Pedophilia To Become "Normalized"?

This societal issue is sickening to me and to every other survivor of having been molested as a child. I have been watching a growing trend and stronger influence being forced by "pro-pedophile" members of the mental health community. Yes, that's right. Even mental health professionals (or persons in any category of life) can be pedophiles. They are now organizing to downgrade pedophilia from a crime to a mental disorder.

You can be certain any pro-child abuse movement has money and power behind it. Here is one link and you can research on your own for your personal edification.

Individuals don't have the power to fight such madness but organizations to protect children hopefully will pull together to stop this insanity. With the huge slavery trade that is now untouchable and highly infused within the international community and our governments, is this the next step? Is this part of an agenda to be society ruled by child-preying beings...monsters?

Please share your awareness of this matter with your known child protection organizations...and pray they can make a difference.

Psyops to Pedophilia

The most documented evidence of a military tie to pedophilia is the former Lt. Col. Michael Aquino, head of PsyOps of the U.S. Army. While still active in his role in the Army, he self-proclaimed himself a satanist and began his Temple of Set in California. Here is an excerpt similar to many I have seen in my research on Aquino:

Throughout much of the 1980s, Aquino was at the center of a controversy involving the Pentagon's acquiescence to outright Satanic practices inside the military services. Aquino was also a prime suspect in a series of pedophile scandals involving the sexual abuse of hundreds of children, including the children of military personnel serving at the Presidio U.S. Army station in the San Francisco Bay Area. Furthermore, even as Aquino was being investigated by Army Criminal Investigation Division officers for involvement in the pedophile cases, he was retaining highest-level security clearances, and was involved in pioneering work in military psychological operations ("psy-ops")."

However, the majority of the U.S. population REFUSES to acknowledge cult activity or satanic activity. I'd like to be perfectly clear with my personal statement to the world. CULT and SATANIC are code for pedophile rings.

More validation comes from the case in Nebraska involving Paul A. Bonacci v. Lawrence E. King, a civil action in which the plaintiff charged that he had been ritualistically abused by the defendant, as part of a nationwide pedophile ring linked to powerful political figures in Washington and to elements of the U.S. military and intelligence establishment. Mr. Bonacci won the case.

I provide information that you can validate on your own. If you know of any of the history of the Nazi party, you know that they were required to worship Satan, where the intentional dissociation of children ensured a world for pedophiles. In the Temple of Set, Aquino welcomed neo-Nazi groups and had ties to the Nazis.

Now, if all could take a giant step backwards and see a covert plan between the Nazis and the U.S. as affirmed by Operation Paperclip as well as U.S. financed experiments in the concentration camps, possibly you might see a greater picture of the plan to dissociate the children of our country beginning with the military and its connections.

Which government is running our country...controlling our country. I invite all who read this to at least open their minds and check on some of these facts on your own. Does it sound preposterous? Yes. Is it? No.

The organizations who have been active in trying to catch pedophile rings online and rescue the children, have been able to trace back a fair number of stories to the government. It is real. They see it. Just today an article connected prostituting children from DynCorp to the military.

This is the website I used to cite the Aquino connection and the Bonacci case, but you can find much more on other more notable websites and books on this topic:
http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/satanic_subversion.htm

Maybe I should start Project Open Mind. Consider if I'm right.This missing link is acknowledging the CULT and SATANIC that keep the pedophile rings perfectly safe at their most destructive level.

Mickey Mouse

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

While I've known Mickey Mouse went with programming, I also realized my Mickey Mouse "alter" always appeared next to something that was bad. That might explain my affinity for Mickey Mouse watches. I own three beautiful ones but haven't worn a watch in years. Time was definitely bad. I wasn't supposed to pay attention to time.

Collages from early healing show much of Fight Club. Several recent collages had the Fight Club theme as well. This morning I did a collage starting with images of a little girl I've been referring to as "gun girl". What I learned was "my" Fight Club was the Mickey Mouse Club and that programming went with self destruction, Deer Hunter style. Whew. Was relieved to see that the alter who seemed to be about to heal from Fight Club trauma was also completely healed from the Mickey Mouse programming.

Collaging has been ongoing more than two months. Production has increased lately. I know I'm "flooding". The collages are containing the flooding. Flooding is a term for when so much amnestic information comes up at once, it can stop functioning...it overwhelms the mind. The control mechanism is this: It feels as if there is a line in front of me, each awaiting their turn to collage. All are polite. The one "out front" takes as much time as needed to complete his or her collage. I am in the background and barely break from collage mode unless I have an external interruption.

Initially I thought it was natural outcome of the Jane and Ellie fusion. My deeper understanding is they never should have been able to fuse. Jane and all of her systems and Ellie and all of what were her systems are now free to heal all who have been "undone" but trapped inside. Jane only knew part of the programming and Ellie knew the rest. I have done several collages each from a different alter's perspective. It's fascinating, exhausting, enlightening, and frightening. Has anyone else healed to this point?

I understand the birth and life focus was to establish, "nurture", and maintain a strong male identity system. I am beginning to see some of the ways I was used that have come up before. Aside from exploitation for monetary reasons, it is believed in many cultures that reaching a level of higher consciousness is most valuable. The sick people who deliberately dissociate children with access to technology are well aware of this and want to tap into that plane of consciousness. A former Nazi scientist living in the U.S. post war (Montauk, NY), wrote extensively about Orgone Energy--the energy derived when the body reaches orgasm. Abusers had a "justification" for sexually abusing their young victims in addition to pedophilia. The more orgasms, the more "mind power" could be achieved by a child and eventually an adult. Wilhelm Reich. Most literature on the occult refers to such efforts to reach higher levels of consciousness. This goes along with MK-Ultra funding to seek hallucinogenic mushrooms and frogs. It was highly valued.

