Trauma vs. Trauma

In my Believe the Children blog, I speak of Tyler who was trapped in the underworld of pedophilia by primary caregivers and their extended network for nearly two years. Recently I began to work with him again...my only client who I see in his home since I have no office or plans to return to trauma work. Since my disability began in 2008, Tyler had not received appropriate treatment for PTSD. He dissociated very little of the abuse and remembers most of what happened.

Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.

I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.

Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.

DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.

Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.

Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.

Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.

Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.

The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.

Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.

How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.

"The United States of Tara"

A new Showtime series is airing January 18, The United States of Tara. The premise is a family with two teenagers. Mom is a multiple. She has DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder a/k/a dissociative states. Tara, in the previews, has several personalities. Her husband, who I know as the radio guy from Northern Exposure (John Corbett), and both teens (a boy and girl) understand mom has issues and that environmental and internal triggers (out of the family's control) cause her to change to a different identity.

The show acknowledges that Tara has deep seated issues and DID is her coping skill. The family embraces her differences and helps each other. The kids know the alters by name because each has a different voice and facial expression. On the show, Tara also changes clothes when she is someone else. That does happen for some survivors. I recall having wardrobe changes because I felt differently. I guess I never consciously experienced myself feeling like a guy though. I never felt frilly feminine. I don't see the wardrobe change as detracting from the message of the show.

The more I learn about the show, the more I believe there will finally be an accurate representation of the issues of someone having DID and normalizing that difference. Mom is different and interesting to the kids. They love her and all of her personas. I have learned an expert advisor for DID is a consultant. I know the individual to be a highly respected psychiatrist in the field of dissociation. I prefer to wait to see his name in the credits than disclose here.

While I'm sure some sacrifices had to be made for entertainment purposes, the show promises to balance the humorous and possibly exasperating side of loving someone with DID with the serious issues that lie behind anyone with DID. To hear the cast and writers speak of multiplicity and DID with appropriate terms was heartwarming. But not as much as knowing so many will likely watch the show. I wish with all my heart and soul many will finally see and hear the reality of DID. It is not to be feared but to be embraced. More than anything, those with DID desire connection and acceptance.

Hopefully the show will inspire discussion in many forums on the internet and television. Bless you, Steve Spielberg. Click here for a quick preview. If you are a Dexter fan or otherwise have access to Showtime, longer promotional previews of the show are being shown frequently and are excellent.

"My Own Worst Enemy"

Just for the record, I wanted to point out the fallacies used as a basis for Edward/Henry's "split personality" in the new television series My Own Worst Enemy. The plot is something like this:

Edward, as an adult, gives his consent to undergo a technological creation of a personality split or alter ego. Edward is the spy who tortures, kills, does whatever to complete his assignment for the agency for which he works. Henry is the loving timid family man who wouldn't hurt a fly. This "program" intended for Edward always to be amnestic for Henry's activities and vice versa. But Edward and Henry are leaking over into each other's mind space. The ongoing message is that "he doesn't work anymore" and "must be terminated".

There are similarities to someone with multiple personalities and some very misleading plot lines. First of all, it's only a diagnosis of "multiple" for two or more distinct personalities who take over control of the body. "Split personality" is not a synonym for DID or multiple personalities. I don't know where that came from and didn't feel like looking it up since it is irrelevant. It is rare that someone with DID only has two personalities. That is more likely the case for someone who is dissociative, but not to the extreme of a diagnosis of DID.

Before Edward knew his alter ego Henry, neither had conscious knowledge of the other. In DID terms, they were both dissociated from one another. By having shared consciousness, they are no longer completely dissociated. They are sometimes co-conscious. At this point in the show, they each know when they are "switching" to the other. They leave each other messages on the cell phone or some handheld device. Alters can do this as well--write messages, draw pictures, run errands, help out and/or disrupt the life of another dissociated state. In such cases, the alter knows when s/he is taking over but, until the survivor begins to heal, s/he is amnestic for all activities conducted by an alter.

Edward agreed as an adult to have a dissociated self state created. I have no idea if such technology exists today. Since you can see in the show that the objective is something along the lines of a Manchurian Candidate, let us all pray it is not. Microchips are being implanted in people under the guise of safety but what else can the implants do? The only known way to have DID is to be traumatized physically, emotionally, sexually, or medically over a period of time as a young child. DID does not happen in adults. DID is usually diagnosed in adults but it is there because something horrible happened when the person was a child.

In one episode, Henry finds evidence of his childhood which he believes proves he was not created because Edward's agreement to an experiment. The woman who heads the tech lab where minds are routinely tampered with, shows Henry she is aware of his past because she "implanted" a lifetime of memories in him. This is the most distressing aspect of the show. It is doing great harm to the world of survivors and furthers the propaganda of "false memories". The claim that therapists can implant memories in a survivor is beyond far-fetched. An unscrupulous therapist might try to implant a hypnotic suggestion to take advantage of a client but no one has the ability to implant a lifetime of anything in another person.

