This post is inspired by a discussion on Facebook today along with a discussion I had in real life earlier today with my aquatherapist. She has a two-year-old son. Recently she and her husband took their son to the Baltimore Aquarium...also a sea of children running around. At one point she noticed her husband was not holding their son's hand because the child wanted to run ahead to another exhibit. My therapist immediately gathered up her child and explained to her husband that the Aquarium was the perfect breeding ground for a pedophile and they were not going to let go of their son.
This is what I have been saying in another way. We have to think like a pedophile to protect our children. They look like anyone else and they get along splendidly with children. Am recalling an Oprah show where a well liked neighbor had molested many of the neighborhood children including his own.
The State Departments of Children Services (DCS) are generally understaffed and underfunded. Neighbors need to be better neighbors and not give up even if DCS has visited and found no wrong doing. A story in the news today tells of diligent neighbors who kept complaining until proper intervention was made and two young children were pulled from a home of filth and squalor.
If it's a popular place for children, time to tighten up parental supervision. The good guys need to be their own police and we need a reliable enforcement system for when parents are being abusive. A community-driven child safety organization...that is also willing to look within its own ranks.
Sep 21, 2010
Aug 30, 2010
Safe Family
Since 1997 I have been getting and processing pieces of my life. I have a broad picture of the sophisticated "mind games" used by organized pedophiles to keep a child in a constant state of fear...to learn to avoid relationships...to always fear death at any moment. The first layers of memories about people who were "killed" were memories of littles who were easily tricked. The next layer told me that those whom I thought were killed were living relatives or family friends. Lies on top of lies.
In the early 2000s, my maternal uncle came up hugely in my memories and totally stunned me. My favorite uncle. I felt it had been confirmed by one of my earliest collages which had words directly connected with him. So I kept all ties to him severed as well as the rest of my family.
I followed his career online. He is renowned in his field. I wanted to get in touch with him but was still fearful. I had sworn Mengele could not possibly have been part of my abuse until the day I heard his voice on a biography video. That threw me into a triggered fetal state for hours. So I downloaded a podcast my uncle had made. It took several months before I finally listened. He had the same calming, gentle, loving voice I remembered. Nothing about me responded with fear.
I did send an email without revealing my current name...still afraid he might possibly inform "them" and someone would whisk me away never to be heard from again. Fast-forward to yesterday after my uncle and I exchanged several emails. I feel so much emotion. The love I feel for him that was never able to surface and the anger at having missed out on having a loving part of family for nearly 15 years.
Today I found my cousins online and feel a new sense of connection. Not so isolated in one aspect of my life. What about the memories that pointed to my uncle? Knowing the tricks, pedophiles will use the name of a deceased or safe family member for an abuser. A mind connection is made between the safe uncle, for instance, and whomever the real abuser was...likely another male relative with how my memories have gone.
Programming to push away close relationships combined with use of his name made sure I had no safe family member. Am glad I learned of the lies and made the connection with him. He has had an amazing life and I had always been so proud of him. Now instead of thinking he was somehow helping the bad guys in the world of science, I can just be proud of him again.
Guess it takes peeling back all the layers of programming and fear to reconnect with any family after knowing multi-generational abuse was likely on both sides of the family. But not always. Evil father could have "molded" my mother since she was only 19 when she married. *sigh* A lot to process.
In the early 2000s, my maternal uncle came up hugely in my memories and totally stunned me. My favorite uncle. I felt it had been confirmed by one of my earliest collages which had words directly connected with him. So I kept all ties to him severed as well as the rest of my family.
I followed his career online. He is renowned in his field. I wanted to get in touch with him but was still fearful. I had sworn Mengele could not possibly have been part of my abuse until the day I heard his voice on a biography video. That threw me into a triggered fetal state for hours. So I downloaded a podcast my uncle had made. It took several months before I finally listened. He had the same calming, gentle, loving voice I remembered. Nothing about me responded with fear.
I did send an email without revealing my current name...still afraid he might possibly inform "them" and someone would whisk me away never to be heard from again. Fast-forward to yesterday after my uncle and I exchanged several emails. I feel so much emotion. The love I feel for him that was never able to surface and the anger at having missed out on having a loving part of family for nearly 15 years.
Today I found my cousins online and feel a new sense of connection. Not so isolated in one aspect of my life. What about the memories that pointed to my uncle? Knowing the tricks, pedophiles will use the name of a deceased or safe family member for an abuser. A mind connection is made between the safe uncle, for instance, and whomever the real abuser was...likely another male relative with how my memories have gone.
Programming to push away close relationships combined with use of his name made sure I had no safe family member. Am glad I learned of the lies and made the connection with him. He has had an amazing life and I had always been so proud of him. Now instead of thinking he was somehow helping the bad guys in the world of science, I can just be proud of him again.
