Ups & Downs of Recovery

The first week of April I began aquatics therapy three times a week. What hurt in "land" therapy, did not hurt in the water. Even though I was sore between sessions, I was able to do the work. We all agreed that I would "ride out" the pain between sessions as long as muscles were building while working out in the pool. Aside from focusing on my one shoulder (the reason for the therapy initially), the pool allowed me to work on rebuilding all muscles that had atrophied while recuperating from all my pelvic prolapse surgeries in 2007-2008.

Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.

The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.

My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.

I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.

I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.

A Look Behind the Healthcare Reform Uproar

This is my opinion based on my personal knowledge of the world of child exploitation and "grooming" children from birth with various types of horrific abuse.

The government is entrenched with people who are involved in and/or who take advantage of the child exploitation underground to satisfy pedophilia or other perverted needs. In addition, a source of funds from the slavery trade and other illicit activities is available. In the public realm, it is documented that very notable wealthy families are highly involved in fueling this "resource".

Republicans behind the "health care is socialism" debate are using health care as an excuse. If health care is changed, at least part of their world comes tumbling down. I was employed at a major health care company when I "woke up" and realized I had been doing something with foreign exchange in an alter state. I doubt I was the only person in that entire organization who appeared perfectly normal but really had DID.

President Obama probably doesn't realize it, but he began a dismantling of that vast secret underground with his health care reform bill. Why would anyone find fair health care a bad thing? It's not. But when it shakes up the solidly implanted world of exploitation, the ones defending their access to perversion and illegal funds can't oppose that.

Most survivors in my age bracket (mid-50s to early 60s) recall at least a few big names which tend to create disbelief. All I will say is that the two high level government people who came up in my memories were Republicans. And several wealthy men from a long line of wealthy generations also came up. Ones who are known to benefit from the U.S. being at war were quite prominent.

Likely many Republicans are following the leader with the party uproar, but until that "old guard" who has been part of the underground since the CIA began the now declassified MK Ultra experiments at the end of the Korean War, health care will be a huge argument. And let's not forget those whom the "old guard" has mentored (bribed) to be involved in that world.

I see the health care reform as good for all Americans and an unintentional great stride in putting a dent in the world of exploitation.

Do & Forget (for blog) by grace2244 (Gallery this week) on Polyvore.com

A Year of Healing

Leaving Oz by grace2244 (on tag break) on Polyvore.com

I was just checking my blogs and all seem to be unformatted so I'm fixing them. Was surprised to see my last post was March '09. I've decided fusion is a forever process but it's answers and healing and much more awareness of my conscious environment.

For example, I realize I lose memory when I pass through a doorway...a literal door "jam". It's not quite as bad since I figured it out. Also, I've come to realize I consistently blank out while driving at certain landmarks. Even when I consciously try to remain conscious, someone else drives right by and I miss my turn. Strange world I've lived in. Internal censor my entire life.

The good news is I discovered the very complex world of Alice and my programming related to a distorted Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Oz, and Tinkerbelle. All parts of each were found and a healed Tinkerbelle merged with a healed Alice to undo Oz for me. As moderator of the Polyvore group which includes a large portion of survivors of some level of programming, I see how many have some type of Alice/Tinkerbelle programming. My theory of there being a "perp manual" out there seems to be true.

Will be back to voice my take on the opposition to health care reform. Thought that's what I was going to do right now, but apparently not. Thanks to those who still peek at this blog.

Pause for personal identification

Time of beauty - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at Polyvore.com with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.

Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.

Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.

Fact is stranger than fiction

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

In the late 90s, I kept images of my alters in folders as their identities became known to me. ME ("Emmie), female inner wisdom shown at bottom of lower heart, is model Christy Turlington. Michael is actor Edward Burns. He acts and directs. One of his movies was She's the One. I have the article photo spread on him entitled He's the One.

My head felt a rush of new fuzziness after the fusion during therapy. As soon as I got home I began to get images from online of Edward Burns for collages. I was dumbfounded. He and Christy Turlington got married! Sometime in the past five years I think. Well, they are together in me now too. How weird is that?

