Footnote to video

I just have to say it. The appearance is that the FBI is providing safe haven for pedophiles. Is that the message they want to be conveying?

How much is government entrenched in that world? We all have seen so many politicians under the spotlight for sexual proclivities. I recall the one Dateline where a state legislator was identified as a pedophile. We know it is at all levels of society to include our vast government.

I learned something very important about pedophiles. Most of us know that rape is not about sex; it's about power. The same is true for pedophiles. For them, it's about absolute power. It's as if the person is void of feelings unless he or she is completely dominating another. That explains the viciousness of their crimes with such intentionality. I haven't known a survivor of this abuse yet who didn't believe she would have died if her mind hadn't coped through DID.

While women are in the minority, they do represent a portion of the world of pedophiles. It has been my personal experience (through the shared history of others), that female pedophiles are just as deadly with emotional abuse as sexual abuse. Know there is no remorse in such people.

"Sociopath: a person, as a psychopathic personality, ...who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience." (Dictionary.com)

It seems that pedophile is beyond sociopath. I've been very troubled since assembling the video, because the FBI's lack of attention screamed out at me. Maybe one day very soon our collective voice can scream back at them. Not only to add that one column to their weekly police reports for "reported cult abuse", but also to back up the individual's report at the local level with documentation. This is where understanding and accepting DID as the manifestation of horrific abuse BEFORE AGE 6 is crucial. Interviewing someone with DID under current predator abuse by necessity must involve speaking to the dissociated states who know the abuse and other helpful facts such as names, locations, or partial descriptions.

The helpful truth will be in the patterns of reports and child alter drawings. That's not going to happen unless the community makes it safe to report. So much change. Pedophiles and their spokespeople have run the country for too long.

Thy will be done

In 1994, I watched Stephen King's The Stand, a television mini-series. It was the first time in my life (I was 42 at the time) that I understood the phrase "Thy will be done". I said it as part of a prayer but thought it was an incomplete phrase. What will be done? I didn't get it. It was an OMG moment when I realized it referred to MY WILL--my choices, my decisions, my will. My memories didn't surface until several years later so it had no greater meaning at the time. In reflection, I could see I was clueless about what my will was. It was a document for after I died. Obviously, having no concept of personal choice was a huge message I held subconsciously.

"Will" went with sheep to me in my artwork. After many images I realized I was the lamb following the will of someone else. In my internal system, Will was a person who was very tortured. In fact, many concepts of human identity were made to be literal. People often laughed at my responses to statements because of my genuine confusion. Soul went with a shoe and was walked all over. Heart was something that they took out if you told. Commitment is what happened if you told (committed to an asylum). Needless to say I was pretty effed up subconsciously. Metaphor was literal and concept was made reality.

In the later years of my healing before I fully understood the message of concepts as being made into something concrete to cause confusion, I surrounded myself with Philosophy products. If you aren't familiar with that line of beauty products, just search them on the internet or go to Philosophy.com. I had products called Hope in a Jar, When Hope is Not Enough, Grace (a perfume), Eye Believe, and Soul Owner. Philosophy products have wonderful inspirational writings on them. It was a neat discovery to my healing. I was subconsciously changing my internal messages by surrounding myself with concrete examples of my humanity.

What I know for certain about the religious aspect of the abuse is my still ongoing confusion between the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene. My best friend is Catholic and helped me through what I knew versus the Catholic teaching. I was consciously raised another religion. I did things that were Catholic but backwards or skewed. I don't know why that backwardness is so set into my mind to this day. When The DaVinci Code came out, I was, "See! It IS Mary Magdalene!"

As part of my healing, I embraced concepts of Native American Indians with some Buddha and Zen. I created my own rituals. One day I took my newly purchased white sage and decided to smudge the house. I had a special bowl to burn the sage. I walked through the house circling my hand around and over the smoke to waft it over me and over special areas of the home. That was fine except a young child part of me joined with me and began to say, "Hail Mary full of Grace". Grace was a person, not the lovely meaning it has now. I called my friend and told her what I was doing. She said her mother used to bless her house each year by burning frankincense and myrhh while reciting the "hail Mary". How did I know that? It was a lovely memory for my friend. Undoing religious confusion remains ongoing.

Grace is a name I took on as my own in the final stages of healing as I prepared for graduation with my counseling degree. I wanted my newly chosen name of healing on my diploma. I took ownership of my Grace...and my soul and my hope and my will. My will be done. My choices now. I choose to fight this battle against the world of evil. In doing so, I believe Thy will be done.

A dilemma of the underworld variety

I’m not able to convey Katie’s story at this time but I can relay my story. What happened…is still happening…to Katie is an example of how insidious organized pedophilia is and how unbelievable it sounds. It is because of Katie that I have the full picture of the vastness, invisibility, and community denial of the existence of sophisticated pedophiles. They are like wolves and travel in packs. Rarely had Katie recalled only one perp. My other client had her evil “posse” harassing her in the outside world and the same group of people entering her home to hurt her who were part of the group in the robes. She knew they were all the same people. Katie has the intensity and frequency of abuse without the masked charade.

