In the late 90s, I kept images of my alters in folders as their identities became known to me. ME ("Emmie), female inner wisdom shown at bottom of lower heart, is model Christy Turlington. Michael is actor Edward Burns. He acts and directs. One of his movies was She's the One. I have the article photo spread on him entitled He's the One.
My head felt a rush of new fuzziness after the fusion during therapy. As soon as I got home I began to get images from online of Edward Burns for collages. I was dumbfounded. He and Christy Turlington got married! Sometime in the past five years I think. Well, they are together in me now too. How weird is that?
Am still feeling at the back of the line but feel as if all who had been trapped in Ellie's male system before the fusion are out with a shorter line. But now that both halves of Ellie are reunited, I'm sure more answers will be coming. Many collages are showing programming even though I don't know what the programming did. My story is coming out from the perspective of the parts of me who lived it and I do have a greater understanding of that trauma life. What I don't understand is how anyone survives such trauma. The more I heal, the more I wonder why I am here on this earth.
I'm going on three months of collaging instead of flooding with a new surge yesterday. Although yesterday wasn't hoards of trapped ballerinas and traumatized she-males. It was just Michael. Who am I right now? I'm fuzzy me (at the top of the collage), my inner child parts, and my male and female inner wisdoms (ME and my Ian Fleming). Not as crowded...
I wasn't sure whether to post here or on Forbidden Topic. Since it's more personal than helpful to others, I'm choosing here. I've blogged about my ongoing healing event...knowing something happened but not having that emotional connection to the internal change. That happened today. With all the ranting I do on this blog, I thought I'd share some serene thoughts as well as thoughts of doubt and future. Healing from DID is a long journey. I've disclosed I had two major integrations prior to becoming a full time therapist. So I was highly functioning with few issues to work on in therapy. When I began to practice, I changed therapy to once a month. That was a huge change for me.
The trauma of the medical stuff last year created some havoc with littles being shaken loose so I was feeling a little bit multiple again in the fear department. They healed fairly quickly once I realized what was happening. That happened somewhere between Halloween and mid-November. But back in September, a healed adult part of me came out as the blogger and advocate. I knew her as a little, Janie, and knew there was an adult Jane. Jane must have lived a major part of my subconscious life...integral part of my being.
I knew Jane was the advocate but I didn't realize until recently that I felt like I was in the background and she had taken over my life. I also came to realize she embodied the healed original child (sometimes called the core). Was thinking it was really her life. She should do what she wants. But her focus has been so intense and serious. I'm missing the fun in my life. I haven't played with my robotic dinos in ages and have felt stifled in making a new video featuring my tortoise Lucy. I've just felt different and disconnected...further from my friends than usual.
At one point in the past year or two, it became known that several healed adults had joined with me and we presented as one to the outside world. I didn't specifically notice any difference. It was odd that a merger happened into the conscious world when I did not share consciousness with them. I've stated before that the texts state "true integration" is when the one healing feels connected and feels ownership of all that happened in her life. I did not have that experience. I know this is complicated but would like to carry it out to the end.
On my drive to the therapist today, I came to realize that Jane coming forward back in September caused a redistribution (for lack of a better term) of the others who had joined me. All previously dissociated selves are integrated into Jane or me. In my therapy work today, Jane came to understand we needed to share this life we have and I wanted her to be able to continue with the education and advocacy but I wanted to feel joy in my life. Internally, I was behind Jane. She stepped to the side, placed her arm around me and helped move me next to her. I can't explain the overwhelming emotion. This loving feeling just surged between us. It was like seeing someone you loved ages ago never thinking you'd ever see them again. I sort of stayed in that internal feeling of loving for awhile.
The next thing that happened took me by surprise and I wasn't sure I liked it. Suddenly Jane and I melded into each other becoming one entity. I knew it was a good thing but also sort of scary. With any integration, life has more clarity and answers but there is always a fear of "What if I get lost and don't know who I am?" That's never happened but it remains a fear. Am feeling okay right now. I definitely want joy back in my life. I want life back in my life. This medical setback has been awful but may also have created a set of circumstances where I may have been unable to completely integrate without it. DID is weird.
I can definitely say my journey of integration is not what the experts would have you believe. The one big question is whether I will feel connected to the abuse that happened to my body...that ownership of my life. Time will tell. In the meantime, my core, my spirit, my being has strengthened. This I know.
Something extraordinary happens to people who realize they have DID. Their language changes to describe themselves as "we". It's sort of a natural evolution. And it is difficult to hide in public. Survivors try to hide it because it is unacceptable to society (from the greater world to the workplace to the family of origin). Lives of those who are victims of horrific abuse have to hide what is happening to them at a most vulnerable time in their lives when they want to be reaching out to others.