This has been going on for centuries--not just generations. My saving grace is my best friend whom I met at grad school. With no trauma in her life, she focused on developing her intuition and learned to tap into her inner wisdom. It's available to all of us. Trauma was never necessary to create that ability. Our government and the organized pedophilia groups with this knowledge want to be able to use it for purposes that benefit only them. The elite. I dearly hope the true elite of this country one day come tumbling down and allow reason and sanity and goodness to rule the world.

I embrace my own powers of healing energy and goodness and see that as a gift even though it was gained through trauma. I also believe the abusers in my life did so well in developing my higher gifts of power, they might be afraid of me. At least it's a comforting thought to me in my moments of paranoia. It's what I hang onto when I think the next collage is going to have the secret police hauling me to a not-yet-closed secret CIA prison.

FWIW, Peter Pan is safe now too.


Mickey Mouse Programming - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The "never again" lie

This morning I was watching The Today Show. One of the guests was a star of the movie Valkyrie about the Nazis who plotted to assassinate Hitler. The guest indicated he had not been aware of that piece of history. History tends to portray all Nazis under one banner. Yet some did see the country being ruled by an insane ruler leading the holocaust and "ethnic cleansing" with all in fear of speaking out or acting against him.

All I could think about was how the world of child predators is so similar. The motivation is the perversion of pedophilia as well as control. Secrecy is paramount. Anyone speaking out against the crimes is insane or made to fear for their life. I walk a fine line with my blogs. I need people to hear the reality and not think "conspiracy theory". The powerful people behind the great money earning industry of kiddie porn and child exploitation have much to lose if society truly starts to protect the children at their level. Reputations of some of the country's "finest citizens" would come tumbling down.

Where is the holocaust? Not in terms of death, but in terms of victims, all children born into that world are immediate prey. Foster homes, orphanages, daycare--anyplace where young children come into the world and are raised in a group environment are endangered when the people in charge belong to the underworld of organized pedophilia. If you can allow your mind to go one step further to the young girls trapped in this world who become dissociative by ages 6-9, who become pregnant in their teens, those babies are born directly into the underworld without birth records or hospital records. Unknown numbers.

We've all heard survivor stories of babies or young children being killed in ceremonies which immediately creates disbelief. And while any ceremonial killings can be made to appear as real, one of two things happens. If a child was killed to instill horrific trauma and splitting in a victim, no one misses the child. If the child was spared because it was an illusion to the victim, the underworld still has their "extra" and unaccounted for victims for production of porn and sale for exploitation.

Most survivors I've met online are about my age. We are in our 50s now. Some are in their late 20s and 30s. It shows that evil world lives on for decades while we (the nation) have not bothered to look for the current generation. I'm wanting to call these children with DID "the walking dead". Once they are in the grips of the organization, they are there for decades unless there is intervention. I often cite Tyler's story which has a happy ending thanks to his very aware safe bio-father and now adoptive mother, along with an excellent judge. One commenter of my blogs describes going to court with her children only knowing the double language and, with difficulty, did win custody of her children.

As a therapist, several times I was compelled to report to Children's Services only to have the child returned to the abusive family. Not that the families were involved in organized pedophilia--but the greater world isn't trained to look for symptoms of abuse to the extent that can cause dissociation. Recall that severe emotional abuse is sufficient to cause DID. In fact, well-funded pro-pedophilia groups ensure dissociation is automatically dismissed as a hoax or lie.

We do have a holocaust. Incestuous families with home births have unidentified births as well as the previously mentioned institutional settings. No one knows the number. We do know the hundreds of thousands of young children reported missing by the FBI each year who are never found. And the FBI denies the existence of cults which is how memories first surface for this group of victims.

Safe adults need to be especially aware of a child trying to tell you something odd about another adult; i.e., appearing fearful while reporting his/her hair was washed, or was read a story, or was placed in time out. Several of my adult clients had dissociated memories from a regular babysitter! Do what it takes to ensure your child is in safe hands.

We have an oblivious holocaust. The children with DID who become adults with DID and don't remember for decades along with all the newborns and at all stages in between (prior to memory) are part of this oblivious holocaust. Oblivious to the children because of the amnesia and oblivious to society because it's not a comfortable area to be looking for children and government currently refuses to look for it. Government, law enforcement, the judicial system, child care services and other helping agencies are intentionally oblivious to the world of DID and "cult" abuse to protect what has been in place for generations. Not all in every agency are part of this world, but sufficient numbers exist for anyone getting near their "stuff" to be staved off quite effectively.

I have much support from peers and survivors for educating through my blog. As one person, the powerful people behind the child exploitation world are likely seeing me as "only one person". Yet a huge community stands behind me ready to come forward if it were ever made safe to do so. I've lived in fear subconsciously for four decades. I made the choice to live in spite of death threats for my conscious life. I don't care anymore. I want my life to have made a difference for the lost souls of the children right now enduring what will become a lifetime of horrendous abuse. No one deserves the life that we who survived had to endure. A single dissociated memory is hell to heal. It's impossible for those who have not endured trauma on trauma on trauma to possibly understand what undoing that does to one's spirit.

