What A Day, a song by Greg Laswell, sung for a Grey's Anatomy episode, are the lyrics to my day. The rest of my yuck memory surfaced during my therapy session. I'm grateful that my mind can be out of that level of distress by surgery next week. The answer is always something humane people cannot possibly imagine. I can't imagine having survived what I remember from many memories. Today was particularly gruesome. Sometimes I wish I hadn't survived to remember them.
There was a time having a memory like this would have disabled me for weeks. I'm now at a point where I recognize when a memory is coming, do what I can on my own, recognize what needs to happen when I can hear reassuring words from my therapist. I suspected my older sister was also a victim but it never came up in my system as a direct message. I had alter names that were similar to hers. In my dreams she is always helping me. She was a nice big sister. I have conscious memory of her teaching me to tie my shoes. Part of the message was both my sisters were victims of my father. My younger sister was in my memories as a baby/toddler. I grew up terrified of her without any conscious reason.
I had also read that sometimes one child of a perp will not be hurt. I figured my older sister had been spared. But her husband came up as a perp. Strange family history with him. My father and his previous generations came up. He had the perfect parental combination to be a sadist. Am sure he tortured and killed animals as a child.
For the first 2-3 years of my healing, I thought all of my abusers were connected to my father and far from home. A boy who was with me through my abuse from birth to age 11 appeared to have been killed in a horrific manner in my presence. My family moved overseas the summer I was 11. I had a very twisted history of "Mikey". Later in healing I learned "Mikey" had been my cousin who was still alive and well. We were born a month apart. That was a stunning answer. Shook up my life all over again. Mikey was the son of my father's sister. My favorite aunt. Her husband was evil personified. If I had to choose between that uncle (now deceased) and my father as a child, I would have chosen my father even though I was always afraid of him. Another trick, lie, to cause me great distress in my dissociated life. My cousin has not had a good life. Very troubled since high school. I saw him only a few times at family gatherings prior to the late 90s from the time we returned from that overseas assignment.
Another relative who was the biggest shock, was an uncle...on my mother's side. How was that possible unless all family and all relations were either perps and/or dissociative. The "ideal" dysfunctional multi-generational family? I can't say much about my uncle other than that his name and his particular world surfaced. Yet I have no distress surrounding him except for generalized fear of family. I recall always wanting to be close to him consciously. No fear. Even at the last family gathering. I would have thought he was the most gentle being on the planet. That is how the rest of the world views him...that and being brilliant. I still reel from this knowledge. I hope my memory is wrong. But I trust it sufficiently to maintain my distance.
Using Tyler as an example, the child featured on Believe the Children, names of his young cousins were used by abusers for other children being hurt with him which makes the report unbelievable. My memories have had proof of their reality...at least locations. Precise details. Understanding the dynamics of families with organized pedophiles, it makes sense that abuse would have come from both sides. It's still mind boggling. I still hold out hope my uncle is safe. Not all has been processed.
What a day to be alive
What a day to realize I'm not dead
I'm glad to feel the relief of having the answer that needed to come forward. It's never easy to know any detail of horror. My being was literally shattered with this memory. It created the little boy alters who could answer honestly to "Are you a girl?" It wasn't okay for me to be a girl coming into this world. The only way to instill such a belief in a 4- or 5-year-old girl was to create huge trauma and cause a breakdown that would result in a division where a female child could be consciously a girl and subconsciously believe she was a male. It's a lot to process. Evil genius if you think like a perp, I guess. It's sad to have to know how to think like a perp to truly understand or make any sense of the "why".
Ever hear the terms on television shows...like Alias? People are always referred to as assets. Depersonalize. What a day to be human.
Oct 28, 2008
Oct 25, 2008
Preparing for Oct 31st
Any survivor of organized pedophilia or a pedophile who made holidays a day of abuse dreads Halloween, beginning with the store decorations a month or more earlier. Then come the lawn decorations. We use our coping skills. More are needed during early healing. I'm pretty much healed from dissociation but still have PTSD with a few very strong responses remaining.Yesterday, I was the passenger (thank goodness) in a car following a car that had a partial arm and hand hanging out of the trunk. I didn't see it initially. When I did, I went into a screaming sort of panic attack. I was observant of the reaction and calmed myself down but hated having to follow that car for another five minutes. I was angry that people thought that was funny.
Early in healing, I couldn't deal with the lawn decorations and especially the night of trick or treating. Little kids in costumes. But it was terrifying. Trigger overload. I've lost many of those responses. Either I'm just subconsciously blanking out the decorated homes or not as many people are doing lawn skeletons or graveyards or dead people hanging off of roofs this year. I've been okay but still dread it.
I know I spoke of this before but it's very much on my mind right now and on the minds of survivors and victims everywhere. An innocent pumpkin even uncarved, sends a bit of a chill down my spine. Still. Something horrid happened on Halloween night that went into November 1st when I was very young. I think I had just turned two. It has stayed with me and my mind never let go of whatever happened. I think I know, but I will never have proof. Except that I have PTSD to Halloween after ten years of healing and even helping others to cope with their own Halloween PTSD.
