I love my time in the mornings from about 8 to 10.

I have no focus for doing what needs to be done. Keep forgetting to check email. Forget to turn phone on for most of the day. Forget who I know. New Year's Eve I drove to a restaurant to meet with BB and friends because I was running late getting ready. I don't know who was out but she didn't know how to drive. Very disconcerting. Called for a protector to help with safe driving.

I've been living on Polyvore. As of last night had completed 29 collages in 15 days. The numbers stunned me. Things I have already processed are coming up in a more cohesive way although I still don't understand all they are trying to tell me. I finish a collage then realize I placed something in a very specific position so that it connected to a nearby image in most unusual way...startling actually.

I need to go back to my checklists. I had my daily calendar as a therapist. Somehow I have to make those things a priority before I jump onto the collage site. On the other hand, it feels essential that I be doing these collages now. One thing I learned long ago in my healing is to allow those healing things to happen. Can't imagine how I would manage if I were working while this total lack of focus is going on. I keep thinking the medical trauma must have triggered certain things that allowed for the fusion to take place. Perhaps, as awful as it was and still is, without that medical trauma, I wouldn't have been able to experience fusion. I do hope the internal craziness (lack of a time share schedule) calms down fairly soon.

More and more I would like to be able to counsel online. Until I feel ready to have total focus for my client(s), that is a wish. It would also allow me to write. I have several books in mind and my mission to be part of the healing of our sick underworld of organized pedophilia. Each day I send out thoughts to the Obama administration to see my application as something good and necessary.

Will proofread this entry but please excuse anything I miss! Since I haven't shared a collage on this blog, I'll provide one of my soothing works for you.


Simply Me by grace2244

Another incarnation of me

I wasn't sure whether to post here or on Forbidden Topic. Since it's more personal than helpful to others, I'm choosing here. I've blogged about my ongoing healing event...knowing something happened but not having that emotional connection to the internal change. That happened today. With all the ranting I do on this blog, I thought I'd share some serene thoughts as well as thoughts of doubt and future. Healing from DID is a long journey. I've disclosed I had two major integrations prior to becoming a full time therapist. So I was highly functioning with few issues to work on in therapy. When I began to practice, I changed therapy to once a month. That was a huge change for me.

The trauma of the medical stuff last year created some havoc with littles being shaken loose so I was feeling a little bit multiple again in the fear department. They healed fairly quickly once I realized what was happening. That happened somewhere between Halloween and mid-November. But back in September, a healed adult part of me came out as the blogger and advocate. I knew her as a little, Janie, and knew there was an adult Jane. Jane must have lived a major part of my subconscious life...integral part of my being.

I knew Jane was the advocate but I didn't realize until recently that I felt like I was in the background and she had taken over my life. I also came to realize she embodied the healed original child (sometimes called the core). Was thinking it was really her life. She should do what she wants. But her focus has been so intense and serious. I'm missing the fun in my life. I haven't played with my robotic dinos in ages and have felt stifled in making a new video featuring my tortoise Lucy. I've just felt different and disconnected...further from my friends than usual.

At one point in the past year or two, it became known that several healed adults had joined with me and we presented as one to the outside world. I didn't specifically notice any difference. It was odd that a merger happened into the conscious world when I did not share consciousness with them. I've stated before that the texts state "true integration" is when the one healing feels connected and feels ownership of all that happened in her life. I did not have that experience. I know this is complicated but would like to carry it out to the end.

On my drive to the therapist today, I came to realize that Jane coming forward back in September caused a redistribution (for lack of a better term) of the others who had joined me. All previously dissociated selves are integrated into Jane or me. In my therapy work today, Jane came to understand we needed to share this life we have and I wanted her to be able to continue with the education and advocacy but I wanted to feel joy in my life. Internally, I was behind Jane. She stepped to the side, placed her arm around me and helped move me next to her. I can't explain the overwhelming emotion. This loving feeling just surged between us. It was like seeing someone you loved ages ago never thinking you'd ever see them again. I sort of stayed in that internal feeling of loving for awhile.

The next thing that happened took me by surprise and I wasn't sure I liked it. Suddenly Jane and I melded into each other becoming one entity. I knew it was a good thing but also sort of scary. With any integration, life has more clarity and answers but there is always a fear of "What if I get lost and don't know who I am?" That's never happened but it remains a fear. Am feeling okay right now. I definitely want joy back in my life. I want life back in my life. This medical setback has been awful but may also have created a set of circumstances where I may have been unable to completely integrate without it. DID is weird.

I can definitely say my journey of integration is not what the experts would have you believe. The one big question is whether I will feel connected to the abuse that happened to my body...that ownership of my life. Time will tell. In the meantime, my core, my spirit, my being has strengthened. This I know.