Healing & Antidepressants

Polyvore by grace2244

As we depressed people heal, the need for medications like antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety may become unnecessary or may be reduced. This article is about Pfizer's Pristiq and the issues that have arisen with my weaning off of it.

First of all, I write of my healing since my last post here.  At that time I had dropped from a dosage of 100 mg to 50 mg to 25 mg and then to 25 mg every other day when I ran into a problem. That led me to extensive research about this drug. I do want to note I definitely needed this level of antidepressant in mid-2011. I had no side effects whatsoever, unbelievably, going off Cymbalta to Pristiq. I had been at maximum Cymbalta dose and was suicidal. The Pristiq fully kicked in about a month later and kept me stable.

No one looks up weaning off of a drug when placed on it. Also I had no choice and was just grateful there was something similar to Cymbalta, which had been the first antidepressant in my life I could tolerate. It was released in 2003 and I started it in 2005 at the lowest dose and remained there till after my nearly 10 surgeries in 18 months between 2007 and 2008. Cymbalta has it's own withdrawal issues which I didn't experience. Also Cymbalta's lowest dose is 30 mg and highest dose is 180 mg.

Pristiq has two dosages: 100 mg and 50 mg. Pfizer officials have no safe weaning plan from their drug. They don't recommend cutting the 50s in half, though that's what many do. While some suggest alternating the 25 mg every other day (or the 50 every other day without cutting it in half), studies for the main ingredient indicate taking it every other day makes the brain go a bit bonkers. It needs a daily dose. So if you want to wean from Pristiq, you will need to cut the pills (at your own risk) although it is what my psychiatrist recommended.

Cutting the pills in half is not an exact split. Pill cutters aren't accurate. Also, Pristiq crumbles easily. Fortunately I have a math minded husband and we have a digital scale that weighs milligrams. While some have made their Pristiq into a liquid solution, it is not recommended. It's considered insoluble. I did find the suggestion to crush the pills either with pestle and mortar or smooshing with the back of a spoon to work.

I emptied some herbal capsules so they could be filled with a measured 25 mg. (I did back up to going on 25 mg daily after having difficulty with the switch to every other day.) I will be taking the 25 mg measured dose capsules for a week. Then I will try 1/2 that amount. Possibly, with my sensitivity, I may need to go between the 25 mg and the 12.5 mg and may also need yet a lower dose before my brain lets me not get insanely dizzy without it. Crushing the meds allows for the varied dosages.

I'm not understanding, except from the financial perspective, why Pfizer made this drug without a withdrawal plan. Suggestions are on several forums to contact Pfizer directly to complain about lack of lower doses for this purpose.

From my own experience and reading numerous other perspectives, trying to go cold turkey with Pristiq may cause horrendous side effects. When I dropped from 100s to 50s I felt no ill effects for three days so thought I'd just try to stop. Three days after that my head started spinning so badly I couldn't see or walk straight and had nausea. This backlash happened a second time. After being on the 25 mg for a week, I stopped. My psychiatrist said I should be fine then. Three days after stopping I was hit with incapacitating dizziness again and slight nausea although not the strong cyclone earlier on. Others have experienced more side effects. Several forums exist online if you just google "Pristiq withdrawal". The Mayo Clinic has a discussion forum and there is one called Surviving Antidepressants.

As an aside, some compounding pharmacies will make the lower dose capsules for you. My pharmacy said they only made a liquid solution and that would have cost nearly $200 for a month's supply. Smooshing and measuring and clear pill capsules is the least expensive. Even if you need a digital scale, you can purchase one for about $55. Instructions for how to do this were found through the Surviving Antidepressants website.

My psychiatrist has been apprised of my choices. It's always good to wean from a medication under a doctor's supervision. I've been fortunate to have a psychiatrist who works with me. If that's not the case for you, perhaps a new psychiatrist is in order.

Today I woke up several hours earlier than usual feeling awake. Overnight...but it has been about two weeks on the 25 mg instead of the 100 mg. I'm also beginning to be able to cry again...appropriately...like to sappy movies. I'm hopeful to successfully wean off Pristiq even if it takes longer than hoped. I know I'm better at 25 mg than the original dose. Now to get to zero.

I have experienced light dizziness and light headache daily since lowering the dosage but started feeling a bit clearer yesterday. Then I had the earlier wake up today along with feeling more clear. I'm hoping those who wish to reduce or go off antidepressants when the time is right for you is as symptom free as possible.

Ups & Downs of Recovery

The first week of April I began aquatics therapy three times a week. What hurt in "land" therapy, did not hurt in the water. Even though I was sore between sessions, I was able to do the work. We all agreed that I would "ride out" the pain between sessions as long as muscles were building while working out in the pool. Aside from focusing on my one shoulder (the reason for the therapy initially), the pool allowed me to work on rebuilding all muscles that had atrophied while recuperating from all my pelvic prolapse surgeries in 2007-2008.

Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.

The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.

My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.

I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.

I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.

Fact is stranger than fiction

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

In the late 90s, I kept images of my alters in folders as their identities became known to me. ME ("Emmie), female inner wisdom shown at bottom of lower heart, is model Christy Turlington. Michael is actor Edward Burns. He acts and directs. One of his movies was She's the One. I have the article photo spread on him entitled He's the One.

