Grace Uncensored

State of the Union

2011-10-09T16:28:00.000-04:00

Recently I watched the movie Inside Job which is an extremely well done documentary about the events leading up to the financial crash and bailouts and beyond. Matt Damon narrates. It's the first time I have heard an explanation I could follow clearly and grasp the entirety and gravity of the financial collapse...and financial power of this country.

The following is art I created for a contest to show the misery of one's country (a/k/a muralism):

Muralism USA by grace2244 on polyvore.com

It used to be called conspiracy theory that the world would be run be the wealthy few termed Illuminati, yet that is exactly where we are now. The Federal Reserve Bank, International Money Fund, World Bank, and financial institutions representing the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world are in control.

Republicans began the financial sector domination when President Reagan first started deregulating the banking industry. During the period when the banks were investing the average homeowner's mortgages into highly speculative products, the Securities and Exchange Commission did nothing. The one monitoring agency that attempted to implement regulation was shut down.

Obama came into office knowing the regulation needed to be reinstated. However, with a Republican Congress, he has been able to effectuate very little change. In fact, most recently, his choice for economic adviser, is being fought because the Republicans want nothing to do with regulation. Some of those involved in the highest levels of corruption that led to the financial collapse are Obama's advisers because he had to yield to the pressures.

Leaders of the financial institutions that our country bailed out were able to walk away with millions EACH in bonuses while the middle class suffered bank foreclosures on their homes in previously unseen numbers.

The only way to protect ourselves from continuing to live in this unregulated financial environment where the rich keep getting richer is to provide our Democratic President with a Democratic Congress.

Please watch the movie, do your own research, and decide for yourself.

Homeland - Terrorist or Brainwashed?

2011-09-19T12:02:00.000-04:00

Showtime aired a preview to its new series Homeland which officially airs October 2. The premise is a SEAL-like team invades a terrorist compound finding an MIA Marine who has been held captive 10 or more years. When found, the Marine is locked in a room and his hair has been ungroomed for the full length of his captivity. He returns home to hero's welcome.

Waiting at home (America) is a CIA agent who believes he may have become a traitor and is really a terrorist. She has his entire home bugged and watches him on her computer from home.

When being debriefed by the military and CIA, the Marine is shown a picture of the equivalent to Osama bin Laden. He tells the CIA agent that every Marine knew him as the target. When asked if he ever met the terrorist leader, Brody (the Marine) denies any meeting but we see him recalling being tortured and hanging upside down and barely making out the face of the enemy leader offering him water.

Later, Brody meets with the wife of the man he was taken captive with. She asks Brody if he knows how her husband died because she was never told anything of his death. She says she needs to know for closure. Brody tells her he was beaten to death. She asks if he was there when it happened. He tells her no. But we see him remembering having to beat his friend to death. When he has succeeded, he succumbs to tears and is comforted by the terrorist leader. I see this clearly as trauma bonding.

One of the 9/11 anniversary specials I watched was about the reign of terror by Saddam Hussein. It showed how close friends were made to carry out the tortures or death of a person sentenced to punishment. Brody being made to beat his friend to death was in keeping with Iraq's law of the land at the time.

My partner Brian wonders if Brody is now a Manchurian Candidate. I had no radar for that but made for an interesting discussion between us. My only experience with being "brainwashed" is through dissociation from a young age. But I am very focused on the Homeland story.

If a soldier is brainwashed to believe he must follow the commands of a terrorist leader, is that really being a terrorist or a victim at the hands of the terrorists? Clearly Brody has been horrifically tortured during his captivity. Knowing what I know about my healing process, Brody, if brainwashed to engage in terrorist activity on cue, he could also be helped to undo the harm.

Likely, though, the CIA would find him guilty and imprison him. Brody is remembering...not having flashbacks...but also is not sharing what he remembers. Obviously huge shame envelops his memories.

I will be watching to see how the plot unfolds. It's terrifying to know that I might have been made to do something illegal that I would be arrested for when it was totally at the hands of master brainwashers within our own government. This show hits very close to home.

Am hoping those who have followed my story and are able to watch this series might also see the grooming/breaking process of the terrorists and if Brody realizes for himself what happened and is able to share that without retribution...getting help in the process. I'm not sure our nation is ready to accept mind control (which can be undone) versus soldier-turned-traitor.

Must see tv.

Pedophilia To Become "Normalized"?

2011-09-08T14:06:00.000-04:00

This societal issue is sickening to me and to every other survivor of having been molested as a child. I have been watching a growing trend and stronger influence being forced by "pro-pedophile" members of the mental health community. Yes, that's right. Even mental health professionals (or persons in any category of life) can be pedophiles. They are now organizing to downgrade pedophilia from a crime to a mental disorder.

You can be certain any pro-child abuse movement has money and power behind it. Here is one link and you can research on your own for your personal edification.

Individuals don't have the power to fight such madness but organizations to protect children hopefully will pull together to stop this insanity. With the huge slavery trade that is now untouchable and highly infused within the international community and our governments, is this the next step? Is this part of an agenda to be society ruled by child-preying beings...monsters?

Please share your awareness of this matter with your known child protection organizations...and pray they can make a difference.

The Lone Gunman

2011-07-24T16:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's news of the gunman in Norway was shocking. We've come to expect such news in the United States, but not in Norway. However, the manner of the killings is part of an increasingly growing pattern internationally. One gunman suddenly begins firing into a crowd. I don't recall if bombs were involved in similar shooting sprees, but the result is the same. Home grown terrorists.

The "Manchurian Candidate" such as Sirhan Sirhan had the task of shooting a single target on command. Sirhan Sirhan continues to maintain his innocence claiming no knowledge of the shooting. I did have at least one part that was a Manchurian Candidate with an assigned target. I'm sure I wasn't the only mind-control person with the target. I freaked out beyond belief when I discovered this part of me and was so grateful she was never cued to action. It's terrifying to contemplate.

I see a shift from the Cold War mind control children having single targets to today's seemingly revised mission of one person being brainwashed sufficiently to "randomly" turn an automatic weapon on a crowd of innocent people. It's bloodchilling to know our government or its "contractors" continue to carry out this mission of using children planned to be dissociative to kill our own citizens...or citizens of any country.

Does no one else see this pattern? I may have addressed this earlier in my blog regarding school shootings. Now we have this new wave. If I recall correctly, most of the more recent gunmen end up being killed or killing themselves. No one left to remember when the amnesia wears off.

It's scary to admit I did have assassin parts. I have no idea if they were ever used and don't wish to know. Just knowing I had them was enough to shake me to my core. Technology has changed. Perhaps dissociation from birth has been replaced by the new brain implants touted to benefit soldiers in the field or for people to constantly have their medical information with them for health reasons. Anything used for good can also be used for evil.

I am saddened for so many reasons by the news of those who lost their lives in Norway. And I have little doubt the person doing the shooting was also someone who had no knowledge or choice in the matter. The hidden government agenda lives on. The worst of it is not knowing why this rash of large killings by gunmen throughout the world is happening. Maintain the fear/terror level as I explored in an earlier post or "simple" matter of population control...or both.

I would ask those reading this to think for yourself, do your own research on these types of shootings, and ask yourself if there isn't a pattern before dismissing these tragedies as conspiracy theory. Norway, the peaceful nation. I believe with all my heart there was a definitive strategy to that location. And the people behind these covert programs have no hearts and, I would speculate, no souls.

A Tortured Child Is An Enlightened Mind

2011-06-14T00:03:00.005-04:00

I just finished listening to the audiobook of Dan Brown’s, The Lost Symbol. Basically it’s a lesson in ancient symbols while focused on the Freemasons. Since I am a survivor of Masonic abuse which was employed by the government in its mind control programs, I have a different outlook on the secret Masonic society, particularly the 33rd degree. Until 2004, I would not have been able to listen to the book. It would have been too triggering. I’m proud I was able to listen in great detail to known ancient meanings of the symbols and the knowledge of the Masons as gathered by Dan Brown in his research. Because I know the reality of the abuse that takes place at the hands of such people, I was unable to accept the main connection missing by the book. The 33rd degree Masons were/are not just a society of brothers who believe they are the holders of the secrets of the ancients, they are pedophiles with a purpose.

Part of the government mandate of programs like MK-Ultra were to explore the creation of dissociative parts as well as to study cults and rituals. The Nazis were the perfect combination of scientific knowledge on mind control who also practiced worshiping Satan. If I recall correctly, it was a requirement of the SS. My memories are of both kinds of ceremonies. The horror inflicted on us in such barbaric ceremonies served a purpose. All those wealthy wanted to know how to reach their own “divine power”. Apparently cults had already figured out that the dissociated children they kept traumatizing grew to have amazing and advanced brain activity. The sad part of this news is that all people have the ability to expand their minds…and without trauma. Perhaps the government thought they could figure out from us how to use the powers. The victims become the teachers.

Every survivor of government-related mind control has memories of using their mind in advanced ways and/or has extrasensory abilities. For me, that internal divine being is what Jung called Inner Wisdom. Until a person has encountered their own inner wisdom, it is such a difficult concept to explain. Basically it is the voice or sense of instinct. Any person can learn to develop their own brain power. Institutions are available to train people to reach their internal potential…without torture or trauma. I know this was a main objective. Unfortunately they also believed constant access to sex and the energy believed to be harnessed by the abuser when an orgasm was achieved. Parts of the victims brain were able to be electronically stimulated for children to have organisms literally at the touch of a button. I recall the first time I ran across this research. It made me physically ill that they could trigger an orgasm. It still feels like a violation just to type the words.

One scene in the book has the grand poopah of the Masons offering his teen son the choice to join the Masons. It doesn’t work like that. Children born to 33rd degree Masons are indoctrinated from birth as I was. No choice would have been given and the child’s multiplicity would ensure his or her silence about the organization. As much as I could listen to the book, I still tensed up each time certain Masonic terms were used.

If the book is correct that Masons conceal the great secrets of the ancients to ensure it does not fall into the wrong hands, that is laughable. They have it for one purpose only: evil.

What I do believe is true and have participated in such group/worldwide focus experiments online proving that a group of people thinking the same thought at the same time can transform objects. Thoughts have the power to change world. Focused power. If all survivors and supporters of abuse survivors thought every day that the world was positive and safe, we could change the energy dynamics. If we were able to organize a focused time to engage in such a thought on a regular basis, we might be able to tip the balance of war to peace. I personally believe it is that powerful.

Several close friends of mine know of my powers and extra sensitive hearing. If that is all they needed, no trauma was ever needed.However, another main goal of the government was “the Manchurian candidate”. We had different parts of ourselves programmed to do all kinds of jobs on cue with no memory for the event immediately afterwards. That was their great success. If you can call constantly torturing a child with rape and unspeakable acts of horror and torture, a success.

It is my wish that we survivors harness our ability to fight back silently and put good intentions out into the universe simply by thinking them. The intention would be positive as opposed to focus on killing all the perpetrators. The focus might be for a world without child abuse. Think it. Change the world.

Validation...A Bittersweet Win

2011-06-05T20:36:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I found a link on Facebook posted by Jeanne Sarson and Linda MacDonald. They presented a paper at the Canadian Peace Research Association 2011 Conference And Annual General Council Meeting. The astounding topic was Spillover Torture from the Military/Warring Sphere Into the Private Sphere: Making Visible A Silenced Human Rights Violation and Victimized Person's 'Body Talk'. (Clicking on the link downloads the PDF to your computer. It is safe. I have downloaded it several times and it is deemed safe by Norton.)

The document defines graphically the different types of torture employed in pedophilia to include the category of "torture to force dissociative responses". It was sickeningly validating to read such things as human trafficking statistics tended to be higher around military bases. Military personnel trained to do harm in their military positions with abusive tendencies were inclined to inflict the same techniques of harm on their children. I'm paraphrasing at this point and greatly encourage you to view the document for yourself.

Dissociating the Abuse by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Most shocking to me, and the purpose of the presentation, was what is classified a torture in a military setting is not classified as torture in the private sector. In other words, pedophiles can torture children but it is not considered to be a crime. The presentation was to have torture categorized as a punishable offense in the private sector. A child might be molested repeatedly and the perpetrator would be charged for just that. If the child were also tortured, that, as it stands now, would not be a separate criminal charge.

It's difficult to get this document out of my mind. All I've been trying to say in my blogs was stated so succinctly in the presentation with the research to back it up. We, the survivors, have been telling our stories now online, through books, at conferences...being heard. Linda MacDonald and Jean Sarson took the years of research and put it together to advocate for us.

Thank you, Linda and Jean. I hope the world listens to your very powerful presentation.

Passive Suicide Not So Passive

2011-05-07T13:45:00.001-04:00

Active suicidal thoughts are those on which the person experiencing the thoughts does act or attempt to act on killing oneself. A passive suicidal thought is: I wish a building will fall over on me...I wish I would suddenly die of an aneurysm...I'm so tired of trying I just wish I would die. I've had passive thoughts since high school. They have been a constant in my life but always in the background until recently.

Most survivors of abuse have passive suicide ideation. In my Polyvore group, it is a "normal" expression of feelings to wish to die. Those who are survivors of long-term abuse understand this and know how to support another who expresses such thoughts. On the other hand, friends, family, and others who care usually respond to the expression of such a thought with panic or feeling that they must stop the person from having such thoughts. That these others care so deeply is appreciated but it's not the response we need.

Last night, by mistake, I posted my Polyvore sets expressing my vivid desire to die to Facebook when usually they go to Twitter to those who follow my journey. It wasn't until after I had posted my third set "Death Wish" to Facebook that I happened to go on Facebook and see the panic I had created. Am wanting to write about this to help those with loved ones who are survivors.

If the desire is passive and especially if it's being expressed through art (a coping skill to release such thoughts), the survivor needs to hear things like "I am here for you; call me if you'd like to talk; I hear you and let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Another coping skill that is not so healthy but definitely more frightening for those who are not survivors is "cutting". The intent is the misconception that by making some part of the body bleed it will release the pain. Of course that belief system needs to be changed through the help of a therapist. A new coping skill that is healthy has to take the place of the cutting. The danger though is that the person making light cuts on the skin may accidentally cut too deeply. A higher danger exists for those with DID since a harm alter may intentionally cause the person to cut deeply. It is prudent to ask the person to hand over the sharp objects if they are found engaged in the activity. But usually it is done so secretively.

The next level, for me, is programming. Programming is self harm or self-destruct actions that were made the job of one or more alters. Throughout my healing I uncovered many programs meant for me to kill myself that I was able to undo with my therapist. I have written sufficiently about what happened in March following the death of my sperm donor. I watched myself engaging in active suicidality.

Since being released from the Center after believing I was safe from the programming, another program came up that I was able to resolve once again with my therapist. The result has been my now passive thoughts seems to stick in my head and overwhelm to the point where I really do want to end my life to stop the thoughts. Sounds like a Catch 22. Am sure that goes with more aftermath of the original trigger.

Another cause of passive suicidal thoughts is the chronic body pain many survivors of abuse must endure. In my conscious life, I had only short-lived pain (post operative) from which I knew I'd recover. Since my many surgeries of 2007, my body has never returned to normal. I had been loving pool therapy until my depression became so bad in January I couldn't bring myself to engage in any activities I had previously enjoyed. Then the concussion from my fall at the Center a month ago has created a constant and sometimes seemingly unbearable pain in my back, shoulders, and head...in addition to the body not working right.

I am realizing I may need another surgery to fix the one problem that would prevent me from enjoying any vacation. I'd have to stay in one place basically while my partner went off to enjoy and explore and take photographs. I don't want that for him or for me. The concussion is taking much longer than expected and I constantly wonder if other damage was done to my brain. I also wonder if the fall was also an attempt at death by an alter since I hit my head so hard.

My coping skill is whining (*snork*) and Polyvore sets to release the emotions. Often I can Polyvore my way through a very difficult time. Any art therapy or journalling is a healthy outlet to release the very real thoughts circling inside.

Am hoping this will help others understand the dynamics involved in what is likely seen as "drama"...a very belittling term for our reality. It doesn't go away. Well, actually, my passive thoughts did go away from 2005 through mid 2007. I wish for a return of that short time where I was not depressed and on such a low dose of anti-depressant. The best year and a half of my life. A sad statement in retrospect. Is that all there is?

We try to believe and hold onto dreams. We look for hope. The offering of an extended hand, literally or virtually, can go a long way to helping someone in emotional pain.

Defining Moments on the Road to Healing

2011-05-03T13:14:00.004-04:00

Healing from DID sucks. It’s one mindbender after another coming out of the muck of subconsciousness and flopping into reality. Those of us in that journey are left figuring out what to do with the crap that just landed in our heads.

My journey is into its 14th year and I am still being stunned. I decided to share my most defining moments (i.e. the ones most difficult to accept and process and move on). This sharing is meant to help educate those with loved ones trudging through the muck to a more healed place and perhaps let survivors who are on the road to healing feel validated.

#1 My father sexually abused me. It is freakish to have a memory of something that has been hidden within amnesia for more than four decades. But when that first memory surfaced, it made complete sense of all the blanks in my therapy up to that point. The sexual dysfunction that kicked in shortly after each of my marriages…the resistance I felt to working on the resistance…the seeming jealousy my father had for my teenage boyfriends that sometimes ended in rage directed at me.
For me, learning I had DID was a relief which is a vastly different response from most. However, the two following defining moments created within me the response most have to learning they have DID.

#2 My father took me to graveyards where people were chanting. I had never heard the words “ritual abuse” before but was certain what I was remembering was true after diving into research about it cross-referenced with my own conscious timeline. I was still thinking he was just a sociopath and I got dragged into his world. Learning the government was part of some of the cults unnerved me because he was career military.

#3 The most shocking realization is the bigger picture. I was intentionally made DID through a government sanctioned program…likely MK-Ultra which went underground after the Senate hearings in the 70s. Understanding how our government condoned the kind of trauma/torture/horror I was remembering to create dissociation and alters just leaves me speechless. What else can one say? It’s evil. It’s licensed pedophilia at its most benign.

And it was after THAT realization that I came to the ever haunting: Who am I really and what was my reality if the life I remember was only the “cover story”. Everything at that moment becomes a lie: family, relationships, ability to trust. Who is safe to turn to for help? It’s shocking and terrifying.

"They spun a web for me." Coldplay, Trouble

#4 I met other survivors of government abuse (which included ritual abuse) online through a support group. I was blessed to meet most of the people from that group in person at a conference in 1998. Some remain my friends today. It was in that group that some shared memories of Mengele. I chose to believe that another abuser used Mengele’s name to make it more unbelievable. I was raised Jewish and the thought of that Nazi’s hands being near me made my blood curdle.

Through research I learned of Operation Paperclip and had validation that Mengele was part of that ushering of Nazis to the U.S. and other havens in exchange for their “knowledge” gained from their experiments in medicine (at the concentration camps) as well as rocket science. I also continued my then quest of acquiring and watching every video I could find on the perp names that came up for me. Many of my collages pointed to Mengele but still no memories surfaced. It was my second or third video on Mengele’s life that included a clip of him singing a song. When I heard it, I can’t explain the horror and chaos that happened within my being. It took weeks to settle down from knowing I was not only in his presence but he had touched me, hurt me, and programmed me…early childhood programming. It still curdles my blood.

Once I accepted I was an intentionally made multiple by my own government with my father’s approval and active involvement, programmed to do the bidding of the government, primarily covert and possibly illegal activities, the rest was undoing what was done to me. There was sort of a “same old, same old” feel to finding programming and dismantling through the help of insiders and freeing the alters connected to it. I was surprised at how much self-destruct programming I ran into, but it was not a defining moment. With the help of my therapist, we undid anything that came up. I was very proud that I had healed to integration in 2003 without any hospitalizations.

I was proud to earn my Masters in Counseling and went to work immediately. Most who follow me know of my short-lived psychotherapist career due to extreme medical issues from 2007 to 2008 which caused me to be on disability. It also created a setback in my integration and alters began appearing again. All was going smoothly with that aspect of healing until defining moment #5.

#5 News of father’s death in early February compounded with my existing level of depression at the time. His death triggered a program unknown to me, although I now see it in many collages on Polyvore over the past years but had no idea what I was seeing. The program first went off on March 10 when I watched myself overdose on four handfuls of pills interrupted by my partner who called 911. It happened so quickly it made my head spin.

In the few days after discharge from the hospital to be seen by a facility specializing in dissociation, my Polyvore sets revealed the overdose was the first in a chain reaction of suicide methods meant to be implemented by alters still loyal to the abusers until their mission was accomplished. I was terrified to be in my own body. I felt environmentally safe at the trauma center but believed my body could stop my heart or create an aneurysm. It took nearly two weeks at the center before the programming was disarmed.

The truly defining point of all of that was recently realizing I was only three years old when the groundwork to that program was put in place. It was 1955 and my father’s death was 55 years later which also freaked me out. Father’s death or 55 years after “installing” the program, whichever came first? Perhaps I had a double whammy that both happened in the same year.
Regardless, I watched myself swallow those pills and didn’t fight back. That will always stay with me.

While take pills apparently didn’t have me fighting for my life, the methods of suicide that went with the other alters in line terrified me. I had thought I was fine from the time of realizing the extent of the program to seeing my therapist again to undo it. But it went off and bam I was in the hospital. Am still reeling. Even though I know I am now safe, my worst fear did come true. I can hope all is dismantled. Another program went off after I was discharged but my therapist and I successfully stopped it. Now the parts are healing and telling me more of my programming history. And I realized today it is two days shy of 5/5. It all means something. Am confident that second program that surfaced after discharge had a “deadline” of 5/5. Thank you to my alters who chose not to die and helped me with the information to stop it.

Is there more? If so, can it possibly be stronger? I have to believe all is well and believe in my healing abilities to tell me otherwise If the time comes. As defining and awful as these moments during the journey have been, they have not defined me. I am not the evil they wanted me to be. The journey is not over and I am waiting for a new antidepressant to kick in so I’m still having passive suicidal thoughts but once actively suicidal alters are healing. Yes, healing sucks, but I am going to Paris next Spring. And of my own free will. Guess I can’t ask for more than that. There can be good in life with DID.

What I Didn’t Know Might Help You

2011-04-17T18:33:00.000-04:00

I have written in several venues on these topics but believe they are too important not to repeat here. Please pass this information along to others who might benefit.

First, anyone who is on an SSRI type antidepressant should know they are only effective for a few years and possibly only one or two years. You should change to another SSRI every few years to ensure major depression is under control. I had been on Cymbalta for more than four years and have been trying to use adjunct antidepressants because I felt the Cymbalta wasn’t enough any longer. Unfortunately, this information did not come to my therapist’s attention until just before I admitted myself to The Center for trauma disorders recently. And obviously, my psychiatrist was also unaware of such research.

The Center switched me over to Pristiq which is similar to Cymbalta but now I must wait about 4 to 6 weeks for it to impact my depression level. I was told I may or may not be able to return to Cymbalta after the Pristiq runs its course. It depends on the individual.

Second, when an abuser parent dies, it can wreak havoc with the trauma survivor. I expected huge relief but, for me, the death was a trigger for suicide programming which actually worked. The attempt failed but the part did take over and overdosed. About five of the 12 people at the trauma center had experienced the recent death of an abuser parent.

My suggestion is to know the unexpected can happen and have a safety plan thought out and/or written down if you are a survivor with a living abuser parent. Some survivors do experience the relief and safety. The trauma treatment team at The Center was well educated about the impact of the death of an abuser. Am not sure why I didn’t know.

