A Lifetime Sentence

I can recall two times in my life when I wasn’t burdened by thoughts of death. In the 18th year of my marriage, just before my life fell apart because of DID, I believed I would spending the rest of my life with my husband. It took me years to feel it would last “forever”. I was happy.

Post-known DID, after grad school, I was thrilled to immediately go into practice as a full time counselor. I had fully integrated in November 2002 and began as a full time counselor in 2003. For some unanalyzed reason, I became very depressed in late 2004…early 2005. A small dose of Cymbalta had me feeling beyond where I’d ever felt before in terms of happiness and joy. Basically I had early 2005 to mid-2007 without the death wish.

Not all with DID have the death wish as pervasively as others. Those of us with structured dissociation were introduced so early and so often to feeling life wasn’t worth living, it likely became “hard wired”. A term that basically means a message imbedded in the brain. It’s there to stay and we have to learn to cope with it because the message doesn’t change. The reason behind the madness was if we ever began to come out of our dissociation, we would be overwhelmed with suicide messages to ensure the abuser secrets.

As a moderator of Adult Survivors of Abuse on Polyvore, I constantly see those in early stages of DID struggling with suicidal messages or “life is too hard” messages. Yet I also see those who have been in therapy for years still struggling not to end it all just to not have to live through another day.

My message began in high school although I wrote poems about death as early as grades 2 through 4. In high school, it did feel as if someone else was giving me that message from inside. Apparently I’m reintegrated after falling apart by 2008 from medical trauma. That was complicated by my father’s death in early February. I found the alter holding the strong suicidal thoughts, and she is becoming more comfortable with the healing and healed insiders but she is still very sad and angry.

I never acted on my messages although it was a grueling struggle not to just take pills so I would not have to wake up again. When most every single day is a struggle, even after a decade or more of healing, one wonders if it’s really worth it. I would be the first to tell another that it IS worth it. It’s not all bad any more. But little seems to be good. Healing from DID is not an ending. It’s the beginning of learning how to live without the automatic filter of dissociation.

Today, to aid in my healing and struggle with death messages since my father’s death, I had a massage that draws negative energy out of the body…drains it from the body. I’m not certain if it is a good thing that I feel so suicidal now. Possibly all that stuck message is leaving the brain but also am “hearing” it at the same time. I have another massage next week to make sure it’s all moving along and out of the body.

I do have hopes and dreams. I don’t always remember all of them all of the time, but I have to believe that those achievable dreams are worth the fight. It sounds trite to say that dangling a carrot in front the nose can keep us alive. But, in reality, that’s what it boils down to for me.

Today I saw an art set by a Polyvore group member stating she had attempted suicide while a preteen and many times since. She’s now an adult and still just wanting to give up. Living with DID is not easy. My life may never be “easy”. It’s difficult to believe my life only had 3-1/2 really good years. Since I had no awareness of abuse or mind control until I was 44, the depression was not nearly as visible or intense. At 58, how much can I reasonably expect to change? Rebuilding muscles that once were in excellent shape is very slow baby steps. The medical complication on top of the DID. Goal: Paris 2012. Maybe life will look different then.

Nobody's Child

Yesterday I saw the movie Unknown with Liam Neeson. Early in the movie, his character is in an accident and has amnesia for some of his life. Without giving away the ending, I just want to say his questions were my questions. I am still thinking about the film and beyond. All the unanswered questions of my life.

If my birth was planned to have a child for the covert government program, whose child am I? Not anyone who claims me. Most of the world doesn't believe the government would have hurt or be hurting, raping, torturing children for "national security" reasons. The government has never taken care of me in a good way. And the people I thought were my parents cast me aside as soon as I began to remember.

I was raised by people training me to do their evil deeds who certainly never wanted me to remember them. In my "cover story" home, I did love my mother. But she left me alone with my abusive father who terrified me. I know in hindsight his job from the beginning was to maintain the terror that was needed in my government world to continue creating my dissociative structure.

I was passed from one "handler" to another and have no idea how many I've had in my lifetime. I am certain of two along with others who were primarily programming or training me, always to be covered over by an intentionally horrific and traumatizing memory in hopes I'd never reach the memories below telling me what was really happening in my life.

Because the purpose of my life was to be a controlled multiple, the majority of my life was outside of my conscious awareness. I lived a backwards life. No love, no nurturing, no free will. Cues and commands and codes...like a robot or machine.

So who am I? What am I? I'm healing from something few believe happened. I'm healing from a diagnosis that is swept under the rug by psychological and psychiatric communities, not to mention the universities, hospitals, and military and government entities complicit in the program.