I feel fortunate to have a life at this point. I no longer fear parts of myself trying to kill me. "They" will have to get their hands dirty to come after me now that I've integrated and survived three phases to get to "100%". It will have been worth it if someone could take this cause and "run with it". I would dearly love to be a part of education and implementation of any program to make headway into this crime. And I have colleagues who are experts in DID as well as understanding of this organized world of child exploitation who, understandably, are not willing to place their careers on the line until safety is assured. Resources exist but are not wanted.

I remain hopeful that change will come with the Obama Administration. That's what keeps me going right now. No one believes because there is no "proof". We survivors are proof. Isn't that enough?

Preparing for Oct 31st

Any survivor of organized pedophilia or a pedophile who made holidays a day of abuse dreads Halloween, beginning with the store decorations a month or more earlier. Then come the lawn decorations. We use our coping skills. More are needed during early healing. I'm pretty much healed from dissociation but still have PTSD with a few very strong responses remaining.

Yesterday, I was the passenger (thank goodness) in a car following a car that had a partial arm and hand hanging out of the trunk. I didn't see it initially. When I did, I went into a screaming sort of panic attack. I was observant of the reaction and calmed myself down but hated having to follow that car for another five minutes. I was angry that people thought that was funny.

Early in healing, I couldn't deal with the lawn decorations and especially the night of trick or treating. Little kids in costumes. But it was terrifying. Trigger overload. I've lost many of those responses. Either I'm just subconsciously blanking out the decorated homes or not as many people are doing lawn skeletons or graveyards or dead people hanging off of roofs this year. I've been okay but still dread it.

I know I spoke of this before but it's very much on my mind right now and on the minds of survivors and victims everywhere. An innocent pumpkin even uncarved, sends a bit of a chill down my spine. Still. Something horrid happened on Halloween night that went into November 1st when I was very young. I think I had just turned two. It has stayed with me and my mind never let go of whatever happened. I think I know, but I will never have proof. Except that I have PTSD to Halloween after ten years of healing and even helping others to cope with their own Halloween PTSD.

I will cope. I have the skills. I shouldn't have to cope though. No child should ever have to cope with the level of trauma those with DID endure and endured.

Validation is a b*tch

During the first three months of 2007, several members of the psychological community and/or survivors opened an extensive online questionnaire for survivors of extreme abuse. Over 1,400 survivors from 31 countries participated. Word of the survey was spread through the internet and therapists with clients who were survivors. It was a "spread the word" campaign. Survivors who knew survivors who knew support groups of survivors.

The term "extreme abuse" encompasses all that I have been addressing plus elements I won't specifically address here, but am providing the link if you wish more details. It also is one explanation of why there was a "surge" of adults with a diagnosis of DID in the 80s and 90s.

My motivation for finding the results was to support my presentation here that the common denominator for extreme abuse is organized pedophilia. The following was copied from the Extreme Abuse Survey results:

Listed below are the five most frequently reported “yes” responses for the memories, possible aftereffects, and personal experiences sections [of the survey].

Memories

• Receiving physical abuse from perpetrators
• Sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators
• Being threatened with death if I ever talked about the abuse
• Witnessing physical abuse by perpetrators on other victims

Possible Aftereffects

• Sleep problems
• Painful body memories
• Posttraumatic stress disorder
• Unusual fears
• Beliefs indoctrinated by perpetrator(s)

The five most frequently reported healing methods that were checked either “much help” or “great help” are:

• Individual Psychotherapy/Counseling
• Supportive Friends
• Creative Writing
• Personal Prayer/Meditation
• Journaling

As you can see, the most common elements of memories match what survivors of organized pedophilia most recall with the same aftereffects. Do you see the most helpful healing methods? That's all that is needed. It's a longer therapy process than most but it is psychotherapy. Yet, survivors are denied or greatly limited in their choices of finding a therapist trained and/or willing to work with clients with DID. There is no special ingredient to healing. No exorcism. Hospitalization may be needed but is not necessarily a component of healing.

It is known there are far more than 1,471 survivors worldwide. Many survivors do not have access to a computer and wouldn't have known of the survey. In many cases, if a survivor had heard of the survey, they wouldn't have been able to participate due to lack of computer knowledge. And there is the unknown number who have yet to begin to remember or "suicided" (committed suicide due to internal messages to self destruct).

Abuse at the hands of multiple pedophiles is more widespread. Considering 20 million Americans are believed to be victims of parental incest, one can only imagine what percentage adapted with DID. Even using the common statistic often refuted in the community of therapists who treat DID of 1 in 100 (of the entire population), that is a staggering statistic. Then translate that to worldwide.

DID is not rare. It is also not common. It just is. It is a response to repeated traumatic abuse in childhood. Incest victims meet that definition but not all incest begins prior to age 6. DID is not a choice. After a lifetime of unknown secrets, survivors must learn to remain mostly secretive to survive with a semi-normal life in society because of the skewed perception of DID. And that sucks even more than validation.

A special thanks to the brave souls who spent untold hours working on developing the survey and implementing it in a manner to be accepted into psychological publications for the world to know. If readers of this blog choose to visit the Extreme Abuse Survey results, be forewarned. Survivors were subjected to what is categorized as torture while young children. It's intense.