I don’t understand the frequency. It’s relentless. All survivors I have known of intentional DID have memories that make us all question how it happened. In trying to advocate for Katie with police and another organization to help women, my explaining that Katie was being “hurt” in her home and other locations was dismissed as her lying to me for attention. No one took my reports seriously. Don't you think, as a therapist, I would have some sense if someone was lying to me? The belief that DID can be faked is so far fetched. When you see it on television, remember the actors are acting. They know what to say and do and there are retakes if they get it wrong--to make the audience believe DID is an "easy deception". Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I recall in my healing having a moment when I thought it would have been impossible to have been abused as much as I was recalling. My own unbelievability factor surfaced many times. Of course survivors question what comes up too. It's why those who don't want the world to figure out try at all costs to prevent survivors from speaking to each other...much the same way siblings are manipulated to not get along in an incestuous environment. What is known is that organized pedophiles do everything to extreme to maintain their unbelievability quotient. Since I had two survivors with such similar circumstances but different groups (communities not far from each other), each telling me a frequency of abuse of at least several times a week, it was more of a validation of what I knew from my own memories and those of every other survivor born into a family of see, hear, speak no evil.

My own family has no recollection when I was gone for weeks at a time as proven in school records. The perp message is “remember to forget”. I still don’t notice if someone or something is missing. I don’t see who or what is not there. I literally forget my friends if I don’t see an email from them every few days. I’ll eventually remember. I call it “falling off my radar”.

Pedophiles have perfect set ups, especially if there are small (or not so small) groups of families known to be part of the underground where a victim “chooses” to live. It’s the only explanation for no one reporting the constant barrage to home and body. There are other options available to pedophiles though, particularly when the former child has a driver's license and access to a car. To be continued.

Backlash of "Telling"

As a survivor of years of abuse at the hands of organized pedophiles, I have instilled into my being--likely scarred into my being--the message it is not okay to tell. As a therapist who helped trauma survivors, I heard the same messages over and over again. Survivors used the same expressions to describe experiences. It was uncanny. Pedophiles do operate from the same "handbook".

With every aspect of my healing, I had to deal with "do not tell" threats and fear. When memories first begin to emerge, the fear is barely tolerable, it's so overwhelming. All the deeply instilled messages come up: Don't tell or you will die. Don't tell or we will kill everyone you love. If you tell, no one will believe you. If you tell, they will lock you up forever. We are watching your every move and know when you tell. So you can see going to see a therapist becomes a terrifying decision.

Setting up my websites and blogs to "tell" has triggered some residual horror. Consciously I know it is good telling. The world needs to know. Have others figured this out before? If so, I haven't seen it. Having come from that world full circle to helping others out of that world, I have my own insight plus knowledge from clients that connected my own dots. I have the unabashed truth. The most protected groups of organized pedophilia are the cults who appear to "worship Satan". The pedophile view is that they have created memories so horrific, the survivor, in remembering, will never get to the underlying level of messages that it was about perverted people hurting children in the most vile of ways.

And now the nation has been embroiled in an argument about whether ritual abuse or satanic cults exist and not getting to the underlying truth that it is about organized pedophiles ensuring their victims never tell or will never be believed. That's a huge "telling". I find it ironic that they did to the nation's mindset what they do to a child's mindset--keep everyone stuck at the unbelievable and unimaginable. "People don't DO that to children!" Well, pedophiles do.

Even though I am substantially healed, as I move through the rest of my life, I encounter new situations when it becomes apparent that something hasn't healed yet because it becomes "triggered". A trigger is anything in the environment that connects to a subconscious fear. Of course, once a person begins to identify their triggers, they are no longer subconscious. Even though known, it may take years to extinguish a trigger. Some of mine have extinguished. Some are controlled. And some still get that lovely startle scream. But the "do not tell" message, for me, has come up as body memories as much as internal messages of fear. The Body Remembers is a book I highly recommend to understand this aspect of healing abuse. The body has memory cells just as the brain does. Research has been released on this topic and is validated by several books and articles on the subject.

From the day I published Forbidden Topic, my body responded with several signs of remembered horror to include insect bites while confined in a small space and inability to move or scream to stop the pain of rising blisters in extremely painful and hidden areas of my body from cigarette burns. I had not realized the message that went with those memories was not to tell until now. Several messages usually accompany that level of especially "demonic" abuse. I don't know if my body will ever be able to stop showing me. It could be a self punishment my body was conditioned to perpetrate on me--if you tell, you'll be burned with cigarettes in the most painful areas.

Do I remember that being done to me? No. Do I believe it was done to me? Yes. Does it matter if anyone else believes it was done to me? No. Is it important for me to know so I can heal? Yes. But it is important for society to believe that organized pedophiles abuse in unimaginable ways. They can and do inflict horror for the purpose of trauma for the purpose of creating and reinforcing dissociative states to allow their activities to go on for years. I was recently made aware of a court decision outlining some of a sadistic pedophile's activities. This may be triggering to survivors. It is proof of the incomprehensible to a child.

Wake up, America. Hear me roar. Hear that children everywhere are prey, especially babies and youngsters before the age of six. Tyler, my client whom I worked with when he was 5-6 years old, remembered it all. I don't know how he didn't dissociate. Not dissociating (which is not the child's choice) allowed him to be believed. The same horrors that happened to him happen to those who have dissociated. Yet we choose to ignore their pleas for help? Think about it. Also think about the statistic that of children who die from abuse, the most deaths are for children under 5. Dissociation IS a survival skill.