What also bears repeating is that there are only three reputable places in the country at the moment that treat DID, let alone programming. Possibly there are more. I am most familiar with Sheppard Pratt in Towson, MD, and The Center (PIW-DC) in Washington, DC. Actually, I hadn’t been aware of The Center until my therapist suggested it for me after the overdose. I knew I had programming to keep up attempts by different methods until I succeeded. I needed a safe place.

Because of fears by the False Memory Syndrome Foundation suing therapists who treat DID, many of the country’s facilities have shut down in the past 20 years. This is a very sad reality for the many survivors of long-term childhood abuse. It is also a stance supported by the insurance companies. I have to say I was fortunate to be covered by a company that considered The Center to be “in network”.

The country’s mindset needs to change for more help to be available for those with dissociative disorders and survivors of abuse without dissociation. Treating trauma is a specialized area of care. I often wonder which celebrity will take up this cause on our behalf. The FMSF seems to have unlimited funds to prevent any effective offense.

At least we have blogs and Facebook and Twitter to share such information. What we really need is help, not just in facilities but in the number of therapists and psychiatrists who treat and/or understand dissociation properly. Central PA had no psychiatrists to whom I could refer clients when I was still practicing in 2007 who would see dissociative clients. And I think I was the last therapist who had availability to see new clients with dissociative disorders. If this is representative for most of America, it is tragic. Abusers win. Abusers with money can change the status quo.

After my recent experience, I wonder how many suicides could have been prevented if there were more facilities to treat trauma survivors when they are in crises. It is true that our traumatic upbringing makes us a likely population to end our own lives when we become too overwhelmed. Every time one of us suicides, the abusers win. I’ll have to hold onto that thought to keep me going until my new antidepressant kicks in.

A Lifetime Sentence

2011-03-03T00:24:00.001-05:00

I can recall two times in my life when I wasn’t burdened by thoughts of death. In the 18th year of my marriage, just before my life fell apart because of DID, I believed I would spending the rest of my life with my husband. It took me years to feel it would last “forever”. I was happy.

Post-known DID, after grad school, I was thrilled to immediately go into practice as a full time counselor. I had fully integrated in November 2002 and began as a full time counselor in 2003. For some unanalyzed reason, I became very depressed in late 2004…early 2005. A small dose of Cymbalta had me feeling beyond where I’d ever felt before in terms of happiness and joy. Basically I had early 2005 to mid-2007 without the death wish.

Not all with DID have the death wish as pervasively as others. Those of us with structured dissociation were introduced so early and so often to feeling life wasn’t worth living, it likely became “hard wired”. A term that basically means a message imbedded in the brain. It’s there to stay and we have to learn to cope with it because the message doesn’t change. The reason behind the madness was if we ever began to come out of our dissociation, we would be overwhelmed with suicide messages to ensure the abuser secrets.

As a moderator of Adult Survivors of Abuse on Polyvore, I constantly see those in early stages of DID struggling with suicidal messages or “life is too hard” messages. Yet I also see those who have been in therapy for years still struggling not to end it all just to not have to live through another day.

My message began in high school although I wrote poems about death as early as grades 2 through 4. In high school, it did feel as if someone else was giving me that message from inside. Apparently I’m reintegrated after falling apart by 2008 from medical trauma. That was complicated by my father’s death in early February. I found the alter holding the strong suicidal thoughts, and she is becoming more comfortable with the healing and healed insiders but she is still very sad and angry.

I never acted on my messages although it was a grueling struggle not to just take pills so I would not have to wake up again. When most every single day is a struggle, even after a decade or more of healing, one wonders if it’s really worth it. I would be the first to tell another that it IS worth it. It’s not all bad any more. But little seems to be good. Healing from DID is not an ending. It’s the beginning of learning how to live without the automatic filter of dissociation.

Today, to aid in my healing and struggle with death messages since my father’s death, I had a massage that draws negative energy out of the body…drains it from the body. I’m not certain if it is a good thing that I feel so suicidal now. Possibly all that stuck message is leaving the brain but also am “hearing” it at the same time. I have another massage next week to make sure it’s all moving along and out of the body.

I do have hopes and dreams. I don’t always remember all of them all of the time, but I have to believe that those achievable dreams are worth the fight. It sounds trite to say that dangling a carrot in front the nose can keep us alive. But, in reality, that’s what it boils down to for me.

Today I saw an art set by a Polyvore group member stating she had attempted suicide while a preteen and many times since. She’s now an adult and still just wanting to give up. Living with DID is not easy. My life may never be “easy”. It’s difficult to believe my life only had 3-1/2 really good years. Since I had no awareness of abuse or mind control until I was 44, the depression was not nearly as visible or intense. At 58, how much can I reasonably expect to change? Rebuilding muscles that once were in excellent shape is very slow baby steps. The medical complication on top of the DID. Goal: Paris 2012. Maybe life will look different then.

Nobody's Child

2011-02-21T17:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I saw the movie Unknown with Liam Neeson. Early in the movie, his character is in an accident and has amnesia for some of his life. Without giving away the ending, I just want to say his questions were my questions. I am still thinking about the film and beyond. All the unanswered questions of my life.

If my birth was planned to have a child for the covert government program, whose child am I? Not anyone who claims me. Most of the world doesn't believe the government would have hurt or be hurting, raping, torturing children for "national security" reasons. The government has never taken care of me in a good way. And the people I thought were my parents cast me aside as soon as I began to remember.

I was raised by people training me to do their evil deeds who certainly never wanted me to remember them. In my "cover story" home, I did love my mother. But she left me alone with my abusive father who terrified me. I know in hindsight his job from the beginning was to maintain the terror that was needed in my government world to continue creating my dissociative structure.

I was passed from one "handler" to another and have no idea how many I've had in my lifetime. I am certain of two along with others who were primarily programming or training me, always to be covered over by an intentionally horrific and traumatizing memory in hopes I'd never reach the memories below telling me what was really happening in my life.

Because the purpose of my life was to be a controlled multiple, the majority of my life was outside of my conscious awareness. I lived a backwards life. No love, no nurturing, no free will. Cues and commands and codes...like a robot or machine.

So who am I? What am I? I'm healing from something few believe happened. I'm healing from a diagnosis that is swept under the rug by psychological and psychiatric communities, not to mention the universities, hospitals, and military and government entities complicit in the program.

After more than a decade of research and healing by processing surfacing memories combined with conscious knowledge, I think technology has replaced the need to create a population of mind-controlled adults beginning at birth with a lifetime of trauma at least for the purposes they had in mind. I do believe the underground world of pedophilia and child slavery use the intentional dissociation to create life long "slaves" which has become a huge nightmare worldwide.

The covert government (and obviously some overt government) have achieved their 1947 goal of creating a fear-based nation where war makes the money for the few and those few make the decisions for the rest of us. Are we that psycho-civilized society of Jose M. R. Delgado's "dreams"? Is it too late to turn back?

Are you really a citizen of a land of free will? I was not and do not believe I am now because I can see now. I am not dissociated to the rest of the world. I am nobody's child. I was not born. I was produced by the underbelly of our country for evil purposes. Much has been "born" from the premise of national security "for your protection".

Can a country willing to torture children from birth to create a society of Manchurian Candidates and beyond really have its citizen's best interests at heart? Until that underworld is eradicated, I can assure you thousands more will surface, predominantly children of military and government-related employees born from 1947 through the 60s.

I am Nobody's Child and everyone's nightmare. Who am I now in this non-dissociated life? If my purpose in life is not to tell the truth, I do not understand the universe.

It’s not forgetting, it’s a detour gone awry

2011-02-08T11:18:00.001-05:00

I recently had an epiphany…sort of an epiphany…after several pieces of knowledge fell into place in the past few weeks. To help you understand why this is so important here is the initial problem:

My downstairs is the living room and the kitchen area. I had come to call the doorway into the kitchen the portal of lost memory. Up to about a year ago, if I didn’t carry a note with me saying what I wanted in the kitchen, the thought would be lost completely. But I usually ended up with the pantry door, refrigerator, or some cabinet open with me standing there wondering what I was looking for. Going back to the living room would remind me because I’d go to reach for something that wasn’t there. Hope you can follow this.

More recently, the same thing happens but I can retrace my thoughts to what I wanted rather than go back into the living. Here is why that is so pivotal to know.

I saw a video explanation of how neurons work in the brain provided to me by a friend. In the past, anything dealing with how the brain works was too triggering for me to watch. But I watched in fascination able to relate how a thought needs a path of neurons to act on it.

In a conversation with a friend who also has DID, I had wondered out loud why I can’t always get direct answers from inside…but sometimes I can. She replied that my inner guide has to use the same brain as me and I have big gaps in neurons so the message wouldn’t get through. Answers mostly come to me in pieces like a puzzle that then have to be assembled.

Yesterday I wanted a protein bar from a cabinet in the kitchen. The next thing I knew I was standing at the refrigerator with an ice pack in my hand. I put the ice pack back, shook my head and laughed at myself. Then I was able to recall the original thought and get my protein bar.

Ding, ding, ding! I’m NOT forgetting. The brain has a process to turn thought into action and I am missing neurons all over the place. But at least I’m getting to the right room. It’s like that old game of Gossip. By the time a message is whispered to the last person, the original message is completely mixed up.

Why is this a good thing? Because it’s proof neurons are healing. I had an integration of sorts on 1/1/11 and two new emerging fragments are beginning to heal. Studies have shown that the brains of those with DID do heal. I went from carrying a piece of paper or losing all to having a neuron path that retains the original information even if the path leads me to the wrong door. I have a path!

As I continue to heal, more neurons will fill in. No one can say if I’ll ever actually fill the path in completely but I’ve reached a much better understanding. And I’m not forgetful. I’m neuron-challenged.

"...a perpetual state of emergency"

2011-01-02T23:01:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was researching Jose M. R. Delgado for the umpteenth time and came across a PBS Documentary. I saw the 24 minute version. There is also a 90 minute version which can be viewed through a link below the link I've provided. The documentary is narrated by Bill Moyers. A BBS production is also provided for free. This very relevant 24-minute synopsis of the impact of the creation of the National Security Council and the CIA in 1947 explains how we have come to this age of our "War on Terror".

After an introduction to Operation Paperclip, when the U.S. allied with the Nazis and brought them into our country for nefarious purposes, the documentary states:

“So began the morality of the Cold War. Anything goes. The struggle required a mentality of permanent war, a perpetual state of emergency. It had met a vast new apparatus of power that radically transformed our government. Its foundations were laid when President Truman signed into law the National Security Act of 1947.”

The documentary shows how the CIA's objective was to maintain control in other countries that were not providing what the U.S. needed. It spoke of takeovers in Guatemala, Iran, Chile, Laos, and, of course, Vietnam. My father was one of the "advisors" sent into Vietnam in 1961, during the years the CIA was setting into place the environment for U.S. involvement in a "conflict" in Vietnam. It was the first validation for me that my father was indeed involved in covert military intelligence operations in cooperation with the CIA...psyops. The documentary explained the CIA's role in Iran in reinstating the Shah and then working with the Shah in his underground torture realm which kept dissidents silent. My family lived in Iran in the mid 1960s.

Since my personal history began to come out of amnesia ten years ago, I have long believed my father was training Iranian military to torture. He was also in Thailand in 1969 just when the CIA's involvement in Laos was becoming known. Backing up to his origins in the military, he was first in Korea I believe in 1947 but definitely 1948 when the CIA was very much interested in mind control that had been used on POWs in North Korea ("Manchurian Candidate").

My father kept me in a constant state of terror. The government has kept the U.S. in a constant state of terror. I believe that has become much more evident since 9/11. When that tragedy began to settle down we had Anthrax and Avian flu and Saran attacks. Mass weapons of destruction that were never found kept the country on tenterhooks.

At the end of the documentary, the question is asked: "... The one thing that we are sure of is that this largely secret global war carried on with less and less accountability to democratic institutions, has become a way of life. And now we are faced with a question brand new in our history. Can we have the permanent warfare state and democracy too?”

Is any president able to stand up to the monumental groundwork that has been laid since 1947 to stop the insanity? The forces at work are far stronger than any president no matter how great his intentions. This war on terror without rules and made intentionally covert has been running our country, is responsible for all the human experimentation created by the Department of Human Radiation, MK-Ultra, and other black ops programs now in place...brought forward and refined since 1947 but previously mastered by the Nazis.

Also available for free viewing online: Conspiracy of Silence, "a powerful, disturbing documentary revealing a U.S. child sex abuse and pedophilia ring that leads to the highest levels of government. Featuring intrepid investigator John DeCamp a highly decorated Vietnam war veteran and 16-year Nebraska state senator, Conspiracy of Silence reveals how rogue elements at all levels of government have been involved in systematic child sex abuse and pedophilia to feed the base desires of key politicians."

This brings me back to Jose Delgado who is still alive and working in Spain. I finally found validation I needed that the government indeed provided funding for experiments on children. And I was one of Delgado's children:

Dr. Jose Delgado, a neurosurgeon and Yale professor, received funding for brain electrode research on children and adults. In the 1950s, he developed a miniature electrode placed within an individual’s cranium capable of receiving and transmitting electronic signals. Delgado was able to control the movements of his subjects by pushing buttons on a remote transmitter..." He was the inventor of what is now known as the microchip devised to "protect" us. Because we all need to be protected by our National Security Agencies by whatever means possible. We the public need to wake up and figure out how to get this back under control.

In 1974 Delgado testified in front of The Congressional Church Committee investigating MK-Ultra. He made his views very clear:

"We need a program of psychosurgery for political control of our society. The purpose is physical control of the mind. Everyone who deviates from the given norm can be surgically manipulated. The individual may think that the most important reality is his own existence, but this is only his personal point of view. This lacks historical perspective Man does not have the right to develop his own mind. This kind of liberal orientation has great appeal. We must electrically control the brain. Some day armies and generals will be controlled by electric stimulation of the brain^."

Fast forward to these headlines:

Would a microchip keep your child safe?
December 18, 2003, BBC
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3307471.stm

Remote Control Device 'Controls' Humans

October 26, 2005, San Francisco Chronicle/Associated Press

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2005/10/25/financial/f133702D73.DTL

Radio frequency identification keeps tabs on goods, services, pets - even people
May 11, 2006, Sacramento Bee (the leading newspaper of California's capital city)
http://www.sacbee.com/content/lifestyle/story/14254188p-15069873c.html

An Orwellian solution to kids skipping school
2007-02-20, Atlanta Journal-Constitution (Atlanta's leading newspaper)
http://www.ajc.com/opinion/content/opinion/stories/2007/02/19/0220truants.html

U.S. Military May Implant Chips In Troops' Brains
2007-08-02, KUTV (CBS affiliate in Salt Lake City, Utah)
http://www.kutv.com/local_story_215001119.html

Is anyone out there?

Psyops to Pedophilia

2010-12-11T21:18:00.000-05:00

The most documented evidence of a military tie to pedophilia is the former Lt. Col. Michael Aquino, head of PsyOps of the U.S. Army. While still active in his role in the Army, he self-proclaimed himself a satanist and began his Temple of Set in California. Here is an excerpt similar to many I have seen in my research on Aquino:

Throughout much of the 1980s, Aquino was at the center of a controversy involving the Pentagon's acquiescence to outright Satanic practices inside the military services. Aquino was also a prime suspect in a series of pedophile scandals involving the sexual abuse of hundreds of children, including the children of military personnel serving at the Presidio U.S. Army station in the San Francisco Bay Area. Furthermore, even as Aquino was being investigated by Army Criminal Investigation Division officers for involvement in the pedophile cases, he was retaining highest-level security clearances, and was involved in pioneering work in military psychological operations ("psy-ops")."

However, the majority of the U.S. population REFUSES to acknowledge cult activity or satanic activity. I'd like to be perfectly clear with my personal statement to the world. CULT and SATANIC are code for pedophile rings.

More validation comes from the case in Nebraska involving Paul A. Bonacci v. Lawrence E. King, a civil action in which the plaintiff charged that he had been ritualistically abused by the defendant, as part of a nationwide pedophile ring linked to powerful political figures in Washington and to elements of the U.S. military and intelligence establishment. Mr. Bonacci won the case.

I provide information that you can validate on your own. If you know of any of the history of the Nazi party, you know that they were required to worship Satan, where the intentional dissociation of children ensured a world for pedophiles. In the Temple of Set, Aquino welcomed neo-Nazi groups and had ties to the Nazis.

Now, if all could take a giant step backwards and see a covert plan between the Nazis and the U.S. as affirmed by Operation Paperclip as well as U.S. financed experiments in the concentration camps, possibly you might see a greater picture of the plan to dissociate the children of our country beginning with the military and its connections.

Which government is running our country...controlling our country. I invite all who read this to at least open their minds and check on some of these facts on your own. Does it sound preposterous? Yes. Is it? No.

The organizations who have been active in trying to catch pedophile rings online and rescue the children, have been able to trace back a fair number of stories to the government. It is real. They see it. Just today an article connected prostituting children from DynCorp to the military.

This is the website I used to cite the Aquino connection and the Bonacci case, but you can find much more on other more notable websites and books on this topic:
http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/satanic_subversion.htm

Maybe I should start Project Open Mind. Consider if I'm right.This missing link is acknowledging the CULT and SATANIC that keep the pedophile rings perfectly safe at their most destructive level.

Invasion of Privacy to Invasion of Bodies

2010-11-22T19:13:00.001-05:00

A quote that often haunts me is by Josef Mengele: "The more we do to you, the less you seem to believe we are doing it." Only recently did the Department of Justice fess up to providing safe passage to many Nazi's post WWII, although books have been written about Operation Paperclip. Former Nazi, Wernher von Braun became the head of NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center and no one seemed to blink an eye. We needed his knowledge of rocket science, right? Did you also know the Nazi who ran lethal experiments to test the limits of compression on the human body was also ushered in? As was Josef Mengele. The report didn't admit to much specifically but it gave survivors of abuse at the hands of these monsters in the U.S. our first glimpse of validation.

In the name of national security, the means to the end was justified. The children of the Cold War were in their prime in their 20s and 30s but are now falling apart from the torturous abuse to create dissociated couriers, spies, soldiers, and whatever else might benefit from a person unable to recall a deed performed on command.

Fastforward to 9/11/2001. In the name of national security. Abuses by Homeland Security, bypassing the Geneva convention regarding rights of prisoners for certain crimes, and increasingly more invasive searches of our belongings and now our bodies at airports.

Soon all of the country will be "used to" our government telling us how we must submit our bodies to them. The option not to fly keeps citizens in the U.S. So many are repulsed by this new tactic, they don't know what to do. As a survivor of abuse, I speak likely for all in that category that these body searches so violate our healing. We lose our empowerment to say "no" to strangers touching us in ways we do not want to be touched.

A young girl trying to say "no" as she was taught to do if accosted by a stranger is brought to tears. A man with a catheter is completely humiliated when a TSA agent broke his catheter bag. A woman who had undergone a mastectomy was told she needed to show the agent her prosthetic breast. Is this okay? Why are we allowing the government to do this?

We are responding to every fear tactic as if putting out one fire at a time instead of working on a greater solution to the problem. And with my perspective of the world, people like the man with the shoe bomb and the explosive diapers were plants by our government to be used as justification for further invading our lives.

I'm sick of this encroachment. I'm not proud of our country for taking such actions. The government is for the people, yes? Then why are we not standing up to this instead of giving in. It's wrong.

Man up on flight marshals. And where are the profilers? Like the Criminal Minds profilers who read body language. Hire one for each airport for heaven's sake. That's profiling I think we can all live with and would want to live with. Take the ones out of line advised by the profiler and leave the rest of us alone!

I DO believe they are doing it, referring to U.S. special citizen Josef Mengele's quote. I write mostly about dissociation, which is not being aware of one's surroundings. Have we become a nation blind to what is happening to us? I fear we have.

Call to Action

2010-11-05T21:03:00.001-04:00

Wasn't sure where to blog about this. Have been in healing mode for so long but wanting to make a difference. Even though I am feeling tired and a bit unfocused, I saw a tweet about a Call for Proposals for the The National Council for Community Mental Health Care. Their 41st National Council Mental Health and Addictions Conference was looking for proposals to speak from "regular" people in addition to their high profile speakers. One of the topics fit right in with my desire to educate re the connection between DID and organized pedophilia.

The passion rose up so quickly inside me. I'd never done a Call for Proposal before and the deadline was less than a week after I found it. I tweeted that it would be my dream to have a national audience. Attendees will be members of the organizations wanting to help and protect children.

I completed the application a few days before the deadline and it helped me focus on how I would make the presentation. Maybe some agencies don't want to know that tie, but I believe most would be surprised to learn their missions need to be revised in some way to address survivors of child porn, trafficking, etc.

I may barely make it to aquatherapy some days, but I am driven to make that presentation. Am hoping those who are followers of this blog send intentions and good energy to the National Council for this presentation to be made. It could be a great beginning of true awareness. Those chosen will become known in January.

A Matter of Medication

2010-10-17T15:28:00.000-04:00

Recently I posted about a medication change that was not explained fully and apparently was in a manner that caused concern. I apologize for those who may have felt that way. My personal reality is that I am on medications for several physical conditions. Except for an antidepressant, I take little else for anxiety symptoms. My main medication for depression is Cymbalta. I've been at the maximum dosage for two years (120 mg/day). I had been trying an adjunct antidepressant in much smaller doses because it seemed as if I had become more depressed. I had been working with my psychiatrist on the adjunct meds which weren't working.

When I met with him last week, I spoke of feeling overly dosed since, logically, I was not nearly as depressed now as I was when I was in the midst of surgeries and a body falling apart and not working correctly. I was indeed a mess in 2008. My dose before all that happened was just 30 mg/day of Cymbalta. I asked if I could begin cutting back 30 mg for a two week period and then another 30 mg to see if I might stabilize at 60 mg.

He agreed it was worth a try. I've been on 90 mg a day for five days and yesterday I began to feel lighter. We both agreed the adjunct stuff was not working and was just causing me to deal with side effects each time I tried something new. But I never touched the dosage of my main Cymbalta without speaking to him first.

I am hopeful 60 mg will be my new daily maintenance dosage which would also allow room if I ever do need to go up a notch or so due to life circumstances rather than trying a second medication.

Most who are trauma survivors seem to be medication jugglers. I've just found that my intuition is often right and I find doctors who allow me to try what I sense to be right. We both know if I start to crash, it's not the right decision.

Because of what happened to me in 2007, I have learned to be a much more proactive patient. And I encourage all patients of any doctor to be knowledgeable in what is going on with their care and why/what medications are going to do. Speaking up doesn't come easily to many trauma survivors, but your medical care is a place where I believe it to be essential.

Trauma vs. Trauma

2010-10-04T17:06:00.000-04:00

In my Believe the Children blog, I speak of Tyler who was trapped in the underworld of pedophilia by primary caregivers and their extended network for nearly two years. Recently I began to work with him again...my only client who I see in his home since I have no office or plans to return to trauma work. Since my disability began in 2008, Tyler had not received appropriate treatment for PTSD. He dissociated very little of the abuse and remembers most of what happened.

Those of us who did not begin to have memories until near or at mid-life know how much fear overcomes us to reveal even an aspect of a memory, let alone an entire memory. Tyler, at 10 years old, carries with him constant memories of the horrific abuse and threats. He is in a constant state of paranoia that he somehow keeps under wraps until he is with one of his parents or me. He believes at any moment, his primary male abuser is going to kill him and no one will be able to stop the inevitable.