In the thick of it

I won't ever have a way of knowing unless I'm led to an answer. But it's possible my one client's perps (who follow me because of my having advocated for her in the past), were part of my own abuse "network". It's only been 11 years I've been fully conscious in my life. I already know that my other actively abused client had a perp in her life who had been my role model neighbor when I was in high school. Katie is the 4-year-old alter of a former adult client. The gang of pedophiles to which she is connected against her will is headed by a man about 10 years younger than me. He would have been a 30-year-old pedophile when I was a 40-year-old dissociated victim.

I've lived in this area since high school. When my parents moved away, I know now my neighbor knew how to keep me in the fold. I was going on 30 then. When I "woke up", I was working full time, quite effectively and with much conscious praise, for a managed health care company. I had to take leave because of the conscious trauma of the first memories and having to learn how to return to work and somehow be okay. During that short-term leave, I began to do collages. One of my collages along with some internal narrative showed me a vice president of my company, an alter, something to do with foreign stocks, and the word SPIN.

The collage with all the symbols meant nothing to me. I could see things like NOK and "trading at the sound of the bell" and dollar signs. When I looked up NOK, I saw it was the symbol for Norwegian currency. The alter is on the phone and financial symbols are surrounding her. Someone has a finger over their lips. "Don't tell." I had not yet fully learned to understand how I received messages. Even though the collage told me a particular person at work was using the word "spin" with some phrase by telephone to cause me to make phone calls to what? Make stock or currency trades? For whom? Why?...It seemed too surreal to me.

I returned to work after leave. I interacted with this company officer by phone and in person to collaborate on a weekly project. One day, shortly after my return, he came to my desk, pulled up a chair, and we reviewed the project. No problem. Soon after he left, my phone rang. It was him. He wanted a change made but trusted me to write what he wanted to convey. As I was about to hang up, he said, "I trust you to put your spin on it." I stayed conscious, kinda laughed, hung up, and nearly passed out I got so dizzy. I had another picture of the adult female alter hanging upside down with the words "In spin we trust" under her. I trust you to put your spin... My collage and internal message were right on. I learned to trust internal messages very quickly after that.

The first company I worked for out of high school was for the same company where my neighbor worked. WTF? And look at the irony of my last job before having to give up life as I knew it for healing. Survivors scream for help healing while health care refuses to recognize the diagnosis of DID as requiring intensive therapy. And there I was at a managed care company being used in a dissociative state! That's as much as I know definitely about my former dissociated adult life. Exploitation for activities out of conscious awareness.

So I remained living in an area apparently entrenched in this crap for the past 40 years. I live among people who have seen me doing things I don't remember doing...kiddie porn is all I remember from childhood. But what if there are things out there now with me as an adult? I can't deal with that madness. I'm so upset just writing that thought. Both my father and the one survivor's parents worked in the same place. Their paths crossed in the 1970s but it could have been for at least 10 years. Does that mean we only lived places in my life where this stuff was going on? Pedophile community to pedophile community? Do they all know each other? Refer to each other if moving to a new area?

I had confirmation during very early healing that all levels of organized pedophilia interact. I would imagine all pedophile communities surrounding a hub city are aware of each other. Possibly each specializes in some aspect of exploitation. This is what law enforcement needs to figure out. It's huge. It's scary. I walk among my perpetrators. My life has never been my own. Even as healed as I am, they make sure I know they are there. The only way I can do it is to say f*ck them and walk out the door. Some days that's difficult to do. Some days that's impossible to do. Some days I really can say WTF and go about my day. Life shouldn't have to be this difficult. I am only one survivor. I suspect the numbers of victims (children and adults) is in the hundreds of thousands rather than thousands who don't know they are even being used. It's sickening.

Had I known early in my healing I was still in the thick of it, I doubt I could have handled it. I don't know how Katie and the adult of my former client's body handle that knowledge. I had originally thought all of my abuse happened when I was out of town (or taken away from home when younger). I couldn't imagine or even suspected it was local. My mind didn't allow me to go there. It was not until I was in grad school that those memories surfaced. At that point they were answers that made perfect sense. Also it was horrific processing that had been the case and it was outside my door. But I was strong enough to know it and choose to remain here where the rest of my life is. I don't think it matters if I'm here or I move. Someone's eyes from that world will be watching.

Once born into that world, the victim is theirs. Infancy until thirties or forties with some outliers. And add about ten years for strong healing. If we're lucky, we get a mostly conscious and peaceful retirement. It's so surreal to say; I'm sure it's surreal to hear. Even when not connected to a group, a child's future is sealed pretty much for the first three quarters of her life if DID is created from overwhelming abuse. This cannot ever be okay.

No one to call for help

In real life, at this very moment, the child alter "Katie" of adult victim/survivor "Christina" could be in the hands of the pedophile group that has haunted her life at least since toddlerhood. Denial by the nation allows her life to be in jeopardy every moment of every day. The police have given permission for her abusers to access her as often as they want because she is too terrified of the police to call them and I can no longer call the police for her, not to mention they scoff at her "problems". I'm distanced from her life and don't know the details of her daily struggles. I just know it continues.

Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.

The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.

To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?

As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.

Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.

My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.

I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.

How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.

The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?

I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?

My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.

