Post Trial Reflections

Now that the verdict is in on the Sandusky trial, I’m ready to speak out on the greater story. A highly visible sports figure has a secret life sexually abusing children and teens within the walls of a major university. Already other universities are scrutinizing their policies and rules to prevent similar circumstances. That’s the positive outcome. The nation is more aware of how child predators can operate by hiding in plain sight.

Those who are not familiar with the government’s involvement in funding universities to participate in illicit research and programs are urged to google Penn State University and MK-Ultra…or universities and MK-Ultra. Nearly every major university agreed to participate in illicit activities for funding back in the 50s through 70s (known) and beyond (believed and assumed). After the congressional investigative hearings of the 70s on MK-Ultra, it is widely believed that the program went further underground and likely goes by other names. Primarily, there is a government or government contractor related component of this organized pedophilia. Click here to download the Senate Hearings on MKULTRA in PDF format.

The CIA director in the early 70s ordered all MK-Ultra documents destroyed prior to the hearing but some survived and much related to the program has been declassified since the hearings. The component that goes with the pedophilia is research to promote dissociation in children. One of the “easiest” ways to traumatize a child and trigger the dissociative mechanism is frequent sexual abuse. Among other “benefits” to the government and abusers was that having a dissociative child (which only happens if abuse begins usually by age 6-9) is the lack of memory for any abuse for decades. It is possible some of Sandusky’s younger victims may not remember for another decade or more. It would behoove legislators who claim to want to prevent child abuse and bring perpetrators to justice to remove all time limitations for victims to come forward.

We may never know how entrenched Penn State was in the underworld but It is clear they were still allowing pedophiles to thrive within their walls without penalty until Sandusky finally was caught. You can believe behind and above and next to Sandusky lies an entire network of pedophiles and a flow of funds from a covert government agency.

What also is evident is the fear the victims had in facing their abuser. The threats told to children repeatedly instill fear beyond comprehension to maintain their silence. I salute all who came forward for the trial. And my message to those too fearful to testify is that you are not alone. You are able to heal from such trauma with time and therapy.

Photo Credit: http://www.blackberrywirelessphone.com/pages/2763/Sharper-Image.htm

Defining Moments on the Road to Healing

Healing from DID sucks. It’s one mindbender after another coming out of the muck of subconsciousness and flopping into reality. Those of us in that journey are left figuring out what to do with the crap that just landed in our heads.

My journey is into its 14th year and I am still being stunned. I decided to share my most defining moments (i.e. the ones most difficult to accept and process and move on). This sharing is meant to help educate those with loved ones trudging through the muck to a more healed place and perhaps let survivors who are on the road to healing feel validated.

#1 My father sexually abused me. It is freakish to have a memory of something that has been hidden within amnesia for more than four decades. But when that first memory surfaced, it made complete sense of all the blanks in my therapy up to that point. The sexual dysfunction that kicked in shortly after each of my marriages…the resistance I felt to working on the resistance…the seeming jealousy my father had for my teenage boyfriends that sometimes ended in rage directed at me.
For me, learning I had DID was a relief which is a vastly different response from most. However, the two following defining moments created within me the response most have to learning they have DID.

#2 My father took me to graveyards where people were chanting. I had never heard the words “ritual abuse” before but was certain what I was remembering was true after diving into research about it cross-referenced with my own conscious timeline. I was still thinking he was just a sociopath and I got dragged into his world. Learning the government was part of some of the cults unnerved me because he was career military.

#3 The most shocking realization is the bigger picture. I was intentionally made DID through a government sanctioned program…likely MK-Ultra which went underground after the Senate hearings in the 70s. Understanding how our government condoned the kind of trauma/torture/horror I was remembering to create dissociation and alters just leaves me speechless. What else can one say? It’s evil. It’s licensed pedophilia at its most benign.

And it was after THAT realization that I came to the ever haunting: Who am I really and what was my reality if the life I remember was only the “cover story”. Everything at that moment becomes a lie: family, relationships, ability to trust. Who is safe to turn to for help? It’s shocking and terrifying.

"They spun a web for me." Coldplay, Trouble

#4 I met other survivors of government abuse (which included ritual abuse) online through a support group. I was blessed to meet most of the people from that group in person at a conference in 1998. Some remain my friends today. It was in that group that some shared memories of Mengele. I chose to believe that another abuser used Mengele’s name to make it more unbelievable. I was raised Jewish and the thought of that Nazi’s hands being near me made my blood curdle.

