Recently I posted about a medication change that was not explained fully and apparently was in a manner that caused concern. I apologize for those who may have felt that way. My personal reality is that I am on medications for several physical conditions. Except for an antidepressant, I take little else for anxiety symptoms. My main medication for depression is Cymbalta. I've been at the maximum dosage for two years (120 mg/day). I had been trying an adjunct antidepressant in much smaller doses because it seemed as if I had become more depressed. I had been working with my psychiatrist on the adjunct meds which weren't working.
When I met with him last week, I spoke of feeling overly dosed since, logically, I was not nearly as depressed now as I was when I was in the midst of surgeries and a body falling apart and not working correctly. I was indeed a mess in 2008. My dose before all that happened was just 30 mg/day of Cymbalta. I asked if I could begin cutting back 30 mg for a two week period and then another 30 mg to see if I might stabilize at 60 mg.
He agreed it was worth a try. I've been on 90 mg a day for five days and yesterday I began to feel lighter. We both agreed the adjunct stuff was not working and was just causing me to deal with side effects each time I tried something new. But I never touched the dosage of my main Cymbalta without speaking to him first.
I am hopeful 60 mg will be my new daily maintenance dosage which would also allow room if I ever do need to go up a notch or so due to life circumstances rather than trying a second medication.
Most who are trauma survivors seem to be medication jugglers. I've just found that my intuition is often right and I find doctors who allow me to try what I sense to be right. We both know if I start to crash, it's not the right decision.
Because of what happened to me in 2007, I have learned to be a much more proactive patient. And I encourage all patients of any doctor to be knowledgeable in what is going on with their care and why/what medications are going to do. Speaking up doesn't come easily to many trauma survivors, but your medical care is a place where I believe it to be essential.
Oct 17, 2010
Oct 4, 2010
Trauma vs. Trauma
In my Believe the Children blog, I speak of Tyler who was trapped in the underworld of pedophilia by primary caregivers and their extended network for nearly two years. Recently I began to work with him again...my only client who I see in his home since I have no office or plans to return to trauma work. Since my disability began in 2008, Tyler had not received appropriate treatment for PTSD. He dissociated very little of the abuse and remembers most of what happened.
Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.
I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.
Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.
DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.
Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.
Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.
Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.
Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.
The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.
Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.
How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.
Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.
I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.
Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.
DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.
Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.
Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.
Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.
Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.
The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.
Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.
How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.
Oct 3, 2010
New Motivation for Writing
While spending time on Facebook I've come to know others with blogs who have healed to help others. In addition, I have met other survivors still in the struggle. One blog in particular, Emerging from Broken, has ignited new thoughts or reignited past thoughts on my experiences.
In following child protection organizations I have a renewed interest in compiling a book on how to spot children who might be under the control of a pedophile. The earlier we can spot the victims, the sooner the abusers can be put in jail and more children can be saved. Just today saw news about a male teacher who had 70 victims before his recent arrest. This is an unacceptable toll.
The entire child protection services system needs to be revamped to support the protection and healing as new victims are found. I can help with early identification if I had an interested audience. Agencies like PROTECT are being quite proactive in going after legislation and changing the old system.
So many hands are needed for this endeavor. Otherwise, the pedophile rings flourish in secrecy taking more and more victims and ensuring future generations of the same.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed by the problem, but if we each do what we know we can do, it can happen. Early identification, protection, and support for victims of pedophile rings who are usually born into that world...invisible to trained tactics for children abused outside the home.
In following child protection organizations I have a renewed interest in compiling a book on how to spot children who might be under the control of a pedophile. The earlier we can spot the victims, the sooner the abusers can be put in jail and more children can be saved. Just today saw news about a male teacher who had 70 victims before his recent arrest. This is an unacceptable toll.
The entire child protection services system needs to be revamped to support the protection and healing as new victims are found. I can help with early identification if I had an interested audience. Agencies like PROTECT are being quite proactive in going after legislation and changing the old system.
So many hands are needed for this endeavor. Otherwise, the pedophile rings flourish in secrecy taking more and more victims and ensuring future generations of the same.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed by the problem, but if we each do what we know we can do, it can happen. Early identification, protection, and support for victims of pedophile rings who are usually born into that world...invisible to trained tactics for children abused outside the home.
Sep 21, 2010
We have to rely on each other
This post is inspired by a discussion on Facebook today along with a discussion I had in real life earlier today with my aquatherapist. She has a two-year-old son. Recently she and her husband took their son to the Baltimore Aquarium...also a sea of children running around. At one point she noticed her husband was not holding their son's hand because the child wanted to run ahead to another exhibit. My therapist immediately gathered up her child and explained to her husband that the Aquarium was the perfect breeding ground for a pedophile and they were not going to let go of their son.
This is what I have been saying in another way. We have to think like a pedophile to protect our children. They look like anyone else and they get along splendidly with children. Am recalling an Oprah show where a well liked neighbor had molested many of the neighborhood children including his own.