My head felt a rush of new fuzziness after the fusion during therapy. As soon as I got home I began to get images from online of Edward Burns for collages. I was dumbfounded. He and Christy Turlington got married! Sometime in the past five years I think. Well, they are together in me now too. How weird is that?

Am still feeling at the back of the line but feel as if all who had been trapped in Ellie's male system before the fusion are out with a shorter line. But now that both halves of Ellie are reunited, I'm sure more answers will be coming. Many collages are showing programming even though I don't know what the programming did. My story is coming out from the perspective of the parts of me who lived it and I do have a greater understanding of that trauma life. What I don't understand is how anyone survives such trauma. The more I heal, the more I wonder why I am here on this earth.

I'm going on three months of collaging instead of flooding with a new surge yesterday. Although yesterday wasn't hoards of trapped ballerinas and traumatized she-males. It was just Michael. Who am I right now? I'm fuzzy me (at the top of the collage), my inner child parts, and my male and female inner wisdoms (ME and my Ian Fleming). Not as crowded...

Mickey Mouse

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

While I've known Mickey Mouse went with programming, I also realized my Mickey Mouse "alter" always appeared next to something that was bad. That might explain my affinity for Mickey Mouse watches. I own three beautiful ones but haven't worn a watch in years. Time was definitely bad. I wasn't supposed to pay attention to time.

Collages from early healing show much of Fight Club. Several recent collages had the Fight Club theme as well. This morning I did a collage starting with images of a little girl I've been referring to as "gun girl". What I learned was "my" Fight Club was the Mickey Mouse Club and that programming went with self destruction, Deer Hunter style. Whew. Was relieved to see that the alter who seemed to be about to heal from Fight Club trauma was also completely healed from the Mickey Mouse programming.

Collaging has been ongoing more than two months. Production has increased lately. I know I'm "flooding". The collages are containing the flooding. Flooding is a term for when so much amnestic information comes up at once, it can stop functioning...it overwhelms the mind. The control mechanism is this: It feels as if there is a line in front of me, each awaiting their turn to collage. All are polite. The one "out front" takes as much time as needed to complete his or her collage. I am in the background and barely break from collage mode unless I have an external interruption.

Initially I thought it was natural outcome of the Jane and Ellie fusion. My deeper understanding is they never should have been able to fuse. Jane and all of her systems and Ellie and all of what were her systems are now free to heal all who have been "undone" but trapped inside. Jane only knew part of the programming and Ellie knew the rest. I have done several collages each from a different alter's perspective. It's fascinating, exhausting, enlightening, and frightening. Has anyone else healed to this point?

I understand the birth and life focus was to establish, "nurture", and maintain a strong male identity system. I am beginning to see some of the ways I was used that have come up before. Aside from exploitation for monetary reasons, it is believed in many cultures that reaching a level of higher consciousness is most valuable. The sick people who deliberately dissociate children with access to technology are well aware of this and want to tap into that plane of consciousness. A former Nazi scientist living in the U.S. post war (Montauk, NY), wrote extensively about Orgone Energy--the energy derived when the body reaches orgasm. Abusers had a "justification" for sexually abusing their young victims in addition to pedophilia. The more orgasms, the more "mind power" could be achieved by a child and eventually an adult. Wilhelm Reich. Most literature on the occult refers to such efforts to reach higher levels of consciousness. This goes along with MK-Ultra funding to seek hallucinogenic mushrooms and frogs. It was highly valued.

This has been going on for centuries--not just generations. My saving grace is my best friend whom I met at grad school. With no trauma in her life, she focused on developing her intuition and learned to tap into her inner wisdom. It's available to all of us. Trauma was never necessary to create that ability. Our government and the organized pedophilia groups with this knowledge want to be able to use it for purposes that benefit only them. The elite. I dearly hope the true elite of this country one day come tumbling down and allow reason and sanity and goodness to rule the world.

I embrace my own powers of healing energy and goodness and see that as a gift even though it was gained through trauma. I also believe the abusers in my life did so well in developing my higher gifts of power, they might be afraid of me. At least it's a comforting thought to me in my moments of paranoia. It's what I hang onto when I think the next collage is going to have the secret police hauling me to a not-yet-closed secret CIA prison.

FWIW, Peter Pan is safe now too.


Mickey Mouse Programming - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Sexuality and survivors

Hope by grace2244

Last night I did this collage to represent my past and my wishful future with regard to my ability to express myself sexually freely without the past flowing into it. I was pleased with the collage artistically but it caused me to ponder that middle divide. There is no wall in my mind. I avoid "sex" with all of my being. Am fairly certain one of me had the job of being happy sexual. Not sure where she is since the medical trauma. My pelvic floor fell for heaven's sake. I do believe I will be healed sufficiently soon to add that back into my life.

I'm not sure about other survivors, but my true preference would be celibacy. I love BB with all my heart and soul. Intimacy is still a hurdle for reasons that have nothing to do with him. He has to pay the price for my past. My therapist advised several years ago that often being okay sexually is the last to heal. Possibly the recent fusion will allow that to happen.