After more than a decade of research and healing by processing surfacing memories combined with conscious knowledge, I think technology has replaced the need to create a population of mind-controlled adults beginning at birth with a lifetime of trauma at least for the purposes they had in mind. I do believe the underground world of pedophilia and child slavery use the intentional dissociation to create life long "slaves" which has become a huge nightmare worldwide.

The covert government (and obviously some overt government) have achieved their 1947 goal of creating a fear-based nation where war makes the money for the few and those few make the decisions for the rest of us. Are we that psycho-civilized society of Jose M. R. Delgado's "dreams"? Is it too late to turn back?

Are you really a citizen of a land of free will? I was not and do not believe I am now because I can see now. I am not dissociated to the rest of the world. I am nobody's child. I was not born. I was produced by the underbelly of our country for evil purposes. Much has been "born" from the premise of national security "for your protection".

Can a country willing to torture children from birth to create a society of Manchurian Candidates and beyond really have its citizen's best interests at heart? Until that underworld is eradicated, I can assure you thousands more will surface, predominantly children of military and government-related employees born from 1947 through the 60s.

I am Nobody's Child and everyone's nightmare. Who am I now in this non-dissociated life? If my purpose in life is not to tell the truth, I do not understand the universe.

It’s not forgetting, it’s a detour gone awry

I recently had an epiphany…sort of an epiphany…after several pieces of knowledge fell into place in the past few weeks. To help you understand why this is so important here is the initial problem:

My downstairs is the living room and the kitchen area. I had come to call the doorway into the kitchen the portal of lost memory. Up to about a year ago, if I didn’t carry a note with me saying what I wanted in the kitchen, the thought would be lost completely. But I usually ended up with the pantry door, refrigerator, or some cabinet open with me standing there wondering what I was looking for. Going back to the living room would remind me because I’d go to reach for something that wasn’t there. Hope you can follow this.

More recently, the same thing happens but I can retrace my thoughts to what  I wanted rather than go back into the living. Here is why that is so pivotal to know.

I saw a video explanation of how neurons work in the brain provided to me by a friend. In the past, anything dealing with how the brain works was too triggering for me to watch. But I watched in fascination able to relate how a thought needs a path of neurons to act on it.

In a conversation with a friend who also has DID, I had wondered out loud why I can’t always get direct answers from inside…but sometimes I can. She replied that my inner guide has to use the same brain as me and I have big gaps in neurons so the message wouldn’t get through. Answers mostly come to me in pieces like a puzzle that then have to be assembled.

Yesterday I wanted a protein bar from a cabinet in the kitchen. The next thing I knew I was standing at the refrigerator with an ice pack in my hand. I put the ice pack back, shook my head and laughed at myself. Then I was able to recall the original thought and get my protein bar.

Ding, ding, ding! I’m NOT forgetting. The brain has a process to turn thought into action and I am missing neurons all over the place. But at least I’m getting to the right room. It’s like that old game of Gossip. By the time a message is whispered to the last person, the original message is completely mixed up.

Why is this a good thing? Because it’s proof neurons are healing. I had an integration of sorts on 1/1/11 and two new emerging fragments are beginning to heal. Studies have shown that the brains of those with DID do heal. I went from carrying a piece of paper or losing all to having a neuron path that retains the original information even if the path leads me to the wrong door. I have a path!

As I continue to heal, more neurons will fill in. No one can say if I’ll ever actually fill the path in completely but I’ve reached a much better understanding. And I’m not forgetful. I’m neuron-challenged.

"...a perpetual state of emergency"

 Yesterday I was researching Jose M. R. Delgado for the umpteenth time and came across a PBS Documentary. I saw the 24 minute version. There is also a 90 minute version which can be viewed through a link below the link I've provided. The documentary is narrated by Bill Moyers. A BBS production is also provided for free. This very relevant 24-minute synopsis of the impact of the creation of the National Security Council and the CIA in 1947 explains how we have come to this age of our "War on Terror".

 After an introduction to Operation Paperclip, when the U.S. allied with the Nazis and brought them into our country for nefarious purposes, the documentary states:

“So began the morality of the Cold War. Anything goes. The struggle required a mentality of permanent war, a perpetual state of emergency. It had met a vast new apparatus of power that radically transformed our government. Its foundations were laid when President Truman signed into law the National Security Act of 1947.” 

