Passive Suicide Not So Passive

Active suicidal thoughts are those on which the person experiencing the thoughts does act or attempt to act on killing oneself. A passive suicidal thought is: I wish a building will fall over on me...I wish I would suddenly die of an aneurysm...I'm so tired of trying I just wish I would die. I've had passive thoughts since high school. They have been a constant in my life but always in the background until recently.

Most survivors of abuse have passive suicide ideation. In my Polyvore group, it is a "normal" expression of feelings to wish to die. Those who are survivors of long-term abuse understand this and know how to support another who expresses such thoughts. On the other hand, friends, family, and others who care usually respond to the expression of such a thought with panic or feeling that they must stop the person from having such thoughts. That these others care so deeply is appreciated but it's not the response we need.

Last night, by mistake, I posted my Polyvore sets expressing my vivid desire to die to Facebook when usually they go to Twitter to those who follow my journey. It wasn't until after I had posted my third set "Death Wish" to Facebook that I happened to go on Facebook and see the panic I had created. Am wanting to write about this to help those with loved ones who are survivors.

If the desire is passive and especially if it's being expressed through art (a coping skill to release such thoughts), the survivor needs to hear things like "I am here for you; call me if you'd like to talk; I hear you and let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Another coping skill that is not so healthy but definitely more frightening for those who are not survivors is "cutting". The intent is the misconception that by making some part of the body bleed it will release the pain. Of course that belief system needs to be changed through the help of a therapist. A new coping skill that is healthy has to take the place of the cutting. The danger though is that the person making light cuts on the skin may accidentally cut too deeply. A higher danger exists for those with DID since a harm alter may intentionally cause the person to cut deeply. It is prudent to ask the person to hand over the sharp objects if they are found engaged in the activity. But usually it is done so secretively.

The next level, for me, is programming. Programming is self harm or self-destruct actions that were made the job of one or more alters. Throughout my healing I uncovered many programs meant for me to kill myself that I was able to undo with my therapist. I have written sufficiently about what happened in March following the death of my sperm donor. I watched myself engaging in active suicidality.

Since being released from the Center after believing I was safe from the programming, another program came up that I was able to resolve once again with my therapist. The result has been my now passive thoughts seems to stick in my head and overwhelm to the point where I really do want to end my life to stop the thoughts. Sounds like a Catch 22. Am sure that goes with more aftermath of the original trigger.

Another cause of passive suicidal thoughts is the chronic body pain many survivors of abuse must endure. In my conscious life, I had only short-lived pain (post operative) from which I knew I'd recover. Since my many surgeries of 2007, my body has never returned to normal. I had been loving pool therapy until my depression became so bad in January I couldn't bring myself to engage in any activities I had previously enjoyed. Then the concussion from my fall at the Center a month ago has created a constant and sometimes seemingly unbearable pain in my back, shoulders, and head...in addition to the body not working right.

I am realizing I may need another surgery to fix the one problem that would prevent me from enjoying any vacation. I'd have to stay in one place basically while my partner went off to enjoy and explore and take photographs. I don't want that for him or for me. The concussion is taking much longer than expected and I constantly wonder if other damage was done to my brain. I also wonder if the fall was also an attempt at death by an alter since I hit my head so hard.

My coping skill is whining (*snork*) and Polyvore sets to release the emotions. Often I can Polyvore my way through a very difficult time. Any art therapy or journalling is a healthy outlet to release the very real thoughts circling inside.

Am hoping this will help others understand the dynamics involved in what is likely seen as "drama"...a very belittling term for our reality. It doesn't go away. Well, actually, my passive thoughts did go away from 2005 through mid 2007. I wish for a return of that short time where I was not depressed and on such a low dose of anti-depressant. The best year and a half of my life. A sad statement in retrospect. Is that all there is?

We try to believe and hold onto dreams. We look for hope. The offering of an extended hand, literally or virtually, can go a long way to helping someone in emotional pain.