I did realize most recently that he dissociates when another child beats him up. In relaying his memories, however, he has details up to that point by abusers, and afterwards. I have learned much about pedophile tactics by unraveling his messages.

Since Tyler never developed fully to DID, he remembers. It would be as if suddenly all the worst possible stuff of my life were to become conscious. No adult with DID can imagine the kind of pain and fear that would bring. Part of me wishes Tyler had developed the DID so he wasn't constantly suffering. He lives in a lonely place in his mind that is always reminding him of imminent death.

DID or no DID. What organized pedophiles "share" to cause a child to dissociate is the same wordwide. If Tyler's dangerous situation had not been identified, he might already be lost for decades to that world.

Step 1: Take a child not older than 4, preferably at birth, and impose the most horrific traumatic environment and instill fear/paranoia as quickly as possible.

Step 2: Continue step one until child's mind becomes overwhelmed and fragments.

Step 3: Teach parts to come forward with certain cues.

Which is how an adult who was born into that world will have many child parts who know the most devastating details of the abuse.

The one thing I keep hearing is "no one would do that to a child". This bears repeating...good people have minds that don't have the capacity to imagine the level of evil to where a pedophile's mind goes. It's all about dissociating the child so they have a victim for life and someone who can't tell due to amnesia.

Many survivors of that world are here online working with each other while healing. Oprah will be addressing DID on Wednesday, but the emphasis seems to be on number of alters. That's not the point at all. Each horribly abused child creates as many alters as is necessary for their individual mind. Numbers don't matter. They all heal by the same process.

How can we undo the stigma of DID as being crazy for having more than one personality when there are so many wanting to help those children trapped in that world. We can't help those children without knowing and understanding DID.

New Motivation for Writing

2010-10-03T23:58:00.000-04:00

While spending time on Facebook I've come to know others with blogs who have healed to help others. In addition, I have met other survivors still in the struggle. One blog in particular, Emerging from Broken, has ignited new thoughts or reignited past thoughts on my experiences.

In following child protection organizations I have a renewed interest in compiling a book on how to spot children who might be under the control of a pedophile. The earlier we can spot the victims, the sooner the abusers can be put in jail and more children can be saved. Just today saw news about a male teacher who had 70 victims before his recent arrest. This is an unacceptable toll.

The entire child protection services system needs to be revamped to support the protection and healing as new victims are found. I can help with early identification if I had an interested audience. Agencies like PROTECT are being quite proactive in going after legislation and changing the old system.

So many hands are needed for this endeavor. Otherwise, the pedophile rings flourish in secrecy taking more and more victims and ensuring future generations of the same.

Some days I feel so overwhelmed by the problem, but if we each do what we know we can do, it can happen. Early identification, protection, and support for victims of pedophile rings who are usually born into that world...invisible to trained tactics for children abused outside the home.

We have to rely on each other

2010-09-21T16:09:00.000-04:00

This post is inspired by a discussion on Facebook today along with a discussion I had in real life earlier today with my aquatherapist. She has a two-year-old son. Recently she and her husband took their son to the Baltimore Aquarium...also a sea of children running around. At one point she noticed her husband was not holding their son's hand because the child wanted to run ahead to another exhibit. My therapist immediately gathered up her child and explained to her husband that the Aquarium was the perfect breeding ground for a pedophile and they were not going to let go of their son.

This is what I have been saying in another way. We have to think like a pedophile to protect our children. They look like anyone else and they get along splendidly with children. Am recalling an Oprah show where a well liked neighbor had molested many of the neighborhood children including his own.

The State Departments of Children Services (DCS) are generally understaffed and underfunded. Neighbors need to be better neighbors and not give up even if DCS has visited and found no wrong doing. A story in the news today tells of diligent neighbors who kept complaining until proper intervention was made and two young children were pulled from a home of filth and squalor.

If it's a popular place for children, time to tighten up parental supervision. The good guys need to be their own police and we need a reliable enforcement system for when parents are being abusive. A community-driven child safety organization...that is also willing to look within its own ranks.

In a beautiful pea green boat by grace2244 (kinda dazed) on Polyvore.com

Letting it all settle in

2010-08-30T18:19:00.002-04:00

Settling into me by grace2244 (achy eyes) on Polyvore.com

Safe Family

2010-08-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

Since 1997 I have been getting and processing pieces of my life. I have a broad picture of the sophisticated "mind games" used by organized pedophiles to keep a child in a constant state of fear...to learn to avoid relationships...to always fear death at any moment. The first layers of memories about people who were "killed" were memories of littles who were easily tricked. The next layer told me that those whom I thought were killed were living relatives or family friends. Lies on top of lies.

In the early 2000s, my maternal uncle came up hugely in my memories and totally stunned me. My favorite uncle. I felt it had been confirmed by one of my earliest collages which had words directly connected with him. So I kept all ties to him severed as well as the rest of my family.

I followed his career online. He is renowned in his field. I wanted to get in touch with him but was still fearful. I had sworn Mengele could not possibly have been part of my abuse until the day I heard his voice on a biography video. That threw me into a triggered fetal state for hours. So I downloaded a podcast my uncle had made. It took several months before I finally listened. He had the same calming, gentle, loving voice I remembered. Nothing about me responded with fear.

I did send an email without revealing my current name...still afraid he might possibly inform "them" and someone would whisk me away never to be heard from again. Fast-forward to yesterday after my uncle and I exchanged several emails. I feel so much emotion. The love I feel for him that was never able to surface and the anger at having missed out on having a loving part of family for nearly 15 years.

Today I found my cousins online and feel a new sense of connection. Not so isolated in one aspect of my life. What about the memories that pointed to my uncle? Knowing the tricks, pedophiles will use the name of a deceased or safe family member for an abuser. A mind connection is made between the safe uncle, for instance, and whomever the real abuser was...likely another male relative with how my memories have gone.

Programming to push away close relationships combined with use of his name made sure I had no safe family member. Am glad I learned of the lies and made the connection with him. He has had an amazing life and I had always been so proud of him. Now instead of thinking he was somehow helping the bad guys in the world of science, I can just be proud of him again.

Guess it takes peeling back all the layers of programming and fear to reconnect with any family after knowing multi-generational abuse was likely on both sides of the family. But not always. Evil father could have "molded" my mother since she was only 19 when she married. *sigh* A lot to process.

Ups & Downs of Recovery

2010-06-25T17:27:00.000-04:00

The first week of April I began aquatics therapy three times a week. What hurt in "land" therapy, did not hurt in the water. Even though I was sore between sessions, I was able to do the work. We all agreed that I would "ride out" the pain between sessions as long as muscles were building while working out in the pool. Aside from focusing on my one shoulder (the reason for the therapy initially), the pool allowed me to work on rebuilding all muscles that had atrophied while recuperating from all my pelvic prolapse surgeries in 2007-2008.

Because of my art therapy group on Polyvore, issues kept coming up in my art even though I wasn't focused on them consciously. Just before the move to aquatics therapy, my mood had crashed...feeling lack of ability to heal, angry that I couldn't deal with the pain to get better, frustrated that my partner was more of a caretaker than an equal.

The first week of May we vacationed a few days in Washington DC and I was able to walk the entire day for sightseeing. Was so proud. I've continued the aquatherapy three times a week and just this past week ran into a problem with too much pain. Another crash but have spoken to the physical therapist and we are going to adjust the exercises to go backward on the painful one and progress much more slowly.

My goal for this year is to heal physically...rebuild my body...not be limited by my lack of muscle or strength. I can see how sense of body ability and sense of worth are strongly intertwined for me. When I crash into depression I still have the default of "the world would be better without me. BB would be better without me." So I struggle through that until I'm "up" sufficiently not to be fighting that message.

I can only wonder if that will ever not be my default. Between the surgeries in 2007 and the year of my trip to Italy (2005), I had changed the default. It is possible. It just was knocked back down so quickly with bad things happening.

I see the vulnerability in all survivors through art by members of my group. Constant struggle. Healing, even at my level of functioning, is still a roller coaster. Such traumatic beginnings are indeed lifelong at some level. I'm fortunate to have new friends and family who know me for exactly who I am and love me. Good times are in my life to help balance out the bad times. Surely that's a good thing. I wish that for all survivors...balance in all areas of life.

A Look Behind the Healthcare Reform Uproar

2010-04-01T11:37:00.001-04:00

This is my opinion based on my personal knowledge of the world of child exploitation and "grooming" children from birth with various types of horrific abuse.

The government is entrenched with people who are involved in and/or who take advantage of the child exploitation underground to satisfy pedophilia or other perverted needs. In addition, a source of funds from the slavery trade and other illicit activities is available. In the public realm, it is documented that very notable wealthy families are highly involved in fueling this "resource".

Republicans behind the "health care is socialism" debate are using health care as an excuse. If health care is changed, at least part of their world comes tumbling down. I was employed at a major health care company when I "woke up" and realized I had been doing something with foreign exchange in an alter state. I doubt I was the only person in that entire organization who appeared perfectly normal but really had DID.

President Obama probably doesn't realize it, but he began a dismantling of that vast secret underground with his health care reform bill. Why would anyone find fair health care a bad thing? It's not. But when it shakes up the solidly implanted world of exploitation, the ones defending their access to perversion and illegal funds can't oppose that.

Most survivors in my age bracket (mid-50s to early 60s) recall at least a few big names which tend to create disbelief. All I will say is that the two high level government people who came up in my memories were Republicans. And several wealthy men from a long line of wealthy generations also came up. Ones who are known to benefit from the U.S. being at war were quite prominent.

Likely many Republicans are following the leader with the party uproar, but until that "old guard" who has been part of the underground since the CIA began the now declassified MK Ultra experiments at the end of the Korean War, health care will be a huge argument. And let's not forget those whom the "old guard" has mentored (bribed) to be involved in that world.

I see the health care reform as good for all Americans and an unintentional great stride in putting a dent in the world of exploitation.

Do & Forget (for blog) by grace2244 (Gallery this week) on Polyvore.com

A Year of Healing

2010-03-24T12:58:00.000-04:00

Leaving Oz by grace2244 (on tag break) on Polyvore.com

I was just checking my blogs and all seem to be unformatted so I'm fixing them. Was surprised to see my last post was March '09. I've decided fusion is a forever process but it's answers and healing and much more awareness of my conscious environment.

For example, I realize I lose memory when I pass through a doorway...a literal door "jam". It's not quite as bad since I figured it out. Also, I've come to realize I consistently blank out while driving at certain landmarks. Even when I consciously try to remain conscious, someone else drives right by and I miss my turn. Strange world I've lived in. Internal censor my entire life.

The good news is I discovered the very complex world of Alice and my programming related to a distorted Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Oz, and Tinkerbelle. All parts of each were found and a healed Tinkerbelle merged with a healed Alice to undo Oz for me. As moderator of the Polyvore group which includes a large portion of survivors of some level of programming, I see how many have some type of Alice/Tinkerbelle programming. My theory of there being a "perp manual" out there seems to be true.

Will be back to voice my take on the opposition to health care reform. Thought that's what I was going to do right now, but apparently not. Thanks to those who still peek at this blog.

Pause for personal identification

2009-03-11T16:22:00.001-04:00

Time of beauty - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at Polyvore.com with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.

Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.

Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.

Fact is stranger than fiction

2009-02-18T12:46:00.003-05:00

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

In the late 90s, I kept images of my alters in folders as their identities became known to me. ME ("Emmie), female inner wisdom shown at bottom of lower heart, is model Christy Turlington. Michael is actor Edward Burns. He acts and directs. One of his movies was She's the One. I have the article photo spread on him entitled He's the One.

My head felt a rush of new fuzziness after the fusion during therapy. As soon as I got home I began to get images from online of Edward Burns for collages. I was dumbfounded. He and Christy Turlington got married! Sometime in the past five years I think. Well, they are together in me now too. How weird is that?

Am still feeling at the back of the line but feel as if all who had been trapped in Ellie's male system before the fusion are out with a shorter line. But now that both halves of Ellie are reunited, I'm sure more answers will be coming. Many collages are showing programming even though I don't know what the programming did. My story is coming out from the perspective of the parts of me who lived it and I do have a greater understanding of that trauma life. What I don't understand is how anyone survives such trauma. The more I heal, the more I wonder why I am here on this earth.

I'm going on three months of collaging instead of flooding with a new surge yesterday. Although yesterday wasn't hoards of trapped ballerinas and traumatized she-males. It was just Michael. Who am I right now? I'm fuzzy me (at the top of the collage), my inner child parts, and my male and female inner wisdoms (ME and my Ian Fleming). Not as crowded...

Mickey Mouse

2009-02-09T15:19:00.003-05:00

Fight Club Healing - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

While I've known Mickey Mouse went with programming, I also realized my Mickey Mouse "alter" always appeared next to something that was bad. That might explain my affinity for Mickey Mouse watches. I own three beautiful ones but haven't worn a watch in years. Time was definitely bad. I wasn't supposed to pay attention to time.

Collages from early healing show much of Fight Club. Several recent collages had the Fight Club theme as well. This morning I did a collage starting with images of a little girl I've been referring to as "gun girl". What I learned was "my" Fight Club was the Mickey Mouse Club and that programming went with self destruction, Deer Hunter style. Whew. Was relieved to see that the alter who seemed to be about to heal from Fight Club trauma was also completely healed from the Mickey Mouse programming.

Collaging has been ongoing more than two months. Production has increased lately. I know I'm "flooding". The collages are containing the flooding. Flooding is a term for when so much amnestic information comes up at once, it can stop functioning...it overwhelms the mind. The control mechanism is this: It feels as if there is a line in front of me, each awaiting their turn to collage. All are polite. The one "out front" takes as much time as needed to complete his or her collage. I am in the background and barely break from collage mode unless I have an external interruption.

Initially I thought it was natural outcome of the Jane and Ellie fusion. My deeper understanding is they never should have been able to fuse. Jane and all of her systems and Ellie and all of what were her systems are now free to heal all who have been "undone" but trapped inside. Jane only knew part of the programming and Ellie knew the rest. I have done several collages each from a different alter's perspective. It's fascinating, exhausting, enlightening, and frightening. Has anyone else healed to this point?

I understand the birth and life focus was to establish, "nurture", and maintain a strong male identity system. I am beginning to see some of the ways I was used that have come up before. Aside from exploitation for monetary reasons, it is believed in many cultures that reaching a level of higher consciousness is most valuable. The sick people who deliberately dissociate children with access to technology are well aware of this and want to tap into that plane of consciousness. A former Nazi scientist living in the U.S. post war (Montauk, NY), wrote extensively about Orgone Energy--the energy derived when the body reaches orgasm. Abusers had a "justification" for sexually abusing their young victims in addition to pedophilia. The more orgasms, the more "mind power" could be achieved by a child and eventually an adult. Wilhelm Reich. Most literature on the occult refers to such efforts to reach higher levels of consciousness. This goes along with MK-Ultra funding to seek hallucinogenic mushrooms and frogs. It was highly valued.

This has been going on for centuries--not just generations. My saving grace is my best friend whom I met at grad school. With no trauma in her life, she focused on developing her intuition and learned to tap into her inner wisdom. It's available to all of us. Trauma was never necessary to create that ability. Our government and the organized pedophilia groups with this knowledge want to be able to use it for purposes that benefit only them. The elite. I dearly hope the true elite of this country one day come tumbling down and allow reason and sanity and goodness to rule the world.

I embrace my own powers of healing energy and goodness and see that as a gift even though it was gained through trauma. I also believe the abusers in my life did so well in developing my higher gifts of power, they might be afraid of me. At least it's a comforting thought to me in my moments of paranoia. It's what I hang onto when I think the next collage is going to have the secret police hauling me to a not-yet-closed secret CIA prison.

FWIW, Peter Pan is safe now too.

Mickey Mouse Programming - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Layers and layers

2009-02-03T23:09:00.004-05:00

Whatever happened in my dissociated life was so well orchestrated and obviously tested for years before "they" were successful with it. Since technology was part of creating my internal world, it is likely from personal accounts that the really sophisticated government or private institutions involved in the child exploitation "factories" began in the 50s. I have met survivors that recall being "demos" or experimental models for new programming or enhancing existing program. My memory is of no mistakes. They did it right.

The national mindset of the Cold War (and I question the concept of a Cold War at all), was mind control and higher levels of intelligence to tap into other realms of the brain were desired traits in someone who would not remember. That means highly influential people sat around discussing engineering (?) plans for implementing something like Dragonfly? I don't know for certain it was called Dragonfly. I think just being born into the Operation Paperclip/Nazi/U.S. cooperation environment led me down their predetermined path.

The answers I'm getting are so intricate. Many layers of programming over the years. I'm seeing many collages breaking down the layers to see how and where they connect; how elements of Wizard of Oz and Alice and Wonderland cross over to create my internal "flip system" for a strong male gender identity. I wish I knew if anyone else has gotten such detail about the trauma aspect and the unraveling of their handiwork. The information I don't have and don't ever want is how they actually made it work.

The release I'm feeling that all is completely undone is good. Awhile ago I explained that the fusion was between Ellie (who had integrated inside of me) and Jane (who had all her core parts integrated into her). My sense is that Jane and Ellie (now completely fused) are catching up on their lives since being apart since about age 3. The brain connections are being made so quickly. Much programming, referred to as split brain programming, is now healing because of this communication between Jane and Ellie. The collages are their way of showing me their sharing. Am feeling a bit like odd man out and wonder if there won't be yet another fusion down the road where I become part of "knowing" what I'm now seeing.

I was known as polyfragmented so am not surprised at how many steps of healing I'm finding. I am happy that I do keep healing and it keeps taking me to a better place overall. If I wanted to write a fictional story about a child who was part of the known government program MK-Ultra and followed their dissociated life, I would not understand completely. I get that world. I get that my father was part of that world and part of that Army and part of that Military Intelligence. The invisibility and unbelievability remain the biggest battles to bring the major child protection organizations on board...assuming the child protection organizations have that as a genuine goal. Can't help but be a little skeptical with what was my life. Maybe someone from the Obama administration will peek into this? Ask Joe Biden! His name is on the documents. He KNOWS!

Can we talk?

2009-01-30T13:04:00.003-05:00

Nine days ago I completed a collage depicting Josef Mengele. It took me several days to settle down from doing it. When it became known I was DID and had been in a government program to deliberately create dissociation, that is when I dove into research about common ties of military to CIA to cults (exploited children "business") and Operation Paperclip. I joined a support group to be able to talk about the bizarre memories only to find out many had already done the same research, although I always did my own as back up. First, the collage.

I love you - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Several survivors indicated they had memories of Mengele (a/k/a Dr. Green). We were all in our 40s and 50s then. I couldn't imagine that the U.S. would have allowed Mengele to touch "our country's" children for the purpose of abuse after the holocaust events became known. I was very naive about the country and our history. I had memories of Nazis but wasn't certain of names. Alters have shown me but there will never be proof. Suffice it to say I was in Germany and was around Nazis in several underground locations.

I invite you to do your own research but I'm not going to look up dates again. It's in a huge stash of paper from a decade ago. Secret Agenda is a good start that validates Mengele was a part of Paperclip. He was both in Germany (at least at designated times for programming during my time there) and in the U.S. at various times. Carol Rutz has done extensive research on Mengele's whereabouts disclosed in her book A Nation Betrayed. The possibility he had access to me at birth and before his published death in the 70s, is there. His pictures as an older man were known by my alters. I hadn't known the name though until several years into healing when his pictures from later decades became available on the internet.

My point is I couldn't allow myself to believe Mengele had been anywhere near me and he had not come up in my memories until a year or so into healing. It's also possible that they called each other by famous Nazi names with their M.O. of unbelievability. Numerous survivors recall a Dr. Green and Dr. White. I have few names that come up. My alters gave me images over and over again of people whose identity became known after I saw the real person on a documentary or in an article, along with appropriate holy sh*t triggered response.

With Mengele, I began to hear internal messages that I had been born virtually into his hands. In 1952, Operation Paperclip had begun and Aberdeen Proving Grounds was the primary first stopping point for Nazis being assigned throughout the U.S. at military bases, hospitals, and research facilities. That's where I was born. Videos of Mengele's history show he evaded capture after the war and escaped to another country. However, his vast research on twins made him an "asset" apparently. It's documented that he had worked with the U.S. and his entry and exit was facilitated by our government.

My earliest collages show a single combat boot. Images of Mengele after the war meant nothing to me. It was in the second video I acquired of Mengele that included his voice singing a bit of a song. As soon as I heard his voice, I freaked to the point of not being me. I was way in the background. I was also home alone. I ran into the bathroom screaming, locked the door, and curled up on the floor in a fetal position where I stayed for hours. The thought...the reality...of Mengele's hands having been on me was unbearable. I was raised Jewish. I was obsessed with holocaust history. I felt Mengele's level of evil through that knowledge. Flooding into my personal being was something I cannot truly put into words. Often, before my memories, I said I felt as if I were a reincarnated Anne Frank.

In processing the new collage, one of the answers I got was that I wasn't allowed to look at him. That reminded me of my client who always knew my shoes because she wasn't allowed to look at her abusers. With Mengele's reputation, I understand that was likely the case but I would have seen his boot. His voice, however, was blood curdling. Since that was the one sense "open" to me with him, I would have internalized that as trauma.

In saving items for collages, I never know what I'm going to use. The words "Omg, I'm a green crayon" I thought were fun or cute. But placed at the bottom of the Mengele collage caused another freakish reaction with his "code name" of Dr. Green. Was Mengele really an abuser or "just" another Paperclip Nazi? My personal validation is the voice. I simply did not believe it could be true. It's the last thing I would have wanted to be true about what I knew of the program(s) I was placed into at birth.

A New Day

2009-01-20T14:54:00.003-05:00

While watching the inauguration ceremonies beginning around 10 a.m., I decided to collage my feelings. My hope is for a very different kind of new world order. That phrase, as of today, has no chilling impact on my spine. I'm hopeful President Obama can truly breakdown the elite few so permeated in the government and put our country back in the hands of caring, compassionate, fair people.

A New Day by grace2244

Sexuality and survivors

2009-01-09T16:33:00.004-05:00

Hope by grace2244

Last night I did this collage to represent my past and my wishful future with regard to my ability to express myself sexually freely without the past flowing into it. I was pleased with the collage artistically but it caused me to ponder that middle divide. There is no wall in my mind. I avoid "sex" with all of my being. Am fairly certain one of me had the job of being happy sexual. Not sure where she is since the medical trauma. My pelvic floor fell for heaven's sake. I do believe I will be healed sufficiently soon to add that back into my life.

I'm not sure about other survivors, but my true preference would be celibacy. I love BB with all my heart and soul. Intimacy is still a hurdle for reasons that have nothing to do with him. He has to pay the price for my past. My therapist advised several years ago that often being okay sexually is the last to heal. Possibly the recent fusion will allow that to happen.

Right now (and the impetus for writing this post) The Oprah Show is addressing sexuality issues. I'm in tears. They just welled up out of nowhere and are streaming down my face. How can someone who has had such horrific sexual abuse beginning before or by age 3 embrace loving intimacy? Guess I'm grieving the loss of not having that in my life. I don't want this to be too personal, but wanted to share that larger issue of separating sexual abuse from expressing healthy love sexually with a loving partner.

And I want it to be ME. I don't want another part to move forward to enjoy that part of my life. My pelvic floor is mostly healed. Getting my body to move is going slowly but surely thanks to the Wii Fit. Yet there is one more known issue tied to my past and that area of my body.