I will cope. I have the skills. I shouldn't have to cope though. No child should ever have to cope with the level of trauma those with DID endure and endured.
Oct 21, 2008
Page 2 of the story
Herschel Walker has DID. I saw his video today on YouTube and a longer version at FORA.tv. One of the better articles was written by a CNN website. Interesting listening to him. Finally someone normal people can relate to. He won the Heisman Trophy in 1982. See what an amazing life he led? No one knew. His wife started to see the switching once he began to fall apart before the healing.
I read several articles that were released in April 2008. Many spread the misinformation. Some were well reported. What I heard of Herschel's video, he is sincere in describing how he embraces his personalities. One article was so offensive, I left my point of view, FWIW. Walker wrote his story Breaking Free: My Life with DID which was also released in April 2008. The odd part of the story is Herschel believes (as does his therapist) that alters were created in response to bullying in grade school. Possibly he hasn't gotten to the original abuse memories since he would have had DID from abuse prior to age 9 (at the latest).
His therapist obviously was not trained to treat DID. Some of the articles sensationalized issues, especially a suicidal part. I'm sure in men that would manifest in more active and violent ways than a woman would consider. I can't speak to the veracity of stories of him threatening his wife with a knife in an alter state. I feel badly that his story cannot be written accurately because people write the propaganda instead of the well researched work by the experts. DID needs a spokesperson. I'm sure any celebrity who has struggled with identifying and healing from DID has gone to great lengths to hide it. Look at what has been done to Britney Spears. If she has DID, she is suffering enough without her mental health issues being plastered across headlines.
A singing group called Thirteen Senses has extraordinary songs that match the realm of organized pedophile abuse. Makes me wonder if the composer is a survivor. Sarah McLachlan sings beautifully and chillingly of that world of abuse. Maybe one day we survivors will have our spokesperson so we will be heard.
I read several articles that were released in April 2008. Many spread the misinformation. Some were well reported. What I heard of Herschel's video, he is sincere in describing how he embraces his personalities. One article was so offensive, I left my point of view, FWIW. Walker wrote his story Breaking Free: My Life with DID which was also released in April 2008. The odd part of the story is Herschel believes (as does his therapist) that alters were created in response to bullying in grade school. Possibly he hasn't gotten to the original abuse memories since he would have had DID from abuse prior to age 9 (at the latest).
His therapist obviously was not trained to treat DID. Some of the articles sensationalized issues, especially a suicidal part. I'm sure in men that would manifest in more active and violent ways than a woman would consider. I can't speak to the veracity of stories of him threatening his wife with a knife in an alter state. I feel badly that his story cannot be written accurately because people write the propaganda instead of the well researched work by the experts. DID needs a spokesperson. I'm sure any celebrity who has struggled with identifying and healing from DID has gone to great lengths to hide it. Look at what has been done to Britney Spears. If she has DID, she is suffering enough without her mental health issues being plastered across headlines.
A singing group called Thirteen Senses has extraordinary songs that match the realm of organized pedophile abuse. Makes me wonder if the composer is a survivor. Sarah McLachlan sings beautifully and chillingly of that world of abuse. Maybe one day we survivors will have our spokesperson so we will be heard.
Oct 17, 2008
I vs. We vs. You
Something extraordinary happens to people who realize they have DID. Their language changes to describe themselves as "we". It's sort of a natural evolution. And it is difficult to hide in public. Survivors try to hide it because it is unacceptable to society (from the greater world to the workplace to the family of origin). Lives of those who are victims of horrific abuse have to hide what is happening to them at a most vulnerable time in their lives when they want to be reaching out to others.
I learned the hard way. My best friend at work, where I was employed at the time of coming undone, was someone I trusted. Of course I was sharing about my nightmares and research and OMG I have multiple personalities! Well, it scared the sh*t out of him. I told my boss because I thought she should know because I was so emotionally distressed and still trying to work. She was angry when I needed short-term disability to try to regroup from the emotional bomb because I left her short-handed. So much for support. I didn't learn from that experience. When I was further along with memories, I had left my full time employment and tried a less demanding job. In trying to help a fellow employee whose sister was remembering father abuse, I offered information that frightened her.
This is what the media has done to us abuse survivors. I learned just prior to my leaving my full time position that my former best friend at work had believed some part of me would jump out and punch him. He was over 6' tall and I'm under 5'. Go figure. It's ridiculous how we have to fight propaganda. If you're a friend, you can ask! What can I do to help you? Should I be afraid of you? What should I do if you are someone else here at the office?