The documentary shows how the CIA's objective was to maintain control in other countries that were not providing what the U.S. needed. It spoke of takeovers in Guatemala, Iran, Chile, Laos, and, of course, Vietnam. My father was one of the "advisors" sent into Vietnam in 1961, during the years the CIA was setting into place the environment for U.S. involvement in a "conflict" in Vietnam. It was the first validation for me that my father was indeed involved in covert military intelligence operations in cooperation with the CIA...psyops. The documentary explained the CIA's role in Iran in reinstating the Shah and then working with the Shah in his underground torture realm which kept dissidents silent. My family lived in Iran in the mid 1960s. 

Since my personal history began to come out of amnesia ten years ago, I have long believed my father was training Iranian military to torture. He was also in Thailand in 1969 just when the CIA's involvement in Laos was becoming known. Backing up to his origins in the military, he was first in Korea I believe in 1947 but definitely 1948 when the CIA was very much interested in mind control that had been used on POWs in North Korea ("Manchurian Candidate"). 

My father kept me in a constant state of terror. The government has kept the U.S. in a constant state of terror. I believe that has become much more evident since 9/11. When that tragedy began to settle down we had Anthrax and Avian flu and Saran attacks. Mass weapons of destruction that were never found kept the country on tenterhooks.

At the end of the documentary, the question is asked: "... The one thing that we are sure of is that this largely secret global war carried on with less and less accountability to democratic institutions, has become a way of life. And now we are faced with a question brand new in our history. Can we have the permanent warfare state and democracy too?” 

Is any president able to stand up to the monumental groundwork that has been laid since 1947 to stop the insanity? The forces at work are far stronger than any president no matter how great his intentions. This war on terror without rules and made intentionally covert has been running our country, is responsible for all the human experimentation created by the Department of Human Radiation, MK-Ultra, and other black ops programs now in place...brought forward and refined since 1947 but previously mastered by the Nazis.

Also available for free viewing online: Conspiracy of Silence, "a powerful, disturbing documentary revealing a U.S. child sex abuse and pedophilia ring that leads to the highest levels of government. Featuring intrepid investigator John DeCamp a highly decorated Vietnam war veteran and 16-year Nebraska state senator, Conspiracy of Silence reveals how rogue elements at all levels of government have been involved in systematic child sex abuse and pedophilia to feed the base desires of key politicians."

This brings me back to Jose Delgado who is still alive and working in Spain. I finally found validation I needed that the government indeed provided funding for experiments on children. And I was one of Delgado's children:

Dr. Jose Delgado, a neurosurgeon and Yale professor, received funding for brain electrode research on children and adults. In the 1950s, he developed a miniature electrode placed within an individual’s cranium capable of receiving and transmitting electronic signals. Delgado was able to control the movements of his subjects by pushing buttons on a remote transmitter..." He was the inventor of what is now known as the microchip devised to "protect" us. Because we all need to be protected by our National Security Agencies by whatever means possible. We the public need to wake up and figure out how to get this back under control.

In 1974 Delgado testified in front of The Congressional Church Committee investigating MK-Ultra. He made his views very clear:

"We need a program of psychosurgery for political control of our society. The purpose is physical control of the mind. Everyone who deviates from the given norm can be surgically manipulated. The individual may think that the most important reality is his own existence, but this is only his personal point of view. This lacks historical perspective Man does not have the right to develop his own mind. This kind of liberal orientation has great appeal. We must electrically control the brain. Some day armies and generals will be controlled by electric stimulation of the brain^."

Fast forward to these headlines:

Would a microchip keep your child safe?
December 18, 2003, BBC
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3307471.stm

Remote Control Device 'Controls' Humans

October 26, 2005, San Francisco Chronicle/Associated Press

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2005/10/25/financial/f133702D73.DTL

Radio frequency identification keeps tabs on goods, services, pets - even people
May 11, 2006, Sacramento Bee (the leading newspaper of California's capital city)
http://www.sacbee.com/content/lifestyle/story/14254188p-15069873c.html

An Orwellian solution to kids skipping school
2007-02-20, Atlanta Journal-Constitution (Atlanta's leading newspaper)
http://www.ajc.com/opinion/content/opinion/stories/2007/02/19/0220truants.html

U.S. Military May Implant Chips In Troops' Brains
2007-08-02, KUTV (CBS affiliate in Salt Lake City, Utah)
http://www.kutv.com/local_story_215001119.html

Is anyone out there?