Through research I learned of Operation Paperclip and had validation that Mengele was part of that ushering of Nazis to the U.S. and other havens in exchange for their “knowledge” gained from their experiments in medicine (at the concentration camps) as well as rocket science. I also continued my then quest of acquiring and watching every video I could find on the perp names that came up for me. Many of my collages pointed to Mengele but still no memories surfaced. It was my second or third video on Mengele’s life that included a clip of him singing a song. When I heard it, I can’t explain the horror and chaos that happened within my being. It took weeks to settle down from knowing I was not only in his presence but he had touched me, hurt me, and programmed me…early childhood programming. It still curdles my blood.

Once I accepted I was an intentionally made multiple by my own government with my father’s approval and active involvement, programmed to do the bidding of the government, primarily covert and possibly illegal activities, the rest was undoing what was done to me. There was sort of a “same old, same old” feel to finding programming and dismantling through the help of insiders and freeing the alters  connected to it. I was surprised at how much self-destruct programming I ran into, but it was not a defining moment. With the help of my therapist, we undid anything that came up. I was very proud that I had healed to integration in 2003 without any hospitalizations.

I was proud to earn my Masters in Counseling and went to work immediately. Most who follow me know of my short-lived psychotherapist career due to extreme medical issues from 2007 to 2008 which caused me to be on disability. It also created a setback in my integration and alters began appearing again. All was going smoothly with that aspect of healing until defining moment #5.

#5 News of father’s death in early February compounded with my existing level of depression at the time. His death triggered a program unknown to me, although I now see it in many collages on Polyvore over the past years but had no idea what I was seeing. The program first went off on March 10 when I watched myself overdose on four handfuls of pills interrupted by my partner who called 911. It happened so quickly it made my head spin.

In the few days after discharge from the hospital to be seen by a facility specializing in dissociation, my Polyvore sets revealed the overdose was the first in a chain reaction of suicide methods meant to be implemented by alters still loyal to the abusers until their mission was accomplished. I was terrified to be in my own body. I felt environmentally safe at the trauma center but believed my body could stop my heart or create an aneurysm. It took nearly two weeks at the center before the programming was disarmed.

The truly defining point of all of that was recently realizing I was only three years old when the groundwork to that program was put in place. It was 1955 and my father’s death was 55 years later which also freaked me out. Father’s death or 55 years after “installing” the program, whichever came first? Perhaps I had a double whammy that both happened in the same year.
Regardless, I watched myself swallow those pills and didn’t fight back. That will always stay with me.

While take pills apparently didn’t have me fighting for my life, the methods of suicide that went with the other alters in line terrified me. I had thought I was fine from the time of realizing the extent of the program to seeing my therapist again to undo it. But it went off and bam I was in the hospital. Am still reeling. Even though I know I am now safe, my worst fear did come true. I can hope all is dismantled. Another program went off after I was discharged but my therapist and I successfully stopped it. Now the parts are healing and telling me more of my programming history. And I realized today it is two days shy of 5/5. It all means something. Am confident that second program that surfaced after discharge had a “deadline” of 5/5. Thank you to my alters who chose not to die and helped me with the information to stop it.

Is there more? If so, can it possibly be stronger? I have to believe all is well and believe in my healing abilities to tell me otherwise If the time comes. As defining and awful as these moments during the journey have been, they have not defined me. I am not the evil they wanted me to be. The journey is not over and I am waiting for a new antidepressant to kick in so I’m still having passive suicidal thoughts but once actively suicidal alters are healing. Yes, healing sucks, but I am going to Paris next Spring. And of my own free will. Guess I can’t ask for more than that. There can be good in life with DID.

Layers and layers

Whatever happened in my dissociated life was so well orchestrated and obviously tested for years before "they" were successful with it. Since technology was part of creating my internal world, it is likely from personal accounts that the really sophisticated government or private institutions involved in the child exploitation "factories" began in the 50s. I have met survivors that recall being "demos" or experimental models for new programming or enhancing existing program. My memory is of no mistakes. They did it right.

The national mindset of the Cold War (and I question the concept of a Cold War at all), was mind control and higher levels of intelligence to tap into other realms of the brain were desired traits in someone who would not remember. That means highly influential people sat around discussing engineering (?) plans for implementing something like Dragonfly? I don't know for certain it was called Dragonfly. I think just being born into the Operation Paperclip/Nazi/U.S. cooperation environment led me down their predetermined path.

The answers I'm getting are so intricate. Many layers of programming over the years. I'm seeing many collages breaking down the layers to see how and where they connect; how elements of Wizard of Oz and Alice and Wonderland cross over to create my internal "flip system" for a strong male gender identity. I wish I knew if anyone else has gotten such detail about the trauma aspect and the unraveling of their handiwork. The information I don't have and don't ever want is how they actually made it work.