I remember struggling to hide the "we" in my language. Of course that only served to fuel the unnecessary fear if I let it slip. If you know someone who has DID, allowing them to just be comfortable is a wonderful gift. Friends and significant others open to knowing all of the person they love or care about can give healing a much-needed boost. You may get to know other selves. If an identity feels safe to speak to you, the more likely that part will begin sharing consciousness with the person you know as your friend. It's all good.
When I began to speak to classmates at grad school, I was extra careful about my language. By the end of the degree program, I had at least one major integration. My language shifted just as naturally back into "I". I didn't have to think about it. I still could have been a therapist with DID and all the coping skills, but integration made it easier and I'm grateful for the change before I began to see clients.
Actually, it's reassuring to say "we" as a multiple. It's validation to all inside who are unhealed or healed but separate (cooperation vs. integration). All share the body. "We" is a term meaning more than one. It's the correct term.
I learned the hard way. My best friend at work, where I was employed at the time of coming undone, was someone I trusted. Of course I was sharing about my nightmares and research and OMG I have multiple personalities! Well, it scared the sh*t out of him. I told my boss because I thought she should know because I was so emotionally distressed and still trying to work. She was angry when I needed short-term disability to try to regroup from the emotional bomb because I left her short-handed. So much for support. I didn't learn from that experience. When I was further along with memories, I had left my full time employment and tried a less demanding job. In trying to help a fellow employee whose sister was remembering father abuse, I offered information that frightened her.
This is what the media has done to us abuse survivors. I learned just prior to my leaving my full time position that my former best friend at work had believed some part of me would jump out and punch him. He was over 6' tall and I'm under 5'. Go figure. It's ridiculous how we have to fight propaganda. If you're a friend, you can ask! What can I do to help you? Should I be afraid of you? What should I do if you are someone else here at the office?
I remember struggling to hide the "we" in my language. Of course that only served to fuel the unnecessary fear if I let it slip. If you know someone who has DID, allowing them to just be comfortable is a wonderful gift. Friends and significant others open to knowing all of the person they love or care about can give healing a much-needed boost. You may get to know other selves. If an identity feels safe to speak to you, the more likely that part will begin sharing consciousness with the person you know as your friend. It's all good.
When I began to speak to classmates at grad school, I was extra careful about my language. By the end of the degree program, I had at least one major integration. My language shifted just as naturally back into "I". I didn't have to think about it. I still could have been a therapist with DID and all the coping skills, but integration made it easier and I'm grateful for the change before I began to see clients.
Actually, it's reassuring to say "we" as a multiple. It's validation to all inside who are unhealed or healed but separate (cooperation vs. integration). All share the body. "We" is a term meaning more than one. It's the correct term.
Oct 15, 2008
Falling awake from amnesia
**Viewing the video may be triggering to unhealed survivors**
I've been trapped in my creative flow lately. I think I just completed the last video for awhile. It taps into all my energy although I'm pleased with the result in educational terms. The new video was created to help the greater world understand what it's like for trauma memories to begin to seep through consciousness in sleep. Images of what might be typically innocent objects come up as trauma with no meaning initially. Puzzle pieces that will eventually make sense. The logical brain tries to put the pieces together, but the pieces initially viewed may not even go with the same puzzles(s). Fitful sleep is a problem for all with DID. Some medications help but don't stop the brain's natural process of releasing the trauma.
It was challenging to create a dreamscape. Often dreams continue in a similar manner to the leaking memories. A continuing dream is a sign that it likely goes with a memory. Often survivors become fearful of going to sleep. I personally chose to sleep on the sofa for about a year since I seemed not to have memories when I didn't go to sleep in bed. Eventually nightmares began on the sofa as well. Since major healing, I rarely have the trauma nightmares. I still often awake having had a dream with elements of my unknown past feeling scared or trapped. It's "softened". I wonder if it ever fully processes. I do have periods of time with no dreams. I don't seem to dream at all unless some element of my dissociated past is included.
Before memories, I had wonderful dreams and strange typically odd dreams from bits and pieces of my conscious world. I also had my share of nightmares which I always viewed as just nightmares and something normal.
Lately, I'm a bit overwhelmed realizing how society and government as we know it now is so inculcated with this pedophilia web. It's a shame it keeps getting passed on because the abusers from my past are in their 70s and 80s now...mostly. I keep waiting to see their obituaries. Do you realize that government money supports the abuse of our children? Some subheading of a subheading in the budget.
So as not to sound too "out there", I'd like to suggest you check out the Dept. of Energy's website disclosing it's human radiation experiments which included children during the Cold War. And let us not forget the Tuskeegee experiments, the radiation in the oatmeal of orphans, nonconsensual testing of soldiers, injecting terminally ill cancer patients with Plutonium without their knowledge at Massachusetts General Hospital in the 40s and 50s, and more.