I learned the hard way. My best friend at work, where I was employed at the time of coming undone, was someone I trusted. Of course I was sharing about my nightmares and research and OMG I have multiple personalities! Well, it scared the sh*t out of him. I told my boss because I thought she should know because I was so emotionally distressed and still trying to work. She was angry when I needed short-term disability to try to regroup from the emotional bomb because I left her short-handed. So much for support. I didn't learn from that experience. When I was further along with memories, I had left my full time employment and tried a less demanding job. In trying to help a fellow employee whose sister was remembering father abuse, I offered information that frightened her.
This is what the media has done to us abuse survivors. I learned just prior to my leaving my full time position that my former best friend at work had believed some part of me would jump out and punch him. He was over 6' tall and I'm under 5'. Go figure. It's ridiculous how we have to fight propaganda. If you're a friend, you can ask! What can I do to help you? Should I be afraid of you? What should I do if you are someone else here at the office?
I remember struggling to hide the "we" in my language. Of course that only served to fuel the unnecessary fear if I let it slip. If you know someone who has DID, allowing them to just be comfortable is a wonderful gift. Friends and significant others open to knowing all of the person they love or care about can give healing a much-needed boost. You may get to know other selves. If an identity feels safe to speak to you, the more likely that part will begin sharing consciousness with the person you know as your friend. It's all good.
When I began to speak to classmates at grad school, I was extra careful about my language. By the end of the degree program, I had at least one major integration. My language shifted just as naturally back into "I". I didn't have to think about it. I still could have been a therapist with DID and all the coping skills, but integration made it easier and I'm grateful for the change before I began to see clients.
Actually, it's reassuring to say "we" as a multiple. It's validation to all inside who are unhealed or healed but separate (cooperation vs. integration). All share the body. "We" is a term meaning more than one. It's the correct term.
I can't say producing my Crusader Rabbit video was a labor of love. It was a labor of passion. And inspiration came from a new online friend whom I thank very much. For those of you who know me, feedback is welcome as well as suggestions for what to highlight in a future video. I loved having others' art to present. If you know survivors who are willing to share anonymously, please send it along.
I just had a weird thought jump into my head (which I guess is how I get most internal messages these days--mostly from inner wisdom). My "production" was about kiddie porn. The antidote for having been in kiddie porn? It was very intense yesterday. Sarah McLachlan's song was "it" and I knew I would incorporate mostly images I acquired for the blog as well as survivor art. Beginning at 7 am yesterday, I worked pretty much straight through until 3:30 am when it was uploading to YouTube. When I woke up, a really scary collage was the selected image. eeks! Maybe...just maybe, it will be viewed by someone who can do something in the law enforcement arena.
Lately I've realized how intense and driven I get on this topic. It's what it feels like post healing when someone moves "out front", "takes the driver's seat", whatever term you use. I can't say I don't have moments when I suddenly sound like "not me", but, for the most part, I'm integrated. In my case, several highly functioning adults integrated into the outside world with me. That may not make sense to anyone else. I've not seen it in the literature and no one else I know has had a similar experience. The adults are strong and healed. Am guessing "Crusader Rabbit" identifies the adult with the drive for advocacy. I'm very aware now of the subtle shift into great intensity. It does make it important that I balance that with fun.
A commenter yesterday asked that I share more about integration. I won't be addressing that till later in Forbidden Topic but will share as appropriate (or as thoughts fly into my head) here. Through the majority of my healing I could go inside. Possibly I preferred being inside. I could have a dialog with any protector at any moment. Sometimes it seemed that they had some kind of guard duty schedule. lol. Now, what I believe to be permanent aspects of my inner wisdom are basically all who is readily there although I have very little dialog. Sometimes I miss that.
At times of great distress--and there were so many this past year with my medical nightmare--I can count on encouragement, support, and guidance to get me through. I remain and always will be in awe of that internal power. I believe each of us has it. Many of my therapy clients were able to tap into that aspect of themselves (regardless of diagnosis or issue) and it was life changing for those who were able to do that. I guess we (the survivors) could view that as an advantage since our inner wisdoms kicked in likely when we were preverbal or barely talking.
Life is calmer, quieter, less PTSD, fewer triggers, and dramatically less fear. I am blessed to have my first completely conscious relationship in my life with a wonderfully supportive person. Even with that, at times I still get that "I'm just tired, I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up" message. It's been there since high school. I know I need to shift into intensified self care mode when I hear that.
Today is a good day. I'm sleepy but not depressed. I'm happy the video is out there. Feel free to pass it on.
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