Recently I posted about a medication change that was not explained fully and apparently was in a manner that caused concern. I apologize for those who may have felt that way. My personal reality is that I am on medications for several physical conditions. Except for an antidepressant, I take little else for anxiety symptoms. My main medication for depression is Cymbalta. I've been at the maximum dosage for two years (120 mg/day). I had been trying an adjunct antidepressant in much smaller doses because it seemed as if I had become more depressed. I had been working with my psychiatrist on the adjunct meds which weren't working.
When I met with him last week, I spoke of feeling overly dosed since, logically, I was not nearly as depressed now as I was when I was in the midst of surgeries and a body falling apart and not working correctly. I was indeed a mess in 2008. My dose before all that happened was just 30 mg/day of Cymbalta. I asked if I could begin cutting back 30 mg for a two week period and then another 30 mg to see if I might stabilize at 60 mg.
He agreed it was worth a try. I've been on 90 mg a day for five days and yesterday I began to feel lighter. We both agreed the adjunct stuff was not working and was just causing me to deal with side effects each time I tried something new. But I never touched the dosage of my main Cymbalta without speaking to him first.
I am hopeful 60 mg will be my new daily maintenance dosage which would also allow room if I ever do need to go up a notch or so due to life circumstances rather than trying a second medication.
Most who are trauma survivors seem to be medication jugglers. I've just found that my intuition is often right and I find doctors who allow me to try what I sense to be right. We both know if I start to crash, it's not the right decision.
Because of what happened to me in 2007, I have learned to be a much more proactive patient. And I encourage all patients of any doctor to be knowledgeable in what is going on with their care and why/what medications are going to do. Speaking up doesn't come easily to many trauma survivors, but your medical care is a place where I believe it to be essential.
Oct 17, 2010
Oct 4, 2010
Trauma vs. Trauma
In my Believe the Children blog, I speak of Tyler who was trapped in the underworld of pedophilia by primary caregivers and their extended network for nearly two years. Recently I began to work with him again...my only client who I see in his home since I have no office or plans to return to trauma work. Since my disability began in 2008, Tyler had not received appropriate treatment for PTSD. He dissociated very little of the abuse and remembers most of what happened.
Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.
I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.
Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.
DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.
Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.
Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.
Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.
Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.
The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.
Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.
How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.
Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.
I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.
Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.
DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.
Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.
Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.
Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.
Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.
The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.
Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.
How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.
Oct 3, 2010
New Motivation for Writing
While spending time on Facebook I've come to know others with blogs who have healed to help others. In addition, I have met other survivors still in the struggle. One blog in particular, Emerging from Broken, has ignited new thoughts or reignited past thoughts on my experiences.
In following child protection organizations I have a renewed interest in compiling a book on how to spot children who might be under the control of a pedophile. The earlier we can spot the victims, the sooner the abusers can be put in jail and more children can be saved. Just today saw news about a male teacher who had 70 victims before his recent arrest. This is an unacceptable toll.
The entire child protection services system needs to be revamped to support the protection and healing as new victims are found. I can help with early identification if I had an interested audience. Agencies like PROTECT are being quite proactive in going after legislation and changing the old system.
So many hands are needed for this endeavor. Otherwise, the pedophile rings flourish in secrecy taking more and more victims and ensuring future generations of the same.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed by the problem, but if we each do what we know we can do, it can happen. Early identification, protection, and support for victims of pedophile rings who are usually born into that world...invisible to trained tactics for children abused outside the home.
In following child protection organizations I have a renewed interest in compiling a book on how to spot children who might be under the control of a pedophile. The earlier we can spot the victims, the sooner the abusers can be put in jail and more children can be saved. Just today saw news about a male teacher who had 70 victims before his recent arrest. This is an unacceptable toll.
The entire child protection services system needs to be revamped to support the protection and healing as new victims are found. I can help with early identification if I had an interested audience. Agencies like PROTECT are being quite proactive in going after legislation and changing the old system.
So many hands are needed for this endeavor. Otherwise, the pedophile rings flourish in secrecy taking more and more victims and ensuring future generations of the same.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed by the problem, but if we each do what we know we can do, it can happen. Early identification, protection, and support for victims of pedophile rings who are usually born into that world...invisible to trained tactics for children abused outside the home.
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