Somehow the records of these projects are never released or found until 30 to 40 years after the secret experiments. If you search for government human experimentation, there is a list showing known experiments as recently as 2000. Where in the government are today's human experimentation projects hidden and funded? Think Agent Orange, the measles vaccine where Kaiser Permanente has been implicated in a class action suit, and numerous references to biological experimentation on soldiers who gave no consent and had no knowledge until after the fact. It makes me wonder about bird flu and something else that turned up in the US in the past few years that hadn't been here before.
Possibly having biology labs, and military and government elements in memories (proven or not) causes one to question the government's allegiance to its own citizens. I can't tell you how tragic it was for me to remember something scientific in a memory/dream only to learn it was true. This is why speaking the truth is forbidden. It's too big to stop. But the secrecy aspect of anything can only go on as long is goes unquestioned by the humanity of our world. By the way, reading or hearing anything scientific or mathematical is a trigger to me. How does that happen if trauma didn't get connected to it? Just something to consider.
It doesn't matter if what I remember or other survivors with similar memories are recalling is truth. Questioning is good. Demanding disclosure is good. Senator Kennedy was part of declassifying many documents related to experiments on unwitting college students, military and government employees and citizens in the early 1970s. However, the person in charge of the program known as MK-Ultra destroyed as many documents as he could prior to the hearings (see Wikopedia's page on this topic). A group of people who had been targeted for experimentation under this program in Canada were finally successful in receiving a settlement from the CIA.
In reviewing the link to the MK-Ultra hearings, I just noticed that Senator Biden was on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence investigating MK-Ultra. Why weren't the citizens of the nation outraged when that was going on? There was barely a ripple.
Waking up from amnesia is definitely a double edged sword. I wish America would wake up and smell the deception and subhuman elements of our government and society...before I die. That is my wish. The background song to the new video is Gary Jules's "Mad World". Yeah, it is.
I've been trapped in my creative flow lately. I think I just completed the last video for awhile. It taps into all my energy although I'm pleased with the result in educational terms. The new video was created to help the greater world understand what it's like for trauma memories to begin to seep through consciousness in sleep. Images of what might be typically innocent objects come up as trauma with no meaning initially. Puzzle pieces that will eventually make sense. The logical brain tries to put the pieces together, but the pieces initially viewed may not even go with the same puzzles(s). Fitful sleep is a problem for all with DID. Some medications help but don't stop the brain's natural process of releasing the trauma.
It was challenging to create a dreamscape. Often dreams continue in a similar manner to the leaking memories. A continuing dream is a sign that it likely goes with a memory. Often survivors become fearful of going to sleep. I personally chose to sleep on the sofa for about a year since I seemed not to have memories when I didn't go to sleep in bed. Eventually nightmares began on the sofa as well. Since major healing, I rarely have the trauma nightmares. I still often awake having had a dream with elements of my unknown past feeling scared or trapped. It's "softened". I wonder if it ever fully processes. I do have periods of time with no dreams. I don't seem to dream at all unless some element of my dissociated past is included.
Before memories, I had wonderful dreams and strange typically odd dreams from bits and pieces of my conscious world. I also had my share of nightmares which I always viewed as just nightmares and something normal.
Lately, I'm a bit overwhelmed realizing how society and government as we know it now is so inculcated with this pedophilia web. It's a shame it keeps getting passed on because the abusers from my past are in their 70s and 80s now...mostly. I keep waiting to see their obituaries. Do you realize that government money supports the abuse of our children? Some subheading of a subheading in the budget.
So as not to sound too "out there", I'd like to suggest you check out the Dept. of Energy's website disclosing it's human radiation experiments which included children during the Cold War. And let us not forget the Tuskeegee experiments, the radiation in the oatmeal of orphans, nonconsensual testing of soldiers, injecting terminally ill cancer patients with Plutonium without their knowledge at Massachusetts General Hospital in the 40s and 50s, and more.
Somehow the records of these projects are never released or found until 30 to 40 years after the secret experiments. If you search for government human experimentation, there is a list showing known experiments as recently as 2000. Where in the government are today's human experimentation projects hidden and funded? Think Agent Orange, the measles vaccine where Kaiser Permanente has been implicated in a class action suit, and numerous references to biological experimentation on soldiers who gave no consent and had no knowledge until after the fact. It makes me wonder about bird flu and something else that turned up in the US in the past few years that hadn't been here before.
Possibly having biology labs, and military and government elements in memories (proven or not) causes one to question the government's allegiance to its own citizens. I can't tell you how tragic it was for me to remember something scientific in a memory/dream only to learn it was true. This is why speaking the truth is forbidden. It's too big to stop. But the secrecy aspect of anything can only go on as long is goes unquestioned by the humanity of our world. By the way, reading or hearing anything scientific or mathematical is a trigger to me. How does that happen if trauma didn't get connected to it? Just something to consider.
It doesn't matter if what I remember or other survivors with similar memories are recalling is truth. Questioning is good. Demanding disclosure is good. Senator Kennedy was part of declassifying many documents related to experiments on unwitting college students, military and government employees and citizens in the early 1970s. However, the person in charge of the program known as MK-Ultra destroyed as many documents as he could prior to the hearings (see Wikopedia's page on this topic). A group of people who had been targeted for experimentation under this program in Canada were finally successful in receiving a settlement from the CIA.