Psyops to Pedophilia

The most documented evidence of a military tie to pedophilia is the former Lt. Col. Michael Aquino, head of PsyOps of the U.S. Army. While still active in his role in the Army, he self-proclaimed himself a satanist and began his Temple of Set in California. Here is an excerpt similar to many I have seen in my research on Aquino:

Throughout much of the 1980s, Aquino was at the center of a controversy involving the Pentagon's acquiescence to outright Satanic practices inside the military services. Aquino was also a prime suspect in a series of pedophile scandals involving the sexual abuse of hundreds of children, including the children of military personnel serving at the Presidio U.S. Army station in the San Francisco Bay Area. Furthermore, even as Aquino was being investigated by Army Criminal Investigation Division officers for involvement in the pedophile cases, he was retaining highest-level security clearances, and was involved in pioneering work in military psychological operations ("psy-ops")."

However, the majority of the U.S. population REFUSES to acknowledge cult activity or satanic activity. I'd like to be perfectly clear with my personal statement to the world. CULT and SATANIC are code for pedophile rings.

More validation comes from the case in Nebraska involving Paul A. Bonacci v. Lawrence E. King, a civil action in which the plaintiff charged that he had been ritualistically abused by the defendant, as part of a nationwide pedophile ring linked to powerful political figures in Washington and to elements of the U.S. military and intelligence establishment. Mr. Bonacci won the case.

I provide information that you can validate on your own. If you know of any of the history of the Nazi party, you know that they were required to worship Satan, where the intentional dissociation of children ensured a world for pedophiles. In the Temple of Set, Aquino welcomed neo-Nazi groups and had ties to the Nazis.

Now, if all could take a giant step backwards and see a covert plan between the Nazis and the U.S. as affirmed by Operation Paperclip as well as U.S. financed experiments in the concentration camps, possibly you might see a greater picture of the plan to dissociate the children of our country beginning with the military and its connections.

Which government is running our country...controlling our country. I invite all who read this to at least open their minds and check on some of these facts on your own. Does it sound preposterous? Yes. Is it? No.

The organizations who have been active in trying to catch pedophile rings online and rescue the children, have been able to trace back a fair number of stories to the government. It is real. They see it. Just today an article connected prostituting children from DynCorp to the military.

This is the website I used to cite the Aquino connection and the Bonacci case, but you can find much more on other more notable websites and books on this topic:
http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/satanic_subversion.htm

Maybe I should start Project Open Mind. Consider if I'm right.This missing link is acknowledging the CULT and SATANIC that keep the pedophile rings perfectly safe at their most destructive level.

Invasion of Privacy to Invasion of Bodies

A quote that often haunts me is by Josef Mengele: "The more we do to you, the less you seem to believe we are doing it." Only recently did the Department of Justice fess up to providing safe passage to many Nazi's post WWII, although books have been written about Operation Paperclip. Former Nazi, Wernher von Braun became the head of NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center and no one seemed to blink an eye. We needed his knowledge of rocket science, right? Did you also know the Nazi who ran lethal experiments to test the limits of compression on the human body was also ushered in? As was Josef Mengele. The report didn't admit to much specifically but it gave survivors of abuse at the hands of these monsters in the U.S. our first glimpse of validation.

In the name of national security, the means to the end was justified. The children of the Cold War were in their prime in their 20s and 30s but are now falling apart from the torturous abuse to create dissociated couriers, spies, soldiers, and whatever else might benefit from a person unable to recall a deed performed on command.

Fastforward to 9/11/2001. In the name of national security. Abuses by Homeland Security, bypassing the Geneva convention regarding rights of prisoners for certain crimes, and increasingly more invasive searches of our belongings and now our bodies at airports.

Soon all of the country will be "used to" our government telling us how we must submit our bodies to them. The option not to fly keeps citizens in the U.S. So many are repulsed by this new tactic, they don't know what to do. As a survivor of abuse, I speak likely for all in that category that these body searches so violate our healing. We lose our empowerment to say "no" to strangers touching us in ways we do not want to be touched.

A young girl trying to say "no" as she was taught to do if accosted by a stranger is brought to tears. A man with a catheter is completely humiliated when a TSA agent broke his catheter bag. A woman who had undergone a mastectomy was told she needed to show the agent her prosthetic breast. Is this okay? Why are we allowing the government to do this?

We are responding to every fear tactic as if putting out one fire at a time instead of working on a greater solution to the problem. And with my perspective of the world, people like the man with the shoe bomb and the explosive diapers were plants by our government to be used as justification for further invading our lives.

I'm sick of this encroachment. I'm not proud of our country for taking such actions. The government is for the people, yes? Then why are we not standing up to this instead of giving in. It's wrong.

Man up on flight marshals. And where are the profilers? Like the Criminal Minds profilers who read body language. Hire one for each airport for heaven's sake. That's profiling I think we can all live with and would want to live with. Take the ones out of line advised by the profiler and leave the rest of us alone!