The release I'm feeling that all is completely undone is good. Awhile ago I explained that the fusion was between Ellie (who had integrated inside of me) and Jane (who had all her core parts integrated into her). My sense is that Jane and Ellie (now completely fused) are catching up on their lives since being apart since about age 3. The brain connections are being made so quickly. Much programming, referred to as split brain programming, is now healing because of this communication between Jane and Ellie. The collages are their way of showing me their sharing. Am feeling a bit like odd man out and wonder if there won't be yet another fusion down the road where I become part of "knowing" what I'm now seeing.

I was known as polyfragmented so am not surprised at how many steps of healing I'm finding. I am happy that I do keep healing and it keeps taking me to a better place overall. If I wanted to write a fictional story about a child who was part of the known government program MK-Ultra and followed their dissociated life, I would not understand completely. I get that world. I get that my father was part of that world and part of that Army and part of that Military Intelligence. The invisibility and unbelievability remain the biggest battles to bring the major child protection organizations on board...assuming the child protection organizations have that as a genuine goal. Can't help but be a little skeptical with what was my life. Maybe someone from the Obama administration will peek into this? Ask Joe Biden! His name is on the documents. He KNOWS!

Let the truth be known

For the first few years of my recovery, I journaled my trauma as it oozed from my subconscious as well as my healing process. What surfaced was a world I never knew existed. I've spoken of healing through collages. I have several trunks full of collages and research and drawings and doodles and scribblings. I gave a short presentation at the 1998 SMART conference on "scrapbook therapy" and how it could benefit healing as well as internal communication. I gave a longer presentation at the 1999 SMART conference. It was also at that time I had completed my book Paperclip Dolls documenting my healing to that point. My pen name and survivor name was Annie McKenna.

It's safe to say I really didn't know who I was at the time memories came up that included such government programs as Operation Paperclip (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4443934.stm) and MK-Ultra (http://www.arts.rpi.edu/~pellr/lansberry/mkultra.pdf). I found numerous survivors online with the same type of memories. I was deathly afraid of seeking a therapist who would be safe because of the content of my surfacing story. Becoming a psychotherapist didn't become a thought in my mind until 2000. I was able to enter a grad school counseling program in summer 2001. I made the transition from the world of what has been dubbed conspiracy theory to functionally healed survivor entering a new life chapter in a new career.

Note: The URLs provided above do not work if used in a hyperlink. Please cut and paste into your browser to get to the document.

In hindsight, I realize how focused I was on the unbelievability of my own memories and researching for hours a day only to find continued validation rather than information negating the memories that came from my murky dissociated past. Now that I'm beyond integration with much slowed new memory content and many resolved triggers, I realize now it doesn't matter what happened to me--only that I healed. But dealing with the memory content is, I believe, a stage of healing requiring focus to understand the breadth and intensity of the abuse.

I have been living in fear of having been Annie McKenna and now living my life as Grace the psychotherapist-blogger-writer-advocate. Last night I completed my application to the Obama Transition Project. I wanted to no longer have to hide that I was Annie McKenna. The new presidency is about openness. I shouldn't have had to feel shame about my history, but having had DID is still not completely accepted in my own profession, although it's the focus of treatment for my professional colleagues. Therapists who are also survivors mostly stay in the shadows so we can do the work we want to help others through that difficult healing journey.

For the first time ever, a professional organization of therapists who work with clients with DID, has opened discussion of the world of ritual and government abuse, both with the common denominator of organized pedophilia. For a therapist to speak of ritual abuse or government mind control has been taboo. Major strides have been made in the past few years. A presentation by professional colleagues was given to the United Nations to highlight the torturous methods used by groups of pedophiles to create dissociation. This is known to be a worldwide issue.

After 11 years of healing and living in both worlds, I still can't say what really happened to me other than a sh*tload of trauma. I know certain things were very real while other details are fuzzy. I was led to so much information about government abuse of its own citizens that I could not believe in anything political. I am aware of officials in my local government and/or agencies that have at least one person protecting the secrets of organized pedophilia. It is my hope that, under the new presidency, there might be a commission or task force to address these layers of government with the secrets as well as redirect the focus for survivors of abuse to safely report known "cult" activity and seek help. It would also require that health insurance companies be mandated to cover the more intense therapy needed for a survivor to heal from DID, and a new way for all of law enforcement and other helping agencies to view dissociation and work with victims of sophisticated abuse.