Thy will be done

In 1994, I watched Stephen King's The Stand, a television mini-series. It was the first time in my life (I was 42 at the time) that I understood the phrase "Thy will be done". I said it as part of a prayer but thought it was an incomplete phrase. What will be done? I didn't get it. It was an OMG moment when I realized it referred to MY WILL--my choices, my decisions, my will. My memories didn't surface until several years later so it had no greater meaning at the time. In reflection, I could see I was clueless about what my will was. It was a document for after I died. Obviously, having no concept of personal choice was a huge message I held subconsciously.

"Will" went with sheep to me in my artwork. After many images I realized I was the lamb following the will of someone else. In my internal system, Will was a person who was very tortured. In fact, many concepts of human identity were made to be literal. People often laughed at my responses to statements because of my genuine confusion. Soul went with a shoe and was walked all over. Heart was something that they took out if you told. Commitment is what happened if you told (committed to an asylum). Needless to say I was pretty effed up subconsciously. Metaphor was literal and concept was made reality.

In the later years of my healing before I fully understood the message of concepts as being made into something concrete to cause confusion, I surrounded myself with Philosophy products. If you aren't familiar with that line of beauty products, just search them on the internet or go to Philosophy.com. I had products called Hope in a Jar, When Hope is Not Enough, Grace (a perfume), Eye Believe, and Soul Owner. Philosophy products have wonderful inspirational writings on them. It was a neat discovery to my healing. I was subconsciously changing my internal messages by surrounding myself with concrete examples of my humanity.

What I know for certain about the religious aspect of the abuse is my still ongoing confusion between the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene. My best friend is Catholic and helped me through what I knew versus the Catholic teaching. I was consciously raised another religion. I did things that were Catholic but backwards or skewed. I don't know why that backwardness is so set into my mind to this day. When The DaVinci Code came out, I was, "See! It IS Mary Magdalene!"

As part of my healing, I embraced concepts of Native American Indians with some Buddha and Zen. I created my own rituals. One day I took my newly purchased white sage and decided to smudge the house. I had a special bowl to burn the sage. I walked through the house circling my hand around and over the smoke to waft it over me and over special areas of the home. That was fine except a young child part of me joined with me and began to say, "Hail Mary full of Grace". Grace was a person, not the lovely meaning it has now. I called my friend and told her what I was doing. She said her mother used to bless her house each year by burning frankincense and myrhh while reciting the "hail Mary". How did I know that? It was a lovely memory for my friend. Undoing religious confusion remains ongoing.

Grace is a name I took on as my own in the final stages of healing as I prepared for graduation with my counseling degree. I wanted my newly chosen name of healing on my diploma. I took ownership of my Grace...and my soul and my hope and my will. My will be done. My choices now. I choose to fight this battle against the world of evil. In doing so, I believe Thy will be done.

A dilemma of the underworld variety

I’m not able to convey Katie’s story at this time but I can relay my story. What happened…is still happening…to Katie is an example of how insidious organized pedophilia is and how unbelievable it sounds. It is because of Katie that I have the full picture of the vastness, invisibility, and community denial of the existence of sophisticated pedophiles. They are like wolves and travel in packs. Rarely had Katie recalled only one perp. My other client had her evil “posse” harassing her in the outside world and the same group of people entering her home to hurt her who were part of the group in the robes. She knew they were all the same people. Katie has the intensity and frequency of abuse without the masked charade.

I don’t understand the frequency. It’s relentless. All survivors I have known of intentional DID have memories that make us all question how it happened. In trying to advocate for Katie with police and another organization to help women, my explaining that Katie was being “hurt” in her home and other locations was dismissed as her lying to me for attention. No one took my reports seriously. Don't you think, as a therapist, I would have some sense if someone was lying to me? The belief that DID can be faked is so far fetched. When you see it on television, remember the actors are acting. They know what to say and do and there are retakes if they get it wrong--to make the audience believe DID is an "easy deception". Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I recall in my healing having a moment when I thought it would have been impossible to have been abused as much as I was recalling. My own unbelievability factor surfaced many times. Of course survivors question what comes up too. It's why those who don't want the world to figure out try at all costs to prevent survivors from speaking to each other...much the same way siblings are manipulated to not get along in an incestuous environment. What is known is that organized pedophiles do everything to extreme to maintain their unbelievability quotient. Since I had two survivors with such similar circumstances but different groups (communities not far from each other), each telling me a frequency of abuse of at least several times a week, it was more of a validation of what I knew from my own memories and those of every other survivor born into a family of see, hear, speak no evil.

My own family has no recollection when I was gone for weeks at a time as proven in school records. The perp message is “remember to forget”. I still don’t notice if someone or something is missing. I don’t see who or what is not there. I literally forget my friends if I don’t see an email from them every few days. I’ll eventually remember. I call it “falling off my radar”.

Pedophiles have perfect set ups, especially if there are small (or not so small) groups of families known to be part of the underground where a victim “chooses” to live. It’s the only explanation for no one reporting the constant barrage to home and body. There are other options available to pedophiles though, particularly when the former child has a driver's license and access to a car. To be continued.