Right now (and the impetus for writing this post) The Oprah Show is addressing sexuality issues. I'm in tears. They just welled up out of nowhere and are streaming down my face. How can someone who has had such horrific sexual abuse beginning before or by age 3 embrace loving intimacy? Guess I'm grieving the loss of not having that in my life. I don't want this to be too personal, but wanted to share that larger issue of separating sexual abuse from expressing healthy love sexually with a loving partner.

And I want it to be ME. I don't want another part to move forward to enjoy that part of my life. My pelvic floor is mostly healed. Getting my body to move is going slowly but surely thanks to the Wii Fit. Yet there is one more known issue tied to my past and that area of my body.

For years my mind justified what happened to me as jeans being too tight. I shifted to jeans jumpers and skirts in my 30s to avoid the problem...or so I thought. Since memories began, I realized I had been burned in my genital area with cigarettes, apparently many times. This body memory has recurred since at least my 20s. I never told anyone about it. It was embarrassing. Some physical signs preceded eruption sometimes, but not always. The most recent cigar(?) or cigarette burns began to appear last night. It's painful. It starts as a stinging soreness in a large area and then develops into several blisters on top of red raised areas (like a cigarette burn) that go through the course of breaking and healing at a rapid rate. Nothing helps to alleviate the pain. It takes several days to stop. I was going to work with my therapist on this issue but the fusion took priority.

For now, my therapist is on vacation, my blisters hurt, am feeling sorry for myself. Am feeling sad for BB that he has not had an intimate relationship in nearly two years. That is a goal for me for 2009. Complete healing...to include sexual healing. I know...bitch, bitch, bitch. This is my rant place. Hopefully if you've read to here, it's been a worthwhile topic.

My brain is not a fun place to visit

My thinking processes are not so clear these days but will write and see what comes out. The fusion has caused a feeling of greater multiplicity and increased forgetfulness. I didn't know there was a higher level of forgetfulness. I sort of understand that my being (which was conscious with at least partially processed memories) merged with my core with complete memory. Meaning...I think...that my conscious brain is now more muddled with floating chunks of amnesia. I cannot hold a thought. From the time I get up from the sofa and get into the kitchen, I have no idea why I'm there.

Brian has to remind me many times I have something to inhale or drink but as soon as I click on the computer to save what I was doing, I've forgotten what he just said. Now he stands there until I save my work and put the computer down. It feels like consciously I'm relaxing my brain to take a break so someone sneaks in and takes over for their time. I don't see my therapist for two more weeks. I need to work out an internal schedule, especially with the sleep. Several times this week I've been up till 5 am or later and slept till 1. I love that I was up before 10 today. I love my time in the mornings from about 8 to 10.

I have no focus for doing what needs to be done. Keep forgetting to check email. Forget to turn phone on for most of the day. Forget who I know. New Year's Eve I drove to a restaurant to meet with BB and friends because I was running late getting ready. I don't know who was out but she didn't know how to drive. Very disconcerting. Called for a protector to help with safe driving.

I've been living on Polyvore. As of last night had completed 29 collages in 15 days. The numbers stunned me. Things I have already processed are coming up in a more cohesive way although I still don't understand all they are trying to tell me. I finish a collage then realize I placed something in a very specific position so that it connected to a nearby image in most unusual way...startling actually.

I need to go back to my checklists. I had my daily calendar as a therapist. Somehow I have to make those things a priority before I jump onto the collage site. On the other hand, it feels essential that I be doing these collages now. One thing I learned long ago in my healing is to allow those healing things to happen. Can't imagine how I would manage if I were working while this total lack of focus is going on. I keep thinking the medical trauma must have triggered certain things that allowed for the fusion to take place. Perhaps, as awful as it was and still is, without that medical trauma, I wouldn't have been able to experience fusion. I do hope the internal craziness (lack of a time share schedule) calms down fairly soon.

More and more I would like to be able to counsel online. Until I feel ready to have total focus for my client(s), that is a wish. It would also allow me to write. I have several books in mind and my mission to be part of the healing of our sick underworld of organized pedophilia. Each day I send out thoughts to the Obama administration to see my application as something good and necessary.

Will proofread this entry but please excuse anything I miss! Since I haven't shared a collage on this blog, I'll provide one of my soothing works for you.


Simply Me by grace2244

Another incarnation of me

I wasn't sure whether to post here or on Forbidden Topic. Since it's more personal than helpful to others, I'm choosing here. I've blogged about my ongoing healing event...knowing something happened but not having that emotional connection to the internal change. That happened today. With all the ranting I do on this blog, I thought I'd share some serene thoughts as well as thoughts of doubt and future. Healing from DID is a long journey. I've disclosed I had two major integrations prior to becoming a full time therapist. So I was highly functioning with few issues to work on in therapy. When I began to practice, I changed therapy to once a month. That was a huge change for me.

The trauma of the medical stuff last year created some havoc with littles being shaken loose so I was feeling a little bit multiple again in the fear department. They healed fairly quickly once I realized what was happening. That happened somewhere between Halloween and mid-November. But back in September, a healed adult part of me came out as the blogger and advocate. I knew her as a little, Janie, and knew there was an adult Jane. Jane must have lived a major part of my subconscious life...integral part of my being.

