Dec 20, 2008

The backwards world

It's known that organized abusers create great confusion in our subconscious worlds because confusion is one of those emotions that makes it easier for their messages to sink in. Fear, shock, confusion, dizziness, drugged. I've had difficulty for years with simply identification of left and right, forwards and backwards, up and down, among others. Tyler still struggles with the backwards language he was exposed to when he was 4 to 5 years old.

Jane (birth child me) and me (the entity with the healed alters) recently integrated. I have been staying up so late for months now. It dawned on me that maybe Jane has a different schedule. I spoke to her internally about a week ago about my need to get to bed about midnight but maybe we could start with just an hour earlier. She agreed that was a good idea. What happened is I have been staying up until 3 or nearly 4 for several days. Today I realized Jane is from the backwards world so my request for earlier translated to later. I think she understands now. Not sure what is involved for her to undo her language to adjust to current life.

It's been interesting. She is my writer and likely has been since second grade. Had always felt my writing came from another place inside me. That is not unusual for any writer though. We call it being in the flow when words just pour out of us. I'm so tired and must sleep but here I am writing. Think I'll try to take charge or work inside to go to bed before 3 a.m.

Can't wait for the United States of Tara for others to say, "Oh, that's what Grace must have been like!" I didn't change my clothes throughout the day if I happened to switch though. Since I don't know when I switched before September '97, who knows. Interesting life.

I also think Jane's "inner child" littles are a bit terrified of their first Christmas "out". They may need to see that all is safe so next year can be a good holiday. Am really fighting the whole Christmas concept this year. Hope to wake up tomorrow with sufficient spirit and energy to work on gift wrapping. It really needs to be done. Maybe Jane will move back and let me wrap...or allow littles to make sure the gift bags are safe and play with the ribbon.

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