The State Departments of Children Services (DCS) are generally understaffed and underfunded. Neighbors need to be better neighbors and not give up even if DCS has visited and found no wrong doing. A story in the news today tells of diligent neighbors who kept complaining until proper intervention was made and two young children were pulled from a home of filth and squalor.
If it's a popular place for children, time to tighten up parental supervision. The good guys need to be their own police and we need a reliable enforcement system for when parents are being abusive. A community-driven child safety organization...that is also willing to look within its own ranks.
This is what I have been saying in another way. We have to think like a pedophile to protect our children. They look like anyone else and they get along splendidly with children. Am recalling an Oprah show where a well liked neighbor had molested many of the neighborhood children including his own.
The State Departments of Children Services (DCS) are generally understaffed and underfunded. Neighbors need to be better neighbors and not give up even if DCS has visited and found no wrong doing. A story in the news today tells of diligent neighbors who kept complaining until proper intervention was made and two young children were pulled from a home of filth and squalor.
If it's a popular place for children, time to tighten up parental supervision. The good guys need to be their own police and we need a reliable enforcement system for when parents are being abusive. A community-driven child safety organization...that is also willing to look within its own ranks.
Aug 30, 2010
Safe Family
Since 1997 I have been getting and processing pieces of my life. I have a broad picture of the sophisticated "mind games" used by organized pedophiles to keep a child in a constant state of fear...to learn to avoid relationships...to always fear death at any moment. The first layers of memories about people who were "killed" were memories of littles who were easily tricked. The next layer told me that those whom I thought were killed were living relatives or family friends. Lies on top of lies.
In the early 2000s, my maternal uncle came up hugely in my memories and totally stunned me. My favorite uncle. I felt it had been confirmed by one of my earliest collages which had words directly connected with him. So I kept all ties to him severed as well as the rest of my family.
I followed his career online. He is renowned in his field. I wanted to get in touch with him but was still fearful. I had sworn Mengele could not possibly have been part of my abuse until the day I heard his voice on a biography video. That threw me into a triggered fetal state for hours. So I downloaded a podcast my uncle had made. It took several months before I finally listened. He had the same calming, gentle, loving voice I remembered. Nothing about me responded with fear.
I did send an email without revealing my current name...still afraid he might possibly inform "them" and someone would whisk me away never to be heard from again. Fast-forward to yesterday after my uncle and I exchanged several emails. I feel so much emotion. The love I feel for him that was never able to surface and the anger at having missed out on having a loving part of family for nearly 15 years.
Today I found my cousins online and feel a new sense of connection. Not so isolated in one aspect of my life. What about the memories that pointed to my uncle? Knowing the tricks, pedophiles will use the name of a deceased or safe family member for an abuser. A mind connection is made between the safe uncle, for instance, and whomever the real abuser was...likely another male relative with how my memories have gone.
Programming to push away close relationships combined with use of his name made sure I had no safe family member. Am glad I learned of the lies and made the connection with him. He has had an amazing life and I had always been so proud of him. Now instead of thinking he was somehow helping the bad guys in the world of science, I can just be proud of him again.
Guess it takes peeling back all the layers of programming and fear to reconnect with any family after knowing multi-generational abuse was likely on both sides of the family. But not always. Evil father could have "molded" my mother since she was only 19 when she married. *sigh* A lot to process.
In the early 2000s, my maternal uncle came up hugely in my memories and totally stunned me. My favorite uncle. I felt it had been confirmed by one of my earliest collages which had words directly connected with him. So I kept all ties to him severed as well as the rest of my family.
I followed his career online. He is renowned in his field. I wanted to get in touch with him but was still fearful. I had sworn Mengele could not possibly have been part of my abuse until the day I heard his voice on a biography video. That threw me into a triggered fetal state for hours. So I downloaded a podcast my uncle had made. It took several months before I finally listened. He had the same calming, gentle, loving voice I remembered. Nothing about me responded with fear.
I did send an email without revealing my current name...still afraid he might possibly inform "them" and someone would whisk me away never to be heard from again. Fast-forward to yesterday after my uncle and I exchanged several emails. I feel so much emotion. The love I feel for him that was never able to surface and the anger at having missed out on having a loving part of family for nearly 15 years.
Today I found my cousins online and feel a new sense of connection. Not so isolated in one aspect of my life. What about the memories that pointed to my uncle? Knowing the tricks, pedophiles will use the name of a deceased or safe family member for an abuser. A mind connection is made between the safe uncle, for instance, and whomever the real abuser was...likely another male relative with how my memories have gone.
Programming to push away close relationships combined with use of his name made sure I had no safe family member. Am glad I learned of the lies and made the connection with him. He has had an amazing life and I had always been so proud of him. Now instead of thinking he was somehow helping the bad guys in the world of science, I can just be proud of him again.
Guess it takes peeling back all the layers of programming and fear to reconnect with any family after knowing multi-generational abuse was likely on both sides of the family. But not always. Evil father could have "molded" my mother since she was only 19 when she married. *sigh* A lot to process.