Am still feeling at the back of the line but feel as if all who had been trapped in Ellie's male system before the fusion are out with a shorter line. But now that both halves of Ellie are reunited, I'm sure more answers will be coming. Many collages are showing programming even though I don't know what the programming did. My story is coming out from the perspective of the parts of me who lived it and I do have a greater understanding of that trauma life. What I don't understand is how anyone survives such trauma. The more I heal, the more I wonder why I am here on this earth.

I'm going on three months of collaging instead of flooding with a new surge yesterday. Although yesterday wasn't hoards of trapped ballerinas and traumatized she-males. It was just Michael. Who am I right now? I'm fuzzy me (at the top of the collage), my inner child parts, and my male and female inner wisdoms (ME and my Ian Fleming). Not as crowded...

Mickey Mouse

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

While I've known Mickey Mouse went with programming, I also realized my Mickey Mouse "alter" always appeared next to something that was bad. That might explain my affinity for Mickey Mouse watches. I own three beautiful ones but haven't worn a watch in years. Time was definitely bad. I wasn't supposed to pay attention to time.

Collages from early healing show much of Fight Club. Several recent collages had the Fight Club theme as well. This morning I did a collage starting with images of a little girl I've been referring to as "gun girl". What I learned was "my" Fight Club was the Mickey Mouse Club and that programming went with self destruction, Deer Hunter style. Whew. Was relieved to see that the alter who seemed to be about to heal from Fight Club trauma was also completely healed from the Mickey Mouse programming.

Collaging has been ongoing more than two months. Production has increased lately. I know I'm "flooding". The collages are containing the flooding. Flooding is a term for when so much amnestic information comes up at once, it can stop functioning...it overwhelms the mind. The control mechanism is this: It feels as if there is a line in front of me, each awaiting their turn to collage. All are polite. The one "out front" takes as much time as needed to complete his or her collage. I am in the background and barely break from collage mode unless I have an external interruption.

Initially I thought it was natural outcome of the Jane and Ellie fusion. My deeper understanding is they never should have been able to fuse. Jane and all of her systems and Ellie and all of what were her systems are now free to heal all who have been "undone" but trapped inside. Jane only knew part of the programming and Ellie knew the rest. I have done several collages each from a different alter's perspective. It's fascinating, exhausting, enlightening, and frightening. Has anyone else healed to this point?

I understand the birth and life focus was to establish, "nurture", and maintain a strong male identity system. I am beginning to see some of the ways I was used that have come up before. Aside from exploitation for monetary reasons, it is believed in many cultures that reaching a level of higher consciousness is most valuable. The sick people who deliberately dissociate children with access to technology are well aware of this and want to tap into that plane of consciousness. A former Nazi scientist living in the U.S. post war (Montauk, NY), wrote extensively about Orgone Energy--the energy derived when the body reaches orgasm. Abusers had a "justification" for sexually abusing their young victims in addition to pedophilia. The more orgasms, the more "mind power" could be achieved by a child and eventually an adult. Wilhelm Reich. Most literature on the occult refers to such efforts to reach higher levels of consciousness. This goes along with MK-Ultra funding to seek hallucinogenic mushrooms and frogs. It was highly valued.

This has been going on for centuries--not just generations. My saving grace is my best friend whom I met at grad school. With no trauma in her life, she focused on developing her intuition and learned to tap into her inner wisdom. It's available to all of us. Trauma was never necessary to create that ability. Our government and the organized pedophilia groups with this knowledge want to be able to use it for purposes that benefit only them. The elite. I dearly hope the true elite of this country one day come tumbling down and allow reason and sanity and goodness to rule the world.

I embrace my own powers of healing energy and goodness and see that as a gift even though it was gained through trauma. I also believe the abusers in my life did so well in developing my higher gifts of power, they might be afraid of me. At least it's a comforting thought to me in my moments of paranoia. It's what I hang onto when I think the next collage is going to have the secret police hauling me to a not-yet-closed secret CIA prison.

FWIW, Peter Pan is safe now too.


Mickey Mouse Programming - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Layers and layers

Whatever happened in my dissociated life was so well orchestrated and obviously tested for years before "they" were successful with it. Since technology was part of creating my internal world, it is likely from personal accounts that the really sophisticated government or private institutions involved in the child exploitation "factories" began in the 50s. I have met survivors that recall being "demos" or experimental models for new programming or enhancing existing program. My memory is of no mistakes. They did it right.