I DO believe they are doing it, referring to U.S. special citizen Josef Mengele's quote. I write mostly about dissociation, which is not being aware of one's surroundings. Have we become a nation blind to what is happening to us? I fear we have.

Call to Action

Wasn't sure where to blog about this. Have been in healing mode for so long but wanting to make a difference. Even though I am feeling tired and a bit unfocused, I saw a tweet about a Call for Proposals for the The National Council for Community Mental Health Care. Their 41st National Council Mental Health and Addictions Conference was looking for proposals to speak from "regular" people in addition to their high profile speakers. One of the topics fit right in with my desire to educate re the connection between DID and organized pedophilia.

The passion rose up so quickly inside me. I'd never done a Call for Proposal before and the deadline was less than a week after I found it. I tweeted that it would be my dream to have a national audience. Attendees will be members of the organizations wanting to help and protect children.

I completed the application a few days before the deadline and it helped me focus on how I would make the presentation. Maybe some agencies don't want to know that tie, but I believe most would be surprised to learn their missions need to be revised in some way to address survivors of child porn, trafficking, etc.

I may barely make it to aquatherapy some days, but I am driven to make that presentation. Am hoping those who are followers of this blog send intentions and good energy to the National Council for this presentation to be made. It could be a great beginning of true awareness. Those chosen will become known in January.

A Matter of Medication

Recently I posted about a medication change that was not explained fully and apparently was in a manner that caused concern. I apologize for those who may have felt that way. My personal reality is that I am on medications for several physical conditions. Except for an antidepressant, I take little else for anxiety symptoms. My main medication for depression is Cymbalta. I've been at the maximum dosage for two years (120 mg/day). I had been trying an adjunct antidepressant in much smaller doses because it seemed as if I had become more depressed. I had been working with my psychiatrist on the adjunct meds which weren't working.

When I met with him last week, I spoke of feeling overly dosed since, logically, I was not nearly as depressed now as I was when I was in the midst of surgeries and a body falling apart and not working correctly. I was indeed a mess in 2008. My dose before all that happened was just 30 mg/day of Cymbalta. I asked if I could begin cutting back 30 mg for a two week period and then another 30 mg to see if I might stabilize at 60 mg.

He agreed it was worth a try. I've been on 90 mg a day for five days and yesterday I began to feel lighter. We both agreed the adjunct stuff was not working and was just causing me to deal with side effects each time I tried something new. But I never touched the dosage of my main Cymbalta without speaking to him first.

I am hopeful 60 mg will be my new daily maintenance dosage which would also allow room if I ever do need to go up a notch or so due to life circumstances rather than trying a second medication.

Most who are trauma survivors seem to be medication jugglers. I've just found that my intuition is often right and I find doctors who allow me to try what I sense to be right. We both know if I start to crash, it's not the right decision.

Because of what happened to me in 2007, I have learned to be a much more proactive patient. And I encourage all patients of any doctor to be knowledgeable in what is going on with their care and why/what medications are going to do. Speaking up doesn't come easily to many trauma survivors, but your medical care is a place where I believe it to be essential.

Trauma vs. Trauma

In my Believe the Children blog, I speak of Tyler who was trapped in the underworld of pedophilia by primary caregivers and their extended network for nearly two years. Recently I began to work with him again...my only client who I see in his home since I have no office or plans to return to trauma work. Since my disability began in 2008, Tyler had not received appropriate treatment for PTSD. He dissociated very little of the abuse and remembers most of what happened.

Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.

I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.

Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.

DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.

Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.

Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.

Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.

Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.

The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.

Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.

How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.

New Motivation for Writing

While spending time on Facebook I've come to know others with blogs who have healed to help others. In addition, I have met other survivors still in the struggle. One blog in particular, Emerging from Broken, has ignited new thoughts or reignited past thoughts on my experiences.

In following child protection organizations I have a renewed interest in compiling a book on how to spot children who might be under the control of a pedophile. The earlier we can spot the victims, the sooner the abusers can be put in jail and more children can be saved. Just today saw news about a male teacher who had 70 victims before his recent arrest. This is an unacceptable toll.

The entire child protection services system needs to be revamped to support the protection and healing as new victims are found. I can help with early identification if I had an interested audience. Agencies like PROTECT are being quite proactive in going after legislation and changing the old system.

So many hands are needed for this endeavor. Otherwise, the pedophile rings flourish in secrecy taking more and more victims and ensuring future generations of the same.

Some days I feel so overwhelmed by the problem, but if we each do what we know we can do, it can happen. Early identification, protection, and support for victims of pedophile rings who are usually born into that world...invisible to trained tactics for children abused outside the home.