Jun 25, 2010
Ups & Downs of Recovery
The first week of April I began aquatics therapy three times a week. What hurt in "land" therapy, did not hurt in the water. Even though I was sore between sessions, I was able to do the work. We all agreed that I would "ride out" the pain between sessions as long as muscles were building while working out in the pool. Aside from focusing on my one shoulder (the reason for the therapy initially), the pool allowed me to work on rebuilding all muscles that had atrophied while recuperating from all my pelvic prolapse surgeries in 2007-2008.
Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.
The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.
My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.
I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.
I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.
Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.
The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.
My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.
I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.
I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.
Apr 1, 2010
A Look Behind the Healthcare Reform Uproar
This is my opinion based on my personal knowledge of the world of child exploitation and "grooming" children from birth with various types of horrific abuse.
The government is entrenched with people who are involved in and/or who take advantage of the child exploitation underground to satisfy pedophilia or other perverted needs. In addition, a source of funds from the slavery trade and other illicit activities is available. In the public realm, it is documented that very notable wealthy families are highly involved in fueling this "resource".
Republicans behind the "health care is socialism" debate are using health care as an excuse. If health care is changed, at least part of their world comes tumbling down. I was employed at a major health care company when I "woke up" and realized I had been doing something with foreign exchange in an alter state. I doubt I was the only person in that entire organization who appeared perfectly normal but really had DID.
President Obama probably doesn't realize it, but he began a dismantling of that vast secret underground with his health care reform bill. Why would anyone find fair health care a bad thing? It's not. But when it shakes up the solidly implanted world of exploitation, the ones defending their access to perversion and illegal funds can't oppose that.
Most survivors in my age bracket (mid-50s to early 60s) recall at least a few big names which tend to create disbelief. All I will say is that the two high level government people who came up in my memories were Republicans. And several wealthy men from a long line of wealthy generations also came up. Ones who are known to benefit from the U.S. being at war were quite prominent.
Likely many Republicans are following the leader with the party uproar, but until that "old guard" who has been part of the underground since the CIA began the now declassified MK Ultra experiments at the end of the Korean War, health care will be a huge argument. And let's not forget those whom the "old guard" has mentored (bribed) to be involved in that world.
I see the health care reform as good for all Americans and an unintentional great stride in putting a dent in the world of exploitation.
The government is entrenched with people who are involved in and/or who take advantage of the child exploitation underground to satisfy pedophilia or other perverted needs. In addition, a source of funds from the slavery trade and other illicit activities is available. In the public realm, it is documented that very notable wealthy families are highly involved in fueling this "resource".
Republicans behind the "health care is socialism" debate are using health care as an excuse. If health care is changed, at least part of their world comes tumbling down. I was employed at a major health care company when I "woke up" and realized I had been doing something with foreign exchange in an alter state. I doubt I was the only person in that entire organization who appeared perfectly normal but really had DID.
President Obama probably doesn't realize it, but he began a dismantling of that vast secret underground with his health care reform bill. Why would anyone find fair health care a bad thing? It's not. But when it shakes up the solidly implanted world of exploitation, the ones defending their access to perversion and illegal funds can't oppose that.
Most survivors in my age bracket (mid-50s to early 60s) recall at least a few big names which tend to create disbelief. All I will say is that the two high level government people who came up in my memories were Republicans. And several wealthy men from a long line of wealthy generations also came up. Ones who are known to benefit from the U.S. being at war were quite prominent.
Likely many Republicans are following the leader with the party uproar, but until that "old guard" who has been part of the underground since the CIA began the now declassified MK Ultra experiments at the end of the Korean War, health care will be a huge argument. And let's not forget those whom the "old guard" has mentored (bribed) to be involved in that world.
I see the health care reform as good for all Americans and an unintentional great stride in putting a dent in the world of exploitation.
Mar 24, 2010
A Year of Healing
I was just checking my blogs and all seem to be unformatted so I'm fixing them. Was surprised to see my last post was March '09. I've decided fusion is a forever process but it's answers and healing and much more awareness of my conscious environment.
For example, I realize I lose memory when I pass through a doorway...a literal door "jam". It's not quite as bad since I figured it out. Also, I've come to realize I consistently blank out while driving at certain landmarks. Even when I consciously try to remain conscious, someone else drives right by and I miss my turn. Strange world I've lived in. Internal censor my entire life.
The good news is I discovered the very complex world of Alice and my programming related to a distorted Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Oz, and Tinkerbelle. All parts of each were found and a healed Tinkerbelle merged with a healed Alice to undo Oz for me. As moderator of the Polyvore group which includes a large portion of survivors of some level of programming, I see how many have some type of Alice/Tinkerbelle programming. My theory of there being a "perp manual" out there seems to be true.
Will be back to voice my take on the opposition to health care reform. Thought that's what I was going to do right now, but apparently not. Thanks to those who still peek at this blog.
Mar 11, 2009
Pause for personal identification
Time of beauty - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com
Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at Polyvore.com with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.
Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.
Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.
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