The national mindset of the Cold War (and I question the concept of a Cold War at all), was mind control and higher levels of intelligence to tap into other realms of the brain were desired traits in someone who would not remember. That means highly influential people sat around discussing engineering (?) plans for implementing something like Dragonfly? I don't know for certain it was called Dragonfly. I think just being born into the Operation Paperclip/Nazi/U.S. cooperation environment led me down their predetermined path.

The answers I'm getting are so intricate. Many layers of programming over the years. I'm seeing many collages breaking down the layers to see how and where they connect; how elements of Wizard of Oz and Alice and Wonderland cross over to create my internal "flip system" for a strong male gender identity. I wish I knew if anyone else has gotten such detail about the trauma aspect and the unraveling of their handiwork. The information I don't have and don't ever want is how they actually made it work.

The release I'm feeling that all is completely undone is good. Awhile ago I explained that the fusion was between Ellie (who had integrated inside of me) and Jane (who had all her core parts integrated into her). My sense is that Jane and Ellie (now completely fused) are catching up on their lives since being apart since about age 3. The brain connections are being made so quickly. Much programming, referred to as split brain programming, is now healing because of this communication between Jane and Ellie. The collages are their way of showing me their sharing. Am feeling a bit like odd man out and wonder if there won't be yet another fusion down the road where I become part of "knowing" what I'm now seeing.

I was known as polyfragmented so am not surprised at how many steps of healing I'm finding. I am happy that I do keep healing and it keeps taking me to a better place overall. If I wanted to write a fictional story about a child who was part of the known government program MK-Ultra and followed their dissociated life, I would not understand completely. I get that world. I get that my father was part of that world and part of that Army and part of that Military Intelligence. The invisibility and unbelievability remain the biggest battles to bring the major child protection organizations on board...assuming the child protection organizations have that as a genuine goal. Can't help but be a little skeptical with what was my life. Maybe someone from the Obama administration will peek into this? Ask Joe Biden! His name is on the documents. He KNOWS!

Can we talk?

Nine days ago I completed a collage depicting Josef Mengele. It took me several days to settle down from doing it. When it became known I was DID and had been in a government program to deliberately create dissociation, that is when I dove into research about common ties of military to CIA to cults (exploited children "business") and Operation Paperclip. I joined a support group to be able to talk about the bizarre memories only to find out many had already done the same research, although I always did my own as back up. First, the collage.


I love you - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Several survivors indicated they had memories of Mengele (a/k/a Dr. Green). We were all in our 40s and 50s then. I couldn't imagine that the U.S. would have allowed Mengele to touch "our country's" children for the purpose of abuse after the holocaust events became known. I was very naive about the country and our history. I had memories of Nazis but wasn't certain of names. Alters have shown me but there will never be proof. Suffice it to say I was in Germany and was around Nazis in several underground locations.

I invite you to do your own research but I'm not going to look up dates again. It's in a huge stash of paper from a decade ago. Secret Agenda is a good start that validates Mengele was a part of Paperclip. He was both in Germany (at least at designated times for programming during my time there) and in the U.S. at various times. Carol Rutz has done extensive research on Mengele's whereabouts disclosed in her book A Nation Betrayed. The possibility he had access to me at birth and before his published death in the 70s, is there. His pictures as an older man were known by my alters. I hadn't known the name though until several years into healing when his pictures from later decades became available on the internet.

My point is I couldn't allow myself to believe Mengele had been anywhere near me and he had not come up in my memories until a year or so into healing. It's also possible that they called each other by famous Nazi names with their M.O. of unbelievability. Numerous survivors recall a Dr. Green and Dr. White. I have few names that come up. My alters gave me images over and over again of people whose identity became known after I saw the real person on a documentary or in an article, along with appropriate holy sh*t triggered response.

With Mengele, I began to hear internal messages that I had been born virtually into his hands. In 1952, Operation Paperclip had begun and Aberdeen Proving Grounds was the primary first stopping point for Nazis being assigned throughout the U.S. at military bases, hospitals, and research facilities. That's where I was born. Videos of Mengele's history show he evaded capture after the war and escaped to another country. However, his vast research on twins made him an "asset" apparently. It's documented that he had worked with the U.S. and his entry and exit was facilitated by our government.