Guess it takes peeling back all the layers of programming and fear to reconnect with any family after knowing multi-generational abuse was likely on both sides of the family. But not always. Evil father could have "molded" my mother since she was only 19 when she married. *sigh* A lot to process.
Jun 25, 2010
Ups & Downs of Recovery
The first week of April I began aquatics therapy three times a week. What hurt in "land" therapy, did not hurt in the water. Even though I was sore between sessions, I was able to do the work. We all agreed that I would "ride out" the pain between sessions as long as muscles were building while working out in the pool. Aside from focusing on my one shoulder (the reason for the therapy initially), the pool allowed me to work on rebuilding all muscles that had atrophied while recuperating from all my pelvic prolapse surgeries in 2007-2008.
Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.
The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.
My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.
I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.
I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.
Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.
The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.
My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.
I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.
I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.
Apr 1, 2010
A Look Behind the Healthcare Reform Uproar
This is my opinion based on my personal knowledge of the world of child exploitation and "grooming" children from birth with various types of horrific abuse.
The government is entrenched with people who are involved in and/or who take advantage of the child exploitation underground to satisfy pedophilia or other perverted needs. In addition, a source of funds from the slavery trade and other illicit activities is available. In the public realm, it is documented that very notable wealthy families are highly involved in fueling this "resource".
Republicans behind the "health care is socialism" debate are using health care as an excuse. If health care is changed, at least part of their world comes tumbling down. I was employed at a major health care company when I "woke up" and realized I had been doing something with foreign exchange in an alter state. I doubt I was the only person in that entire organization who appeared perfectly normal but really had DID.
President Obama probably doesn't realize it, but he began a dismantling of that vast secret underground with his health care reform bill. Why would anyone find fair health care a bad thing? It's not. But when it shakes up the solidly implanted world of exploitation, the ones defending their access to perversion and illegal funds can't oppose that.
Most survivors in my age bracket (mid-50s to early 60s) recall at least a few big names which tend to create disbelief. All I will say is that the two high level government people who came up in my memories were Republicans. And several wealthy men from a long line of wealthy generations also came up. Ones who are known to benefit from the U.S. being at war were quite prominent.
Likely many Republicans are following the leader with the party uproar, but until that "old guard" who has been part of the underground since the CIA began the now declassified MK Ultra experiments at the end of the Korean War, health care will be a huge argument. And let's not forget those whom the "old guard" has mentored (bribed) to be involved in that world.
I see the health care reform as good for all Americans and an unintentional great stride in putting a dent in the world of exploitation.
The government is entrenched with people who are involved in and/or who take advantage of the child exploitation underground to satisfy pedophilia or other perverted needs. In addition, a source of funds from the slavery trade and other illicit activities is available. In the public realm, it is documented that very notable wealthy families are highly involved in fueling this "resource".
Republicans behind the "health care is socialism" debate are using health care as an excuse. If health care is changed, at least part of their world comes tumbling down. I was employed at a major health care company when I "woke up" and realized I had been doing something with foreign exchange in an alter state. I doubt I was the only person in that entire organization who appeared perfectly normal but really had DID.
President Obama probably doesn't realize it, but he began a dismantling of that vast secret underground with his health care reform bill. Why would anyone find fair health care a bad thing? It's not. But when it shakes up the solidly implanted world of exploitation, the ones defending their access to perversion and illegal funds can't oppose that.
Most survivors in my age bracket (mid-50s to early 60s) recall at least a few big names which tend to create disbelief. All I will say is that the two high level government people who came up in my memories were Republicans. And several wealthy men from a long line of wealthy generations also came up. Ones who are known to benefit from the U.S. being at war were quite prominent.
Likely many Republicans are following the leader with the party uproar, but until that "old guard" who has been part of the underground since the CIA began the now declassified MK Ultra experiments at the end of the Korean War, health care will be a huge argument. And let's not forget those whom the "old guard" has mentored (bribed) to be involved in that world.
I see the health care reform as good for all Americans and an unintentional great stride in putting a dent in the world of exploitation.
Mar 24, 2010
A Year of Healing
I was just checking my blogs and all seem to be unformatted so I'm fixing them. Was surprised to see my last post was March '09. I've decided fusion is a forever process but it's answers and healing and much more awareness of my conscious environment.
For example, I realize I lose memory when I pass through a doorway...a literal door "jam". It's not quite as bad since I figured it out. Also, I've come to realize I consistently blank out while driving at certain landmarks. Even when I consciously try to remain conscious, someone else drives right by and I miss my turn. Strange world I've lived in. Internal censor my entire life.