No one to call for help

In real life, at this very moment, the child alter "Katie" of adult victim/survivor "Christina" could be in the hands of the pedophile group that has haunted her life at least since toddlerhood. Denial by the nation allows her life to be in jeopardy every moment of every day. The police have given permission for her abusers to access her as often as they want because she is too terrified of the police to call them and I can no longer call the police for her, not to mention they scoff at her "problems". I'm distanced from her life and don't know the details of her daily struggles. I just know it continues.

Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.

The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.

To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?

As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.

Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.

My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.

I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.

How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.

The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?

I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?

My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.

Major depression to the nth degree

*Trigger warning*
While it goes without saying, I'm going to say it anyway. Children of abuse are very sad children. Survivors, when asked when they first remember being depressed, will generally recall a specific time during or before high school when they first thought of wanting to die. My personal message since high school was "I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up." Passive suicidal thoughts.

Children of abuse at the hands of sophisticated and/or organized pedophiles have a very confusing world. Consciously they know holidays and birthdays are supposed to be times of fun and joy. Subconsciously such dates have horrendous meaning to include intentional messages of death, "forced suicide", worthlessness, and inability to be loved...somehow through their own fault. A child with DID lives in a world of constantly conflicting extremes.

"Forced suicide" is when a dissociated self is trained in a specific way to commit suicide. There's a most devious strategy for this. If something goes awry and the child begins to remember prematurely or any other undesired result, perps can cue an "age appropriate" suicide. Let me explain. Much to my horror, I found a very young little (maybe 3 years old) who was supposed to drink a bottle of bleach if told to do so. Another older self believed bleach was some magic elixir of the gods. Throughout my healing I uncovered and fortunately healed an untold number of parts who outlived the method of age-appropriate suicide. I had always hated to do laundry. When I was married, I avoided the laundry room in my home (or anywhere else) at all costs. After discovering the terrified little and her bleach message, that fear made perfect sense to me. The bleach was in the laundry room. When she healed, I could do laundry again. I still avoid actually using the bleach though. Thank goodness for that bleach for colors. It's blue :-)

I think I strayed from the point. Organized perps don't have to get their hands dirty if someone needs to be eliminated. They rely on the suicide alters to do their job. Processing so many selves recalling an urge to suicide by different methods is exhausting. I hate to say it becomes "same old, same old" by the time you get through a certain number of healings of such sad and frightened parts, but it sort of does. Some adult selves had very strong urges to self-destruct which was tricky to say the least...not to mention terrifying to me that they might actually take over my consciousness and that's the last I'd ever know. Obviously that didn't happen, but it is a concern during the process.

Of course there are huge messages to self destruct when memories surface and some new suicide messages are tied to specific memories as the healing continues. It makes me wonder how many *suicides* were dissociated selves successful in carrying out the mission of the perps. That became a helpful message. Parts trained to suicide were generally extremely relieved to hear they no longer needed to hold onto that job.

"Major Depressive Disorder" is one of the diagnoses that goes with anyone who has DID. IMO there needs to be a higher degree than "Major" for the level survivors of organized pedophilia endure. While healing the sad insiders, depression becomes more tolerable. But even after achieving a level of high functioning to move on with one's life, trauma continues to process in the background impacting conscious mood. I was able to live without antidepressants into my early 50s--mostly because I couldn't tolerate any of the antidepressants available. For an unknown conscious reason, my depression shifted into high gear a year into my working as a therapist. Thank heavens for Cymbalta.

Blooming Lotus has a post today about "holidays" when perps held their gatherings each year. It reminded me how my mood fell drastically yesterday. It's a few days before the first day of Autumn. That means an equinox. Full moons. Birthdays. Halloween. All the dates on the scary calendar that organized pedophiles use for their frequent group gatherings. Yes, the calendar looks horrific and unbelievable. Clue...clue...clue. I hate Halloween. I'm okay now seeing the lit pumpkins and kids in costumes and almost okay seeing the aisle of masks and spooky stuff in stores. But nothing helps whatever is going on in my subconscious remembering the horror...the excuse called Halloween for monstrous harm to young children.

Isn't it wonderful strolling down memory lane as a survivor???! The good news is, as survivors come out of that land of woundedness, there is an evolution into a life of new memories and making new traditions and safe holidays. And realizing that sad is not the "default" mood one should feel.