In reviewing the link to the MK-Ultra hearings, I just noticed that Senator Biden was on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence investigating MK-Ultra. Why weren't the citizens of the nation outraged when that was going on? There was barely a ripple.
Waking up from amnesia is definitely a double edged sword. I wish America would wake up and smell the deception and subhuman elements of our government and society...before I die. That is my wish. The background song to the new video is Gary Jules's "Mad World". Yeah, it is.
Oct 10, 2008
Validation is a b*tch
During the first three months of 2007, several members of the psychological community and/or survivors opened an extensive online questionnaire for survivors of extreme abuse. Over 1,400 survivors from 31 countries participated. Word of the survey was spread through the internet and therapists with clients who were survivors. It was a "spread the word" campaign. Survivors who knew survivors who knew support groups of survivors.
The term "extreme abuse" encompasses all that I have been addressing plus elements I won't specifically address here, but am providing the link if you wish more details. It also is one explanation of why there was a "surge" of adults with a diagnosis of DID in the 80s and 90s.
My motivation for finding the results was to support my presentation here that the common denominator for extreme abuse is organized pedophilia. The following was copied from the Extreme Abuse Survey results:
Listed below are the five most frequently reported “yes” responses for the memories, possible aftereffects, and personal experiences sections [of the survey].
Memories
It is known there are far more than 1,471 survivors worldwide. Many survivors do not have access to a computer and wouldn't have known of the survey. In many cases, if a survivor had heard of the survey, they wouldn't have been able to participate due to lack of computer knowledge. And there is the unknown number who have yet to begin to remember or "suicided" (committed suicide due to internal messages to self destruct).
Abuse at the hands of multiple pedophiles is more widespread. Considering 20 million Americans are believed to be victims of parental incest, one can only imagine what percentage adapted with DID. Even using the common statistic often refuted in the community of therapists who treat DID of 1 in 100 (of the entire population), that is a staggering statistic. Then translate that to worldwide.
DID is not rare. It is also not common. It just is. It is a response to repeated traumatic abuse in childhood. Incest victims meet that definition but not all incest begins prior to age 6. DID is not a choice. After a lifetime of unknown secrets, survivors must learn to remain mostly secretive to survive with a semi-normal life in society because of the skewed perception of DID. And that sucks even more than validation.
A special thanks to the brave souls who spent untold hours working on developing the survey and implementing it in a manner to be accepted into psychological publications for the world to know. If readers of this blog choose to visit the Extreme Abuse Survey results, be forewarned. Survivors were subjected to what is categorized as torture while young children. It's intense.
The term "extreme abuse" encompasses all that I have been addressing plus elements I won't specifically address here, but am providing the link if you wish more details. It also is one explanation of why there was a "surge" of adults with a diagnosis of DID in the 80s and 90s.
My motivation for finding the results was to support my presentation here that the common denominator for extreme abuse is organized pedophilia. The following was copied from the Extreme Abuse Survey results:
Listed below are the five most frequently reported “yes” responses for the memories, possible aftereffects, and personal experiences sections [of the survey].
Memories
- Receiving physical abuse from perpetrators
- Sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators
- Being threatened with death if I ever talked about the abuse
- Witnessing physical abuse by perpetrators on other victims
- Sleep problems
- Painful body memories
- Posttraumatic stress disorder
- Unusual fears
- Beliefs indoctrinated by perpetrator(s)
- Individual Psychotherapy/Counseling
- Supportive Friends
- Creative Writing
- Personal Prayer/Meditation
- Journaling
It is known there are far more than 1,471 survivors worldwide. Many survivors do not have access to a computer and wouldn't have known of the survey. In many cases, if a survivor had heard of the survey, they wouldn't have been able to participate due to lack of computer knowledge. And there is the unknown number who have yet to begin to remember or "suicided" (committed suicide due to internal messages to self destruct).
Abuse at the hands of multiple pedophiles is more widespread. Considering 20 million Americans are believed to be victims of parental incest, one can only imagine what percentage adapted with DID. Even using the common statistic often refuted in the community of therapists who treat DID of 1 in 100 (of the entire population), that is a staggering statistic. Then translate that to worldwide.
DID is not rare. It is also not common. It just is. It is a response to repeated traumatic abuse in childhood. Incest victims meet that definition but not all incest begins prior to age 6. DID is not a choice. After a lifetime of unknown secrets, survivors must learn to remain mostly secretive to survive with a semi-normal life in society because of the skewed perception of DID. And that sucks even more than validation.
A special thanks to the brave souls who spent untold hours working on developing the survey and implementing it in a manner to be accepted into psychological publications for the world to know. If readers of this blog choose to visit the Extreme Abuse Survey results, be forewarned. Survivors were subjected to what is categorized as torture while young children. It's intense.