I knew Jane was the advocate but I didn't realize until recently that I felt like I was in the background and she had taken over my life. I also came to realize she embodied the healed original child (sometimes called the core). Was thinking it was really her life. She should do what she wants. But her focus has been so intense and serious. I'm missing the fun in my life. I haven't played with my robotic dinos in ages and have felt stifled in making a new video featuring my tortoise Lucy. I've just felt different and disconnected...further from my friends than usual.

At one point in the past year or two, it became known that several healed adults had joined with me and we presented as one to the outside world. I didn't specifically notice any difference. It was odd that a merger happened into the conscious world when I did not share consciousness with them. I've stated before that the texts state "true integration" is when the one healing feels connected and feels ownership of all that happened in her life. I did not have that experience. I know this is complicated but would like to carry it out to the end.

On my drive to the therapist today, I came to realize that Jane coming forward back in September caused a redistribution (for lack of a better term) of the others who had joined me. All previously dissociated selves are integrated into Jane or me. In my therapy work today, Jane came to understand we needed to share this life we have and I wanted her to be able to continue with the education and advocacy but I wanted to feel joy in my life. Internally, I was behind Jane. She stepped to the side, placed her arm around me and helped move me next to her. I can't explain the overwhelming emotion. This loving feeling just surged between us. It was like seeing someone you loved ages ago never thinking you'd ever see them again. I sort of stayed in that internal feeling of loving for awhile.

The next thing that happened took me by surprise and I wasn't sure I liked it. Suddenly Jane and I melded into each other becoming one entity. I knew it was a good thing but also sort of scary. With any integration, life has more clarity and answers but there is always a fear of "What if I get lost and don't know who I am?" That's never happened but it remains a fear. Am feeling okay right now. I definitely want joy back in my life. I want life back in my life. This medical setback has been awful but may also have created a set of circumstances where I may have been unable to completely integrate without it. DID is weird.

I can definitely say my journey of integration is not what the experts would have you believe. The one big question is whether I will feel connected to the abuse that happened to my body...that ownership of my life. Time will tell. In the meantime, my core, my spirit, my being has strengthened. This I know.

In the thick of it

I won't ever have a way of knowing unless I'm led to an answer. But it's possible my one client's perps (who follow me because of my having advocated for her in the past), were part of my own abuse "network". It's only been 11 years I've been fully conscious in my life. I already know that my other actively abused client had a perp in her life who had been my role model neighbor when I was in high school. Katie is the 4-year-old alter of a former adult client. The gang of pedophiles to which she is connected against her will is headed by a man about 10 years younger than me. He would have been a 30-year-old pedophile when I was a 40-year-old dissociated victim.

I've lived in this area since high school. When my parents moved away, I know now my neighbor knew how to keep me in the fold. I was going on 30 then. When I "woke up", I was working full time, quite effectively and with much conscious praise, for a managed health care company. I had to take leave because of the conscious trauma of the first memories and having to learn how to return to work and somehow be okay. During that short-term leave, I began to do collages. One of my collages along with some internal narrative showed me a vice president of my company, an alter, something to do with foreign stocks, and the word SPIN.

The collage with all the symbols meant nothing to me. I could see things like NOK and "trading at the sound of the bell" and dollar signs. When I looked up NOK, I saw it was the symbol for Norwegian currency. The alter is on the phone and financial symbols are surrounding her. Someone has a finger over their lips. "Don't tell." I had not yet fully learned to understand how I received messages. Even though the collage told me a particular person at work was using the word "spin" with some phrase by telephone to cause me to make phone calls to what? Make stock or currency trades? For whom? Why?...It seemed too surreal to me.

I returned to work after leave. I interacted with this company officer by phone and in person to collaborate on a weekly project. One day, shortly after my return, he came to my desk, pulled up a chair, and we reviewed the project. No problem. Soon after he left, my phone rang. It was him. He wanted a change made but trusted me to write what he wanted to convey. As I was about to hang up, he said, "I trust you to put your spin on it." I stayed conscious, kinda laughed, hung up, and nearly passed out I got so dizzy. I had another picture of the adult female alter hanging upside down with the words "In spin we trust" under her. I trust you to put your spin... My collage and internal message were right on. I learned to trust internal messages very quickly after that.

The first company I worked for out of high school was for the same company where my neighbor worked. WTF? And look at the irony of my last job before having to give up life as I knew it for healing. Survivors scream for help healing while health care refuses to recognize the diagnosis of DID as requiring intensive therapy. And there I was at a managed care company being used in a dissociative state! That's as much as I know definitely about my former dissociated adult life. Exploitation for activities out of conscious awareness.

So I remained living in an area apparently entrenched in this crap for the past 40 years. I live among people who have seen me doing things I don't remember doing...kiddie porn is all I remember from childhood. But what if there are things out there now with me as an adult? I can't deal with that madness. I'm so upset just writing that thought. Both my father and the one survivor's parents worked in the same place. Their paths crossed in the 1970s but it could have been for at least 10 years. Does that mean we only lived places in my life where this stuff was going on? Pedophile community to pedophile community? Do they all know each other? Refer to each other if moving to a new area?

