No one to call for help

In real life, at this very moment, the child alter "Katie" of adult victim/survivor "Christina" could be in the hands of the pedophile group that has haunted her life at least since toddlerhood. Denial by the nation allows her life to be in jeopardy every moment of every day. The police have given permission for her abusers to access her as often as they want because she is too terrified of the police to call them and I can no longer call the police for her, not to mention they scoff at her "problems". I'm distanced from her life and don't know the details of her daily struggles. I just know it continues.

Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.

The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.

To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?

As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.

Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.

My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.

I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.

How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.

The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?

I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?

My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.

Every child deserves a chance

Good news today. Legislation has passed in New York to treat minors used for sexual exploitation as victims rather than prosecute them as offenders. This is certainly a step in the right direction. I would hope other states quickly follow suit. From my perspective, legislation needs to go that one step further to provide the same services to adult survivors of child exploitation who, through no fault of their own, don't remember until later in life. Assistance provided by this Safe Harbor Act includes counseling, emergency services and long term housing solutions.

I read something yesterday that made me think how the situation would be different if the nation went after pedophilia at its source of gathering. The issue was why pedophiles were not being given appropriate help to heal from their own child abuse. Without delving into the research, I believe it has been proven that, by the time the individual reaches a certain age, it's too late. It's true that pedophiles do train boys to become pedophiles. But if those boys were rescued and provided with resources for long-term therapy and safety, imagine the impact that could have for the boys who were saved as well as the nation. Getting help for young boys "in training" would reduce the pedophile population for the future.

I recall one of Katie's disclosures. Typically it was "older boys" or the "bad men" who came in groups. One day she told me a little boy was with them. She didn't know numbers but knew the boy was older than her. He could write and count. For some reason, the perps left the young boy with her for several hours while they went off to heaven only knows what destruction. She relayed that the little boy said he didn't like being with the men. In fact he helped her by hiding the "little phone" (the cell phone) so it would not be taken from her when they returned. That little boy told Katie. Even if the adult part of her was able to hear (co-consciousness) of the child's plea, her report to authorities would have been dismissed. Knowing about it and having no resources to report feels very helpless.

If I become aware of a child's abuse, I am compelled to report to Children & Youth within 24 hours. Since I had already been rebuffed by law enforcement several times and knew how they treated both Katie and my other client, I had no resources. In Tyler's case, he reported his toddler brother was also being hurt by bio mom and her boyfriend as well as the boyfriend's teenage son. I can only hope that Tyler's stepbrother was rescued from that situation. Tyler was terrified of the toddler, viewing him also as someone who hurt him. My mind has only one concept of what might have been done to cause that to happen, but just is no telling. Maybe one day Tyler will have the vocabulary to tell.

In my memories, my younger sister's mere appearance in a dream caused me to wake up screaming in terror. It took several years to fully process what that meant. The answer I got was that I had been told repeatedly that she could kill me if she were told. That made sense because she was so aggressive as a child. She would fight at the least provocation with fingernails digging, biting, hair pulling. My older sister and I were nonviolent and tried to protect ourselves from her. Of course any complaining we did to our parents about the little sister being so mean led to scolding or worse because we were older and were supposed to know better or set an example. It wasn't until we were all adults that we could get along together. You can see how subconsciously I would avoid my sister for any type of affectionate bond.

No matter what I remembered, it made perfect sense in the spectrum of my conscious life. It was self-validating. Those who would ask, "Where's the proof", I would answer "in the healing". I was lucky. I didn't have to wait for ten misdiagnoses before I knew I had DID. I found a good therapist within two years. I did heal. I've been at home for a year recuperating from a medical disaster learning I was the therapist other psychiatrists and doctors were referring their dissociative patients to. There is such a shortage of trained therapists. It's not fair. I know that life is not fair. But this whole issue of survivors having to go through hurdle after hurdle, fighting to heal, is so not fair.

Unbelievable resources

I don't remember my own followers or enforcers or whatever the bad guys are called who hang around your life once leaving childhood and/or the home of a parent pedophile. I know it happens. I just didn't know to what degree. As a therapist, I witnessed several people constantly harass, frighten, and trigger my first client who knew she was tied to organized pedophiles who hid behind the devil worship scenario. She told me often that she had seen certain people follow her and/or be visible as a threat when she arrived at my office. I began to walk out with her following her appointment and the people she had described were indeed there.
I became familiar with several vehicles, drivers, bicycle man, and one or two who happened to always be strolling right past the steps to the practice at the time the door opened for her to exit. It was alarming how their timing always coincided even when her appointment time or date changed. In trying to report the stalking tactic to local police, I was told, unless someone actually hurt her, nothing could be done. Of course, reporting "cult" activity was useless. It was known among therapists in the area that certain towns and communities were known for supporting (or not deterring) such activities, police included. It only takes one police officer in a small community department to make it miserable for those trying to report.

Because I had tried to gain more protection for her, and because I was helping her undo some of the messages keeping her stuck from healing, I became a target. I guess the theory is that hopefully either the therapist or victim/survivor will be too frightened to continue. Bike man would dart out into traffic from between cars where he couldn't possibly see me at precisely the moment my car was next. That can only happen if a second person is involved and knows exactly where I am and informs bike man. It didn't matter how late I worked, that bike whizzed right past me as I came down the steps outside. Who was watching my office for the light to go out? And where were they watching from?