Oct 8, 2008
When the bough breaks
Oct 6, 2008
Did Steven get it right?
Steven Spielberg is behind a new "dark comedy" to air on Showtime, The United States of Tara. The main character is a wife and mother of two teenage kids who seems normal on the surface but actually suffers from dissociative identity disorder. The series follows Tara as she deals with her various personalities. In the pilot, her personalities include a teen girl and adult man who emerge at times of stress. I saw the teaser for the pilot last night.
Spielberg is known for his sensitivity in treating serious topics and his research. We can only hope that will hold true for this series. Those with DID certainly joke about it. We have to. And it's okay for those with DID to joke amongst themselves. I would dearly love to see this pilot present this topic with great sensitivity through humor and grace (words cited as commentary to announcement of this topic. The writer of the co-pilot is the person who wrote Juno which was a wonderful movie--serious issues with a sense of humor.
In looking for more about the new show, I found articles using the wrong terms (i.e. multiple personality syndrome). The personalities were described from an entertainment perspective: an aggressive male biker or promiscuous teenage girl or Martha Stewart-like homemaker. The same review described the series as Weeds meets Sybil. No premiere date can be found. Maybe I'll catch the preview again on Showtime with an air date.
Hmmm. I wonder if Tara is in therapy in the show? Would love to see the topic handled accurately and neither trivialized nor sensationalized.
Spielberg is known for his sensitivity in treating serious topics and his research. We can only hope that will hold true for this series. Those with DID certainly joke about it. We have to. And it's okay for those with DID to joke amongst themselves. I would dearly love to see this pilot present this topic with great sensitivity through humor and grace (words cited as commentary to announcement of this topic. The writer of the co-pilot is the person who wrote Juno which was a wonderful movie--serious issues with a sense of humor.
In looking for more about the new show, I found articles using the wrong terms (i.e. multiple personality syndrome). The personalities were described from an entertainment perspective: an aggressive male biker or promiscuous teenage girl or Martha Stewart-like homemaker. The same review described the series as Weeds meets Sybil. No premiere date can be found. Maybe I'll catch the preview again on Showtime with an air date.
Hmmm. I wonder if Tara is in therapy in the show? Would love to see the topic handled accurately and neither trivialized nor sensationalized.
Oct 4, 2008
In the thick of it
I won't ever have a way of knowing unless I'm led to an answer. But it's possible my one client's perps (who follow me because of my having advocated for her in the past), were part of my own abuse "network". It's only been 11 years I've been fully conscious in my life. I already know that my other actively abused client had a perp in her life who had been my role model neighbor when I was in high school. Katie is the 4-year-old alter of a former adult client. The gang of pedophiles to which she is connected against her will is headed by a man about 10 years younger than me. He would have been a 30-year-old pedophile when I was a 40-year-old dissociated victim.
I've lived in this area since high school. When my parents moved away, I know now my neighbor knew how to keep me in the fold. I was going on 30 then. When I "woke up", I was working full time, quite effectively and with much conscious praise, for a managed health care company. I had to take leave because of the conscious trauma of the first memories and having to learn how to return to work and somehow be okay. During that short-term leave, I began to do collages. One of my collages along with some internal narrative showed me a vice president of my company, an alter, something to do with foreign stocks, and the word SPIN.
The collage with all the symbols meant nothing to me. I could see things like NOK and "trading at the sound of the bell" and dollar signs. When I looked up NOK, I saw it was the symbol for Norwegian currency. The alter is on the phone and financial symbols are surrounding her. Someone has a finger over their lips. "Don't tell." I had not yet fully learned to understand how I received messages. Even though the collage told me a particular person at work was using the word "spin" with some phrase by telephone to cause me to make phone calls to what? Make stock or currency trades? For whom? Why?...It seemed too surreal to me.
I returned to work after leave. I interacted with this company officer by phone and in person to collaborate on a weekly project. One day, shortly after my return, he came to my desk, pulled up a chair, and we reviewed the project. No
problem. Soon after he left, my phone rang. It was him. He wanted a change made but trusted me to write what he wanted to convey. As I was about to hang up, he said, "I trust you to put your spin on it." I stayed conscious, kinda laughed, hung up, and nearly passed out I got so dizzy. I had another picture of the adult female alter hanging upside down with the words "In spin we trust" under her. I trust you to put your spin... My collage and internal message were right on. I learned to trust internal messages very quickly after that.
The first company I worked for out of high school was for the same company where my neighbor worked. WTF? And look at the irony of my last job before having to give up life as I knew it for healing. Survivors scream for help healing while health care refuses to recognize the diagnosis of DID as requiring intensive therapy. And there I was at a managed care company being used in a dissociative state! That's as much as I know definitely about my former dissociated adult life. Exploitation for activities out of conscious awareness.
