Oct 25, 2008

Preparing for Oct 31st

Any survivor of organized pedophilia or a pedophile who made holidays a day of abuse dreads Halloween, beginning with the store decorations a month or more earlier. Then come the lawn decorations. We use our coping skills. More are needed during early healing. I'm pretty much healed from dissociation but still have PTSD with a few very strong responses remaining.

Yesterday, I was the passenger (thank goodness) in a car following a car that had a partial arm and hand hanging out of the trunk. I didn't see it initially. When I did, I went into a screaming sort of panic attack. I was observant of the reaction and calmed myself down but hated having to follow that car for another five minutes. I was angry that people thought that was funny.

Early in healing, I couldn't deal with the lawn decorations and especially the night of trick or treating. Little kids in costumes. But it was terrifying. Trigger overload. I've lost many of those responses. Either I'm just subconsciously blanking out the decorated homes or not as many people are doing lawn skeletons or graveyards or dead people hanging off of roofs this year. I've been okay but still dread it.

I know I spoke of this before but it's very much on my mind right now and on the minds of survivors and victims everywhere. An innocent pumpkin even uncarved, sends a bit of a chill down my spine. Still. Something horrid happened on Halloween night that went into November 1st when I was very young. I think I had just turned two. It has stayed with me and my mind never let go of whatever happened. I think I know, but I will never have proof. Except that I have PTSD to Halloween after ten years of healing and even helping others to cope with their own Halloween PTSD.

I will cope. I have the skills. I shouldn't have to cope though. No child should ever have to cope with the level of trauma those with DID endure and endured.

1 comment:

Secret Shadows said...

This year I have been aware of exactly how difficult it must be for RA survivors. The October themed items and decorations are everywhere. It is unavoidable. You can't even go to the grocery store without having to face it.

I do not have these particular issues myself, but I do have empathy for those that do.
Secret Shadows