I want to be part of that change. The reason you don't see other therapists jumping on the bandwagon with this issue is that careers could be at stake. I'm in a place right now where my career is on hold and I can advocate from my home. I want it to be okay to be me to include my first few years of healing.

My book is no longer available although I'm going to try to make it available through Kindle. The SMART website still sells cassette tapes of each presentation from each SMART conference if anyone is interested. I don't benefit from sales. I've spoken in the Forbidden Topic blog about most techniques for which I gave presentations. What I have avoided in the blog are details about government and other key words that tend to cause the greater public to immediately dismiss the survivor. I am a survivor of that crap. I lived to heal. I lived to help others heal. And now I would like to be part of the change--to be proud of my country and my government once again.

Photo: My "nursery school" graduation photo. My mother has no recollection of my having been at nursery school, nor does my older sister. She was age 6 when I was 3. Look at the size of the diploma. Where are the other children? Why is "no one home" in my expression? Why is it a dirty area? Where was I when my mother thought I was in nursery school? If you look at the photo in enlarged detail, you can see the bruises under my lip and the blood on my lips. My mother always showed me that picture describing it as nursery school when she used to show it to me. Part of my manufactured childhood.

Pedophile Network into Government

I'm so sick of this stuff. The county in which I had tried to enlist help for my client who is still being horrifically harmed by a group of male perps, just had it's former County Commissioner arrested for illegal sexual activities. He videotaped himself 100 to 500 times having sexual encounters with young men, most of whom he hired as escorts. It's so obvious on our local level. No wonder law enforcement won't touch it or puts the blame on victims. They don't want any part of shaking up the system that supports the perverse activities of those who could impact the employment of a "whistleblower".

I was personally attacked by the county Attorney General's office and a local rape crisis unit in attempting to advocate for my client under constant attack by "child alter predators" for lack of a better term. We need a new vocabulary to include these acts of rape and education with a safe way of reporting for victims as well as enforcers of the law.

I'm guessing it happens nationally but there are a few cemeteries in my greater area that are attacked on a regular basis by "vandals". Except that it takes heavy duty construction equipment to knock over the tombstones which would be impossible by a few teenage thugs. A recent local news report told of a cemetery where vandalism happened on the same night for several weeks in a row. Well why the heck wasn't there a surveillance camera on that third week? Is it just me? Why wouldn't it be THAT simple? Unless it really wasn't the intent to find the "vandals". And why doesn't law enforcement get real and look at the dates on the calendar set up by the perps for their meetings to see that every year the cemeteries are attacked on the same days or within the same time period?

I was able to do that online to see the pattern. I'm not law enforcement. Do you know how many people come to this website by searching for pedophile sites? It sickens me. Who do I report that to? Does anyone care? Yoohoo. Looking for pedophiles? Follow these IP addresses.

I hope Obama is elected and has the power to truly shake out the government of all the secret connections to pedophilia and put an end to whatever was started during the Cold War. Some of the most active in the publicly known shame of MK-Ultra are still alive.

Look at this quote taken from this description of MK-Ultra:

The Agency [CIA] poured millions of dollars into studies probing dozens of methods of influencing and controlling the mind. One 1955 MK-ULTRA document gives an indication of the size and range of the effort; this document refers to the study of an assortment of mind-altering substances described as follows:

1. Substances which will promote illogical thinking and impulsiveness to the point where the recipient would be discredited in public.

Gee, doesn't this sound like what happens to adult survivors with DID? We are discredited and it was intentional. I believe there is no greater example of government and world psychiatric involvement with MK-Ultra than this. Documents exist that prove Canadian psychiatrist Ewen Cameron was the recipient of funds from MK-Ultra to do mind control experiments at the Allan Memorial Institute of McGill University in Canada. His victims were unwitting participants and suffered lifelong aftereffects. During his time of involvement with the government program in the 50s and 60s, Cameron was the head of the World Psychiatric Association as well as president of both the Canadian and American Psychiatric Associations. The Canadian government knew of the involvement and provided additional funding!

This was the known beginning of government agencies involved in ordinary citizens becoming unwitting victims of human experimentation. Rather than provide citations, I encourage interested readers to google a few key words and learn for yourself. Read the actual documents as opposed to someone interpreting "on your behalf". You be the judge. It has never been acknowledged that children were used as part of MK-Ultra yet, simultaenously, children were being used by the Department of Energy as cited in another post on this blog. Why wouldn't they use children? Why wouldn't they tap into the evil nature of pedophiles among their own ranks? Why do so many with DID who grew up in the 50s and 60s have similar memories of government and hospitals and institutions connected to universities? It's all in the MK-Ultra hearings. The survivors are the proof.