So I remained living in an area apparently entrenched in this crap for the past 40 years. I live among people who have seen me doing things I don't remember doing...kiddie porn is all I remember from childhood. But what if there are things out there now with me as an adult? I can't deal with that madness. I'm so upset just writing that thought. Both my father and the one survivor's parents worked in the same place. Their paths crossed in the 1970s but it could have been for at least 10 years. Does that mean we only lived places in my life where this stuff was going on? Pedophile community to pedophile community? Do they all know each other? Refer to each other if moving to a new area?
I had confirmation during very early healing that all levels of organized pedophilia interact. I would imagine all pedophile communities surrounding a hub city are aware of each other. Possibly each specializes in some aspect of exploitation. This is what law enforcement needs to figure out. It's huge. It's scary. I walk among my perpetrators. My life has never been my own. Even as healed as I am, they make sure I know they are there. The only way I can do it is to say f*ck them and walk out the door. Some days that's difficult to do. Some days that's impossible to do. Some days I really can say WTF and go about my day. Life shouldn't have to be this difficult. I am only one survivor. I suspect the numbers of victims (children and adults) is in the hundreds of thousands rather than thousands who don't know they are even being used. It's sickening.
Had I known early in my healing I was still in the thick of it, I doubt I could have handled it. I don't know how Katie and the adult of my former client's body handle that knowledge. I had originally thought all of my abuse happened when I was out of town (or taken away from home when younger). I couldn't imagine or even suspected it was local. My mind didn't allow me to go there. It was not until I was in grad school that those memories surfaced. At that point they were answers that made perfect sense. Also it was horrific processing that had been the case and it was outside my door. But I was strong enough to know it and choose to remain here where the rest of my life is. I don't think it matters if I'm here or I move. Someone's eyes from that world will be watching.
Once born into that world, the victim is theirs. Infancy until thirties or forties with some outliers. And add about ten years for strong healing. If we're lucky, we get a mostly conscious and peaceful retirement. It's so surreal to say; I'm sure it's surreal to hear. Even when not connected to a group, a child's future is sealed pretty much for the first three quarters of her life if DID is created from overwhelming abuse. This cannot ever be okay.
I've lived in this area since high school. When my parents moved away, I know now my neighbor knew how to keep me in the fold. I was going on 30 then. When I "woke up", I was working full time, quite effectively and with much conscious praise, for a managed health care company. I had to take leave because of the conscious trauma of the first memories and having to learn how to return to work and somehow be okay. During that short-term leave, I began to do collages. One of my collages along with some internal narrative showed me a vice president of my company, an alter, something to do with foreign stocks, and the word SPIN.
The collage with all the symbols meant nothing to me. I could see things like NOK and "trading at the sound of the bell" and dollar signs. When I looked up NOK, I saw it was the symbol for Norwegian currency. The alter is on the phone and financial symbols are surrounding her. Someone has a finger over their lips. "Don't tell." I had not yet fully learned to understand how I received messages. Even though the collage told me a particular person at work was using the word "spin" with some phrase by telephone to cause me to make phone calls to what? Make stock or currency trades? For whom? Why?...It seemed too surreal to me.
I returned to work after leave. I interacted with this company officer by phone and in person to collaborate on a weekly project. One day, shortly after my return, he came to my desk, pulled up a chair, and we reviewed the project. No
problem. Soon after he left, my phone rang. It was him. He wanted a change made but trusted me to write what he wanted to convey. As I was about to hang up, he said, "I trust you to put your spin on it." I stayed conscious, kinda laughed, hung up, and nearly passed out I got so dizzy. I had another picture of the adult female alter hanging upside down with the words "In spin we trust" under her. I trust you to put your spin... My collage and internal message were right on. I learned to trust internal messages very quickly after that.The first company I worked for out of high school was for the same company where my neighbor worked. WTF? And look at the irony of my last job before having to give up life as I knew it for healing. Survivors scream for help healing while health care refuses to recognize the diagnosis of DID as requiring intensive therapy. And there I was at a managed care company being used in a dissociative state! That's as much as I know definitely about my former dissociated adult life. Exploitation for activities out of conscious awareness.
So I remained living in an area apparently entrenched in this crap for the past 40 years. I live among people who have seen me doing things I don't remember doing...kiddie porn is all I remember from childhood. But what if there are things out there now with me as an adult? I can't deal with that madness. I'm so upset just writing that thought. Both my father and the one survivor's parents worked in the same place. Their paths crossed in the 1970s but it could have been for at least 10 years. Does that mean we only lived places in my life where this stuff was going on? Pedophile community to pedophile community? Do they all know each other? Refer to each other if moving to a new area?