I had confirmation during very early healing that all levels of organized pedophilia interact. I would imagine all pedophile communities surrounding a hub city are aware of each other. Possibly each specializes in some aspect of exploitation. This is what law enforcement needs to figure out. It's huge. It's scary. I walk among my perpetrators. My life has never been my own. Even as healed as I am, they make sure I know they are there. The only way I can do it is to say f*ck them and walk out the door. Some days that's difficult to do. Some days that's impossible to do. Some days I really can say WTF and go about my day. Life shouldn't have to be this difficult. I am only one survivor. I suspect the numbers of victims (children and adults) is in the hundreds of thousands rather than thousands who don't know they are even being used. It's sickening.

Had I known early in my healing I was still in the thick of it, I doubt I could have handled it. I don't know how Katie and the adult of my former client's body handle that knowledge. I had originally thought all of my abuse happened when I was out of town (or taken away from home when younger). I couldn't imagine or even suspected it was local. My mind didn't allow me to go there. It was not until I was in grad school that those memories surfaced. At that point they were answers that made perfect sense. Also it was horrific processing that had been the case and it was outside my door. But I was strong enough to know it and choose to remain here where the rest of my life is. I don't think it matters if I'm here or I move. Someone's eyes from that world will be watching.

Once born into that world, the victim is theirs. Infancy until thirties or forties with some outliers. And add about ten years for strong healing. If we're lucky, we get a mostly conscious and peaceful retirement. It's so surreal to say; I'm sure it's surreal to hear. Even when not connected to a group, a child's future is sealed pretty much for the first three quarters of her life if DID is created from overwhelming abuse. This cannot ever be okay.

No one to call for help

In real life, at this very moment, the child alter "Katie" of adult victim/survivor "Christina" could be in the hands of the pedophile group that has haunted her life at least since toddlerhood. Denial by the nation allows her life to be in jeopardy every moment of every day. The police have given permission for her abusers to access her as often as they want because she is too terrified of the police to call them and I can no longer call the police for her, not to mention they scoff at her "problems". I'm distanced from her life and don't know the details of her daily struggles. I just know it continues.

Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.

The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.

To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?

As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.

Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.

My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.

I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.

How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.

The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?

I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?

My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.

Every child deserves a chance

Good news today. Legislation has passed in New York to treat minors used for sexual exploitation as victims rather than prosecute them as offenders. This is certainly a step in the right direction. I would hope other states quickly follow suit. From my perspective, legislation needs to go that one step further to provide the same services to adult survivors of child exploitation who, through no fault of their own, don't remember until later in life. Assistance provided by this Safe Harbor Act includes counseling, emergency services and long term housing solutions.

I read something yesterday that made me think how the situation would be different if the nation went after pedophilia at its source of gathering. The issue was why pedophiles were not being given appropriate help to heal from their own child abuse. Without delving into the research, I believe it has been proven that, by the time the individual reaches a certain age, it's too late. It's true that pedophiles do train boys to become pedophiles. But if those boys were rescued and provided with resources for long-term therapy and safety, imagine the impact that could have for the boys who were saved as well as the nation. Getting help for young boys "in training" would reduce the pedophile population for the future.

I recall one of Katie's disclosures. Typically it was "older boys" or the "bad men" who came in groups. One day she told me a little boy was with them. She didn't know numbers but knew the boy was older than her. He could write and count. For some reason, the perps left the young boy with her for several hours while they went off to heaven only knows what destruction. She relayed that the little boy said he didn't like being with the men. In fact he helped her by hiding the "little phone" (the cell phone) so it would not be taken from her when they returned. That little boy told Katie. Even if the adult part of her was able to hear (co-consciousness) of the child's plea, her report to authorities would have been dismissed. Knowing about it and having no resources to report feels very helpless.

If I become aware of a child's abuse, I am compelled to report to Children & Youth within 24 hours. Since I had already been rebuffed by law enforcement several times and knew how they treated both Katie and my other client, I had no resources. In Tyler's case, he reported his toddler brother was also being hurt by bio mom and her boyfriend as well as the boyfriend's teenage son. I can only hope that Tyler's stepbrother was rescued from that situation. Tyler was terrified of the toddler, viewing him also as someone who hurt him. My mind has only one concept of what might have been done to cause that to happen, but just is no telling. Maybe one day Tyler will have the vocabulary to tell.

In my memories, my younger sister's mere appearance in a dream caused me to wake up screaming in terror. It took several years to fully process what that meant. The answer I got was that I had been told repeatedly that she could kill me if she were told. That made sense because she was so aggressive as a child. She would fight at the least provocation with fingernails digging, biting, hair pulling. My older sister and I were nonviolent and tried to protect ourselves from her. Of course any complaining we did to our parents about the little sister being so mean led to scolding or worse because we were older and were supposed to know better or set an example. It wasn't until we were all adults that we could get along together. You can see how subconsciously I would avoid my sister for any type of affectionate bond.