The good news is I discovered the very complex world of Alice and my programming related to a distorted Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Oz, and Tinkerbelle. All parts of each were found and a healed Tinkerbelle merged with a healed Alice to undo Oz for me. As moderator of the Polyvore group which includes a large portion of survivors of some level of programming, I see how many have some type of Alice/Tinkerbelle programming. My theory of there being a "perp manual" out there seems to be true.
Will be back to voice my take on the opposition to health care reform. Thought that's what I was going to do right now, but apparently not. Thanks to those who still peek at this blog.
Mar 11, 2009
Pause for personal identification
Time of beauty - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com
Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at Polyvore.com with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.
Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.
Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.
Feb 18, 2009
Fact is stranger than fiction
Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com
In the late 90s, I kept images of my alters in folders as their identities became known to me. ME ("Emmie), female inner wisdom shown at bottom of lower heart, is model Christy Turlington. Michael is actor Edward Burns. He acts and directs. One of his movies was She's the One. I have the article photo spread on him entitled He's the One.
My head felt a rush of new fuzziness after the fusion during therapy. As soon as I got home I began to get images from online of Edward Burns for collages. I was dumbfounded. He and Christy Turlington got married! Sometime in the past five years I think. Well, they are together in me now too. How weird is that?
Am still feeling at the back of the line but feel as if all who had been trapped in Ellie's male system before the fusion are out with a shorter line. But now that both halves of Ellie are reunited, I'm sure more answers will be coming. Many collages are showing programming even though I don't know what the programming did. My story is coming out from the perspective of the parts of me who lived it and I do have a greater understanding of that trauma life. What I don't understand is how anyone survives such trauma. The more I heal, the more I wonder why I am here on this earth.
I'm going on three months of collaging instead of flooding with a new surge yesterday. Although yesterday wasn't hoards of trapped ballerinas and traumatized she-males. It was just Michael. Who am I right now? I'm fuzzy me (at the top of the collage), my inner child parts, and my male and female inner wisdoms (ME and my Ian Fleming). Not as crowded...
Feb 9, 2009
Mickey Mouse
Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com
While I've known Mickey Mouse went with programming, I also realized my Mickey Mouse "alter" always appeared next to something that was bad. That might explain my affinity for Mickey Mouse watches. I own three beautiful ones but haven't worn a watch in years. Time was definitely bad. I wasn't supposed to pay attention to time.
Collages from early healing show much of Fight Club. Several recent collages had the Fight Club theme as well. This morning I did a collage starting with images of a little girl I've been referring to as "gun girl". What I learned was "my" Fight Club was the Mickey Mouse Club and that programming went with self destruction, Deer Hunter style. Whew. Was relieved to see that the alter who seemed to be about to heal from Fight Club trauma was also completely healed from the Mickey Mouse programming.
Collaging has been ongoing more than two months. Production has increased lately. I know I'm "flooding". The collages are containing the flooding. Flooding is a term for when so much amnestic information comes up at once, it can stop functioning...it overwhelms the mind. The control mechanism is this: It feels as if there is a line in front of me, each awaiting their turn to collage. All are polite. The one "out front" takes as much time as needed to complete his or her collage. I am in the background and barely break from collage mode unless I have an external interruption.
Initially I thought it was natural outcome of the Jane and Ellie fusion. My deeper understanding is they never should have been able to fuse. Jane and all of her systems and Ellie and all of what were her systems are now free to heal all who have been "undone" but trapped inside. Jane only knew part of the programming and Ellie knew the rest. I have done several collages each from a different alter's perspective. It's fascinating, exhausting, enlightening, and frightening. Has anyone else healed to this point?
I understand the birth and life focus was to establish, "nurture", and maintain a strong male identity system. I am beginning to see some of the ways I was used that have come up before. Aside from exploitation for monetary reasons, it is believed in many cultures that reaching a level of higher consciousness is most valuable. The sick people who deliberately dissociate children with access to technology are well aware of this and want to tap into that plane of consciousness. A former Nazi scientist living in the U.S. post war (Montauk, NY), wrote extensively about Orgone Energy--the energy derived when the body reaches orgasm. Abusers had a "justification" for sexually abusing their young victims in addition to pedophilia. The more orgasms, the more "mind power" could be achieved by a child and eventually an adult. Wilhelm Reich. Most literature on the occult refers to such efforts to reach higher levels of consciousness. This goes along with MK-Ultra funding to seek hallucinogenic mushrooms and frogs. It was highly valued.
This has been going on for centuries--not just generations. My saving grace is my best friend whom I met at grad school. With no trauma in her life, she focused on developing her intuition and learned to tap into her inner wisdom. It's available to all of us. Trauma was never necessary to create that ability. Our government and the organized pedophilia groups with this knowledge want to be able to use it for purposes that benefit only them. The elite. I dearly hope the true elite of this country one day come tumbling down and allow reason and sanity and goodness to rule the world.