Unbelievable resources

I don't remember my own followers or enforcers or whatever the bad guys are called who hang around your life once leaving childhood and/or the home of a parent pedophile. I know it happens. I just didn't know to what degree. As a therapist, I witnessed several people constantly harass, frighten, and trigger my first client who knew she was tied to organized pedophiles who hid behind the devil worship scenario. She told me often that she had seen certain people follow her and/or be visible as a threat when she arrived at my office. I began to walk out with her following her appointment and the people she had described were indeed there.
I became familiar with several vehicles, drivers, bicycle man, and one or two who happened to always be strolling right past the steps to the practice at the time the door opened for her to exit. It was alarming how their timing always coincided even when her appointment time or date changed. In trying to report the stalking tactic to local police, I was told, unless someone actually hurt her, nothing could be done. Of course, reporting "cult" activity was useless. It was known among therapists in the area that certain towns and communities were known for supporting (or not deterring) such activities, police included. It only takes one police officer in a small community department to make it miserable for those trying to report.

Because I had tried to gain more protection for her, and because I was helping her undo some of the messages keeping her stuck from healing, I became a target. I guess the theory is that hopefully either the therapist or victim/survivor will be too frightened to continue. Bike man would dart out into traffic from between cars where he couldn't possibly see me at precisely the moment my car was next. That can only happen if a second person is involved and knows exactly where I am and informs bike man. It didn't matter how late I worked, that bike whizzed right past me as I came down the steps outside. Who was watching my office for the light to go out? And where were they watching from?

I went to a law enforcement gear store and purchased mace. The store was staffed by off duty police officers. One showed me the correct way to use the mace and helped me understand my rights. I could only use the mace if I felt threatened. As much as I wanted to spray bikeman as he passed by, that wasn't allowed. I had pictures of several of the victim's perps and automobiles. That continued until last year when I had to stop work for medical reasons.

A year after beginning work with the first actively abused client, I began to work with a second woman newly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and referred to me. At the time we began our work, neither of us knew she was still actively being assaulted by a group of "older boys" and a few "men" who seemed to lead the group. I again witnessed the car described by a child alter following her as well as other vehicles over the course of our work. My name was used to threaten the child part--they would kill me if she kept on seeing me. I became aware of her perps following me and cutting me off on several occasions--not as predictably as my other client. When activity heated up, I carried a camera in my car. I have photos of the red Silverado 4x4 that harassed me on my way to spontaneously run an errand (coincidentally when my SO was out of town for the weekend).

My thinking was that I could have been wrong about the red truck. Maybe it was just an idiot driver. I would know on my return trip because "they" would get back on my trail at about the place they got off my trail. Having had that experience, I was afraid to stop and get gas even though I was completely on empty. My camera was ready. I passed the shopping mall parking lot where the man in the red hat turned off. He pulled out in front of me at the first major intersection after the mall. He stayed ahead of me until I was turning down my street from the last major road. He turned the other way. I clearly saw the same person both times. And I had gotten photos of the truck and license plates.

When I looked at the photos, my program was able to view the license plates clearly. Knowing they used stolen/lost license plates, I wanted to have the picture for both directions. I was surprised (and not surprised) to see it was two different red Silverado 4x4s. One was an older version. If the day ever comes where someone is interested in catching these thugs, I would bet both license plates lead nowhere. The change of vehicle means at least one other person was involved. And who knew I was leaving my home where I live in a garaged townhome? Who knew my SO was away?

Two different survivors of abuse from different groups of pedophiles. Each had at least four identifiable perps on a regular basis harassing or stalking them or me. It is not okay to heal. It is unfathomable to realize the "manpower" is so great that there might be multiple (no pun intended) perps assigned to one healing survivor to keep her from seeking help. That is astronomical resources if that is "typical".

It became known over the course of my work with one person that known perps lived nearby. For one it was in the same apartment complex. She was able to recognize certain perps as the same ones in the horror ceremonies. My other client actually moved from one home where she had been abused in a dissociative state for more than ten years. Within several weeks of moving to her new apartment, they were inside that dwelling with no neighbors reporting anything suspicious. How can this happen? Are there pedophile communities where victims think they are consciously choosing to live?

Initially I believed all of my abuse happened either at the hands of my father growing up to the time I broke free when I was in my late teens. Consciously I just knew I hated him and wanted to get away. He used numerous tactics that caused me to remain in the same home. It sickens me to think of the guilt I endured believing it would "kill my mother" if I moved out on my own. In any event, it was later in my healing that I began to recall abuse since moving to the area where I still live. My parents moved far away thirty years ago. The first person to come up as a perp in my local life (and adult life) was a much loved next door neighbor from my high school years. His family and our family were close friends even after we moved into another neighborhood. I stayed in touch after my parents moved away. Eventually I severed ties with anyone from my past realizing I just had no way of knowing who was a good guy or a bad guy.

During a session with one of the currently-abused individuals, she blurted out the name of my former neighbor as one of her abusers. Talk about a conflict of interest. She transitioned to working with another therapist. That validation was so stunning and unexpected. I babysat for that family. I was in his home so many times. He referred me to the company and provided a reference for my first employment out of high school--the company where he worked. Doesn't that just bring up all kinds of other questions?

This is a small area compared to many cities in the U.S. Survivors are in every community. The more absurd it sounds, remember that's the way it was meant to sound. If I'm sounding beyond belief, gotcha.

FBI needs to open its eyes

I recall (consciously) about 10 years ago reading that the FBI had data on child deaths, missing reports, and abuse reports from all or many police departments. No column was allocated for reports of cult abuse. No one was tracking. If they had, they would have realized it was a national issue. Maybe they knew it would be too high and they'd have to dedicate resources to it which they didn't have. Who knows.

