Dec 6, 2008

DID weirdness

Having DID is weird. And the dissociation that remains even after major healing keeps life interesting, to say the least. I'm just understanding today about my eating cycles. For example, for months I was on a yogurt for lunch kick and snacking on healthy dried apricots daily. Suddenly I stopped and forgot they were even in the house. Throughout my life this has happened, usually noticed by an SO at the time.

This morning I was staring at the untouched apricots and realized I stopped eating them around September...when Jane came out rather prominently. Okay...Jane doesn't like apricots or yogurt. I started eating yogurt again since the integration but apparently there is no negotiation with the apricots. lol.

I rarely change what I eat and only eat certain foods. In grade school (one of those odd things to remember from a dissociated life), I used to eat bologna sandwiches every day. I've been repulsed by the thought of bologna since at least high school. Before I moved into my townhome a few years ago, I had delicious organic peanutbutter daily on toast. A huge treat. I brought two jars of it with me to the new home but it's not been touched. Change in home, change in dominant personality with different tastes? Thank goodness chocolate was never an issue.

After nearly two years of not moving, since I-day (integration) on Tuesday, I've been able to do healing energy work each day and stay off the extra calorie snacks. I have really good tasting snack bars with chocolate, high protein, and low calorie. As long as I remember to take one with me if I go out, I don't have the spontaneous chocolate bar craving. Or worse, the Starbucks double chocolate fudge espresso brownie and a truffle espresso. Guess it's just me having to be "on the same page" now. Although it is a melding of Jane's preferences and mine. Guess that will work out over time.

Even when integrated, initially it usually still feels like separateness until the smooth thoughts and actions become habit. I recall when a feisty little was in the process of integrating with adult me about 10 years ago. I'd have simultaneous double reactions which was beyond weird. Adult me would say, "Okay, fine." while my right hand would fly up and give the finger. Fortunately that was when I was a full-time healing survivor and not working or going to school. DID can be humorous and surprising. Kind of goes with comedians with unhappy childhoods having the best material, I guess.

In all the pain of healing, there were wonderful and even awesome moments. Am not feeling much internal anything since Tuesday...just lack of resistance to proceeding with my goals for healing my body. I do feel like my mind has put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I notice longer pauses for accessing information in my brain. That will pass though. And even though the external adult is one, the internal littles comprising the concept of inner child are happy and active and sometimes a little too spunky as I see sometimes on Twitter. Gotta watch that stuff.

While I've made this point before, and survivors have commented on this and other blogs, those with DID rarely appear out of the ordinary to the public. Their coping skills still work to get them through daily life. For most, there's only a brief time when memories begin that changes in mood or voice or personality may be noticed by others. We are fine (generally speaking) with the proper help. Society makes it so difficult for us to be ourselves. To say "We have DID" should not send the masses shrieking into the nearest shelter.

There is a generalized media-induced fear that anyone with DID has homicidal tendencies. This is so untrue and very unfair. If a person is telling you s/he has DID, it's known and being worked on. For women particularly, if there is a part prone to harm, it is towards the abusers only and understandable. I've stated before that women are more likely to harm themselves than ever harm another individual.

Men have a media-induced reputation of being dangerous and homicidal. If a man is in therapy and knows he has DID, he is not a danger. DID is often used as an attempted legal defense for someone who has committed a homicide but rarely was DID known or even validated prior to the crime. Just something to think about.

Being weird is not dangerous. In fact, it can be fun. Littles love to play games and color and watch Disney-like movies. I doubt you will be stabbed with a Crayola.


Anonymous said...

I smiled at your radical change in foods - I commented to my husband a few hours ago - Hey! I forgot I like fresh spinach sauted in garlic! I used to make it all the time, and then suddenly, it was gone. He said, yeah - I've missed it!

Last week, I ended up in a strange grocery store and walking up an aisle, a jar of Goober Grape jumped out at me. Goober Grape?!? When was the last time I had that!?! (That's the jar with stripes of peanut butter and jelly mixed together.)

Funny how that happens.

Emily's Camigwen

Grace said...

I remember Goober. Haven't been on a jelly or jam binge in a few years but sure another will come soon :-) Littles jumping up & down...

Wonder how people without littles experience their inner child?