I went to a law enforcement gear store and purchased mace. The store was staffed by off duty police officers. One showed me the correct way to use the mace and helped me understand my rights. I could only use the mace if I felt threatened. As much as I wanted to spray bikeman as he passed by, that wasn't allowed. I had pictures of several of the victim's perps and automobiles. That continued until last year when I had to stop work for medical reasons.

A year after beginning work with the first actively abused client, I began to work with a second woman newly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and referred to me. At the time we began our work, neither of us knew she was still actively being assaulted by a group of "older boys" and a few "men" who seemed to lead the group. I again witnessed the car described by a child alter following her as well as other vehicles over the course of our work. My name was used to threaten the child part--they would kill me if she kept on seeing me. I became aware of her perps following me and cutting me off on several occasions--not as predictably as my other client. When activity heated up, I carried a camera in my car. I have photos of the red Silverado 4x4 that harassed me on my way to spontaneously run an errand (coincidentally when my SO was out of town for the weekend).

My thinking was that I could have been wrong about the red truck. Maybe it was just an idiot driver. I would know on my return trip because "they" would get back on my trail at about the place they got off my trail. Having had that experience, I was afraid to stop and get gas even though I was completely on empty. My camera was ready. I passed the shopping mall parking lot where the man in the red hat turned off. He pulled out in front of me at the first major intersection after the mall. He stayed ahead of me until I was turning down my street from the last major road. He turned the other way. I clearly saw the same person both times. And I had gotten photos of the truck and license plates.

When I looked at the photos, my program was able to view the license plates clearly. Knowing they used stolen/lost license plates, I wanted to have the picture for both directions. I was surprised (and not surprised) to see it was two different red Silverado 4x4s. One was an older version. If the day ever comes where someone is interested in catching these thugs, I would bet both license plates lead nowhere. The change of vehicle means at least one other person was involved. And who knew I was leaving my home where I live in a garaged townhome? Who knew my SO was away?

Two different survivors of abuse from different groups of pedophiles. Each had at least four identifiable perps on a regular basis harassing or stalking them or me. It is not okay to heal. It is unfathomable to realize the "manpower" is so great that there might be multiple (no pun intended) perps assigned to one healing survivor to keep her from seeking help. That is astronomical resources if that is "typical".

It became known over the course of my work with one person that known perps lived nearby. For one it was in the same apartment complex. She was able to recognize certain perps as the same ones in the horror ceremonies. My other client actually moved from one home where she had been abused in a dissociative state for more than ten years. Within several weeks of moving to her new apartment, they were inside that dwelling with no neighbors reporting anything suspicious. How can this happen? Are there pedophile communities where victims think they are consciously choosing to live?

Initially I believed all of my abuse happened either at the hands of my father growing up to the time I broke free when I was in my late teens. Consciously I just knew I hated him and wanted to get away. He used numerous tactics that caused me to remain in the same home. It sickens me to think of the guilt I endured believing it would "kill my mother" if I moved out on my own. In any event, it was later in my healing that I began to recall abuse since moving to the area where I still live. My parents moved far away thirty years ago. The first person to come up as a perp in my local life (and adult life) was a much loved next door neighbor from my high school years. His family and our family were close friends even after we moved into another neighborhood. I stayed in touch after my parents moved away. Eventually I severed ties with anyone from my past realizing I just had no way of knowing who was a good guy or a bad guy.

During a session with one of the currently-abused individuals, she blurted out the name of my former neighbor as one of her abusers. Talk about a conflict of interest. She transitioned to working with another therapist. That validation was so stunning and unexpected. I babysat for that family. I was in his home so many times. He referred me to the company and provided a reference for my first employment out of high school--the company where he worked. Doesn't that just bring up all kinds of other questions?

This is a small area compared to many cities in the U.S. Survivors are in every community. The more absurd it sounds, remember that's the way it was meant to sound. If I'm sounding beyond belief, gotcha.

Protecting the children bashed by McCain

According to the online Wall Street Journal blog of 9/9/08: Obama supported an Illinois state senate bill allowing for "age-appropriate" sex education for K-12 instruction. The intent of the bill was to protect young children from sexual predators. A McCain ad characterized Obama as someone who supported teaching kindergartners about sex before learning to read.

As long as politicians twist the well intentioned to help our young children be safe for political advantage, our nation's children who are prey to child predators everywhere at anytime will be more vulnerable to molestation, abduction, and worse.

It makes me wonder how prevalent the sickness of violating a child runs through our government. Oh...right. Politicians never have perverse sexual interests... Why is legislation for obliterating organized pedophilia not a non-partisan priority. When attention is taken away from the legislation, I have to ask, to what end? How many in government don't want the children protected?

A large segment of adult survivors whose amnesia "broke" later in life recalled military bases as well as politicians. We all know the military has no pedophiles so survivors must be lying, right? Government and our armed forces are not exempt from pedophiles.

Barack Obama, please continue your efforts as president to pass legislation to both educate our young children and actively pursue organized pedophile rings at all levels of society.