For years my mind justified what happened to me as jeans being too tight. I shifted to jeans jumpers and skirts in my 30s to avoid the problem...or so I thought. Since memories began, I realized I had been burned in my genital area with cigarettes, apparently many times. This body memory has recurred since at least my 20s. I never told anyone about it. It was embarrassing. Some physical signs preceded eruption sometimes, but not always. The most recent cigar(?) or cigarette burns began to appear last night. It's painful. It starts as a stinging soreness in a large area and then develops into several blisters on top of red raised areas (like a cigarette burn) that go through the course of breaking and healing at a rapid rate. Nothing helps to alleviate the pain. It takes several days to stop. I was going to work with my therapist on this issue but the fusion took priority.

For now, my therapist is on vacation, my blisters hurt, am feeling sorry for myself. Am feeling sad for BB that he has not had an intimate relationship in nearly two years. That is a goal for me for 2009. Complete healing...to include sexual healing. I know...bitch, bitch, bitch. This is my rant place. Hopefully if you've read to here, it's been a worthwhile topic.

My brain is not a fun place to visit

2009-01-06T11:16:00.004-05:00

My thinking processes are not so clear these days but will write and see what comes out. The fusion has caused a feeling of greater multiplicity and increased forgetfulness. I didn't know there was a higher level of forgetfulness. I sort of understand that my being (which was conscious with at least partially processed memories) merged with my core with complete memory. Meaning...I think...that my conscious brain is now more muddled with floating chunks of amnesia. I cannot hold a thought. From the time I get up from the sofa and get into the kitchen, I have no idea why I'm there.

Brian has to remind me many times I have something to inhale or drink but as soon as I click on the computer to save what I was doing, I've forgotten what he just said. Now he stands there until I save my work and put the computer down. It feels like consciously I'm relaxing my brain to take a break so someone sneaks in and takes over for their time. I don't see my therapist for two more weeks. I need to work out an internal schedule, especially with the sleep. Several times this week I've been up till 5 am or later and slept till 1. I love that I was up before 10 today. I love my time in the mornings from about 8 to 10.

I have no focus for doing what needs to be done. Keep forgetting to check email. Forget to turn phone on for most of the day. Forget who I know. New Year's Eve I drove to a restaurant to meet with BB and friends because I was running late getting ready. I don't know who was out but she didn't know how to drive. Very disconcerting. Called for a protector to help with safe driving.

I've been living on Polyvore. As of last night had completed 29 collages in 15 days. The numbers stunned me. Things I have already processed are coming up in a more cohesive way although I still don't understand all they are trying to tell me. I finish a collage then realize I placed something in a very specific position so that it connected to a nearby image in most unusual way...startling actually.

I need to go back to my checklists. I had my daily calendar as a therapist. Somehow I have to make those things a priority before I jump onto the collage site. On the other hand, it feels essential that I be doing these collages now. One thing I learned long ago in my healing is to allow those healing things to happen. Can't imagine how I would manage if I were working while this total lack of focus is going on. I keep thinking the medical trauma must have triggered certain things that allowed for the fusion to take place. Perhaps, as awful as it was and still is, without that medical trauma, I wouldn't have been able to experience fusion. I do hope the internal craziness (lack of a time share schedule) calms down fairly soon.

More and more I would like to be able to counsel online. Until I feel ready to have total focus for my client(s), that is a wish. It would also allow me to write. I have several books in mind and my mission to be part of the healing of our sick underworld of organized pedophilia. Each day I send out thoughts to the Obama administration to see my application as something good and necessary.

Will proofread this entry but please excuse anything I miss! Since I haven't shared a collage on this blog, I'll provide one of my soothing works for you.

Simply Me by grace2244

Brief blogging block

2009-01-05T03:20:00.002-05:00

I have much to say but seem to need another week to be in a place where my brain settles down to focus on words rather than images. Sorry for lack of new posts. Will be writing on several topics when I return.

Hope your holidays were okay and your coping skills helped you through!

The backwards world

2008-12-20T02:23:00.003-05:00

It's known that organized abusers create great confusion in our subconscious worlds because confusion is one of those emotions that makes it easier for their messages to sink in. Fear, shock, confusion, dizziness, drugged. I've had difficulty for years with simply identification of left and right, forwards and backwards, up and down, among others. Tyler still struggles with the backwards language he was exposed to when he was 4 to 5 years old.

Jane (birth child me) and me (the entity with the healed alters) recently integrated. I have been staying up so late for months now. It dawned on me that maybe Jane has a different schedule. I spoke to her internally about a week ago about my need to get to bed about midnight but maybe we could start with just an hour earlier. She agreed that was a good idea. What happened is I have been staying up until 3 or nearly 4 for several days. Today I realized Jane is from the backwards world so my request for earlier translated to later. I think she understands now. Not sure what is involved for her to undo her language to adjust to current life.

It's been interesting. She is my writer and likely has been since second grade. Had always felt my writing came from another place inside me. That is not unusual for any writer though. We call it being in the flow when words just pour out of us. I'm so tired and must sleep but here I am writing. Think I'll try to take charge or work inside to go to bed before 3 a.m.

Can't wait for the United States of Tara for others to say, "Oh, that's what Grace must have been like!" I didn't change my clothes throughout the day if I happened to switch though. Since I don't know when I switched before September '97, who knows. Interesting life.

I also think Jane's "inner child" littles are a bit terrified of their first Christmas "out". They may need to see that all is safe so next year can be a good holiday. Am really fighting the whole Christmas concept this year. Hope to wake up tomorrow with sufficient spirit and energy to work on gift wrapping. It really needs to be done. Maybe Jane will move back and let me wrap...or allow littles to make sure the gift bags are safe and play with the ribbon.

"The United States of Tara"

2008-12-17T14:44:00.007-05:00

A new Showtime series is airing January 18, The United States of Tara. The premise is a family with two teenagers. Mom is a multiple. She has DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder a/k/a dissociative states. Tara, in the previews, has several personalities. Her husband, who I know as the radio guy from Northern Exposure (John Corbett), and both teens (a boy and girl) understand mom has issues and that environmental and internal triggers (out of the family's control) cause her to change to a different identity.

The show acknowledges that Tara has deep seated issues and DID is her coping skill. The family embraces her differences and helps each other. The kids know the alters by name because each has a different voice and facial expression. On the show, Tara also changes clothes when she is someone else. That does happen for some survivors. I recall having wardrobe changes because I felt differently. I guess I never consciously experienced myself feeling like a guy though. I never felt frilly feminine. I don't see the wardrobe change as detracting from the message of the show.

The more I learn about the show, the more I believe there will finally be an accurate representation of the issues of someone having DID and normalizing that difference. Mom is different and interesting to the kids. They love her and all of her personas. I have learned an expert advisor for DID is a consultant. I know the individual to be a highly respected psychiatrist in the field of dissociation. I prefer to wait to see his name in the credits than disclose here.

While I'm sure some sacrifices had to be made for entertainment purposes, the show promises to balance the humorous and possibly exasperating side of loving someone with DID with the serious issues that lie behind anyone with DID. To hear the cast and writers speak of multiplicity and DID with appropriate terms was heartwarming. But not as much as knowing so many will likely watch the show. I wish with all my heart and soul many will finally see and hear the reality of DID. It is not to be feared but to be embraced. More than anything, those with DID desire connection and acceptance.

Hopefully the show will inspire discussion in many forums on the internet and television. Bless you, Steve Spielberg. Click here for a quick preview. If you are a Dexter fan or otherwise have access to Showtime, longer promotional previews of the show are being shown frequently and are excellent.

The "never again" lie

2008-12-16T10:33:00.007-05:00

This morning I was watching The Today Show. One of the guests was a star of the movie Valkyrie about the Nazis who plotted to assassinate Hitler. The guest indicated he had not been aware of that piece of history. History tends to portray all Nazis under one banner. Yet some did see the country being ruled by an insane ruler leading the holocaust and "ethnic cleansing" with all in fear of speaking out or acting against him.

All I could think about was how the world of child predators is so similar. The motivation is the perversion of pedophilia as well as control. Secrecy is paramount. Anyone speaking out against the crimes is insane or made to fear for their life. I walk a fine line with my blogs. I need people to hear the reality and not think "conspiracy theory". The powerful people behind the great money earning industry of kiddie porn and child exploitation have much to lose if society truly starts to protect the children at their level. Reputations of some of the country's "finest citizens" would come tumbling down.

Where is the holocaust? Not in terms of death, but in terms of victims, all children born into that world are immediate prey. Foster homes, orphanages, daycare--anyplace where young children come into the world and are raised in a group environment are endangered when the people in charge belong to the underworld of organized pedophilia. If you can allow your mind to go one step further to the young girls trapped in this world who become dissociative by ages 6-9, who become pregnant in their teens, those babies are born directly into the underworld without birth records or hospital records. Unknown numbers.

We've all heard survivor stories of babies or young children being killed in ceremonies which immediately creates disbelief. And while any ceremonial killings can be made to appear as real, one of two things happens. If a child was killed to instill horrific trauma and splitting in a victim, no one misses the child. If the child was spared because it was an illusion to the victim, the underworld still has their "extra" and unaccounted for victims for production of porn and sale for exploitation.

Most survivors I've met online are about my age. We are in our 50s now. Some are in their late 20s and 30s. It shows that evil world lives on for decades while we (the nation) have not bothered to look for the current generation. I'm wanting to call these children with DID "the walking dead". Once they are in the grips of the organization, they are there for decades unless there is intervention. I often cite Tyler's story which has a happy ending thanks to his very aware safe bio-father and now adoptive mother, along with an excellent judge. One commenter of my blogs describes going to court with her children only knowing the double language and, with difficulty, did win custody of her children.

As a therapist, several times I was compelled to report to Children's Services only to have the child returned to the abusive family. Not that the families were involved in organized pedophilia--but the greater world isn't trained to look for symptoms of abuse to the extent that can cause dissociation. Recall that severe emotional abuse is sufficient to cause DID. In fact, well-funded pro-pedophilia groups ensure dissociation is automatically dismissed as a hoax or lie.

We do have a holocaust. Incestuous families with home births have unidentified births as well as the previously mentioned institutional settings. No one knows the number. We do know the hundreds of thousands of young children reported missing by the FBI each year who are never found. And the FBI denies the existence of cults which is how memories first surface for this group of victims.

Safe adults need to be especially aware of a child trying to tell you something odd about another adult; i.e., appearing fearful while reporting his/her hair was washed, or was read a story, or was placed in time out. Several of my adult clients had dissociated memories from a regular babysitter! Do what it takes to ensure your child is in safe hands.

We have an oblivious holocaust. The children with DID who become adults with DID and don't remember for decades along with all the newborns and at all stages in between (prior to memory) are part of this oblivious holocaust. Oblivious to the children because of the amnesia and oblivious to society because it's not a comfortable area to be looking for children and government currently refuses to look for it. Government, law enforcement, the judicial system, child care services and other helping agencies are intentionally oblivious to the world of DID and "cult" abuse to protect what has been in place for generations. Not all in every agency are part of this world, but sufficient numbers exist for anyone getting near their "stuff" to be staved off quite effectively.

I have much support from peers and survivors for educating through my blog. As one person, the powerful people behind the child exploitation world are likely seeing me as "only one person". Yet a huge community stands behind me ready to come forward if it were ever made safe to do so. I've lived in fear subconsciously for four decades. I made the choice to live in spite of death threats for my conscious life. I don't care anymore. I want my life to have made a difference for the lost souls of the children right now enduring what will become a lifetime of horrendous abuse. No one deserves the life that we who survived had to endure. A single dissociated memory is hell to heal. It's impossible for those who have not endured trauma on trauma on trauma to possibly understand what undoing that does to one's spirit.

I feel fortunate to have a life at this point. I no longer fear parts of myself trying to kill me. "They" will have to get their hands dirty to come after me now that I've integrated and survived three phases to get to "100%". It will have been worth it if someone could take this cause and "run with it". I would dearly love to be a part of education and implementation of any program to make headway into this crime. And I have colleagues who are experts in DID as well as understanding of this organized world of child exploitation who, understandably, are not willing to place their careers on the line until safety is assured. Resources exist but are not wanted.

I remain hopeful that change will come with the Obama Administration. That's what keeps me going right now. No one believes because there is no "proof". We survivors are proof. Isn't that enough?

10 things you don't know about me

2008-12-14T19:01:00.009-05:00

This topic for blog entries was suggested yesterday on Twitter. There isn't much I haven't shared on my combined blogs, but thought I'd give it a try.

Voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school. (Don't think I've shared that before.)
Have a very strong psychic connection to my best friend who lives in another state.
My book Paperclip Dolls is being considered for a screenplay by an award-winning screenwriter.
My favorite color is periwinkle blue.
I hate sports.
My mind is an incredible place to be. While most of my life it's use was expanded for traumatic purposes, as a healed entity, I have insight into wisdom and the universe that is difficult to explain. I feel blessed to have it. It connects me to Mother Earth and Goddess eras and James Bond. lol
The answer is in Paperclip Dolls, but when I asked my inner wisdom (then main protector) to show me what he looked like...since I had pictures of all my other alters at that time, he revealed himself to be Ian Fleming. In other words, he chose Ian Fleming's identity as his own for me to know him. Yet his manner and personality is identical to what is described in his biography which I had not read until after his disclosure. I wasn't even sure who Ian Fleming was. I looked him up on the internet after hearing the name in my head. By then I was used to random "clues" and just jotted the name down to look up later. I had an internal vision and some similar images for him. I used to wonder which actor would play him if my life were a movie but no one ever seemed to be him. When I saw Ian Fleming on my computer screen, I nearly fainted. It was exactly who I saw inside. Pretty neat. He has a different internal name.
My vacation to Italy in 2005 with my SO changed my life. Something spiritual happened there...like my soul had been hidden there throughout my traumatic life and I reaquired it during that trip.
I only need one sip of alcohol and can feel the impact on my brain. No, I don't drink now.
I hate that the world holds so much hate and believe it is about a balance of energy. Good people need to focus on placing their positive energy "out there" to counter the negative/evil energy of the world.

Top Ten Favorite Things

2008-12-13T13:01:00.002-05:00

I was going to start a new blog today to share happy things when I realized this blog was designed to share healing thoughts too. I shall now integrate a purely happy post into my blog. The inspiration for doing this came from a tweet (on Twitter) referring to a lovely blog. One of the posts listed the author's top ten favorite things. Here are mine (in no particular order):

#1 Philosophy Pure Grace, Baby Grace, and Inner Grace fragrances for bath, shower, body.
#2 My "zen garden" in full bloom (Sunflowers, wisteria, lavendar, roses)
#3 Spa day!!!!
#4 Italy!
#5 decadent chocolate & espresso (a tie but also put Ghirardelli in my espresso)
#6 Laughing
#7 Snuggling
#8 Watching my tortoise Lucy & turtle Nemo w/their funny attitudes
#9 Naps
#10 Something so beautiful it makes me cry

Who am I now?

2008-12-12T23:49:00.004-05:00

I've shared that I began to play with my name as early as high school. Hated my birthname and had no middle name. At first I changed the "y" at the end of my nickname to an "i". When I went into the Air Force at age 19, everyone called each other by last names. I was automatically called a shortened version of my last name and became the same nickname my father had since he was 19....only with an "i" at the end. I liked it because I no longer was tied to my birthname.

I legalized my Air Force nickname when I married in 1980. I was a feminized version of a male name from 1972 until about 1997 when memories surfaced. The second legal name change was to get rid of the association to my father but chose another feminized male name. I also gave myself a neutral middle name that was actually a letter spelled out. Jaye.

By the time I was ready to graduate with my M.A., my marriage was long over although we were not divorced. I wanted a professional name that was entirely my own--not a husband's or a father's. Mine. The original plan was to keep the same feminized male name plus Jaye plus my new last name which I was so thrilled about for reasons difficult to explain. Just prior to filing the papers, I had an epiphany (internal message) that my middle name was to be Grace. I thought about it for several days and came to love my soon to be middle name. It was the first fully feminine name of my own choosing. I never related to the external birth name. She was the hurt little girl. Her name from the inside was Janie. I had no connection whatsoever especially since I was called other names in my world of abuse.

I've been very happy with my completely new name since 2003. However, since Jane emerged in September to do the blogs and became a permanent part of my external being, I've became more connected to Grace than my first name. Now that the integration is complete, the internal message is all the alters who integrated into the gender confused name merged with my reunited core who was Grace. We became Grace. The Divine Feminine. Grace was also chosen as the healed entity with no trauma ties to the name, while Janie and Jane were part of that cruel world.

Does the identity confusion ever end? I now feel totally disconnected from the first name I've been known by in the real world since 2000. It's empty. I really don't want to do a legal name change. My online world knows me as Grace. My SO's family has a nickname for me that I love and is also feminine and a main name in my internal world. I'm not going to ask those who know me by my first name to stop calling me that. I know what a hardship that is. But I've already begun asking the banks to issue credit cards as Grace so I can sign that name.

I'm not sure it's a compulsion. I also wouldn't call it a disorder (identity disorder). To me it's identity confusion or identity shifting. I was a culmination of many alters with many names. I was led to the name that would be my final name (Grace) before I would ever understand it's true meaning. Changing names as a symptom of DID makes sense since, over the course of life, a new alter may take over in the outside world one or more times. But it's not disorderly. It's a very orderly system. It may seem odd. But as a matter of coping from the level of trauma that created so many identities, it makes perfect sense.

Grace. The meaning is beautiful. Healing into that name has been an incredible journey. I know there is more to come, but it is more about adjusting to sharing my life as an alter now combined with the mind of the child originally born into a cruel world. Maybe Grace will be my literally "saving" Grace to help me achieve my goals to tell the world about the evil that lurks under our noses. Since understanding what happened to me as a result of DID, my goal has been for my core to have her life back. It's lovely that she came out with similar goals to my life as a psychotherapist.

The days of gender confused parts of me is over. All are settled. All are safe. We have achieved our oneness with the universe.

Photo: I used to joke that this was me in the Air Force. I'm two years old at the airport on the way to Germany. My father put his military hat on me. It's a good representation of my internal identity matching my external garb.

DID weirdness

2008-12-06T12:58:00.005-05:00

Having DID is weird. And the dissociation that remains even after major healing keeps life interesting, to say the least. I'm just understanding today about my eating cycles. For example, for months I was on a yogurt for lunch kick and snacking on healthy dried apricots daily. Suddenly I stopped and forgot they were even in the house. Throughout my life this has happened, usually noticed by an SO at the time.

This morning I was staring at the untouched apricots and realized I stopped eating them around September...when Jane came out rather prominently. Okay...Jane doesn't like apricots or yogurt. I started eating yogurt again since the integration but apparently there is no negotiation with the apricots. lol.

I rarely change what I eat and only eat certain foods. In grade school (one of those odd things to remember from a dissociated life), I used to eat bologna sandwiches every day. I've been repulsed by the thought of bologna since at least high school. Before I moved into my townhome a few years ago, I had delicious organic peanutbutter daily on toast. A huge treat. I brought two jars of it with me to the new home but it's not been touched. Change in home, change in dominant personality with different tastes? Thank goodness chocolate was never an issue.

After nearly two years of not moving, since I-day (integration) on Tuesday, I've been able to do healing energy work each day and stay off the extra calorie snacks. I have really good tasting snack bars with chocolate, high protein, and low calorie. As long as I remember to take one with me if I go out, I don't have the spontaneous chocolate bar craving. Or worse, the Starbucks double chocolate fudge espresso brownie and a truffle espresso. Guess it's just me having to be "on the same page" now. Although it is a melding of Jane's preferences and mine. Guess that will work out over time.

Even when integrated, initially it usually still feels like separateness until the smooth thoughts and actions become habit. I recall when a feisty little was in the process of integrating with adult me about 10 years ago. I'd have simultaneous double reactions which was beyond weird. Adult me would say, "Okay, fine." while my right hand would fly up and give the finger. Fortunately that was when I was a full-time healing survivor and not working or going to school. DID can be humorous and surprising. Kind of goes with comedians with unhappy childhoods having the best material, I guess.

In all the pain of healing, there were wonderful and even awesome moments. Am not feeling much internal anything since Tuesday...just lack of resistance to proceeding with my goals for healing my body. I do feel like my mind has put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I notice longer pauses for accessing information in my brain. That will pass though. And even though the external adult is one, the internal littles comprising the concept of inner child are happy and active and sometimes a little too spunky as I see sometimes on Twitter. Gotta watch that stuff.

While I've made this point before, and survivors have commented on this and other blogs, those with DID rarely appear out of the ordinary to the public. Their coping skills still work to get them through daily life. For most, there's only a brief time when memories begin that changes in mood or voice or personality may be noticed by others. We are fine (generally speaking) with the proper help. Society makes it so difficult for us to be ourselves. To say "We have DID" should not send the masses shrieking into the nearest shelter.

There is a generalized media-induced fear that anyone with DID has homicidal tendencies. This is so untrue and very unfair. If a person is telling you s/he has DID, it's known and being worked on. For women particularly, if there is a part prone to harm, it is towards the abusers only and understandable. I've stated before that women are more likely to harm themselves than ever harm another individual.

Men have a media-induced reputation of being dangerous and homicidal. If a man is in therapy and knows he has DID, he is not a danger. DID is often used as an attempted legal defense for someone who has committed a homicide but rarely was DID known or even validated prior to the crime. Just something to think about.

Being weird is not dangerous. In fact, it can be fun. Littles love to play games and color and watch Disney-like movies. I doubt you will be stabbed with a Crayola.

Another incarnation of me

2008-12-02T18:57:00.003-05:00

I wasn't sure whether to post here or on Forbidden Topic. Since it's more personal than helpful to others, I'm choosing here. I've blogged about my ongoing healing event...knowing something happened but not having that emotional connection to the internal change. That happened today. With all the ranting I do on this blog, I thought I'd share some serene thoughts as well as thoughts of doubt and future. Healing from DID is a long journey. I've disclosed I had two major integrations prior to becoming a full time therapist. So I was highly functioning with few issues to work on in therapy. When I began to practice, I changed therapy to once a month. That was a huge change for me.

The trauma of the medical stuff last year created some havoc with littles being shaken loose so I was feeling a little bit multiple again in the fear department. They healed fairly quickly once I realized what was happening. That happened somewhere between Halloween and mid-November. But back in September, a healed adult part of me came out as the blogger and advocate. I knew her as a little, Janie, and knew there was an adult Jane. Jane must have lived a major part of my subconscious life...integral part of my being.

I knew Jane was the advocate but I didn't realize until recently that I felt like I was in the background and she had taken over my life. I also came to realize she embodied the healed original child (sometimes called the core). Was thinking it was really her life. She should do what she wants. But her focus has been so intense and serious. I'm missing the fun in my life. I haven't played with my robotic dinos in ages and have felt stifled in making a new video featuring my tortoise Lucy. I've just felt different and disconnected...further from my friends than usual.

At one point in the past year or two, it became known that several healed adults had joined with me and we presented as one to the outside world. I didn't specifically notice any difference. It was odd that a merger happened into the conscious world when I did not share consciousness with them. I've stated before that the texts state "true integration" is when the one healing feels connected and feels ownership of all that happened in her life. I did not have that experience. I know this is complicated but would like to carry it out to the end.

