Defining Moments on the Road to Healing

Healing from DID sucks. It’s one mindbender after another coming out of the muck of subconsciousness and flopping into reality. Those of us in that journey are left figuring out what to do with the crap that just landed in our heads.

My journey is into its 14th year and I am still being stunned. I decided to share my most defining moments (i.e. the ones most difficult to accept and process and move on). This sharing is meant to help educate those with loved ones trudging through the muck to a more healed place and perhaps let survivors who are on the road to healing feel validated.

#1 My father sexually abused me. It is freakish to have a memory of something that has been hidden within amnesia for more than four decades. But when that first memory surfaced, it made complete sense of all the blanks in my therapy up to that point. The sexual dysfunction that kicked in shortly after each of my marriages…the resistance I felt to working on the resistance…the seeming jealousy my father had for my teenage boyfriends that sometimes ended in rage directed at me.
For me, learning I had DID was a relief which is a vastly different response from most. However, the two following defining moments created within me the response most have to learning they have DID.

#2 My father took me to graveyards where people were chanting. I had never heard the words “ritual abuse” before but was certain what I was remembering was true after diving into research about it cross-referenced with my own conscious timeline. I was still thinking he was just a sociopath and I got dragged into his world. Learning the government was part of some of the cults unnerved me because he was career military.

#3 The most shocking realization is the bigger picture. I was intentionally made DID through a government sanctioned program…likely MK-Ultra which went underground after the Senate hearings in the 70s. Understanding how our government condoned the kind of trauma/torture/horror I was remembering to create dissociation and alters just leaves me speechless. What else can one say? It’s evil. It’s licensed pedophilia at its most benign.

And it was after THAT realization that I came to the ever haunting: Who am I really and what was my reality if the life I remember was only the “cover story”. Everything at that moment becomes a lie: family, relationships, ability to trust. Who is safe to turn to for help? It’s shocking and terrifying.

"They spun a web for me." Coldplay, Trouble

#4 I met other survivors of government abuse (which included ritual abuse) online through a support group. I was blessed to meet most of the people from that group in person at a conference in 1998. Some remain my friends today. It was in that group that some shared memories of Mengele. I chose to believe that another abuser used Mengele’s name to make it more unbelievable. I was raised Jewish and the thought of that Nazi’s hands being near me made my blood curdle.

Through research I learned of Operation Paperclip and had validation that Mengele was part of that ushering of Nazis to the U.S. and other havens in exchange for their “knowledge” gained from their experiments in medicine (at the concentration camps) as well as rocket science. I also continued my then quest of acquiring and watching every video I could find on the perp names that came up for me. Many of my collages pointed to Mengele but still no memories surfaced. It was my second or third video on Mengele’s life that included a clip of him singing a song. When I heard it, I can’t explain the horror and chaos that happened within my being. It took weeks to settle down from knowing I was not only in his presence but he had touched me, hurt me, and programmed me…early childhood programming. It still curdles my blood.

Once I accepted I was an intentionally made multiple by my own government with my father’s approval and active involvement, programmed to do the bidding of the government, primarily covert and possibly illegal activities, the rest was undoing what was done to me. There was sort of a “same old, same old” feel to finding programming and dismantling through the help of insiders and freeing the alters  connected to it. I was surprised at how much self-destruct programming I ran into, but it was not a defining moment. With the help of my therapist, we undid anything that came up. I was very proud that I had healed to integration in 2003 without any hospitalizations.

I was proud to earn my Masters in Counseling and went to work immediately. Most who follow me know of my short-lived psychotherapist career due to extreme medical issues from 2007 to 2008 which caused me to be on disability. It also created a setback in my integration and alters began appearing again. All was going smoothly with that aspect of healing until defining moment #5.

#5 News of father’s death in early February compounded with my existing level of depression at the time. His death triggered a program unknown to me, although I now see it in many collages on Polyvore over the past years but had no idea what I was seeing. The program first went off on March 10 when I watched myself overdose on four handfuls of pills interrupted by my partner who called 911. It happened so quickly it made my head spin.

In the few days after discharge from the hospital to be seen by a facility specializing in dissociation, my Polyvore sets revealed the overdose was the first in a chain reaction of suicide methods meant to be implemented by alters still loyal to the abusers until their mission was accomplished. I was terrified to be in my own body. I felt environmentally safe at the trauma center but believed my body could stop my heart or create an aneurysm. It took nearly two weeks at the center before the programming was disarmed.

The truly defining point of all of that was recently realizing I was only three years old when the groundwork to that program was put in place. It was 1955 and my father’s death was 55 years later which also freaked me out. Father’s death or 55 years after “installing” the program, whichever came first? Perhaps I had a double whammy that both happened in the same year.
Regardless, I watched myself swallow those pills and didn’t fight back. That will always stay with me.

While take pills apparently didn’t have me fighting for my life, the methods of suicide that went with the other alters in line terrified me. I had thought I was fine from the time of realizing the extent of the program to seeing my therapist again to undo it. But it went off and bam I was in the hospital. Am still reeling. Even though I know I am now safe, my worst fear did come true. I can hope all is dismantled. Another program went off after I was discharged but my therapist and I successfully stopped it. Now the parts are healing and telling me more of my programming history. And I realized today it is two days shy of 5/5. It all means something. Am confident that second program that surfaced after discharge had a “deadline” of 5/5. Thank you to my alters who chose not to die and helped me with the information to stop it.

Is there more? If so, can it possibly be stronger? I have to believe all is well and believe in my healing abilities to tell me otherwise If the time comes. As defining and awful as these moments during the journey have been, they have not defined me. I am not the evil they wanted me to be. The journey is not over and I am waiting for a new antidepressant to kick in so I’m still having passive suicidal thoughts but once actively suicidal alters are healing. Yes, healing sucks, but I am going to Paris next Spring. And of my own free will. Guess I can’t ask for more than that. There can be good in life with DID.