No matter what I remembered, it made perfect sense in the spectrum of my conscious life. It was self-validating. Those who would ask, "Where's the proof", I would answer "in the healing". I was lucky. I didn't have to wait for ten misdiagnoses before I knew I had DID. I found a good therapist within two years. I did heal. I've been at home for a year recuperating from a medical disaster learning I was the therapist other psychiatrists and doctors were referring their dissociative patients to. There is such a shortage of trained therapists. It's not fair. I know that life is not fair. But this whole issue of survivors having to go through hurdle after hurdle, fighting to heal, is so not fair.

Thy will be done

In 1994, I watched Stephen King's The Stand, a television mini-series. It was the first time in my life (I was 42 at the time) that I understood the phrase "Thy will be done". I said it as part of a prayer but thought it was an incomplete phrase. What will be done? I didn't get it. It was an OMG moment when I realized it referred to MY WILL--my choices, my decisions, my will. My memories didn't surface until several years later so it had no greater meaning at the time. In reflection, I could see I was clueless about what my will was. It was a document for after I died. Obviously, having no concept of personal choice was a huge message I held subconsciously.

"Will" went with sheep to me in my artwork. After many images I realized I was the lamb following the will of someone else. In my internal system, Will was a person who was very tortured. In fact, many concepts of human identity were made to be literal. People often laughed at my responses to statements because of my genuine confusion. Soul went with a shoe and was walked all over. Heart was something that they took out if you told. Commitment is what happened if you told (committed to an asylum). Needless to say I was pretty effed up subconsciously. Metaphor was literal and concept was made reality.

In the later years of my healing before I fully understood the message of concepts as being made into something concrete to cause confusion, I surrounded myself with Philosophy products. If you aren't familiar with that line of beauty products, just search them on the internet or go to Philosophy.com. I had products called Hope in a Jar, When Hope is Not Enough, Grace (a perfume), Eye Believe, and Soul Owner. Philosophy products have wonderful inspirational writings on them. It was a neat discovery to my healing. I was subconsciously changing my internal messages by surrounding myself with concrete examples of my humanity.

What I know for certain about the religious aspect of the abuse is my still ongoing confusion between the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene. My best friend is Catholic and helped me through what I knew versus the Catholic teaching. I was consciously raised another religion. I did things that were Catholic but backwards or skewed. I don't know why that backwardness is so set into my mind to this day. When The DaVinci Code came out, I was, "See! It IS Mary Magdalene!"

As part of my healing, I embraced concepts of Native American Indians with some Buddha and Zen. I created my own rituals. One day I took my newly purchased white sage and decided to smudge the house. I had a special bowl to burn the sage. I walked through the house circling my hand around and over the smoke to waft it over me and over special areas of the home. That was fine except a young child part of me joined with me and began to say, "Hail Mary full of Grace". Grace was a person, not the lovely meaning it has now. I called my friend and told her what I was doing. She said her mother used to bless her house each year by burning frankincense and myrhh while reciting the "hail Mary". How did I know that? It was a lovely memory for my friend. Undoing religious confusion remains ongoing.

Grace is a name I took on as my own in the final stages of healing as I prepared for graduation with my counseling degree. I wanted my newly chosen name of healing on my diploma. I took ownership of my Grace...and my soul and my hope and my will. My will be done. My choices now. I choose to fight this battle against the world of evil. In doing so, I believe Thy will be done.

A dilemma of the underworld variety

I’m not able to convey Katie’s story at this time but I can relay my story. What happened…is still happening…to Katie is an example of how insidious organized pedophilia is and how unbelievable it sounds. It is because of Katie that I have the full picture of the vastness, invisibility, and community denial of the existence of sophisticated pedophiles. They are like wolves and travel in packs. Rarely had Katie recalled only one perp. My other client had her evil “posse” harassing her in the outside world and the same group of people entering her home to hurt her who were part of the group in the robes. She knew they were all the same people. Katie has the intensity and frequency of abuse without the masked charade.

I don’t understand the frequency. It’s relentless. All survivors I have known of intentional DID have memories that make us all question how it happened. In trying to advocate for Katie with police and another organization to help women, my explaining that Katie was being “hurt” in her home and other locations was dismissed as her lying to me for attention. No one took my reports seriously. Don't you think, as a therapist, I would have some sense if someone was lying to me? The belief that DID can be faked is so far fetched. When you see it on television, remember the actors are acting. They know what to say and do and there are retakes if they get it wrong--to make the audience believe DID is an "easy deception". Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I recall in my healing having a moment when I thought it would have been impossible to have been abused as much as I was recalling. My own unbelievability factor surfaced many times. Of course survivors question what comes up too. It's why those who don't want the world to figure out try at all costs to prevent survivors from speaking to each other...much the same way siblings are manipulated to not get along in an incestuous environment. What is known is that organized pedophiles do everything to extreme to maintain their unbelievability quotient. Since I had two survivors with such similar circumstances but different groups (communities not far from each other), each telling me a frequency of abuse of at least several times a week, it was more of a validation of what I knew from my own memories and those of every other survivor born into a family of see, hear, speak no evil.

My own family has no recollection when I was gone for weeks at a time as proven in school records. The perp message is “remember to forget”. I still don’t notice if someone or something is missing. I don’t see who or what is not there. I literally forget my friends if I don’t see an email from them every few days. I’ll eventually remember. I call it “falling off my radar”.