The former County Commissioner arrested in my area this week is proof. The woman I used to treat will soon no longer be able to tell her story. Everything connects to everything. I pray for a new government...the sooner the better. At some point good people will tune in and listen and find those missing 600,000 children reported by the FBI in 2007 as adult victims with a diagnosis of DID and needing mental health care to help them heal from so many years as the invisible abused. Let's not wait another 30 to 50 years to learn the truth about these children.

Question your reality. Check the facts. Don't let the media think for you.

Falling awake from amnesia

**Viewing the video may be triggering to unhealed survivors**




I've been trapped in my creative flow lately. I think I just completed the last video for awhile. It taps into all my energy although I'm pleased with the result in educational terms. The new video was created to help the greater world understand what it's like for trauma memories to begin to seep through consciousness in sleep. Images of what might be typically innocent objects come up as trauma with no meaning initially. Puzzle pieces that will eventually make sense. The logical brain tries to put the pieces together, but the pieces initially viewed may not even go with the same puzzles(s). Fitful sleep is a problem for all with DID. Some medications help but don't stop the brain's natural process of releasing the trauma.

It was challenging to create a dreamscape. Often dreams continue in a similar manner to the leaking memories. A continuing dream is a sign that it likely goes with a memory. Often survivors become fearful of going to sleep. I personally chose to sleep on the sofa for about a year since I seemed not to have memories when I didn't go to sleep in bed. Eventually nightmares began on the sofa as well. Since major healing, I rarely have the trauma nightmares. I still often awake having had a dream with elements of my unknown past feeling scared or trapped. It's "softened". I wonder if it ever fully processes. I do have periods of time with no dreams. I don't seem to dream at all unless some element of my dissociated past is included.

Before memories, I had wonderful dreams and strange typically odd dreams from bits and pieces of my conscious world. I also had my share of nightmares which I always viewed as just nightmares and something normal.

Lately, I'm a bit overwhelmed realizing how society and government as we know it now is so inculcated with this pedophilia web. It's a shame it keeps getting passed on because the abusers from my past are in their 70s and 80s now...mostly. I keep waiting to see their obituaries. Do you realize that government money supports the abuse of our children? Some subheading of a subheading in the budget.

So as not to sound too "out there", I'd like to suggest you check out the Dept. of Energy's website disclosing it's human radiation experiments which included children during the Cold War. And let us not forget the Tuskeegee experiments, the radiation in the oatmeal of orphans, nonconsensual testing of soldiers, injecting terminally ill cancer patients with Plutonium without their knowledge at Massachusetts General Hospital in the 40s and 50s, and more.

Somehow the records of these projects are never released or found until 30 to 40 years after the secret experiments. If you search for government human experimentation, there is a list showing known experiments as recently as 2000. Where in the government are today's human experimentation projects hidden and funded? Think Agent Orange, the measles vaccine where Kaiser Permanente has been implicated in a class action suit, and numerous references to biological experimentation on soldiers who gave no consent and had no knowledge until after the fact. It makes me wonder about bird flu and something else that turned up in the US in the past few years that hadn't been here before.

Possibly having biology labs, and military and government elements in memories (proven or not) causes one to question the government's allegiance to its own citizens. I can't tell you how tragic it was for me to remember something scientific in a memory/dream only to learn it was true. This is why speaking the truth is forbidden. It's too big to stop. But the secrecy aspect of anything can only go on as long is goes unquestioned by the humanity of our world. By the way, reading or hearing anything scientific or mathematical is a trigger to me. How does that happen if trauma didn't get connected to it? Just something to consider.

It doesn't matter if what I remember or other survivors with similar memories are recalling is truth. Questioning is good. Demanding disclosure is good. Senator Kennedy was part of declassifying many documents related to experiments on unwitting college students, military and government employees and citizens in the early 1970s. However, the person in charge of the program known as MK-Ultra destroyed as many documents as he could prior to the hearings (see Wikopedia's page on this topic). A group of people who had been targeted for experimentation under this program in Canada were finally successful in receiving a settlement from the CIA.

In reviewing the link to the MK-Ultra hearings, I just noticed that Senator Biden was on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence investigating MK-Ultra. Why weren't the citizens of the nation outraged when that was going on? There was barely a ripple.

Waking up from amnesia is definitely a double edged sword. I wish America would wake up and smell the deception and subhuman elements of our government and society...before I die. That is my wish. The background song to the new video is Gary Jules's "Mad World". Yeah, it is.