My earliest collages show a single combat boot. Images of Mengele after the war meant nothing to me. It was in the second video I acquired of Mengele that included his voice singing a bit of a song. As soon as I heard his voice, I freaked to the point of not being me. I was way in the background. I was also home alone. I ran into the bathroom screaming, locked the door, and curled up on the floor in a fetal position where I stayed for hours. The thought...the reality...of Mengele's hands having been on me was unbearable. I was raised Jewish. I was obsessed with holocaust history. I felt Mengele's level of evil through that knowledge. Flooding into my personal being was something I cannot truly put into words. Often, before my memories, I said I felt as if I were a reincarnated Anne Frank.

In processing the new collage, one of the answers I got was that I wasn't allowed to look at him. That reminded me of my client who always knew my shoes because she wasn't allowed to look at her abusers. With Mengele's reputation, I understand that was likely the case but I would have seen his boot. His voice, however, was blood curdling. Since that was the one sense "open" to me with him, I would have internalized that as trauma.

In saving items for collages, I never know what I'm going to use. The words "Omg, I'm a green crayon" I thought were fun or cute. But placed at the bottom of the Mengele collage caused another freakish reaction with his "code name" of Dr. Green. Was Mengele really an abuser or "just" another Paperclip Nazi? My personal validation is the voice. I simply did not believe it could be true. It's the last thing I would have wanted to be true about what I knew of the program(s) I was placed into at birth.

A New Day

While watching the inauguration ceremonies beginning around 10 a.m., I decided to collage my feelings. My hope is for a very different kind of new world order. That phrase, as of today, has no chilling impact on my spine. I'm hopeful President Obama can truly breakdown the elite few so permeated in the government and put our country back in the hands of caring, compassionate, fair people.


A New Day by grace2244

Sexuality and survivors

Hope by grace2244

Last night I did this collage to represent my past and my wishful future with regard to my ability to express myself sexually freely without the past flowing into it. I was pleased with the collage artistically but it caused me to ponder that middle divide. There is no wall in my mind. I avoid "sex" with all of my being. Am fairly certain one of me had the job of being happy sexual. Not sure where she is since the medical trauma. My pelvic floor fell for heaven's sake. I do believe I will be healed sufficiently soon to add that back into my life.

I'm not sure about other survivors, but my true preference would be celibacy. I love BB with all my heart and soul. Intimacy is still a hurdle for reasons that have nothing to do with him. He has to pay the price for my past. My therapist advised several years ago that often being okay sexually is the last to heal. Possibly the recent fusion will allow that to happen.

Right now (and the impetus for writing this post) The Oprah Show is addressing sexuality issues. I'm in tears. They just welled up out of nowhere and are streaming down my face. How can someone who has had such horrific sexual abuse beginning before or by age 3 embrace loving intimacy? Guess I'm grieving the loss of not having that in my life. I don't want this to be too personal, but wanted to share that larger issue of separating sexual abuse from expressing healthy love sexually with a loving partner.

And I want it to be ME. I don't want another part to move forward to enjoy that part of my life. My pelvic floor is mostly healed. Getting my body to move is going slowly but surely thanks to the Wii Fit. Yet there is one more known issue tied to my past and that area of my body.

For years my mind justified what happened to me as jeans being too tight. I shifted to jeans jumpers and skirts in my 30s to avoid the problem...or so I thought. Since memories began, I realized I had been burned in my genital area with cigarettes, apparently many times. This body memory has recurred since at least my 20s. I never told anyone about it. It was embarrassing. Some physical signs preceded eruption sometimes, but not always. The most recent cigar(?) or cigarette burns began to appear last night. It's painful. It starts as a stinging soreness in a large area and then develops into several blisters on top of red raised areas (like a cigarette burn) that go through the course of breaking and healing at a rapid rate. Nothing helps to alleviate the pain. It takes several days to stop. I was going to work with my therapist on this issue but the fusion took priority.

For now, my therapist is on vacation, my blisters hurt, am feeling sorry for myself. Am feeling sad for BB that he has not had an intimate relationship in nearly two years. That is a goal for me for 2009. Complete healing...to include sexual healing. I know...bitch, bitch, bitch. This is my rant place. Hopefully if you've read to here, it's been a worthwhile topic.