I embrace my own powers of healing energy and goodness and see that as a gift even though it was gained through trauma. I also believe the abusers in my life did so well in developing my higher gifts of power, they might be afraid of me. At least it's a comforting thought to me in my moments of paranoia. It's what I hang onto when I think the next collage is going to have the secret police hauling me to a not-yet-closed secret CIA prison.
FWIW, Peter Pan is safe now too.
Mickey Mouse Programming - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com
Feb 3, 2009
Layers and layers
Whatever happened in my dissociated life was so well orchestrated and obviously tested for years before "they" were successful with it. Since technology was part of creating my internal world, it is likely from personal accounts that the really sophisticated government or private institutions involved in the child exploitation "factories" began in the 50s. I have met survivors that recall being "demos" or experimental models for new programming or enhancing existing program. My memory is of no mistakes. They did it right.
The national mindset of the Cold War (and I question the concept of a Cold War at all), was mind control and higher levels of intelligence to tap into other realms of the brain were desired traits in someone who would not remember. That means highly influential people sat around discussing engineering (?) plans for implementing something like Dragonfly? I don't know for certain it was called Dragonfly. I think just being born into the Operation Paperclip/Nazi/U.S. cooperation environment led me down their predetermined path.
The answers I'm getting are so intricate. Many layers of programming over the years. I'm seeing many collages breaking down the layers to see how and where they connect; how elements of Wizard of Oz and Alice and Wonderland cross over to create my internal "flip system" for a strong male gender identity. I wish I knew if anyone else has gotten such detail about the trauma aspect and the unraveling of their handiwork. The information I don't have and don't ever want is how they actually made it work.
The release I'm feeling that all is completely undone is good. Awhile ago I explained that the fusion was between Ellie (who had integrated inside of me) and Jane (who had all her core parts integrated into her). My sense is that Jane and Ellie (now completely fused) are catching up on their lives since being apart since about age 3. The brain connections are being made so quickly. Much programming, referred to as split brain programming, is now healing because of this communication between Jane and Ellie. The collages are their way of showing me their sharing. Am feeling a bit like odd man out and wonder if there won't be yet another fusion down the road where I become part of "knowing" what I'm now seeing.
I was known as polyfragmented so am not surprised at how many steps of healing I'm finding. I am happy that I do keep healing and it keeps taking me to a better place overall. If I wanted to write a fictional story about a child who was part of the known government program MK-Ultra and followed their dissociated life, I would not understand completely. I get that world. I get that my father was part of that world and part of that Army and part of that Military Intelligence. The invisibility and unbelievability remain the biggest battles to bring the major child protection organizations on board...assuming the child protection organizations have that as a genuine goal. Can't help but be a little skeptical with what was my life. Maybe someone from the Obama administration will peek into this? Ask Joe Biden! His name is on the documents. He KNOWS!
The national mindset of the Cold War (and I question the concept of a Cold War at all), was mind control and higher levels of intelligence to tap into other realms of the brain were desired traits in someone who would not remember. That means highly influential people sat around discussing engineering (?) plans for implementing something like Dragonfly? I don't know for certain it was called Dragonfly. I think just being born into the Operation Paperclip/Nazi/U.S. cooperation environment led me down their predetermined path.
The answers I'm getting are so intricate. Many layers of programming over the years. I'm seeing many collages breaking down the layers to see how and where they connect; how elements of Wizard of Oz and Alice and Wonderland cross over to create my internal "flip system" for a strong male gender identity. I wish I knew if anyone else has gotten such detail about the trauma aspect and the unraveling of their handiwork. The information I don't have and don't ever want is how they actually made it work.
The release I'm feeling that all is completely undone is good. Awhile ago I explained that the fusion was between Ellie (who had integrated inside of me) and Jane (who had all her core parts integrated into her). My sense is that Jane and Ellie (now completely fused) are catching up on their lives since being apart since about age 3. The brain connections are being made so quickly. Much programming, referred to as split brain programming, is now healing because of this communication between Jane and Ellie. The collages are their way of showing me their sharing. Am feeling a bit like odd man out and wonder if there won't be yet another fusion down the road where I become part of "knowing" what I'm now seeing.
I was known as polyfragmented so am not surprised at how many steps of healing I'm finding. I am happy that I do keep healing and it keeps taking me to a better place overall. If I wanted to write a fictional story about a child who was part of the known government program MK-Ultra and followed their dissociated life, I would not understand completely. I get that world. I get that my father was part of that world and part of that Army and part of that Military Intelligence. The invisibility and unbelievability remain the biggest battles to bring the major child protection organizations on board...assuming the child protection organizations have that as a genuine goal. Can't help but be a little skeptical with what was my life. Maybe someone from the Obama administration will peek into this? Ask Joe Biden! His name is on the documents. He KNOWS!
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