Mickey Mouse

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

While I've known Mickey Mouse went with programming, I also realized my Mickey Mouse "alter" always appeared next to something that was bad. That might explain my affinity for Mickey Mouse watches. I own three beautiful ones but haven't worn a watch in years. Time was definitely bad. I wasn't supposed to pay attention to time.

Collages from early healing show much of Fight Club. Several recent collages had the Fight Club theme as well. This morning I did a collage starting with images of a little girl I've been referring to as "gun girl". What I learned was "my" Fight Club was the Mickey Mouse Club and that programming went with self destruction, Deer Hunter style. Whew. Was relieved to see that the alter who seemed to be about to heal from Fight Club trauma was also completely healed from the Mickey Mouse programming.

Collaging has been ongoing more than two months. Production has increased lately. I know I'm "flooding". The collages are containing the flooding. Flooding is a term for when so much amnestic information comes up at once, it can stop functioning...it overwhelms the mind. The control mechanism is this: It feels as if there is a line in front of me, each awaiting their turn to collage. All are polite. The one "out front" takes as much time as needed to complete his or her collage. I am in the background and barely break from collage mode unless I have an external interruption.

Initially I thought it was natural outcome of the Jane and Ellie fusion. My deeper understanding is they never should have been able to fuse. Jane and all of her systems and Ellie and all of what were her systems are now free to heal all who have been "undone" but trapped inside. Jane only knew part of the programming and Ellie knew the rest. I have done several collages each from a different alter's perspective. It's fascinating, exhausting, enlightening, and frightening. Has anyone else healed to this point?

I understand the birth and life focus was to establish, "nurture", and maintain a strong male identity system. I am beginning to see some of the ways I was used that have come up before. Aside from exploitation for monetary reasons, it is believed in many cultures that reaching a level of higher consciousness is most valuable. The sick people who deliberately dissociate children with access to technology are well aware of this and want to tap into that plane of consciousness. A former Nazi scientist living in the U.S. post war (Montauk, NY), wrote extensively about Orgone Energy--the energy derived when the body reaches orgasm. Abusers had a "justification" for sexually abusing their young victims in addition to pedophilia. The more orgasms, the more "mind power" could be achieved by a child and eventually an adult. Wilhelm Reich. Most literature on the occult refers to such efforts to reach higher levels of consciousness. This goes along with MK-Ultra funding to seek hallucinogenic mushrooms and frogs. It was highly valued.

This has been going on for centuries--not just generations. My saving grace is my best friend whom I met at grad school. With no trauma in her life, she focused on developing her intuition and learned to tap into her inner wisdom. It's available to all of us. Trauma was never necessary to create that ability. Our government and the organized pedophilia groups with this knowledge want to be able to use it for purposes that benefit only them. The elite. I dearly hope the true elite of this country one day come tumbling down and allow reason and sanity and goodness to rule the world.

I embrace my own powers of healing energy and goodness and see that as a gift even though it was gained through trauma. I also believe the abusers in my life did so well in developing my higher gifts of power, they might be afraid of me. At least it's a comforting thought to me in my moments of paranoia. It's what I hang onto when I think the next collage is going to have the secret police hauling me to a not-yet-closed secret CIA prison.

FWIW, Peter Pan is safe now too.


Mickey Mouse Programming - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Layers and layers

Whatever happened in my dissociated life was so well orchestrated and obviously tested for years before "they" were successful with it. Since technology was part of creating my internal world, it is likely from personal accounts that the really sophisticated government or private institutions involved in the child exploitation "factories" began in the 50s. I have met survivors that recall being "demos" or experimental models for new programming or enhancing existing program. My memory is of no mistakes. They did it right.

The national mindset of the Cold War (and I question the concept of a Cold War at all), was mind control and higher levels of intelligence to tap into other realms of the brain were desired traits in someone who would not remember. That means highly influential people sat around discussing engineering (?) plans for implementing something like Dragonfly? I don't know for certain it was called Dragonfly. I think just being born into the Operation Paperclip/Nazi/U.S. cooperation environment led me down their predetermined path.

The answers I'm getting are so intricate. Many layers of programming over the years. I'm seeing many collages breaking down the layers to see how and where they connect; how elements of Wizard of Oz and Alice and Wonderland cross over to create my internal "flip system" for a strong male gender identity. I wish I knew if anyone else has gotten such detail about the trauma aspect and the unraveling of their handiwork. The information I don't have and don't ever want is how they actually made it work.

The release I'm feeling that all is completely undone is good. Awhile ago I explained that the fusion was between Ellie (who had integrated inside of me) and Jane (who had all her core parts integrated into her). My sense is that Jane and Ellie (now completely fused) are catching up on their lives since being apart since about age 3. The brain connections are being made so quickly. Much programming, referred to as split brain programming, is now healing because of this communication between Jane and Ellie. The collages are their way of showing me their sharing. Am feeling a bit like odd man out and wonder if there won't be yet another fusion down the road where I become part of "knowing" what I'm now seeing.

I was known as polyfragmented so am not surprised at how many steps of healing I'm finding. I am happy that I do keep healing and it keeps taking me to a better place overall. If I wanted to write a fictional story about a child who was part of the known government program MK-Ultra and followed their dissociated life, I would not understand completely. I get that world. I get that my father was part of that world and part of that Army and part of that Military Intelligence. The invisibility and unbelievability remain the biggest battles to bring the major child protection organizations on board...assuming the child protection organizations have that as a genuine goal. Can't help but be a little skeptical with what was my life. Maybe someone from the Obama administration will peek into this? Ask Joe Biden! His name is on the documents. He KNOWS!