On my drive to the therapist today, I came to realize that Jane coming forward back in September caused a redistribution (for lack of a better term) of the others who had joined me. All previously dissociated selves are integrated into Jane or me. In my therapy work today, Jane came to understand we needed to share this life we have and I wanted her to be able to continue with the education and advocacy but I wanted to feel joy in my life. Internally, I was behind Jane. She stepped to the side, placed her arm around me and helped move me next to her. I can't explain the overwhelming emotion. This loving feeling just surged between us. It was like seeing someone you loved ages ago never thinking you'd ever see them again. I sort of stayed in that internal feeling of loving for awhile.

The next thing that happened took me by surprise and I wasn't sure I liked it. Suddenly Jane and I melded into each other becoming one entity. I knew it was a good thing but also sort of scary. With any integration, life has more clarity and answers but there is always a fear of "What if I get lost and don't know who I am?" That's never happened but it remains a fear. Am feeling okay right now. I definitely want joy back in my life. I want life back in my life. This medical setback has been awful but may also have created a set of circumstances where I may have been unable to completely integrate without it. DID is weird.

I can definitely say my journey of integration is not what the experts would have you believe. The one big question is whether I will feel connected to the abuse that happened to my body...that ownership of my life. Time will tell. In the meantime, my core, my spirit, my being has strengthened. This I know.

Delusions vs. early childhood trauma memory

2008-11-24T17:26:00.003-05:00

Part of my internship for my counseling degree was with the inpatient psychiatric ward of a hospital. The hospital did not acknowledge DID and, as a student, I was advised not to make any waves. While it was clear many were delusional or schizophrenic, there were times I would have at least screened for dissociation. Instead, the hospital psychiatrists simply prescribed medication for delusions or "hearing voices" that would be against treatment guidelines for dissociation. No one bothered to even distinguish if "hearing voices" was from inside or outside. Outside voices usually goes with schizophrenia, but not always.

One of the reasons so few were diagnosed with DID in the past is that those with DID were misdiagnosed as schizophrenic. Colin Ross, M.D. wrote a book on this topic but is also supported in much validated research. I had one client who came to me while still heavily medicated from being diagnosed as schizophrenic for several years. He did not believe he was getting better. His psychiatrist was very nice to work with me and wean him off the zombifying medications. While the client was not DID, he had dissociated memories of abuse. His personality blossomed as the medications wore off. He maintained his antidepressant and antianxiety and healed to have a much more functioning life. In early interviews with him, he disclosed he was diagnosed as schizophrenic because he heard a voice and, in fact, had a name that went with the voice. Maybe not clear to all, but clearly to me the sign of a self state.

Tyler, the young boy whose healing is described in the first post of Believe the Children recalled adults dressed up as gorillas. Actually, he told me they were gorillas who could talk to him and who forced him to engage in sexual activities. Perps in gorilla suits. A 5-year-old reporting to a therapist who is not open to understanding DID that gorillas touched him in bad places and was made to do sexual things likely would have been labeled delusional or having fantasies. I shudder to think where that little boy would be now if he had seen someone who did not hear what a 5-year-old was trying to say or use techniques to help the child explain what a "gorilla" meant.

Tyler did not dissociate. Adults healing now from DID may have a similar trauma memory of a group of clowns or devils or gorillas forcing themselves upon the child. Remember the intentional unbelievability factor of child porn and exploitation groups. I have to wonder what is going on with therapists who are treating DID but then believe they are working with someone delusional if a memory comes up outside the therapist's realm of believability. What is happening to survivors of sophisticated and/or organized pedophilia in the hands of a therapist who cannot accept that the "delusions" are intentional and very treatable in someone with DID?

In my attempt to help my client with community law enforcement, I was repeatedly asked if she wasn't really delusional? How did I KNOW she wasn't making her current abuse up for attention? This is the life of every survivor. It's stepping through landmines to get help at any level. Change needs to happen.

Dear skeptical therapists: It doesn't matter!

2008-11-23T13:04:00.003-05:00

I'm a psychotherapist who intimately knows the world of DID and has gained great insight into the world of abuse from whence I came. I was fortunate to find a qualified therapist once I overcame my fear of going to a therapist. However, there has been a battle raging in the psychotherapy and world of psychiatry for years about "ritual abuse" and "mind control" being real. It must be delusional because there is no proof. How long did the US go before believing the holocaust existed? How many more could have been saved if someone had gone to see about the reports instead of saying "this could never happen"?

It's not about who did what or how it was done, it's about the survivor's distress. As therapists, our job is "first do no harm" and provide the best care possible. It doesn't matter if you believe a person was made to worship Satan or whether babies were killed and Lord knows what else happened. Remember Capricorn One? The American people were led to believe that a space capsule had landed on Mars when it was all made up on a stage using props. It is known that children will believe what they are told is true. Abuse statistics (without any adjectives to the abuse) are known to be high. Abuse is scary to a child. Often it is terrifying. During a state of heightened fear, the believability factor becomes greater. Fact.

I have processed memories where I was convinced for several years that at least one baby was killed in front of me and an 11-year-old boy. Later processing proved that both were hoaxes because my younger sister and my then 11-year-old cousin are alive. Were an actual child and young boy murdered to fool me? I'll never know. I do know props that look real were used and all technology available to include virtual reality were employed. More invasive things such as drugs were used to distort realities as well. All create a memory steeped in trauma. The survivor needs to heal from the trauma. Where it came from is irrelevant.

If a survivor says "I was gang raped by six gorillas," it is not delusional unless the survivor shows delusional tendencies in other areas of their life too. In trauma, what a child remembers is locked in. Healing from processing the gorilla memory is proof of no delusion. But if a therapist declares the survivor delusional for having such a memory, IMO, the "first do no harm" rule is violated. We don't have to have had experienced something firsthand to help someone heal from it. I have worked with grief but have not experienced loss of someone I loved (consciously).

Is it a phenomenon that survivors worldwide disclose similar memories of unbelievable abuse? Or is it because it is THAT pervasive? As therapists, we have to step back and treat our clients with respect regardless of what comes up as a trauma memory. If we are unable to do so, it's time to refer to a therapist with a more open view of how trauma might be instilled in a young child so as to appear unbelievable when it surfaces.

As survivors, you have the right to withdraw from treatment by someone who invalidates your memories and find someone who will treat you respectfully and with the intent to help to include consultation with others in the field with more experience.

We, as a society, must stop looking at the circumstances of the abuse, and must begin to see survivors in need of help to heal. We are not delusional. The sick f*cks who did this to us are not a delusion either.

Now it makes sense

2008-11-21T12:49:00.004-05:00

More answer leaked through today. Evil uncle was called favorite uncle's name in world of abuse. No one was called by real name if they were known in my life. My poor cousin who came up huge in my memories as growing up with me as "Mikey"...and "killed" at age 11. Evil uncle died with last 10 years. I'm so angry about good uncle. Guess I need to be careful of yet another layer of this crap surfacing. So many years to get to the truth. But my gut now says it was never the good uncle. His name was used to instill fear of the safe one.

The irony is that the perps who connected abuse to nice guy relatives while evil relatives did the harm then created an organization claiming therapists implant memories and DID doesn't exist. Why can't the world see through this sh*t?

This is how healing of a memory is validated. The distress is addressed and resolved. The part(s) experiencing the distress integrate or move back inside to be part of the whole. The healing headache. And then brain begins to reconnect to fill in some of the blanks. I wonder if it's too late to be a part of my good uncle's life? His daughter was a lovely person and good friend even though we lived on different sides of the nation. Maybe I do have family that loves me. Is that too much of a fantasy?

Unraveling the lies

2008-11-19T22:43:00.003-05:00

Incestuous families have a dynamic of creating divides between siblings and other relatives. Children of incest tend to have more issues with relationships than most. I have been able to piece together how a divide was created between my younger sister and me. I was closer to my older sister but not in the way I view close sister relationships in the media. My closest friends are more like sisters in my current life than my birth family. It's very sad.

The one family abuse dynamic I never understood is why my favorite uncle came up so prominently in abuse memories. Yet I never felt fear around him during childhood or the last I saw him in the 1990's. All other abuse was father focused...expanded to his world. Having my one maternal uncle in the mix has always been difficult for me to believe. I started to speak of this in the Forbidden Topic blog. It is possible, because my uncle was connected to an aspect of the world that crossed over into the sophisticated realm of organized pedophilia, they did not want me to be close to him.

My fear reaction has been to his name--not to him. Because of the situation with my 5-year-old client Tyler (Believe the Children) where the perps referred to other abused children by the names of his cousins, it is possible that tactic was used with me. Someone was an abuser who was called by my uncle's name throughout my childhood and beyond?

In following my uncle's career, I came across a biographical video. I'm in my 50s and he is in his 70s. He seems so happy and at peace in his life and with his wife whom I met and adored. I stared at the video and tried to look through him to see the evil. But there was none. If this was one of the manipulations by the organized pedophiles, I have no words to express the feeling of having what may have been my one safe family relationship stolen from me.

I'm able to step back now from the messages about abuse by my uncle and my genuine feelings toward him. I have such a visceral response to seeing photos of abusers or wondering if I might "run into" someone known to have been in my past. I have none of that with my uncle. Such is the stuff of memories. It takes so long to figure out all the lies, by the time enough of the truth is known, it may be too late to ever have someone who has truly been safe and family to be part of my current life.

Knowing how my mind was molded with certain beliefs and how Tyler's mind had already begun to be molded without the dissociative factor, it's frightening how easily a young child can be led to believe whatever a powerful adult says. Next time an older child or teenager is found in the custody of an abductor, please remember that no guns or weapons are needed to hold that child captive--to prevent the child from ever telling. Nothing causes me to feel sick faster than society quickly pointing to how many opportunities a child in danger did not take to tell someone of the situation. It doesn't work that way.

Let the truth be known

2008-11-15T22:22:00.008-05:00

For the first few years of my recovery, I journaled my trauma as it oozed from my subconscious as well as my healing process. What surfaced was a world I never knew existed. I've spoken of healing through collages. I have several trunks full of collages and research and drawings and doodles and scribblings. I gave a short presentation at the 1998 SMART conference on "scrapbook therapy" and how it could benefit healing as well as internal communication. I gave a longer presentation at the 1999 SMART conference. It was also at that time I had completed my book Paperclip Dolls documenting my healing to that point. My pen name and survivor name was Annie McKenna.

It's safe to say I really didn't know who I was at the time memories came up that included such government programs as Operation Paperclip (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4443934.stm) and MK-Ultra (http://www.arts.rpi.edu/~pellr/lansberry/mkultra.pdf). I found numerous survivors online with the same type of memories. I was deathly afraid of seeking a therapist who would be safe because of the content of my surfacing story. Becoming a psychotherapist didn't become a thought in my mind until 2000. I was able to enter a grad school counseling program in summer 2001. I made the transition from the world of what has been dubbed conspiracy theory to functionally healed survivor entering a new life chapter in a new career.

Note: The URLs provided above do not work if used in a hyperlink. Please cut and paste into your browser to get to the document.

In hindsight, I realize how focused I was on the unbelievability of my own memories and researching for hours a day only to find continued validation rather than information negating the memories that came from my murky dissociated past. Now that I'm beyond integration with much slowed new memory content and many resolved triggers, I realize now it doesn't matter what happened to me--only that I healed. But dealing with the memory content is, I believe, a stage of healing requiring focus to understand the breadth and intensity of the abuse.

I have been living in fear of having been Annie McKenna and now living my life as Grace the psychotherapist-blogger-writer-advocate. Last night I completed my application to the Obama Transition Project. I wanted to no longer have to hide that I was Annie McKenna. The new presidency is about openness. I shouldn't have had to feel shame about my history, but having had DID is still not completely accepted in my own profession, although it's the focus of treatment for my professional colleagues. Therapists who are also survivors mostly stay in the shadows so we can do the work we want to help others through that difficult healing journey.

For the first time ever, a professional organization of therapists who work with clients with DID, has opened discussion of the world of ritual and government abuse, both with the common denominator of organized pedophilia. For a therapist to speak of ritual abuse or government mind control has been taboo. Major strides have been made in the past few years. A presentation by professional colleagues was given to the United Nations to highlight the torturous methods used by groups of pedophiles to create dissociation. This is known to be a worldwide issue.

After 11 years of healing and living in both worlds, I still can't say what really happened to me other than a sh*tload of trauma. I know certain things were very real while other details are fuzzy. I was led to so much information about government abuse of its own citizens that I could not believe in anything political. I am aware of officials in my local government and/or agencies that have at least one person protecting the secrets of organized pedophilia. It is my hope that, under the new presidency, there might be a commission or task force to address these layers of government with the secrets as well as redirect the focus for survivors of abuse to safely report known "cult" activity and seek help. It would also require that health insurance companies be mandated to cover the more intense therapy needed for a survivor to heal from DID, and a new way for all of law enforcement and other helping agencies to view dissociation and work with victims of sophisticated abuse.

I want to be part of that change. The reason you don't see other therapists jumping on the bandwagon with this issue is that careers could be at stake. I'm in a place right now where my career is on hold and I can advocate from my home. I want it to be okay to be me to include my first few years of healing.

My book is no longer available although I'm going to try to make it available through Kindle. The SMART website still sells cassette tapes of each presentation from each SMART conference if anyone is interested. I don't benefit from sales. I've spoken in the Forbidden Topic blog about most techniques for which I gave presentations. What I have avoided in the blog are details about government and other key words that tend to cause the greater public to immediately dismiss the survivor. I am a survivor of that crap. I lived to heal. I lived to help others heal. And now I would like to be part of the change--to be proud of my country and my government once again.

Photo: My "nursery school" graduation photo. My mother has no recollection of my having been at nursery school, nor does my older sister. She was age 6 when I was 3. Look at the size of the diploma. Where are the other children? Why is "no one home" in my expression? Why is it a dirty area? Where was I when my mother thought I was in nursery school? If you look at the photo in enlarged detail, you can see the bruises under my lip and the blood on my lips. My mother always showed me that picture describing it as nursery school when she used to show it to me. Part of my manufactured childhood.

"My Own Worst Enemy"

2008-11-11T20:43:00.003-05:00

Just for the record, I wanted to point out the fallacies used as a basis for Edward/Henry's "split personality" in the new television series My Own Worst Enemy. The plot is something like this:

Edward, as an adult, gives his consent to undergo a technological creation of a personality split or alter ego. Edward is the spy who tortures, kills, does whatever to complete his assignment for the agency for which he works. Henry is the loving timid family man who wouldn't hurt a fly. This "program" intended for Edward always to be amnestic for Henry's activities and vice versa. But Edward and Henry are leaking over into each other's mind space. The ongoing message is that "he doesn't work anymore" and "must be terminated".

There are similarities to someone with multiple personalities and some very misleading plot lines. First of all, it's only a diagnosis of "multiple" for two or more distinct personalities who take over control of the body. "Split personality" is not a synonym for DID or multiple personalities. I don't know where that came from and didn't feel like looking it up since it is irrelevant. It is rare that someone with DID only has two personalities. That is more likely the case for someone who is dissociative, but not to the extreme of a diagnosis of DID.

Before Edward knew his alter ego Henry, neither had conscious knowledge of the other. In DID terms, they were both dissociated from one another. By having shared consciousness, they are no longer completely dissociated. They are sometimes co-conscious. At this point in the show, they each know when they are "switching" to the other. They leave each other messages on the cell phone or some handheld device. Alters can do this as well--write messages, draw pictures, run errands, help out and/or disrupt the life of another dissociated state. In such cases, the alter knows when s/he is taking over but, until the survivor begins to heal, s/he is amnestic for all activities conducted by an alter.

Edward agreed as an adult to have a dissociated self state created. I have no idea if such technology exists today. Since you can see in the show that the objective is something along the lines of a Manchurian Candidate, let us all pray it is not. Microchips are being implanted in people under the guise of safety but what else can the implants do? The only known way to have DID is to be traumatized physically, emotionally, sexually, or medically over a period of time as a young child. DID does not happen in adults. DID is usually diagnosed in adults but it is there because something horrible happened when the person was a child.

In one episode, Henry finds evidence of his childhood which he believes proves he was not created because Edward's agreement to an experiment. The woman who heads the tech lab where minds are routinely tampered with, shows Henry she is aware of his past because she "implanted" a lifetime of memories in him. This is the most distressing aspect of the show. It is doing great harm to the world of survivors and furthers the propaganda of "false memories". The claim that therapists can implant memories in a survivor is beyond far-fetched. An unscrupulous therapist might try to implant a hypnotic suggestion to take advantage of a client but no one has the ability to implant a lifetime of anything in another person.

Actually Henry believes he had a childhood because he found photos of what he believed was himself as a child. Often survivors recall their childhood history as shown repeatedly through pictures or slides the perp parent(s) showed over and over again throughout their lives. It becomes the conscious history. What is claimed to have been used against us to create such horrid memories of abuse was used to try to create a childhood timeline to allow us to recall childhood "highlights". Most people don't delve much further than those surface nontraumatic memories.

The mind naturally tries to fill in the blanks. Growing up with very little conscious memory of childhood seemed normal because my mind connected the dots that were there. The mind is incredible. The fact that we can heal from such horrific abuse is a miracle. I'm not sure that was part of the original plan. And Edward's mind is doing something that was never supposed to happen. For Edward, it means death. What kind of message do you think that delivers to survivors who are just beginning to heal and their fear is at such a heightened state from the recalled death threats "for telling"? I don't think the show was written by the good guys. Or the bad guys used their money and bought a big chunk of propaganda.

Enjoy the show. Please remember what is true and what is false. Just because it's on television doesn't make it so.

Words behind the video

2008-11-10T15:03:00.003-05:00

Shelter (lyrics behind the video The Missing Child Abuse Statistics)

They're crowded into the smallest spaces
While outside, all of nature cries
It's known to be cruel and unfair
But there is no place to hide
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there

Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm

I can't sleep - haunted by their faces
The sadness in their eyes
It hurts so much to see them helpless
It makes me want to cry
But still there is so much left unanswered
For so many innocent lives
They closed the door and are letting nobody in
And only the strong will survive

(Chorus)

I've seen the anger and I've seen all the dreams
And I've watched their existence torn apart at the seams
And though I may seem helpless
I will do all that I can do
I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there

Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm

Are we a media-controlled society? You decide.

2008-11-03T20:08:00.005-05:00

I just watched the movie Zeitgeist. All Americans should see this movie. Use your critical thinking skills. Hear what it says. Open your minds. Some intensity with scenes of war but it is enlightening in ways we need to be--as a nation who believes that we, the people, actually matter. It will shed light on why McCain would not end the war and why Bush got us into Iraq. How are we manipulated by the Federal Reserve Bank that is not in any way Federal but has the power to completely control the banks and the money market leading to panic and foreclosures and bankruptcy. Gee, isn't that what is happening now?

The research presented on the basis of religion is fascinating. Suffice it to say, as Bush exits as president, he leaves the country primed for the next step for us to be even more controlled by the wealthiest among us. Obama's campaign goes directly against every point made by this movie for Americans to open their eyes before it is too late. I invite you to watch the movie and ask yourself, "What if this were true?" Then look at your own personal history and view of the world and see what fits and what doesn't. This film is asking you to think. My blog is asking you to think. If you think the government covering up pedophilia is farfetched, your eyes are not open.

Regardless of who our next president will be, watch this movie. Please. We need to guide our government. We need to be watching the greater strategy and not allow it to happen. We cannot allow McCain to continue with the Bush legacy. What I found most shocking was an objective for the children of the U.S. NOT to be educated so the next generations would not question government and personal liberties. See where the U.S. is with regard to level of education in the world. One of Obama's primary goals is to educate our children. We do need dramatic change. Obama asks us to take part in our own governing. That's how we take back the power the banks have taken over us.

The movie ends with a quote. “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." This quote has been attributed to John F. Kennedy, Jimi Hendrix, and others.

Vote tomorrow. It matters.

Pedophile Network into Government

2008-11-01T15:52:00.006-04:00

I'm so sick of this stuff. The county in which I had tried to enlist help for my client who is still being horrifically harmed by a group of male perps, just had it's former County Commissioner arrested for illegal sexual activities. He videotaped himself 100 to 500 times having sexual encounters with young men, most of whom he hired as escorts. It's so obvious on our local level. No wonder law enforcement won't touch it or puts the blame on victims. They don't want any part of shaking up the system that supports the perverse activities of those who could impact the employment of a "whistleblower".

I was personally attacked by the county Attorney General's office and a local rape crisis unit in attempting to advocate for my client under constant attack by "child alter predators" for lack of a better term. We need a new vocabulary to include these acts of rape and education with a safe way of reporting for victims as well as enforcers of the law.

I'm guessing it happens nationally but there are a few cemeteries in my greater area that are attacked on a regular basis by "vandals". Except that it takes heavy duty construction equipment to knock over the tombstones which would be impossible by a few teenage thugs. A recent local news report told of a cemetery where vandalism happened on the same night for several weeks in a row. Well why the heck wasn't there a surveillance camera on that third week? Is it just me? Why wouldn't it be THAT simple? Unless it really wasn't the intent to find the "vandals". And why doesn't law enforcement get real and look at the dates on the calendar set up by the perps for their meetings to see that every year the cemeteries are attacked on the same days or within the same time period?

I was able to do that online to see the pattern. I'm not law enforcement. Do you know how many people come to this website by searching for pedophile sites? It sickens me. Who do I report that to? Does anyone care? Yoohoo. Looking for pedophiles? Follow these IP addresses.

I hope Obama is elected and has the power to truly shake out the government of all the secret connections to pedophilia and put an end to whatever was started during the Cold War. Some of the most active in the publicly known shame of MK-Ultra are still alive.

Look at this quote taken from this description of MK-Ultra:

The Agency [CIA] poured millions of dollars into studies probing dozens of methods of influencing and controlling the mind. One 1955 MK-ULTRA document gives an indication of the size and range of the effort; this document refers to the study of an assortment of mind-altering substances described as follows:

1. Substances which will promote illogical thinking and impulsiveness to the point where the recipient would be discredited in public.

Gee, doesn't this sound like what happens to adult survivors with DID? We are discredited and it was intentional. I believe there is no greater example of government and world psychiatric involvement with MK-Ultra than this. Documents exist that prove Canadian psychiatrist Ewen Cameron was the recipient of funds from MK-Ultra to do mind control experiments at the Allan Memorial Institute of McGill University in Canada. His victims were unwitting participants and suffered lifelong aftereffects. During his time of involvement with the government program in the 50s and 60s, Cameron was the head of the World Psychiatric Association as well as president of both the Canadian and American Psychiatric Associations. The Canadian government knew of the involvement and provided additional funding!

This was the known beginning of government agencies involved in ordinary citizens becoming unwitting victims of human experimentation. Rather than provide citations, I encourage interested readers to google a few key words and learn for yourself. Read the actual documents as opposed to someone interpreting "on your behalf". You be the judge. It has never been acknowledged that children were used as part of MK-Ultra yet, simultaenously, children were being used by the Department of Energy as cited in another post on this blog. Why wouldn't they use children? Why wouldn't they tap into the evil nature of pedophiles among their own ranks? Why do so many with DID who grew up in the 50s and 60s have similar memories of government and hospitals and institutions connected to universities? It's all in the MK-Ultra hearings. The survivors are the proof.

The former County Commissioner arrested in my area this week is proof. The woman I used to treat will soon no longer be able to tell her story. Everything connects to everything. I pray for a new government...the sooner the better. At some point good people will tune in and listen and find those missing 600,000 children reported by the FBI in 2007 as adult victims with a diagnosis of DID and needing mental health care to help them heal from so many years as the invisible abused. Let's not wait another 30 to 50 years to learn the truth about these children.

Question your reality. Check the facts. Don't let the media think for you.