When writing yesterday's Forbidden Topic post, which IS the big jaw dropping, OMG picture of where organized pedophiles conduct the majority of their crimes, I went to see what the FBI's stance now, a decade later. The FBI website has a page dedicated to Crimes Against Children. Cults are not mentioned. Other information was found documenting the FBI's position that there is no evidence to support the existence of "satanic cults". One report purportedly from the FBI on another website did outline strategies for dealing with the new religious movements (i.e. Heaven's Gate, Waco). That means, organized pedophile is not activity being monitored nationally.

If that's the national perspective, how the heck is law enforcement going to effectively penetrate the crime of organized pedophilia? It raises a question about government culpability. Maybe Michael Moore will take this on as his next project.

According to the FBI's statistics, in 2007 there were 643,744 persons missing under age 18. Total missing persons in 1990 was 1.4 million while in 2007 the number had jumped to
2.2 million (not classified by age groups).

So here it is in a nutshell...
Organized pedophilia hides behind the guise of cults (demonic or otherwise).

The FBI does not acknowledge the existence of such cults.

No matter how much money is thrown at law enforcement to dedicate to go after pedophiles, they won't be getting to the strategic hubs where the children are being systematically abused IN GROUPS because they don't exist to our government.

Is somebody out there outraged at this as much as me? Someone whose voice will make a difference? How about all caring parents coming together to demand the nation wake up to this problem? Children are being hurt in unimaginable ways because our views have been shaped by those doing the abuse at all levels of society including government. Pedophiles aren't a small segment of society. They have woven their webs into every fabric of society. More is needed than getting rid of the internet pedophiles. The internet is used for trading what is produced in volume by the organizations pretending to be something no one believes.

You are encouraged to do your own research on the FBI and views on cult abuse (labeled ritual abuse). The FBI denial goes back to the 90s when Kenneth Lanning, an FBI agent, was the child abuse "expert". He apparently wrote his opinion informing law enforcement cult abuse was a myth. If you look at the stripped down reality of one survivor's memory of horror in yesterday's Forbidden Topic post, you can see why the cults are invisible. It's "just people".

No one is going to find the demons unless they know where the pedophiles in costumes gather for their no-one-word-is-evil-enough-to-describe activities. If you watched Oprah's show on Monday, you saw how invisible the next door neighbor and good family friend was entrusted with others' children without hesitation. That's how invisible the organized pedophiles are--unless you listen to the survivors.

Also consider that adult survivors remembering abuse are remembering from several decades ago. Possibly "their" perps are no longer on this earth, but this is one skill guaranteed to be multi-generational. Going to look where a "group meeting" had been held 20-40 years after the fact produces nothing. Interviewing survivors of the area, it is likely several locations will be identified. Law enforcement has to come down on these groups where they met AS they meet. The most current information would be an older child in therapy who is getting the correct help and is SAFE.

Since a child being abused by organized pedophiles is likely to have a parent who is one of the pedophiles, that safety factor is extremely rare. Maybe one day a pedophile at the top of the heap will talk. But that will only identify a local or possibly several group hubs. It won't touch the number of groups in this country.

Where is the John Walsh for this cause?

Major depression to the nth degree

*Trigger warning*
While it goes without saying, I'm going to say it anyway. Children of abuse are very sad children. Survivors, when asked when they first remember being depressed, will generally recall a specific time during or before high school when they first thought of wanting to die. My personal message since high school was "I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up." Passive suicidal thoughts.

Children of abuse at the hands of sophisticated and/or organized pedophiles have a very confusing world. Consciously they know holidays and birthdays are supposed to be times of fun and joy. Subconsciously such dates have horrendous meaning to include intentional messages of death, "forced suicide", worthlessness, and inability to be loved...somehow through their own fault. A child with DID lives in a world of constantly conflicting extremes.

"Forced suicide" is when a dissociated self is trained in a specific way to commit suicide. There's a most devious strategy for this. If something goes awry and the child begins to remember prematurely or any other undesired result, perps can cue an "age appropriate" suicide. Let me explain. Much to my horror, I found a very young little (maybe 3 years old) who was supposed to drink a bottle of bleach if told to do so. Another older self believed bleach was some magic elixir of the gods. Throughout my healing I uncovered and fortunately healed an untold number of parts who outlived the method of age-appropriate suicide. I had always hated to do laundry. When I was married, I avoided the laundry room in my home (or anywhere else) at all costs. After discovering the terrified little and her bleach message, that fear made perfect sense to me. The bleach was in the laundry room. When she healed, I could do laundry again. I still avoid actually using the bleach though. Thank goodness for that bleach for colors. It's blue :-)

I think I strayed from the point. Organized perps don't have to get their hands dirty if someone needs to be eliminated. They rely on the suicide alters to do their job. Processing so many selves recalling an urge to suicide by different methods is exhausting. I hate to say it becomes "same old, same old" by the time you get through a certain number of healings of such sad and frightened parts, but it sort of does. Some adult selves had very strong urges to self-destruct which was tricky to say the least...not to mention terrifying to me that they might actually take over my consciousness and that's the last I'd ever know. Obviously that didn't happen, but it is a concern during the process.

Of course there are huge messages to self destruct when memories surface and some new suicide messages are tied to specific memories as the healing continues. It makes me wonder how many *suicides* were dissociated selves successful in carrying out the mission of the perps. That became a helpful message. Parts trained to suicide were generally extremely relieved to hear they no longer needed to hold onto that job.