Pedophiles have perfect set ups, especially if there are small (or not so small) groups of families known to be part of the underground where a victim “chooses” to live. It’s the only explanation for no one reporting the constant barrage to home and body. There are other options available to pedophiles though, particularly when the former child has a driver's license and access to a car. To be continued.

Unbelievable resources

I don't remember my own followers or enforcers or whatever the bad guys are called who hang around your life once leaving childhood and/or the home of a parent pedophile. I know it happens. I just didn't know to what degree. As a therapist, I witnessed several people constantly harass, frighten, and trigger my first client who knew she was tied to organized pedophiles who hid behind the devil worship scenario. She told me often that she had seen certain people follow her and/or be visible as a threat when she arrived at my office. I began to walk out with her following her appointment and the people she had described were indeed there.
I became familiar with several vehicles, drivers, bicycle man, and one or two who happened to always be strolling right past the steps to the practice at the time the door opened for her to exit. It was alarming how their timing always coincided even when her appointment time or date changed. In trying to report the stalking tactic to local police, I was told, unless someone actually hurt her, nothing could be done. Of course, reporting "cult" activity was useless. It was known among therapists in the area that certain towns and communities were known for supporting (or not deterring) such activities, police included. It only takes one police officer in a small community department to make it miserable for those trying to report.

Because I had tried to gain more protection for her, and because I was helping her undo some of the messages keeping her stuck from healing, I became a target. I guess the theory is that hopefully either the therapist or victim/survivor will be too frightened to continue. Bike man would dart out into traffic from between cars where he couldn't possibly see me at precisely the moment my car was next. That can only happen if a second person is involved and knows exactly where I am and informs bike man. It didn't matter how late I worked, that bike whizzed right past me as I came down the steps outside. Who was watching my office for the light to go out? And where were they watching from?

I went to a law enforcement gear store and purchased mace. The store was staffed by off duty police officers. One showed me the correct way to use the mace and helped me understand my rights. I could only use the mace if I felt threatened. As much as I wanted to spray bikeman as he passed by, that wasn't allowed. I had pictures of several of the victim's perps and automobiles. That continued until last year when I had to stop work for medical reasons.

A year after beginning work with the first actively abused client, I began to work with a second woman newly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and referred to me. At the time we began our work, neither of us knew she was still actively being assaulted by a group of "older boys" and a few "men" who seemed to lead the group. I again witnessed the car described by a child alter following her as well as other vehicles over the course of our work. My name was used to threaten the child part--they would kill me if she kept on seeing me. I became aware of her perps following me and cutting me off on several occasions--not as predictably as my other client. When activity heated up, I carried a camera in my car. I have photos of the red Silverado 4x4 that harassed me on my way to spontaneously run an errand (coincidentally when my SO was out of town for the weekend).

My thinking was that I could have been wrong about the red truck. Maybe it was just an idiot driver. I would know on my return trip because "they" would get back on my trail at about the place they got off my trail. Having had that experience, I was afraid to stop and get gas even though I was completely on empty. My camera was ready. I passed the shopping mall parking lot where the man in the red hat turned off. He pulled out in front of me at the first major intersection after the mall. He stayed ahead of me until I was turning down my street from the last major road. He turned the other way. I clearly saw the same person both times. And I had gotten photos of the truck and license plates.

When I looked at the photos, my program was able to view the license plates clearly. Knowing they used stolen/lost license plates, I wanted to have the picture for both directions. I was surprised (and not surprised) to see it was two different red Silverado 4x4s. One was an older version. If the day ever comes where someone is interested in catching these thugs, I would bet both license plates lead nowhere. The change of vehicle means at least one other person was involved. And who knew I was leaving my home where I live in a garaged townhome? Who knew my SO was away?

Two different survivors of abuse from different groups of pedophiles. Each had at least four identifiable perps on a regular basis harassing or stalking them or me. It is not okay to heal. It is unfathomable to realize the "manpower" is so great that there might be multiple (no pun intended) perps assigned to one healing survivor to keep her from seeking help. That is astronomical resources if that is "typical".

It became known over the course of my work with one person that known perps lived nearby. For one it was in the same apartment complex. She was able to recognize certain perps as the same ones in the horror ceremonies. My other client actually moved from one home where she had been abused in a dissociative state for more than ten years. Within several weeks of moving to her new apartment, they were inside that dwelling with no neighbors reporting anything suspicious. How can this happen? Are there pedophile communities where victims think they are consciously choosing to live?

Initially I believed all of my abuse happened either at the hands of my father growing up to the time I broke free when I was in my late teens. Consciously I just knew I hated him and wanted to get away. He used numerous tactics that caused me to remain in the same home. It sickens me to think of the guilt I endured believing it would "kill my mother" if I moved out on my own. In any event, it was later in my healing that I began to recall abuse since moving to the area where I still live. My parents moved far away thirty years ago. The first person to come up as a perp in my local life (and adult life) was a much loved next door neighbor from my high school years. His family and our family were close friends even after we moved into another neighborhood. I stayed in touch after my parents moved away. Eventually I severed ties with anyone from my past realizing I just had no way of knowing who was a good guy or a bad guy.