"Bring on the Evidence of My Life"

2008-10-28T21:22:00.006-04:00

What A Day, a song by Greg Laswell, sung for a Grey's Anatomy episode, are the lyrics to my day. The rest of my yuck memory surfaced during my therapy session. I'm grateful that my mind can be out of that level of distress by surgery next week. The answer is always something humane people cannot possibly imagine. I can't imagine having survived what I remember from many memories. Today was particularly gruesome. Sometimes I wish I hadn't survived to remember them.

There was a time having a memory like this would have disabled me for weeks. I'm now at a point where I recognize when a memory is coming, do what I can on my own, recognize what needs to happen when I can hear reassuring words from my therapist. I suspected my older sister was also a victim but it never came up in my system as a direct message. I had alter names that were similar to hers. In my dreams she is always helping me. She was a nice big sister. I have conscious memory of her teaching me to tie my shoes. Part of the message was both my sisters were victims of my father. My younger sister was in my memories as a baby/toddler. I grew up terrified of her without any conscious reason.

I had also read that sometimes one child of a perp will not be hurt. I figured my older sister had been spared. But her husband came up as a perp. Strange family history with him. My father and his previous generations came up. He had the perfect parental combination to be a sadist. Am sure he tortured and killed animals as a child.

For the first 2-3 years of my healing, I thought all of my abusers were connected to my father and far from home. A boy who was with me through my abuse from birth to age 11 appeared to have been killed in a horrific manner in my presence. My family moved overseas the summer I was 11. I had a very twisted history of "Mikey". Later in healing I learned "Mikey" had been my cousin who was still alive and well. We were born a month apart. That was a stunning answer. Shook up my life all over again. Mikey was the son of my father's sister. My favorite aunt. Her husband was evil personified. If I had to choose between that uncle (now deceased) and my father as a child, I would have chosen my father even though I was always afraid of him. Another trick, lie, to cause me great distress in my dissociated life. My cousin has not had a good life. Very troubled since high school. I saw him only a few times at family gatherings prior to the late 90s from the time we returned from that overseas assignment.

Another relative who was the biggest shock, was an uncle...on my mother's side. How was that possible unless all family and all relations were either perps and/or dissociative. The "ideal" dysfunctional multi-generational family? I can't say much about my uncle other than that his name and his particular world surfaced. Yet I have no distress surrounding him except for generalized fear of family. I recall always wanting to be close to him consciously. No fear. Even at the last family gathering. I would have thought he was the most gentle being on the planet. That is how the rest of the world views him...that and being brilliant. I still reel from this knowledge. I hope my memory is wrong. But I trust it sufficiently to maintain my distance.

Using Tyler as an example, the child featured on Believe the Children, names of his young cousins were used by abusers for other children being hurt with him which makes the report unbelievable. My memories have had proof of their reality...at least locations. Precise details. Understanding the dynamics of families with organized pedophiles, it makes sense that abuse would have come from both sides. It's still mind boggling. I still hold out hope my uncle is safe. Not all has been processed.

What a day to be alive
What a day to realize I'm not dead

I'm glad to feel the relief of having the answer that needed to come forward. It's never easy to know any detail of horror. My being was literally shattered with this memory. It created the little boy alters who could answer honestly to "Are you a girl?" It wasn't okay for me to be a girl coming into this world. The only way to instill such a belief in a 4- or 5-year-old girl was to create huge trauma and cause a breakdown that would result in a division where a female child could be consciously a girl and subconsciously believe she was a male. It's a lot to process. Evil genius if you think like a perp, I guess. It's sad to have to know how to think like a perp to truly understand or make any sense of the "why".

Ever hear the terms on television shows...like Alias? People are always referred to as assets. Depersonalize. What a day to be human.

Preparing for Oct 31st

2008-10-25T15:34:00.007-04:00

Any survivor of organized pedophilia or a pedophile who made holidays a day of abuse dreads Halloween, beginning with the store decorations a month or more earlier. Then come the lawn decorations. We use our coping skills. More are needed during early healing. I'm pretty much healed from dissociation but still have PTSD with a few very strong responses remaining.

Yesterday, I was the passenger (thank goodness) in a car following a car that had a partial arm and hand hanging out of the trunk. I didn't see it initially. When I did, I went into a screaming sort of panic attack. I was observant of the reaction and calmed myself down but hated having to follow that car for another five minutes. I was angry that people thought that was funny.

Early in healing, I couldn't deal with the lawn decorations and especially the night of trick or treating. Little kids in costumes. But it was terrifying. Trigger overload. I've lost many of those responses. Either I'm just subconsciously blanking out the decorated homes or not as many people are doing lawn skeletons or graveyards or dead people hanging off of roofs this year. I've been okay but still dread it.

I know I spoke of this before but it's very much on my mind right now and on the minds of survivors and victims everywhere. An innocent pumpkin even uncarved, sends a bit of a chill down my spine. Still. Something horrid happened on Halloween night that went into November 1st when I was very young. I think I had just turned two. It has stayed with me and my mind never let go of whatever happened. I think I know, but I will never have proof. Except that I have PTSD to Halloween after ten years of healing and even helping others to cope with their own Halloween PTSD.

I will cope. I have the skills. I shouldn't have to cope though. No child should ever have to cope with the level of trauma those with DID endure and endured.

Page 2 of the story

2008-10-21T20:58:00.003-04:00

Herschel Walker has DID. I saw his video today on YouTube and a longer version at FORA.tv. One of the better articles was written by a CNN website. Interesting listening to him. Finally someone normal people can relate to. He won the Heisman Trophy in 1982. See what an amazing life he led? No one knew. His wife started to see the switching once he began to fall apart before the healing.

I read several articles that were released in April 2008. Many spread the misinformation. Some were well reported. What I heard of Herschel's video, he is sincere in describing how he embraces his personalities. One article was so offensive, I left my point of view, FWIW. Walker wrote his story Breaking Free: My Life with DID which was also released in April 2008. The odd part of the story is Herschel believes (as does his therapist) that alters were created in response to bullying in grade school. Possibly he hasn't gotten to the original abuse memories since he would have had DID from abuse prior to age 9 (at the latest).

His therapist obviously was not trained to treat DID. Some of the articles sensationalized issues, especially a suicidal part. I'm sure in men that would manifest in more active and violent ways than a woman would consider. I can't speak to the veracity of stories of him threatening his wife with a knife in an alter state. I feel badly that his story cannot be written accurately because people write the propaganda instead of the well researched work by the experts. DID needs a spokesperson. I'm sure any celebrity who has struggled with identifying and healing from DID has gone to great lengths to hide it. Look at what has been done to Britney Spears. If she has DID, she is suffering enough without her mental health issues being plastered across headlines.

A singing group called Thirteen Senses has extraordinary songs that match the realm of organized pedophile abuse. Makes me wonder if the composer is a survivor. Sarah McLachlan sings beautifully and chillingly of that world of abuse. Maybe one day we survivors will have our spokesperson so we will be heard.

I vs. We vs. You

2008-10-17T20:16:00.002-04:00

Something extraordinary happens to people who realize they have DID. Their language changes to describe themselves as "we". It's sort of a natural evolution. And it is difficult to hide in public. Survivors try to hide it because it is unacceptable to society (from the greater world to the workplace to the family of origin). Lives of those who are victims of horrific abuse have to hide what is happening to them at a most vulnerable time in their lives when they want to be reaching out to others.

I learned the hard way. My best friend at work, where I was employed at the time of coming undone, was someone I trusted. Of course I was sharing about my nightmares and research and OMG I have multiple personalities! Well, it scared the sh*t out of him. I told my boss because I thought she should know because I was so emotionally distressed and still trying to work. She was angry when I needed short-term disability to try to regroup from the emotional bomb because I left her short-handed. So much for support. I didn't learn from that experience. When I was further along with memories, I had left my full time employment and tried a less demanding job. In trying to help a fellow employee whose sister was remembering father abuse, I offered information that frightened her.

This is what the media has done to us abuse survivors. I learned just prior to my leaving my full time position that my former best friend at work had believed some part of me would jump out and punch him. He was over 6' tall and I'm under 5'. Go figure. It's ridiculous how we have to fight propaganda. If you're a friend, you can ask! What can I do to help you? Should I be afraid of you? What should I do if you are someone else here at the office?

I remember struggling to hide the "we" in my language. Of course that only served to fuel the unnecessary fear if I let it slip. If you know someone who has DID, allowing them to just be comfortable is a wonderful gift. Friends and significant others open to knowing all of the person they love or care about can give healing a much-needed boost. You may get to know other selves. If an identity feels safe to speak to you, the more likely that part will begin sharing consciousness with the person you know as your friend. It's all good.

When I began to speak to classmates at grad school, I was extra careful about my language. By the end of the degree program, I had at least one major integration. My language shifted just as naturally back into "I". I didn't have to think about it. I still could have been a therapist with DID and all the coping skills, but integration made it easier and I'm grateful for the change before I began to see clients.

Actually, it's reassuring to say "we" as a multiple. It's validation to all inside who are unhealed or healed but separate (cooperation vs. integration). All share the body. "We" is a term meaning more than one. It's the correct term.

Falling awake from amnesia

2008-10-15T12:25:00.005-04:00

**Viewing the video may be triggering to unhealed survivors**

I've been trapped in my creative flow lately. I think I just completed the last video for awhile. It taps into all my energy although I'm pleased with the result in educational terms. The new video was created to help the greater world understand what it's like for trauma memories to begin to seep through consciousness in sleep. Images of what might be typically innocent objects come up as trauma with no meaning initially. Puzzle pieces that will eventually make sense. The logical brain tries to put the pieces together, but the pieces initially viewed may not even go with the same puzzles(s). Fitful sleep is a problem for all with DID. Some medications help but don't stop the brain's natural process of releasing the trauma.

It was challenging to create a dreamscape. Often dreams continue in a similar manner to the leaking memories. A continuing dream is a sign that it likely goes with a memory. Often survivors become fearful of going to sleep. I personally chose to sleep on the sofa for about a year since I seemed not to have memories when I didn't go to sleep in bed. Eventually nightmares began on the sofa as well. Since major healing, I rarely have the trauma nightmares. I still often awake having had a dream with elements of my unknown past feeling scared or trapped. It's "softened". I wonder if it ever fully processes. I do have periods of time with no dreams. I don't seem to dream at all unless some element of my dissociated past is included.

Before memories, I had wonderful dreams and strange typically odd dreams from bits and pieces of my conscious world. I also had my share of nightmares which I always viewed as just nightmares and something normal.

Lately, I'm a bit overwhelmed realizing how society and government as we know it now is so inculcated with this pedophilia web. It's a shame it keeps getting passed on because the abusers from my past are in their 70s and 80s now...mostly. I keep waiting to see their obituaries. Do you realize that government money supports the abuse of our children? Some subheading of a subheading in the budget.

So as not to sound too "out there", I'd like to suggest you check out the Dept. of Energy's website disclosing it's human radiation experiments which included children during the Cold War. And let us not forget the Tuskeegee experiments, the radiation in the oatmeal of orphans, nonconsensual testing of soldiers, injecting terminally ill cancer patients with Plutonium without their knowledge at Massachusetts General Hospital in the 40s and 50s, and more.

Somehow the records of these projects are never released or found until 30 to 40 years after the secret experiments. If you search for government human experimentation, there is a list showing known experiments as recently as 2000. Where in the government are today's human experimentation projects hidden and funded? Think Agent Orange, the measles vaccine where Kaiser Permanente has been implicated in a class action suit, and numerous references to biological experimentation on soldiers who gave no consent and had no knowledge until after the fact. It makes me wonder about bird flu and something else that turned up in the US in the past few years that hadn't been here before.

Possibly having biology labs, and military and government elements in memories (proven or not) causes one to question the government's allegiance to its own citizens. I can't tell you how tragic it was for me to remember something scientific in a memory/dream only to learn it was true. This is why speaking the truth is forbidden. It's too big to stop. But the secrecy aspect of anything can only go on as long is goes unquestioned by the humanity of our world. By the way, reading or hearing anything scientific or mathematical is a trigger to me. How does that happen if trauma didn't get connected to it? Just something to consider.

It doesn't matter if what I remember or other survivors with similar memories are recalling is truth. Questioning is good. Demanding disclosure is good. Senator Kennedy was part of declassifying many documents related to experiments on unwitting college students, military and government employees and citizens in the early 1970s. However, the person in charge of the program known as MK-Ultra destroyed as many documents as he could prior to the hearings (see Wikopedia's page on this topic). A group of people who had been targeted for experimentation under this program in Canada were finally successful in receiving a settlement from the CIA.

In reviewing the link to the MK-Ultra hearings, I just noticed that Senator Biden was on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence investigating MK-Ultra. Why weren't the citizens of the nation outraged when that was going on? There was barely a ripple.

Waking up from amnesia is definitely a double edged sword. I wish America would wake up and smell the deception and subhuman elements of our government and society...before I die. That is my wish. The background song to the new video is Gary Jules's "Mad World". Yeah, it is.

Validation is a b*tch

2008-10-10T10:53:00.006-04:00

During the first three months of 2007, several members of the psychological community and/or survivors opened an extensive online questionnaire for survivors of extreme abuse. Over 1,400 survivors from 31 countries participated. Word of the survey was spread through the internet and therapists with clients who were survivors. It was a "spread the word" campaign. Survivors who knew survivors who knew support groups of survivors.

The term "extreme abuse" encompasses all that I have been addressing plus elements I won't specifically address here, but am providing the link if you wish more details. It also is one explanation of why there was a "surge" of adults with a diagnosis of DID in the 80s and 90s.

My motivation for finding the results was to support my presentation here that the common denominator for extreme abuse is organized pedophilia. The following was copied from the Extreme Abuse Survey results:

Listed below are the five most frequently reported “yes” responses for the memories, possible aftereffects, and personal experiences sections [of the survey].

Memories

Receiving physical abuse from perpetrators
Sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators
Being threatened with death if I ever talked about the abuse
Witnessing physical abuse by perpetrators on other victims

Possible Aftereffects

Sleep problems
Painful body memories
Posttraumatic stress disorder
Unusual fears
Beliefs indoctrinated by perpetrator(s)

The five most frequently reported healing methods that were checked either “much help” or “great help” are:

Individual Psychotherapy/Counseling
Supportive Friends
Creative Writing
Personal Prayer/Meditation
Journaling

As you can see, the most common elements of memories match what survivors of organized pedophilia most recall with the same aftereffects. Do you see the most helpful healing methods? That's all that is needed. It's a longer therapy process than most but it is psychotherapy. Yet, survivors are denied or greatly limited in their choices of finding a therapist trained and/or willing to work with clients with DID. There is no special ingredient to healing. No exorcism. Hospitalization may be needed but is not necessarily a component of healing.

It is known there are far more than 1,471 survivors worldwide. Many survivors do not have access to a computer and wouldn't have known of the survey. In many cases, if a survivor had heard of the survey, they wouldn't have been able to participate due to lack of computer knowledge. And there is the unknown number who have yet to begin to remember or "suicided" (committed suicide due to internal messages to self destruct).

Abuse at the hands of multiple pedophiles is more widespread. Considering 20 million Americans are believed to be victims of parental incest, one can only imagine what percentage adapted with DID. Even using the common statistic often refuted in the community of therapists who treat DID of 1 in 100 (of the entire population), that is a staggering statistic. Then translate that to worldwide.

DID is not rare. It is also not common. It just is. It is a response to repeated traumatic abuse in childhood. Incest victims meet that definition but not all incest begins prior to age 6. DID is not a choice. After a lifetime of unknown secrets, survivors must learn to remain mostly secretive to survive with a semi-normal life in society because of the skewed perception of DID. And that sucks even more than validation.

A special thanks to the brave souls who spent untold hours working on developing the survey and implementing it in a manner to be accepted into psychological publications for the world to know. If readers of this blog choose to visit the Extreme Abuse Survey results, be forewarned. Survivors were subjected to what is categorized as torture while young children. It's intense.

When the bough breaks

2008-10-08T23:38:00.005-04:00

A new video to show what it's like for someone with previously unknown DID to begin remembering. I specifically made it without mentioning DID because maybe those who have been poisoned against the concept of DID might "hear" this message.

Did Steven get it right?

2008-10-06T11:11:00.003-04:00

Steven Spielberg is behind a new "dark comedy" to air on Showtime, The United States of Tara. The main character is a wife and mother of two teenage kids who seems normal on the surface but actually suffers from dissociative identity disorder. The series follows Tara as she deals with her various personalities. In the pilot, her personalities include a teen girl and adult man who emerge at times of stress. I saw the teaser for the pilot last night.

Spielberg is known for his sensitivity in treating serious topics and his research. We can only hope that will hold true for this series. Those with DID certainly joke about it. We have to. And it's okay for those with DID to joke amongst themselves. I would dearly love to see this pilot present this topic with great sensitivity through humor and grace (words cited as commentary to announcement of this topic. The writer of the co-pilot is the person who wrote Juno which was a wonderful movie--serious issues with a sense of humor.

In looking for more about the new show, I found articles using the wrong terms (i.e. multiple personality syndrome). The personalities were described from an entertainment perspective: an aggressive male biker or promiscuous teenage girl or Martha Stewart-like homemaker. The same review described the series as Weeds meets Sybil. No premiere date can be found. Maybe I'll catch the preview again on Showtime with an air date.

Hmmm. I wonder if Tara is in therapy in the show? Would love to see the topic handled accurately and neither trivialized nor sensationalized.

In the thick of it

2008-10-04T13:06:00.010-04:00

I won't ever have a way of knowing unless I'm led to an answer. But it's possible my one client's perps (who follow me because of my having advocated for her in the past), were part of my own abuse "network". It's only been 11 years I've been fully conscious in my life. I already know that my other actively abused client had a perp in her life who had been my role model neighbor when I was in high school. Katie is the 4-year-old alter of a former adult client. The gang of pedophiles to which she is connected against her will is headed by a man about 10 years younger than me. He would have been a 30-year-old pedophile when I was a 40-year-old dissociated victim.

I've lived in this area since high school. When my parents moved away, I know now my neighbor knew how to keep me in the fold. I was going on 30 then. When I "woke up", I was working full time, quite effectively and with much conscious praise, for a managed health care company. I had to take leave because of the conscious trauma of the first memories and having to learn how to return to work and somehow be okay. During that short-term leave, I began to do collages. One of my collages along with some internal narrative showed me a vice president of my company, an alter, something to do with foreign stocks, and the word SPIN.

The collage with all the symbols meant nothing to me. I could see things like NOK and "trading at the sound of the bell" and dollar signs. When I looked up NOK, I saw it was the symbol for Norwegian currency. The alter is on the phone and financial symbols are surrounding her. Someone has a finger over their lips. "Don't tell." I had not yet fully learned to understand how I received messages. Even though the collage told me a particular person at work was using the word "spin" with some phrase by telephone to cause me to make phone calls to what? Make stock or currency trades? For whom? Why?...It seemed too surreal to me.

I returned to work after leave. I interacted with this company officer by phone and in person to collaborate on a weekly project. One day, shortly after my return, he came to my desk, pulled up a chair, and we reviewed the project. No problem. Soon after he left, my phone rang. It was him. He wanted a change made but trusted me to write what he wanted to convey. As I was about to hang up, he said, "I trust you to put your spin on it." I stayed conscious, kinda laughed, hung up, and nearly passed out I got so dizzy. I had another picture of the adult female alter hanging upside down with the words "In spin we trust" under her. I trust you to put your spin... My collage and internal message were right on. I learned to trust internal messages very quickly after that.

The first company I worked for out of high school was for the same company where my neighbor worked. WTF? And look at the irony of my last job before having to give up life as I knew it for healing. Survivors scream for help healing while health care refuses to recognize the diagnosis of DID as requiring intensive therapy. And there I was at a managed care company being used in a dissociative state! That's as much as I know definitely about my former dissociated adult life. Exploitation for activities out of conscious awareness.

So I remained living in an area apparently entrenched in this crap for the past 40 years. I live among people who have seen me doing things I don't remember doing...kiddie porn is all I remember from childhood. But what if there are things out there now with me as an adult? I can't deal with that madness. I'm so upset just writing that thought. Both my father and the one survivor's parents worked in the same place. Their paths crossed in the 1970s but it could have been for at least 10 years. Does that mean we only lived places in my life where this stuff was going on? Pedophile community to pedophile community? Do they all know each other? Refer to each other if moving to a new area?

I had confirmation during very early healing that all levels of organized pedophilia interact. I would imagine all pedophile communities surrounding a hub city are aware of each other. Possibly each specializes in some aspect of exploitation. This is what law enforcement needs to figure out. It's huge. It's scary. I walk among my perpetrators. My life has never been my own. Even as healed as I am, they make sure I know they are there. The only way I can do it is to say f*ck them and walk out the door. Some days that's difficult to do. Some days that's impossible to do. Some days I really can say WTF and go about my day. Life shouldn't have to be this difficult. I am only one survivor. I suspect the numbers of victims (children and adults) is in the hundreds of thousands rather than thousands who don't know they are even being used. It's sickening.

Had I known early in my healing I was still in the thick of it, I doubt I could have handled it. I don't know how Katie and the adult of my former client's body handle that knowledge. I had originally thought all of my abuse happened when I was out of town (or taken away from home when younger). I couldn't imagine or even suspected it was local. My mind didn't allow me to go there. It was not until I was in grad school that those memories surfaced. At that point they were answers that made perfect sense. Also it was horrific processing that had been the case and it was outside my door. But I was strong enough to know it and choose to remain here where the rest of my life is. I don't think it matters if I'm here or I move. Someone's eyes from that world will be watching.

Once born into that world, the victim is theirs. Infancy until thirties or forties with some outliers. And add about ten years for strong healing. If we're lucky, we get a mostly conscious and peaceful retirement. It's so surreal to say; I'm sure it's surreal to hear. Even when not connected to a group, a child's future is sealed pretty much for the first three quarters of her life if DID is created from overwhelming abuse. This cannot ever be okay.

No one to call for help

2008-10-03T19:23:00.007-04:00

In real life, at this very moment, the child alter "Katie" of adult victim/survivor "Christina" could be in the hands of the pedophile group that has haunted her life at least since toddlerhood. Denial by the nation allows her life to be in jeopardy every moment of every day. The police have given permission for her abusers to access her as often as they want because she is too terrified of the police to call them and I can no longer call the police for her, not to mention they scoff at her "problems". I'm distanced from her life and don't know the details of her daily struggles. I just know it continues.

Earlier this week, the adult body in which Katie resides, had a heart procedure to hopefully slow down her rapid heartbeat. She needs to be stable for the surgery to repair the leak in her skull from her brain surgery several months ago. She believes she cracked it open when she fell a month or so ago. But Katie said the "big boys" had pushed her down to the ground at the barn where she's frequently taken for abuse beyond what most of us cannot imagine enduring once in a lifetime, let alone several times a week. Sometimes her abuse takes place overnight or for a weekend. No one misses her because she has no contact with family and has no friends in her life. Good work by the perps, no doubt. An isolated victim is the best kind of victim. Katie falls a lot in her life because of her multiple sclerosis. And this group of men is relentless. Bruises are believed to be from MS rather than pedophiles. After all, what pedophiles attack a woman in her fifties? That's what the hospital and police see and hear.