Actually Henry believes he had a childhood because he found photos of what he believed was himself as a child. Often survivors recall their childhood history as shown repeatedly through pictures or slides the perp parent(s) showed over and over again throughout their lives. It becomes the conscious history. What is claimed to have been used against us to create such horrid memories of abuse was used to try to create a childhood timeline to allow us to recall childhood "highlights". Most people don't delve much further than those surface nontraumatic memories.

The mind naturally tries to fill in the blanks. Growing up with very little conscious memory of childhood seemed normal because my mind connected the dots that were there. The mind is incredible. The fact that we can heal from such horrific abuse is a miracle. I'm not sure that was part of the original plan. And Edward's mind is doing something that was never supposed to happen. For Edward, it means death. What kind of message do you think that delivers to survivors who are just beginning to heal and their fear is at such a heightened state from the recalled death threats "for telling"? I don't think the show was written by the good guys. Or the bad guys used their money and bought a big chunk of propaganda.

Enjoy the show. Please remember what is true and what is false. Just because it's on television doesn't make it so.

I vs. We vs. You

Something extraordinary happens to people who realize they have DID. Their language changes to describe themselves as "we". It's sort of a natural evolution. And it is difficult to hide in public. Survivors try to hide it because it is unacceptable to society (from the greater world to the workplace to the family of origin). Lives of those who are victims of horrific abuse have to hide what is happening to them at a most vulnerable time in their lives when they want to be reaching out to others.

I learned the hard way. My best friend at work, where I was employed at the time of coming undone, was someone I trusted. Of course I was sharing about my nightmares and research and OMG I have multiple personalities! Well, it scared the sh*t out of him. I told my boss because I thought she should know because I was so emotionally distressed and still trying to work. She was angry when I needed short-term disability to try to regroup from the emotional bomb because I left her short-handed. So much for support. I didn't learn from that experience. When I was further along with memories, I had left my full time employment and tried a less demanding job. In trying to help a fellow employee whose sister was remembering father abuse, I offered information that frightened her.

This is what the media has done to us abuse survivors. I learned just prior to my leaving my full time position that my former best friend at work had believed some part of me would jump out and punch him. He was over 6' tall and I'm under 5'. Go figure. It's ridiculous how we have to fight propaganda. If you're a friend, you can ask! What can I do to help you? Should I be afraid of you? What should I do if you are someone else here at the office?

I remember struggling to hide the "we" in my language. Of course that only served to fuel the unnecessary fear if I let it slip. If you know someone who has DID, allowing them to just be comfortable is a wonderful gift. Friends and significant others open to knowing all of the person they love or care about can give healing a much-needed boost. You may get to know other selves. If an identity feels safe to speak to you, the more likely that part will begin sharing consciousness with the person you know as your friend. It's all good.

When I began to speak to classmates at grad school, I was extra careful about my language. By the end of the degree program, I had at least one major integration. My language shifted just as naturally back into "I". I didn't have to think about it. I still could have been a therapist with DID and all the coping skills, but integration made it easier and I'm grateful for the change before I began to see clients.

Actually, it's reassuring to say "we" as a multiple. It's validation to all inside who are unhealed or healed but separate (cooperation vs. integration). All share the body. "We" is a term meaning more than one. It's the correct term.

When the bough breaks

A new video to show what it's like for someone with previously unknown DID to begin remembering. I specifically made it without mentioning DID because maybe those who have been poisoned against the concept of DID might "hear" this message.

Did Steven get it right?

Steven Spielberg is behind a new "dark comedy" to air on Showtime, The United States of Tara. The main character is a wife and mother of two teenage kids who seems normal on the surface but actually suffers from dissociative identity disorder. The series follows Tara as she deals with her various personalities. In the pilot, her personalities include a teen girl and adult man who emerge at times of stress. I saw the teaser for the pilot last night.

Spielberg is known for his sensitivity in treating serious topics and his research. We can only hope that will hold true for this series. Those with DID certainly joke about it. We have to. And it's okay for those with DID to joke amongst themselves. I would dearly love to see this pilot present this topic with great sensitivity through humor and grace (words cited as commentary to announcement of this topic. The writer of the co-pilot is the person who wrote Juno which was a wonderful movie--serious issues with a sense of humor.

In looking for more about the new show, I found articles using the wrong terms (i.e. multiple personality syndrome). The personalities were described from an entertainment perspective: an aggressive male biker or promiscuous teenage girl or Martha Stewart-like homemaker. The same review described the series as Weeds meets Sybil. No premiere date can be found. Maybe I'll catch the preview again on Showtime with an air date.

Hmmm. I wonder if Tara is in therapy in the show? Would love to see the topic handled accurately and neither trivialized nor sensationalized.