During a session with one of the currently-abused individuals, she blurted out the name of my former neighbor as one of her abusers. Talk about a conflict of interest. She transitioned to working with another therapist. That validation was so stunning and unexpected. I babysat for that family. I was in his home so many times. He referred me to the company and provided a reference for my first employment out of high school--the company where he worked. Doesn't that just bring up all kinds of other questions?

This is a small area compared to many cities in the U.S. Survivors are in every community. The more absurd it sounds, remember that's the way it was meant to sound. If I'm sounding beyond belief, gotcha.

Major depression to the nth degree

*Trigger warning*
While it goes without saying, I'm going to say it anyway. Children of abuse are very sad children. Survivors, when asked when they first remember being depressed, will generally recall a specific time during or before high school when they first thought of wanting to die. My personal message since high school was "I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up." Passive suicidal thoughts.

Children of abuse at the hands of sophisticated and/or organized pedophiles have a very confusing world. Consciously they know holidays and birthdays are supposed to be times of fun and joy. Subconsciously such dates have horrendous meaning to include intentional messages of death, "forced suicide", worthlessness, and inability to be loved...somehow through their own fault. A child with DID lives in a world of constantly conflicting extremes.

"Forced suicide" is when a dissociated self is trained in a specific way to commit suicide. There's a most devious strategy for this. If something goes awry and the child begins to remember prematurely or any other undesired result, perps can cue an "age appropriate" suicide. Let me explain. Much to my horror, I found a very young little (maybe 3 years old) who was supposed to drink a bottle of bleach if told to do so. Another older self believed bleach was some magic elixir of the gods. Throughout my healing I uncovered and fortunately healed an untold number of parts who outlived the method of age-appropriate suicide. I had always hated to do laundry. When I was married, I avoided the laundry room in my home (or anywhere else) at all costs. After discovering the terrified little and her bleach message, that fear made perfect sense to me. The bleach was in the laundry room. When she healed, I could do laundry again. I still avoid actually using the bleach though. Thank goodness for that bleach for colors. It's blue :-)

I think I strayed from the point. Organized perps don't have to get their hands dirty if someone needs to be eliminated. They rely on the suicide alters to do their job. Processing so many selves recalling an urge to suicide by different methods is exhausting. I hate to say it becomes "same old, same old" by the time you get through a certain number of healings of such sad and frightened parts, but it sort of does. Some adult selves had very strong urges to self-destruct which was tricky to say the least...not to mention terrifying to me that they might actually take over my consciousness and that's the last I'd ever know. Obviously that didn't happen, but it is a concern during the process.

Of course there are huge messages to self destruct when memories surface and some new suicide messages are tied to specific memories as the healing continues. It makes me wonder how many *suicides* were dissociated selves successful in carrying out the mission of the perps. That became a helpful message. Parts trained to suicide were generally extremely relieved to hear they no longer needed to hold onto that job.

"Major Depressive Disorder" is one of the diagnoses that goes with anyone who has DID. IMO there needs to be a higher degree than "Major" for the level survivors of organized pedophilia endure. While healing the sad insiders, depression becomes more tolerable. But even after achieving a level of high functioning to move on with one's life, trauma continues to process in the background impacting conscious mood. I was able to live without antidepressants into my early 50s--mostly because I couldn't tolerate any of the antidepressants available. For an unknown conscious reason, my depression shifted into high gear a year into my working as a therapist. Thank heavens for Cymbalta.

Blooming Lotus has a post today about "holidays" when perps held their gatherings each year. It reminded me how my mood fell drastically yesterday. It's a few days before the first day of Autumn. That means an equinox. Full moons. Birthdays. Halloween. All the dates on the scary calendar that organized pedophiles use for their frequent group gatherings. Yes, the calendar looks horrific and unbelievable. Clue...clue...clue. I hate Halloween. I'm okay now seeing the lit pumpkins and kids in costumes and almost okay seeing the aisle of masks and spooky stuff in stores. But nothing helps whatever is going on in my subconscious remembering the horror...the excuse called Halloween for monstrous harm to young children.

Isn't it wonderful strolling down memory lane as a survivor???! The good news is, as survivors come out of that land of woundedness, there is an evolution into a life of new memories and making new traditions and safe holidays. And realizing that sad is not the "default" mood one should feel.

First sense of calm

I have been intensely engaged in the topic of pedophilia and wanted to pause and share two images from two different survivors. Most therapists working with DID help to ground the client in "safe place" imagery. This is not such an easy task since most survivors don't grasp the concept of "safe" yet in their lives. Those who can establish a secure internal safe place for healing tend to do better initially in my experience.

One drawing shows the survivor at a young age safely hugging one of her littles (young dissociated self). She explained how she was starved as a child for good touches and how good it was just to be able to hug her littles safely. The other drawing reflects an internal safe room where a protector is holding two littles while one hugs his arm.

No two survivors will visualize the same safe place. It is entirely a matter of individual needs and choices. The therapist's job is simply to guide the client to visualize (with all senses) a place where all parts of the self can gather to heal when it is time for each to heal. Personally, I find both to be very soothing and calming images. It's a good start in what begins as a feeling of complete internal chaos.