The day Katie was in the hospital having her heart procedure, I was followed to my physical therapy appointment and back. Silverado 4x4s. I now have Silverado PTSD. I don't stop for gasoline when I'm out. I'll risk fumes to get home and ask my SO to take care of the car. I will run an errand if I'm already out because I feel safe in a store. I worry about one of them trying to cut me off though or do what happened last week--look as if they are not going to stop at a stop sign right when my car passes. I could kill myself swerving into another car or running off a road. Organized pedophiles don't typically kill someone directly. It won't be by their hand. It will appear accidental or suicidal.

To me, Katie is being murdered. I can't save her. It's not appropriate for me to save her or be active in her life as former therapist. I can report what goes on with me but I also know I can't report several people following me in several cars arbitrarily. They are always covered by that unbelievability factor. If I felt threatened while on the road, I would call the police. At least they would have had my report on file before my death. There is a pattern of the ones who follow me. It's usually not in a heavy traffic area. They hang back much further than safe distance. If forced to be close to my car, they usually pull along side to be intimidating in their big trucks with the lost or stolen license plates. On Wednesday they followed me from the hairdresser (as they had done at my last appointment). They always know where I am. Is there a GPS tracker on my car? How would anyone know?

As I got to the last main intersection before I got home, I saw at the traffic light there was a parking space as soon as I would make the turn. I turned and quickly pulled into the empty spot forcing the truck to pass me. This is not how I wish to live. I can barely think of Katie's situation. She and the adult who was my client will do everything possible to stay awake in hopes they can derail any plans the bad guys have that day or night. Unfortunately, when a dissociated part has the job of taking over and opening the door to the perps, and the person is not actively working on healing, it can't be prevented. Dissociation just happens.

Katie is a tragic example of what society has allowed. Most with DID at the hands of organized pedophiles have good guys and bad guys inside too. It usually comes undone fairly easily when the person is safe and in treatment. When medical issues caused me to stop being a therapist about 18 months ago, Katie's perps became extra brutal. The perp parts inside of Katie's body are stronger than she is because abuse has overwhelmed her life. She doesn't get a break.

My hope is that one day the police will understand how an adult can be "populated" by a few or many because of abuse. And if a report is made that it is ongoing, especially when a member of the psychological community is working with the person and assists with helping the client to feel empowered by accompanying her to report her abuse, the police will take an active interest. I simply don't understand law enforcement not wanting to pursue reports of an active gang of pedophiles in the community. I can believe they do not understand DID. But when offered to understand it so they could help the woman, they refused. Again, it makes me wonder how complicit at law enforcement is by turning a blind eye.

I'm feeling unempowered and scared that I can't call the police to help me and I feel such a sense of something that goes beyond helplessness knowing Katie's situation. Katie's story is every adult survivor's story when the organized group takes her into adulthood. Since memory usually does not surface until 35 to 45, they know they can get to a victim for at least that long. The age of Katie's body at the time her psychiatrist identified her dissociation and referred her to me was early 50s. When she dies, she will have never known a day of safety from the bad guys.

How common is it that someone begins to remember and is still actively being abused? I don't know if there are statistics about that. Apparently it happens sufficiently that I attended a workshop by one of the leading researchers of DID in the world in 2003 and learned how to help a victim become more aware (stop dissociating when hearing or seeing a cue and/or immediately dissociating at the sight of a perp) to stop the abuse. In that workshop, the real life example was an adult married woman at home whose perp knew she was alone at a certain time on a certain day of each week. She healed sufficiently to report the abuse as a healed adult and her childhood-into-adulthood perp was arrested and prosecuted. He had been raping her weekly because an alter answered the door when he knocked and likely another alter came out as cued for the sexual perversion. The woman just knew she lost time for several hours every "Thursday about 3 pm". The incident was in another country. I wish I could say it had been the U.S.

The technique worked to help Katie's host to become more aware but it was and remains Katie's job to do what the perps tell her. Katie tries to "stay awake" but has no control over another part opening the door or, scarier, an adult part of her from the internal perp side drives her to the barn or other mandated location. This is bizarre. I know it's bizarre. It feels bizarre. It sounds bizarre. It is a reality for life with DID. Where's a good cop when you need one?

I posted an educational article about DID and organized pedophilia on a website for law enforcement. Several woman made positive comments. When I started a forum to ask what was preventing law enforcement from learning about dissociation and working with dissociated victims, not one person responded. Don't you find that unusual? What is going on?

My wish is that, in my lifetime, the movement toward re-educating the helping arms of communities regarding DID will have begun. Right now, the pedophiles are winning from every conceivable aspect. No one is looking. No one cares. No one believes.

Freaking out behind the wheel

2008-10-01T12:09:00.005-04:00

I had a first yesterday. Some of my early healing triggers were being the passenger in a car when a male was driving...especially if we were lost. Panic of finding the way back. If I drive myself, I have experienced a protector driver with me when I'm feeling triggered. I have sometimes been lost from making a wrong turn or getting off the wrong exit but always found my way back. Not to say I wasn't kind of freaked out during the period of being lost.

I experience highway hypnosis fairly frequently which is sometimes weird but not triggering. I had never zoned out for any substantial time knowingly before...until yesterday. I decided to take a back route I knew well to avoid a traffic jam. I remember being at a familiar intersection of a well-traveled road that looked "out in the country" because it was heavily treed. The next thing I knew I was passing something vaguely familiar but wondering if I needed to be turning. Possibly I zoned out again. When I saw the road I was on, I knew none of what was around me. I decided to turn around and the panic became palpable. Thank heavens for cell phones.

My SO knows my "I need a helicopter to airlift me outta here" panic and talked me through getting headed back to known territory. I was at least a five minute drive away from the mark but had been heading even further away after turning around. It seemed like forever until I got to where I should have turned. I had no recollection of turning onto the road which would have been a right hand turn about 1/2 mile from my last conscious memory. I didn't like it. I didn't like my panic. I didn't like being lost. This was my first "awake" fugue state.

Consciously I know I was taken places where I had no idea of the location. And consciously I knew I had driven to locations where I'd been hurt. I think I know what my next Forbidden Topic post will be.

Asleep at the Wheel is a singing group from at least 20 years ago. Such is how my brain jumps from thought to thought.

Footnote to video

2008-09-30T08:35:00.005-04:00

I just have to say it. The appearance is that the FBI is providing safe haven for pedophiles. Is that the message they want to be conveying?

How much is government entrenched in that world? We all have seen so many politicians under the spotlight for sexual proclivities. I recall the one Dateline where a state legislator was identified as a pedophile. We know it is at all levels of society to include our vast government.

I learned something very important about pedophiles. Most of us know that rape is not about sex; it's about power. The same is true for pedophiles. For them, it's about absolute power. It's as if the person is void of feelings unless he or she is completely dominating another. That explains the viciousness of their crimes with such intentionality. I haven't known a survivor of this abuse yet who didn't believe she would have died if her mind hadn't coped through DID.

While women are in the minority, they do represent a portion of the world of pedophiles. It has been my personal experience (through the shared history of others), that female pedophiles are just as deadly with emotional abuse as sexual abuse. Know there is no remorse in such people.

"Sociopath: a person, as a psychopathic personality, ...who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience." (Dictionary.com)

It seems that pedophile is beyond sociopath. I've been very troubled since assembling the video, because the FBI's lack of attention screamed out at me. Maybe one day very soon our collective voice can scream back at them. Not only to add that one column to their weekly police reports for "reported cult abuse", but also to back up the individual's report at the local level with documentation. This is where understanding and accepting DID as the manifestation of horrific abuse BEFORE AGE 6 is crucial. Interviewing someone with DID under current predator abuse by necessity must involve speaking to the dissociated states who know the abuse and other helpful facts such as names, locations, or partial descriptions.

The helpful truth will be in the patterns of reports and child alter drawings. That's not going to happen unless the community makes it safe to report. So much change. Pedophiles and their spokespeople have run the country for too long.

GraceNote Productions

2008-09-29T09:40:00.007-04:00

I can't say producing my Crusader Rabbit video was a labor of love. It was a labor of passion. And inspiration came from a new online friend whom I thank very much. For those of you who know me, feedback is welcome as well as suggestions for what to highlight in a future video. I loved having others' art to present. If you know survivors who are willing to share anonymously, please send it along.

I just had a weird thought jump into my head (which I guess is how I get most internal messages these days--mostly from inner wisdom). My "production" was about kiddie porn. The antidote for having been in kiddie porn? It was very intense yesterday. Sarah McLachlan's song was "it" and I knew I would incorporate mostly images I acquired for the blog as well as survivor art. Beginning at 7 am yesterday, I worked pretty much straight through until 3:30 am when it was uploading to YouTube. When I woke up, a really scary collage was the selected image. eeks! Maybe...just maybe, it will be viewed by someone who can do something in the law enforcement arena.

Lately I've realized how intense and driven I get on this topic. It's what it feels like post healing when someone moves "out front", "takes the driver's seat", whatever term you use. I can't say I don't have moments when I suddenly sound like "not me", but, for the most part, I'm integrated. In my case, several highly functioning adults integrated into the outside world with me. That may not make sense to anyone else. I've not seen it in the literature and no one else I know has had a similar experience. The adults are strong and healed. Am guessing "Crusader Rabbit" identifies the adult with the drive for advocacy. I'm very aware now of the subtle shift into great intensity. It does make it important that I balance that with fun.

A commenter yesterday asked that I share more about integration. I won't be addressing that till later in Forbidden Topic but will share as appropriate (or as thoughts fly into my head) here. Through the majority of my healing I could go inside. Possibly I preferred being inside. I could have a dialog with any protector at any moment. Sometimes it seemed that they had some kind of guard duty schedule. lol. Now, what I believe to be permanent aspects of my inner wisdom are basically all who is readily there although I have very little dialog. Sometimes I miss that.

At times of great distress--and there were so many this past year with my medical nightmare--I can count on encouragement, support, and guidance to get me through. I remain and always will be in awe of that internal power. I believe each of us has it. Many of my therapy clients were able to tap into that aspect of themselves (regardless of diagnosis or issue) and it was life changing for those who were able to do that. I guess we (the survivors) could view that as an advantage since our inner wisdoms kicked in likely when we were preverbal or barely talking.

Life is calmer, quieter, less PTSD, fewer triggers, and dramatically less fear. I am blessed to have my first completely conscious relationship in my life with a wonderfully supportive person. Even with that, at times I still get that "I'm just tired, I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up" message. It's been there since high school. I know I need to shift into intensified self care mode when I hear that.

Today is a good day. I'm sleepy but not depressed. I'm happy the video is out there. Feel free to pass it on.

Every child deserves a chance

2008-09-27T15:12:00.007-04:00

Good news today. Legislation has passed in New York to treat minors used for sexual exploitation as victims rather than prosecute them as offenders. This is certainly a step in the right direction. I would hope other states quickly follow suit. From my perspective, legislation needs to go that one step further to provide the same services to adult survivors of child exploitation who, through no fault of their own, don't remember until later in life. Assistance provided by this Safe Harbor Act includes counseling, emergency services and long term housing solutions.

I read something yesterday that made me think how the situation would be different if the nation went after pedophilia at its source of gathering. The issue was why pedophiles were not being given appropriate help to heal from their own child abuse. Without delving into the research, I believe it has been proven that, by the time the individual reaches a certain age, it's too late. It's true that pedophiles do train boys to become pedophiles. But if those boys were rescued and provided with resources for long-term therapy and safety, imagine the impact that could have for the boys who were saved as well as the nation. Getting help for young boys "in training" would reduce the pedophile population for the future.

I recall one of Katie's disclosures. Typically it was "older boys" or the "bad men" who came in groups. One day she told me a little boy was with them. She didn't know numbers but knew the boy was older than her. He could write and count. For some reason, the perps left the young boy with her for several hours while they went off to heaven only knows what destruction. She relayed that the little boy said he didn't like being with the men. In fact he helped her by hiding the "little phone" (the cell phone) so it would not be taken from her when they returned. That little boy told Katie. Even if the adult part of her was able to hear (co-consciousness) of the child's plea, her report to authorities would have been dismissed. Knowing about it and having no resources to report feels very helpless.

If I become aware of a child's abuse, I am compelled to report to Children & Youth within 24 hours. Since I had already been rebuffed by law enforcement several times and knew how they treated both Katie and my other client, I had no resources. In Tyler's case, he reported his toddler brother was also being hurt by bio mom and her boyfriend as well as the boyfriend's teenage son. I can only hope that Tyler's stepbrother was rescued from that situation. Tyler was terrified of the toddler, viewing him also as someone who hurt him. My mind has only one concept of what might have been done to cause that to happen, but just is no telling. Maybe one day Tyler will have the vocabulary to tell.

In my memories, my younger sister's mere appearance in a dream caused me to wake up screaming in terror. It took several years to fully process what that meant. The answer I got was that I had been told repeatedly that she could kill me if she were told. That made sense because she was so aggressive as a child. She would fight at the least provocation with fingernails digging, biting, hair pulling. My older sister and I were nonviolent and tried to protect ourselves from her. Of course any complaining we did to our parents about the little sister being so mean led to scolding or worse because we were older and were supposed to know better or set an example. It wasn't until we were all adults that we could get along together. You can see how subconsciously I would avoid my sister for any type of affectionate bond.

No matter what I remembered, it made perfect sense in the spectrum of my conscious life. It was self-validating. Those who would ask, "Where's the proof", I would answer "in the healing". I was lucky. I didn't have to wait for ten misdiagnoses before I knew I had DID. I found a good therapist within two years. I did heal. I've been at home for a year recuperating from a medical disaster learning I was the therapist other psychiatrists and doctors were referring their dissociative patients to. There is such a shortage of trained therapists. It's not fair. I know that life is not fair. But this whole issue of survivors having to go through hurdle after hurdle, fighting to heal, is so not fair.

Thy will be done

2008-09-26T12:43:00.007-04:00

In 1994, I watched Stephen King's The Stand, a television mini-series. It was the first time in my life (I was 42 at the time) that I understood the phrase "Thy will be done". I said it as part of a prayer but thought it was an incomplete phrase. What will be done? I didn't get it. It was an OMG moment when I realized it referred to MY WILL--my choices, my decisions, my will. My memories didn't surface until several years later so it had no greater meaning at the time. In reflection, I could see I was clueless about what my will was. It was a document for after I died. Obviously, having no concept of personal choice was a huge message I held subconsciously.

"Will" went with sheep to me in my artwork. After many images I realized I was the lamb following the will of someone else. In my internal system, Will was a person who was very tortured. In fact, many concepts of human identity were made to be literal. People often laughed at my responses to statements because of my genuine confusion. Soul went with a shoe and was walked all over. Heart was something that they took out if you told. Commitment is what happened if you told (committed to an asylum). Needless to say I was pretty effed up subconsciously. Metaphor was literal and concept was made reality.

In the later years of my healing before I fully understood the message of concepts as being made into something concrete to cause confusion, I surrounded myself with Philosophy products. If you aren't familiar with that line of beauty products, just search them on the internet or go to Philosophy.com. I had products called Hope in a Jar, When Hope is Not Enough, Grace (a perfume), Eye Believe, and Soul Owner. Philosophy products have wonderful inspirational writings on them. It was a neat discovery to my healing. I was subconsciously changing my internal messages by surrounding myself with concrete examples of my humanity.

What I know for certain about the religious aspect of the abuse is my still ongoing confusion between the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene. My best friend is Catholic and helped me through what I knew versus the Catholic teaching. I was consciously raised another religion. I did things that were Catholic but backwards or skewed. I don't know why that backwardness is so set into my mind to this day. When The DaVinci Code came out, I was, "See! It IS Mary Magdalene!"

As part of my healing, I embraced concepts of Native American Indians with some Buddha and Zen. I created my own rituals. One day I took my newly purchased white sage and decided to smudge the house. I had a special bowl to burn the sage. I walked through the house circling my hand around and over the smoke to waft it over me and over special areas of the home. That was fine except a young child part of me joined with me and began to say, "Hail Mary full of Grace". Grace was a person, not the lovely meaning it has now. I called my friend and told her what I was doing. She said her mother used to bless her house each year by burning frankincense and myrhh while reciting the "hail Mary". How did I know that? It was a lovely memory for my friend. Undoing religious confusion remains ongoing.

Grace is a name I took on as my own in the final stages of healing as I prepared for graduation with my counseling degree. I wanted my newly chosen name of healing on my diploma. I took ownership of my Grace...and my soul and my hope and my will. My will be done. My choices now. I choose to fight this battle against the world of evil. In doing so, I believe Thy will be done.

A dilemma of the underworld variety

2008-09-23T22:09:00.007-04:00

I’m not able to convey Katie’s story at this time but I can relay my story. What happened…is still happening…to Katie is an example of how insidious organized pedophilia is and how unbelievable it sounds. It is because of Katie that I have the full picture of the vastness, invisibility, and community denial of the existence of sophisticated pedophiles. They are like wolves and travel in packs. Rarely had Katie recalled only one perp. My other client had her evil “posse” harassing her in the outside world and the same group of people entering her home to hurt her who were part of the group in the robes. She knew they were all the same people. Katie has the intensity and frequency of abuse without the masked charade.

I don’t understand the frequency. It’s relentless. All survivors I have known of intentional DID have memories that make us all question how it happened. In trying to advocate for Katie with police and another organization to help women, my explaining that Katie was being “hurt” in her home and other locations was dismissed as her lying to me for attention. No one took my reports seriously. Don't you think, as a therapist, I would have some sense if someone was lying to me? The belief that DID can be faked is so far fetched. When you see it on television, remember the actors are acting. They know what to say and do and there are retakes if they get it wrong--to make the audience believe DID is an "easy deception". Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I recall in my healing having a moment when I thought it would have been impossible to have been abused as much as I was recalling. My own unbelievability factor surfaced many times. Of course survivors question what comes up too. It's why those who don't want the world to figure out try at all costs to prevent survivors from speaking to each other...much the same way siblings are manipulated to not get along in an incestuous environment. What is known is that organized pedophiles do everything to extreme to maintain their unbelievability quotient. Since I had two survivors with such similar circumstances but different groups (communities not far from each other), each telling me a frequency of abuse of at least several times a week, it was more of a validation of what I knew from my own memories and those of every other survivor born into a family of see, hear, speak no evil.

My own family has no recollection when I was gone for weeks at a time as proven in school records. The perp message is “remember to forget”. I still don’t notice if someone or something is missing. I don’t see who or what is not there. I literally forget my friends if I don’t see an email from them every few days. I’ll eventually remember. I call it “falling off my radar”.

Pedophiles have perfect set ups, especially if there are small (or not so small) groups of families known to be part of the underground where a victim “chooses” to live. It’s the only explanation for no one reporting the constant barrage to home and body. There are other options available to pedophiles though, particularly when the former child has a driver's license and access to a car. To be continued.

Is there a nice word for a pedophile?

2008-09-21T19:02:00.004-04:00

I think it was the beginning of Friday's Oprah when she commented on the huge response to her plea for viewers to contact their state senators to pass the Protect the Children legislation before the Senate. She also indicated she had received the most vile email ever from predators. They don't like it when their world is messed with. Oprah can make people take action. And she can afford the security that goes with threatening a nation of pedophiles.

While she reinforced some of the themes I've tried to convey, she missed the mark again. I thought she almost had it. She indicated how "systematic" they were and how organized they were. She relayed how they use the internet to exchange secrets of how to lure children. (Really? I wouldn't have expected that...) Then, when she could have shifted to how pedophiles were in existence long before the internet and built their bases "underground" and invisibly, she returned to how important it was to crack down on the internet predators who trade the kiddie porn.

OMG. It's not just kiddie porn! So much more is being done with children than trading their pictures on the internet. Can you say "child exploitation"? Why not go after the level where the CHILDREN ARE. I'm frustrated. Can you tell?

I already wrote to Oprah and John Walsh. Maybe if you do too, someone with clout will pay attention. The big question, "Pedophiles know dissociation. Do you?"

One more vent and that's it for today. It's tough letting one's mind be down in the gutter in that horrid place. The word "pedophile" is offensive to many. That is why "predator" is more accepted. Guess what, people? It is ugly. There is nothing delicate or easy about it. We, as a nation, need to take our heads out of the sand and see this ugly world our children are subjected to. We have to wrap our heads around it, for lack of a better term, to understand how to best protect the children from it and how law enforcement can best strategize to pursue and obliterate it.

It is going to take an army. But I do believe it can be done community by community if the people scream loudly enough for proper education, funding, and action.

Unbelievable resources

2008-09-21T00:56:00.008-04:00

I don't remember my own followers or enforcers or whatever the bad guys are called who hang around your life once leaving childhood and/or the home of a parent pedophile. I know it happens. I just didn't know to what degree. As a therapist, I witnessed several people constantly harass, frighten, and trigger my first client who knew she was tied to organized pedophiles who hid behind the devil worship scenario. She told me often that she had seen certain people follow her and/or be visible as a threat when she arrived at my office. I began to walk out with her following her appointment and the people she had described were indeed there.
I became familiar with several vehicles, drivers, bicycle man, and one or two who happened to always be strolling right past the steps to the practice at the time the door opened for her to exit. It was alarming how their timing always coincided even when her appointment time or date changed. In trying to report the stalking tactic to local police, I was told, unless someone actually hurt her, nothing could be done. Of course, reporting "cult" activity was useless. It was known among therapists in the area that certain towns and communities were known for supporting (or not deterring) such activities, police included. It only takes one police officer in a small community department to make it miserable for those trying to report.

Because I had tried to gain more protection for her, and because I was helping her undo some of the messages keeping her stuck from healing, I became a target. I guess the theory is that hopefully either the therapist or victim/survivor will be too frightened to continue. Bike man would dart out into traffic from between cars where he couldn't possibly see me at precisely the moment my car was next. That can only happen if a second person is involved and knows exactly where I am and informs bike man. It didn't matter how late I worked, that bike whizzed right past me as I came down the steps outside. Who was watching my office for the light to go out? And where were they watching from?

I went to a law enforcement gear store and purchased mace. The store was staffed by off duty police officers. One showed me the correct way to use the mace and helped me understand my rights. I could only use the mace if I felt threatened. As much as I wanted to spray bikeman as he passed by, that wasn't allowed. I had pictures of several of the victim's perps and automobiles. That continued until last year when I had to stop work for medical reasons.

A year after beginning work with the first actively abused client, I began to work with a second woman newly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and referred to me. At the time we began our work, neither of us knew she was still actively being assaulted by a group of "older boys" and a few "men" who seemed to lead the group. I again witnessed the car described by a child alter following her as well as other vehicles over the course of our work. My name was used to threaten the child part--they would kill me if she kept on seeing me. I became aware of her perps following me and cutting me off on several occasions--not as predictably as my other client. When activity heated up, I carried a camera in my car. I have photos of the red Silverado 4x4 that harassed me on my way to spontaneously run an errand (coincidentally when my SO was out of town for the weekend).

My thinking was that I could have been wrong about the red truck. Maybe it was just an idiot driver. I would know on my return trip because "they" would get back on my trail at about the place they got off my trail. Having had that experience, I was afraid to stop and get gas even though I was completely on empty. My camera was ready. I passed the shopping mall parking lot where the man in the red hat turned off. He pulled out in front of me at the first major intersection after the mall. He stayed ahead of me until I was turning down my street from the last major road. He turned the other way. I clearly saw the same person both times. And I had gotten photos of the truck and license plates.

When I looked at the photos, my program was able to view the license plates clearly. Knowing they used stolen/lost license plates, I wanted to have the picture for both directions. I was surprised (and not surprised) to see it was two different red Silverado 4x4s. One was an older version. If the day ever comes where someone is interested in catching these thugs, I would bet both license plates lead nowhere. The change of vehicle means at least one other person was involved. And who knew I was leaving my home where I live in a garaged townhome? Who knew my SO was away?