"Major Depressive Disorder" is one of the diagnoses that goes with anyone who has DID. IMO there needs to be a higher degree than "Major" for the level survivors of organized pedophilia endure. While healing the sad insiders, depression becomes more tolerable. But even after achieving a level of high functioning to move on with one's life, trauma continues to process in the background impacting conscious mood. I was able to live without antidepressants into my early 50s--mostly because I couldn't tolerate any of the antidepressants available. For an unknown conscious reason, my depression shifted into high gear a year into my working as a therapist. Thank heavens for Cymbalta.

Blooming Lotus has a post today about "holidays" when perps held their gatherings each year. It reminded me how my mood fell drastically yesterday. It's a few days before the first day of Autumn. That means an equinox. Full moons. Birthdays. Halloween. All the dates on the scary calendar that organized pedophiles use for their frequent group gatherings. Yes, the calendar looks horrific and unbelievable. Clue...clue...clue. I hate Halloween. I'm okay now seeing the lit pumpkins and kids in costumes and almost okay seeing the aisle of masks and spooky stuff in stores. But nothing helps whatever is going on in my subconscious remembering the horror...the excuse called Halloween for monstrous harm to young children.

Isn't it wonderful strolling down memory lane as a survivor???! The good news is, as survivors come out of that land of woundedness, there is an evolution into a life of new memories and making new traditions and safe holidays. And realizing that sad is not the "default" mood one should feel.

Crusader Rabbit on the warpath

Since watching Oprah yesterday, I was up several times with what seemed to be a continuous nightmare, recalling slumber parties when I was a teen at the home of my best friend. My memories tell me she was also victim. Her father and my father were friends. Our families were friends. Did more happen at those slumber parties? I don't know. But it sure kept coming up in my very unsettling dreams. Family members wandered through all nightmares. Just their presence in creates anxiety.

I woke up angry this morning. I mean fighting mad. Yesterday I made the effort to support legislation for more resources to go after pedophiles. How can we go after pedophiles with a vengeance while leaving the survivors of their despicable abuse in the dust? The injustice is palpable in my body. I'm turning into Crusader Rabbit as I type.

Here is our list of demands:

• We need health insurance coverage for long-term therapy.
• We need psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists to have incentives to treat survivors of long-term childhood trauma instead of withdrawing in fear of FMSF lawsuits.
• We need the country to return to having sufficient facilities to treat adult survivors whose needs are beyond that of the outpatient therapist level, i.e. Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore, MD.
• We need law enforcement and hospitals and social services and other helping agencies of the community to be educated with correct knowledge about DID so they can work respectfully and willingly with survivors.

Who is more qualified to help the newly funded law enforcement understand the entirety of the pedophile mindset than adult survivors who have healed to the point where the helping is empowering and life transforming? We are a vast resource of information but no one has bothered to ask and offers of sharing have been rebuffed...nationally.

We're here. We're healing. We're asking for national resources to heal from the devastation of abuse by pedophiles as much as we are offering our knowledge. And most of all, we want not to be kept in a closet. We survived ugly ugly abuse. I'm sorry if the world prefers not to know of such things. But we live in this world too. We are the adult survivors of organized pedophilia.

The big D

This blog is my safe place, more or less, to discuss and process what's on my mind after writing posts so entrenched in the pedophile mindset. Mostly I feel angry after posting about how children are spun around to cause disorientation. Why is that even questioned? We all know that anything to extreme is not good. When we play with children, they often enjoy being spun in circles. Think pedophile. Start off being a nice guy playing a game with the child. And then take it to the extreme. That's pretty much the basis of the mindset of inducing a dissociative state. And remember that they WANT the dissociative state so the child won't remember the evil perpetrated on him or her.

It's a sad reality that boys typically respond differently growing up with abuse, consciously or subconsciously, known or unknown. I've had the privilege of working with several men who weren't in the majority. Possibly it also depends on the sex of the abuser. If the main abuser was mom (and moms can be part of organized pedophilia too), it may provoke a different behavior response than an adult male in that child's life. I'm sure statistics are available but, at the moment, I'm not in research mode. Boys born or drafted into a world of abuse are usually taught how to be pedophiles. Girls are typically taught to submit to any pressure for sexual activity. Children tell by acting out. No child is born knowing how to sexually abuse another child.

There's an aspect of growing up dissociative I did not realize was so prevalent until I was a therapist working with survivors. Pedophiles can tell if a child is dissociative. I don't know how. Maybe we have an invisible D on our foreheads. It's rarely just a parent or single caretaker who was the abuser. It's a father and an uncle; or an uncle and the man down the street; or several brothers, a father and an uncle. Children who were a part of organized pedophilia seem to remember "parties" and auctions (children sold to the highest bidder for whatever perverted inclination the "buyer" has). I posted the link to a court case below. The pedophile charged confessed to placing an internet ad to trade a toddler for an older child.

Just imagine what it does to an adult survivor's sense of worth when memories of having been abused by many comes up...or being sold or traded. Such survivors have usually been in many unsuccessful relationships, have been predominantly promiscuous or anti-sex (or both when dissociative states are created), and they have no understanding of why they can't find the right person until they realize their subconscious world holds terror of men and so much horrific treatment.

I sure hope my blogs are getting people to talk about this. It has to come out of the closet and be examined. It's worth it even if I do have mild panic attacks after each post.