Since 1997 I have been getting and processing pieces of my life. I have a broad picture of the sophisticated "mind games" used by organized pedophiles to keep a child in a constant state of fear...to learn to avoid relationships...to always fear death at any moment. The first layers of memories about people who were "killed" were memories of littles who were easily tricked. The next layer told me that those whom I thought were killed were living relatives or family friends. Lies on top of lies.
In the early 2000s, my maternal uncle came up hugely in my memories and totally stunned me. My favorite uncle. I felt it had been confirmed by one of my earliest collages which had words directly connected with him. So I kept all ties to him severed as well as the rest of my family.
I followed his career online. He is renowned in his field. I wanted to get in touch with him but was still fearful. I had sworn Mengele could not possibly have been part of my abuse until the day I heard his voice on a biography video. That threw me into a triggered fetal state for hours. So I downloaded a podcast my uncle had made. It took several months before I finally listened. He had the same calming, gentle, loving voice I remembered. Nothing about me responded with fear.
I did send an email without revealing my current name...still afraid he might possibly inform "them" and someone would whisk me away never to be heard from again. Fast-forward to yesterday after my uncle and I exchanged several emails. I feel so much emotion. The love I feel for him that was never able to surface and the anger at having missed out on having a loving part of family for nearly 15 years.
Today I found my cousins online and feel a new sense of connection. Not so isolated in one aspect of my life. What about the memories that pointed to my uncle? Knowing the tricks, pedophiles will use the name of a deceased or safe family member for an abuser. A mind connection is made between the safe uncle, for instance, and whomever the real abuser was...likely another male relative with how my memories have gone.
Programming to push away close relationships combined with use of his name made sure I had no safe family member. Am glad I learned of the lies and made the connection with him. He has had an amazing life and I had always been so proud of him. Now instead of thinking he was somehow helping the bad guys in the world of science, I can just be proud of him again.
Guess it takes peeling back all the layers of programming and fear to reconnect with any family after knowing multi-generational abuse was likely on both sides of the family. But not always. Evil father could have "molded" my mother since she was only 19 when she married. *sigh* A lot to process.