I had confirmation during very early healing that all levels of organized pedophilia interact. I would imagine all pedophile communities surrounding a hub city are aware of each other. Possibly each specializes in some aspect of exploitation. This is what law enforcement needs to figure out. It's huge. It's scary. I walk among my perpetrators. My life has never been my own. Even as healed as I am, they make sure I know they are there. The only way I can do it is to say f*ck them and walk out the door. Some days that's difficult to do. Some days that's impossible to do. Some days I really can say WTF and go about my day. Life shouldn't have to be this difficult. I am only one survivor. I suspect the numbers of victims (children and adults) is in the hundreds of thousands rather than thousands who don't know they are even being used. It's sickening.
Had I known early in my healing I was still in the thick of it, I doubt I could have handled it. I don't know how Katie and the adult of my former client's body handle that knowledge. I had originally thought all of my abuse happened when I was out of town (or taken away from home when younger). I couldn't imagine or even suspected it was local. My mind didn't allow me to go there. It was not until I was in grad school that those memories surfaced. At that point they were answers that made perfect sense. Also it was horrific processing that had been the case and it was outside my door. But I was strong enough to know it and choose to remain here where the rest of my life is. I don't think it matters if I'm here or I move. Someone's eyes from that world will be watching.
Once born into that world, the victim is theirs. Infancy until thirties or forties with some outliers. And add about ten years for strong healing. If we're lucky, we get a mostly conscious and peaceful retirement. It's so surreal to say; I'm sure it's surreal to hear. Even when not connected to a group, a child's future is sealed pretty much for the first three quarters of her life if DID is created from overwhelming abuse. This cannot ever be okay.
Oct 3, 2008
No one to call for help
In real life, at this very moment, the child alter "Katie" of adult victim/survivor "Christina" could be in the hands of the pedophile group that has haunted her life at least since toddlerhood. Denial by the nation allows her life to be in jeopardy every moment of every day. The police have given permission for her abusers to access her as often as they want because she is too terrified of the police to call them and I can no longer call the police for her, not to mention they scoff at her "problems". I'm distanced from her life and don't know the details of her daily struggles. I just know it continues.
Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.
The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.
To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?
As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.
Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.
My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.
I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.
How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.
The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?
I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?
My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.
Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.
The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.
To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?
As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.
Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.
My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.
I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.
How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.
The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?
I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?
My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.
Oct 1, 2008
Freaking out behind the wheel
I had a first yesterday. Some of my early healing triggers were being the passenger in a car when a male was driving...especially if we were lost. Panic of finding the way back. If I drive myself, I have experienced a protector driver with me when I'm feeling triggered. I have sometimes been lost from making a wrong turn or getting off the wrong exit but always found my way back. Not to say I wasn't kind of freaked out during the period of being lost.
I experience highway hypnosis fairly frequently which is sometimes weird but not triggering. I had never zoned out for any substantial time knowingly before...until yesterday. I decided to take a back route I knew well to avoid a traffic jam. I remember being at a familiar intersection of a well-traveled road that looked "out in the country" because it was heavily treed. The next thing I knew I was passing something vaguely familiar but wondering if I needed to be turning. Possibly I zoned out again. When I saw the road I was on, I knew none of what was around me. I decided to turn around and the panic became palpable. Thank heavens for cell phones.
My SO knows my "I need a helicopter to airlift me outta here" panic and talked me through getting headed back to known territory. I was at least a five minute drive away from the mark but had been heading even further away after turning around. It seemed like forever until I got to where I should have turned. I had no recollection of turning onto the road which would have been a right hand turn about 1/2 mile from my last conscious memory. I didn't like it. I didn't like my panic. I didn't like being lost. This was my first "awake" fugue state.
Consciously I know I was taken places where I had no idea of the location. And consciously I knew I had driven to locations where I'd been hurt. I think I know what my next Forbidden Topic post will be.
Asleep at the Wheel is a singing group from at least 20 years ago. Such is how my brain jumps from thought to thought.
I experience highway hypnosis fairly frequently which is sometimes weird but not triggering. I had never zoned out for any substantial time knowingly before...until yesterday. I decided to take a back route I knew well to avoid a traffic jam. I remember being at a familiar intersection of a well-traveled road that looked "out in the country" because it was heavily treed. The next thing I knew I was passing something vaguely familiar but wondering if I needed to be turning. Possibly I zoned out again. When I saw the road I was on, I knew none of what was around me. I decided to turn around and the panic became palpable. Thank heavens for cell phones.
My SO knows my "I need a helicopter to airlift me outta here" panic and talked me through getting headed back to known territory. I was at least a five minute drive away from the mark but had been heading even further away after turning around. It seemed like forever until I got to where I should have turned. I had no recollection of turning onto the road which would have been a right hand turn about 1/2 mile from my last conscious memory. I didn't like it. I didn't like my panic. I didn't like being lost. This was my first "awake" fugue state.
Consciously I know I was taken places where I had no idea of the location. And consciously I knew I had driven to locations where I'd been hurt. I think I know what my next Forbidden Topic post will be.
Asleep at the Wheel is a singing group from at least 20 years ago. Such is how my brain jumps from thought to thought.
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