Two different survivors of abuse from different groups of pedophiles. Each had at least four identifiable perps on a regular basis harassing or stalking them or me. It is not okay to heal. It is unfathomable to realize the "manpower" is so great that there might be multiple (no pun intended) perps assigned to one healing survivor to keep her from seeking help. That is astronomical resources if that is "typical".

It became known over the course of my work with one person that known perps lived nearby. For one it was in the same apartment complex. She was able to recognize certain perps as the same ones in the horror ceremonies. My other client actually moved from one home where she had been abused in a dissociative state for more than ten years. Within several weeks of moving to her new apartment, they were inside that dwelling with no neighbors reporting anything suspicious. How can this happen? Are there pedophile communities where victims think they are consciously choosing to live?

Initially I believed all of my abuse happened either at the hands of my father growing up to the time I broke free when I was in my late teens. Consciously I just knew I hated him and wanted to get away. He used numerous tactics that caused me to remain in the same home. It sickens me to think of the guilt I endured believing it would "kill my mother" if I moved out on my own. In any event, it was later in my healing that I began to recall abuse since moving to the area where I still live. My parents moved far away thirty years ago. The first person to come up as a perp in my local life (and adult life) was a much loved next door neighbor from my high school years. His family and our family were close friends even after we moved into another neighborhood. I stayed in touch after my parents moved away. Eventually I severed ties with anyone from my past realizing I just had no way of knowing who was a good guy or a bad guy.

During a session with one of the currently-abused individuals, she blurted out the name of my former neighbor as one of her abusers. Talk about a conflict of interest. She transitioned to working with another therapist. That validation was so stunning and unexpected. I babysat for that family. I was in his home so many times. He referred me to the company and provided a reference for my first employment out of high school--the company where he worked. Doesn't that just bring up all kinds of other questions?

This is a small area compared to many cities in the U.S. Survivors are in every community. The more absurd it sounds, remember that's the way it was meant to sound. If I'm sounding beyond belief, gotcha.

FBI needs to open its eyes

2008-09-19T11:34:00.010-04:00

I recall (consciously) about 10 years ago reading that the FBI had data on child deaths, missing reports, and abuse reports from all or many police departments. No column was allocated for reports of cult abuse. No one was tracking. If they had, they would have realized it was a national issue. Maybe they knew it would be too high and they'd have to dedicate resources to it which they didn't have. Who knows.

When writing yesterday's Forbidden Topic post, which IS the big jaw dropping, OMG picture of where organized pedophiles conduct the majority of their crimes, I went to see what the FBI's stance now, a decade later. The FBI website has a page dedicated to Crimes Against Children. Cults are not mentioned. Other information was found documenting the FBI's position that there is no evidence to support the existence of "satanic cults". One report purportedly from the FBI on another website did outline strategies for dealing with the new religious movements (i.e. Heaven's Gate, Waco). That means, organized pedophile is not activity being monitored nationally.

If that's the national perspective, how the heck is law enforcement going to effectively penetrate the crime of organized pedophilia? It raises a question about government culpability. Maybe Michael Moore will take this on as his next project.

According to the FBI's statistics, in 2007 there were 643,744 persons missing under age 18. Total missing persons in 1990 was 1.4 million while in 2007 the number had jumped to
2.2 million (not classified by age groups).

So here it is in a nutshell...
Organized pedophilia hides behind the guise of cults (demonic or otherwise).

The FBI does not acknowledge the existence of such cults.

No matter how much money is thrown at law enforcement to dedicate to go after pedophiles, they won't be getting to the strategic hubs where the children are being systematically abused IN GROUPS because they don't exist to our government.

Is somebody out there outraged at this as much as me? Someone whose voice will make a difference? How about all caring parents coming together to demand the nation wake up to this problem? Children are being hurt in unimaginable ways because our views have been shaped by those doing the abuse at all levels of society including government. Pedophiles aren't a small segment of society. They have woven their webs into every fabric of society. More is needed than getting rid of the internet pedophiles. The internet is used for trading what is produced in volume by the organizations pretending to be something no one believes.

You are encouraged to do your own research on the FBI and views on cult abuse (labeled ritual abuse). The FBI denial goes back to the 90s when Kenneth Lanning, an FBI agent, was the child abuse "expert". He apparently wrote his opinion informing law enforcement cult abuse was a myth. If you look at the stripped down reality of one survivor's memory of horror in yesterday's Forbidden Topic post, you can see why the cults are invisible. It's "just people".

No one is going to find the demons unless they know where the pedophiles in costumes gather for their no-one-word-is-evil-enough-to-describe activities. If you watched Oprah's show on Monday, you saw how invisible the next door neighbor and good family friend was entrusted with others' children without hesitation. That's how invisible the organized pedophiles are--unless you listen to the survivors.

Also consider that adult survivors remembering abuse are remembering from several decades ago. Possibly "their" perps are no longer on this earth, but this is one skill guaranteed to be multi-generational. Going to look where a "group meeting" had been held 20-40 years after the fact produces nothing. Interviewing survivors of the area, it is likely several locations will be identified. Law enforcement has to come down on these groups where they met AS they meet. The most current information would be an older child in therapy who is getting the correct help and is SAFE.

Since a child being abused by organized pedophiles is likely to have a parent who is one of the pedophiles, that safety factor is extremely rare. Maybe one day a pedophile at the top of the heap will talk. But that will only identify a local or possibly several group hubs. It won't touch the number of groups in this country.

Where is the John Walsh for this cause?

Major depression to the nth degree

2008-09-18T11:17:00.005-04:00

*Trigger warning*
While it goes without saying, I'm going to say it anyway. Children of abuse are very sad children. Survivors, when asked when they first remember being depressed, will generally recall a specific time during or before high school when they first thought of wanting to die. My personal message since high school was "I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up." Passive suicidal thoughts.

Children of abuse at the hands of sophisticated and/or organized pedophiles have a very confusing world. Consciously they know holidays and birthdays are supposed to be times of fun and joy. Subconsciously such dates have horrendous meaning to include intentional messages of death, "forced suicide", worthlessness, and inability to be loved...somehow through their own fault. A child with DID lives in a world of constantly conflicting extremes.

"Forced suicide" is when a dissociated self is trained in a specific way to commit suicide. There's a most devious strategy for this. If something goes awry and the child begins to remember prematurely or any other undesired result, perps can cue an "age appropriate" suicide. Let me explain. Much to my horror, I found a very young little (maybe 3 years old) who was supposed to drink a bottle of bleach if told to do so. Another older self believed bleach was some magic elixir of the gods. Throughout my healing I uncovered and fortunately healed an untold number of parts who outlived the method of age-appropriate suicide. I had always hated to do laundry. When I was married, I avoided the laundry room in my home (or anywhere else) at all costs. After discovering the terrified little and her bleach message, that fear made perfect sense to me. The bleach was in the laundry room. When she healed, I could do laundry again. I still avoid actually using the bleach though. Thank goodness for that bleach for colors. It's blue :-)

I think I strayed from the point. Organized perps don't have to get their hands dirty if someone needs to be eliminated. They rely on the suicide alters to do their job. Processing so many selves recalling an urge to suicide by different methods is exhausting. I hate to say it becomes "same old, same old" by the time you get through a certain number of healings of such sad and frightened parts, but it sort of does. Some adult selves had very strong urges to self-destruct which was tricky to say the least...not to mention terrifying to me that they might actually take over my consciousness and that's the last I'd ever know. Obviously that didn't happen, but it is a concern during the process.

Of course there are huge messages to self destruct when memories surface and some new suicide messages are tied to specific memories as the healing continues. It makes me wonder how many *suicides* were dissociated selves successful in carrying out the mission of the perps. That became a helpful message. Parts trained to suicide were generally extremely relieved to hear they no longer needed to hold onto that job.

"Major Depressive Disorder" is one of the diagnoses that goes with anyone who has DID. IMO there needs to be a higher degree than "Major" for the level survivors of organized pedophilia endure. While healing the sad insiders, depression becomes more tolerable. But even after achieving a level of high functioning to move on with one's life, trauma continues to process in the background impacting conscious mood. I was able to live without antidepressants into my early 50s--mostly because I couldn't tolerate any of the antidepressants available. For an unknown conscious reason, my depression shifted into high gear a year into my working as a therapist. Thank heavens for Cymbalta.

Blooming Lotus has a post today about "holidays" when perps held their gatherings each year. It reminded me how my mood fell drastically yesterday. It's a few days before the first day of Autumn. That means an equinox. Full moons. Birthdays. Halloween. All the dates on the scary calendar that organized pedophiles use for their frequent group gatherings. Yes, the calendar looks horrific and unbelievable. Clue...clue...clue. I hate Halloween. I'm okay now seeing the lit pumpkins and kids in costumes and almost okay seeing the aisle of masks and spooky stuff in stores. But nothing helps whatever is going on in my subconscious remembering the horror...the excuse called Halloween for monstrous harm to young children.

Isn't it wonderful strolling down memory lane as a survivor???! The good news is, as survivors come out of that land of woundedness, there is an evolution into a life of new memories and making new traditions and safe holidays. And realizing that sad is not the "default" mood one should feel.

Crusader Rabbit

2008-09-17T19:39:00.003-04:00

I found this at the ToonTracks website...for those with not as much trivia in their minds. Ha! With all the stuff I can't remember, I retained the weirdest information.

Crusader Rabbit on the warpath

2008-09-16T10:35:00.004-04:00

Since watching Oprah yesterday, I was up several times with what seemed to be a continuous nightmare, recalling slumber parties when I was a teen at the home of my best friend. My memories tell me she was also victim. Her father and my father were friends. Our families were friends. Did more happen at those slumber parties? I don't know. But it sure kept coming up in my very unsettling dreams. Family members wandered through all nightmares. Just their presence in creates anxiety.

I woke up angry this morning. I mean fighting mad. Yesterday I made the effort to support legislation for more resources to go after pedophiles. How can we go after pedophiles with a vengeance while leaving the survivors of their despicable abuse in the dust? The injustice is palpable in my body. I'm turning into Crusader Rabbit as I type.

Here is our list of demands:

We need health insurance coverage for long-term therapy.
We need psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists to have incentives to treat survivors of long-term childhood trauma instead of withdrawing in fear of FMSF lawsuits.
We need the country to return to having sufficient facilities to treat adult survivors whose needs are beyond that of the outpatient therapist level, i.e. Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore, MD.
We need law enforcement and hospitals and social services and other helping agencies of the community to be educated with correct knowledge about DID so they can work respectfully and willingly with survivors.

Who is more qualified to help the newly funded law enforcement understand the entirety of the pedophile mindset than adult survivors who have healed to the point where the helping is empowering and life transforming? We are a vast resource of information but no one has bothered to ask and offers of sharing have been rebuffed...nationally.

We're here. We're healing. We're asking for national resources to heal from the devastation of abuse by pedophiles as much as we are offering our knowledge. And most of all, we want not to be kept in a closet. We survived ugly ugly abuse. I'm sorry if the world prefers not to know of such things. But we live in this world too. We are the adult survivors of organized pedophilia.

Today's Oprah Show on Pedophiles

2008-09-15T17:18:00.004-04:00

I rushed home from physical therapy today to watch Oprah's show on pedophiles. Important points were made, especially that most abuse takes place in the home or by someone with frequent access to the child. A new law and additional funds for law enforcement will help. But it still misses the mark.

What good is it if pedophiles at the top of the pile are put in jail while survivors of their abuse are maligned members of society and the nation refuses to see the greater truth? Organized pedophiles are like bee hives. You have to track down the "queen bee" and the hive at one of their gatherings for sharing their love of hurting children. But that's not going to happen because we all know there are no such thing as cults. As long as we believe that, the world is swatting at the worker bees.

It's going to take a leader to get people to think differently--a spokesperson. I'm "just" a survivor of that horrific world and a therapist who has worked with survivors to help them heal. I have the big picture and a few blogs. All each of us can do is keep trying to get the truth out there.

One of the last statements on today's show was how we don't understand the pedophile mindset to inflict such harm. The survivors have the answers. And the nation has been trained well to completely dismiss their insight.

One person can't go after this. Yes, we need dedicated resources to attack it. Yes, we need funding for the resources. But we also need to understand the pedophile mindset to effectively make pedophilia a target. It lives in the cults. Which don't exist (?) Do you trust your children in a community where no one is listening to where the pedophiles gather?

You saw today how one pedophile (without the help from others except through internet knowledge) could drug an entire group of girls at a slumber party and videotape them for the porn "community". What do you think they are capable of doing in a group?

Please visit Oprah's website to support the Protect Our Children Act, legislation about to come up for a vote to better arm the nation to go after pedophiles. Do it soon and demand the legislature not leave for their break until it is passed.

Maybe this other knowledge will find its way to the "new guard" in time to be included in their overall strategy to go after pedophiles.

The big D

2008-09-14T16:53:00.005-04:00

This blog is my safe place, more or less, to discuss and process what's on my mind after writing posts so entrenched in the pedophile mindset. Mostly I feel angry after posting about how children are spun around to cause disorientation. Why is that even questioned? We all know that anything to extreme is not good. When we play with children, they often enjoy being spun in circles. Think pedophile. Start off being a nice guy playing a game with the child. And then take it to the extreme. That's pretty much the basis of the mindset of inducing a dissociative state. And remember that they WANT the dissociative state so the child won't remember the evil perpetrated on him or her.

It's a sad reality that boys typically respond differently growing up with abuse, consciously or subconsciously, known or unknown. I've had the privilege of working with several men who weren't in the majority. Possibly it also depends on the sex of the abuser. If the main abuser was mom (and moms can be part of organized pedophilia too), it may provoke a different behavior response than an adult male in that child's life. I'm sure statistics are available but, at the moment, I'm not in research mode. Boys born or drafted into a world of abuse are usually taught how to be pedophiles. Girls are typically taught to submit to any pressure for sexual activity. Children tell by acting out. No child is born knowing how to sexually abuse another child.

There's an aspect of growing up dissociative I did not realize was so prevalent until I was a therapist working with survivors. Pedophiles can tell if a child is dissociative. I don't know how. Maybe we have an invisible D on our foreheads. It's rarely just a parent or single caretaker who was the abuser. It's a father and an uncle; or an uncle and the man down the street; or several brothers, a father and an uncle. Children who were a part of organized pedophilia seem to remember "parties" and auctions (children sold to the highest bidder for whatever perverted inclination the "buyer" has). I posted the link to a court case below. The pedophile charged confessed to placing an internet ad to trade a toddler for an older child.

Just imagine what it does to an adult survivor's sense of worth when memories of having been abused by many comes up...or being sold or traded. Such survivors have usually been in many unsuccessful relationships, have been predominantly promiscuous or anti-sex (or both when dissociative states are created), and they have no understanding of why they can't find the right person until they realize their subconscious world holds terror of men and so much horrific treatment.

I sure hope my blogs are getting people to talk about this. It has to come out of the closet and be examined. It's worth it even if I do have mild panic attacks after each post.

First sense of calm

2008-09-13T21:16:00.011-04:00

I have been intensely engaged in the topic of pedophilia and wanted to pause and share two images from two different survivors. Most therapists working with DID help to ground the client in "safe place" imagery. This is not such an easy task since most survivors don't grasp the concept of "safe" yet in their lives. Those who can establish a secure internal safe place for healing tend to do better initially in my experience.

One drawing shows the survivor at a young age safely hugging one of her littles (young dissociated self). She explained how she was starved as a child for good touches and how good it was just to be able to hug her littles safely. The other drawing reflects an internal safe room where a protector is holding two littles while one hugs his arm.

No two survivors will visualize the same safe place. It is entirely a matter of individual needs and choices. The therapist's job is simply to guide the client to visualize (with all senses) a place where all parts of the self can gather to heal when it is time for each to heal. Personally, I find both to be very soothing and calming images. It's a good start in what begins as a feeling of complete internal chaos.

Backlash of "Telling"

2008-09-12T13:21:00.009-04:00

As a survivor of years of abuse at the hands of organized pedophiles, I have instilled into my being--likely scarred into my being--the message it is not okay to tell. As a therapist who helped trauma survivors, I heard the same messages over and over again. Survivors used the same expressions to describe experiences. It was uncanny. Pedophiles do operate from the same "handbook".

With every aspect of my healing, I had to deal with "do not tell" threats and fear. When memories first begin to emerge, the fear is barely tolerable, it's so overwhelming. All the deeply instilled messages come up: Don't tell or you will die. Don't tell or we will kill everyone you love. If you tell, no one will believe you. If you tell, they will lock you up forever. We are watching your every move and know when you tell. So you can see going to see a therapist becomes a terrifying decision.

Setting up my websites and blogs to "tell" has triggered some residual horror. Consciously I know it is good telling. The world needs to know. Have others figured this out before? If so, I haven't seen it. Having come from that world full circle to helping others out of that world, I have my own insight plus knowledge from clients that connected my own dots. I have the unabashed truth. The most protected groups of organized pedophilia are the cults who appear to "worship Satan". The pedophile view is that they have created memories so horrific, the survivor, in remembering, will never get to the underlying level of messages that it was about perverted people hurting children in the most vile of ways.

And now the nation has been embroiled in an argument about whether ritual abuse or satanic cults exist and not getting to the underlying truth that it is about organized pedophiles ensuring their victims never tell or will never be believed. That's a huge "telling". I find it ironic that they did to the nation's mindset what they do to a child's mindset--keep everyone stuck at the unbelievable and unimaginable. "People don't DO that to children!" Well, pedophiles do.

Even though I am substantially healed, as I move through the rest of my life, I encounter new situations when it becomes apparent that something hasn't healed yet because it becomes "triggered". A trigger is anything in the environment that connects to a subconscious fear. Of course, once a person begins to identify their triggers, they are no longer subconscious. Even though known, it may take years to extinguish a trigger. Some of mine have extinguished. Some are controlled. And some still get that lovely startle scream. But the "do not tell" message, for me, has come up as body memories as much as internal messages of fear. The Body Remembers is a book I highly recommend to understand this aspect of healing abuse. The body has memory cells just as the brain does. Research has been released on this topic and is validated by several books and articles on the subject.

From the day I published Forbidden Topic, my body responded with several signs of remembered horror to include insect bites while confined in a small space and inability to move or scream to stop the pain of rising blisters in extremely painful and hidden areas of my body from cigarette burns. I had not realized the message that went with those memories was not to tell until now. Several messages usually accompany that level of especially "demonic" abuse. I don't know if my body will ever be able to stop showing me. It could be a self punishment my body was conditioned to perpetrate on me--if you tell, you'll be burned with cigarettes in the most painful areas.

Do I remember that being done to me? No. Do I believe it was done to me? Yes. Does it matter if anyone else believes it was done to me? No. Is it important for me to know so I can heal? Yes. But it is important for society to believe that organized pedophiles abuse in unimaginable ways. They can and do inflict horror for the purpose of trauma for the purpose of creating and reinforcing dissociative states to allow their activities to go on for years. I was recently made aware of a court decision outlining some of a sadistic pedophile's activities. This may be triggering to survivors. It is proof of the incomprehensible to a child.

Wake up, America. Hear me roar. Hear that children everywhere are prey, especially babies and youngsters before the age of six. Tyler, my client whom I worked with when he was 5-6 years old, remembered it all. I don't know how he didn't dissociate. Not dissociating (which is not the child's choice) allowed him to be believed. The same horrors that happened to him happen to those who have dissociated. Yet we choose to ignore their pleas for help? Think about it. Also think about the statistic that of children who die from abuse, the most deaths are for children under 5. Dissociation IS a survival skill.

Protecting the children bashed by McCain

2008-09-12T13:16:00.001-04:00

According to the online Wall Street Journal blog of 9/9/08: Obama supported an Illinois state senate bill allowing for "age-appropriate" sex education for K-12 instruction. The intent of the bill was to protect young children from sexual predators. A McCain ad characterized Obama as someone who supported teaching kindergartners about sex before learning to read.

As long as politicians twist the well intentioned to help our young children be safe for political advantage, our nation's children who are prey to child predators everywhere at anytime will be more vulnerable to molestation, abduction, and worse.

It makes me wonder how prevalent the sickness of violating a child runs through our government. Oh...right. Politicians never have perverse sexual interests... Why is legislation for obliterating organized pedophilia not a non-partisan priority. When attention is taken away from the legislation, I have to ask, to what end? How many in government don't want the children protected?

A large segment of adult survivors whose amnesia "broke" later in life recalled military bases as well as politicians. We all know the military has no pedophiles so survivors must be lying, right? Government and our armed forces are not exempt from pedophiles.

Barack Obama, please continue your efforts as president to pass legislation to both educate our young children and actively pursue organized pedophile rings at all levels of society.

Elizabeth Smart - Commentary after Oprah

2008-09-11T21:39:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I watched Oprah. She interviewed Elizabeth Smart who is moving on with her life. It is apparent she has not processed her past trauma and may be in denial. However, she is a child. She will be able to choose to enter therapy at some point in her life. I was appalled after the show when the majority of comments posted about the interview harshly criticized and blamed the victim for her own abduction.

Why didn't she scream? Why didn't she run away? Her parents should make her go to therapy. This is how we treat VICTIMS of abuse. The type of abuse endured by Elizabeth Smart is incomprehensible to anyone who has never been forced into the fight, flight, or freeze level of terror. The brain's survival mechanisms take over. Rational thinking may not be accessible. None of know she wouldn't have been killed if she had screamed. Her abuser threatened her with her own death and the death of her parents if she screamed.

If someone criticizing has never had a gun held to their head or a knife held to their throat or been in a situation where you believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person in control would take your life, then there is no right to criticize.

The young woman grew up in a loving family and was returned to a loving family. Some commenters pointed to the family's religion for preventing Elizabeth from getting therapy. Who are we to criticize her religious upbringing? Elizabeth stated it was her devotion to family and religion that got her through her time in captivity.

Returning to the world after being captive and constantly in fear for your life is a dramatic transition. It appeared to me that Elizabeth Smart did very well. She is moving on and appears secure and happy. It is highly likely she will need therapy to have healthy future intimate relationships at the very least.

We should applaud her bravery. Why does this nation insist on oppressing the victim? It tells me that even if everyone had access and was able to learn about dissociation, there are still those who would think somehow a young child was at fault for his or her own abuse. This kind of thinking is so beyond my realm of reasoning. I have to believe the good guys out there want to know the truth and would be outraged if they fully understand the ramifications of what I present in these blogs.

The child is never to blame for his or her own abuse. Never. It is the overpowering adult figure making the choice. What a sad commentary on our nation.

The need to change

2008-09-11T19:15:00.000-04:00

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."- Maya Angelou

This network of blogs grew out of a passion (rage actually) to educate wherever possible about organized pedophilia. The nation has bought the propaganda and those behind the propaganda are wreaking devastation for children brave enough to tell and for adults who didn't know as children but remember later in life.

As a therapist, I had few options for clients with DID. If the client had good insurance, she might be admitted to one of the country's finest facilities for stabilizing survivors with DID. Since quite a few in the early stages of DID are unable to sustain employment, Medicare (or whatever it's called) doesn't cover an out-of-state facility. The choice is a hospital where DID is not acknowledged--or worse, treated as insane. Not only is it not acknowledged, I have witnessed cruel remarks being made to clients and insensitive hospital personnel and law enforcement violating confidentiality while making cruel remarks outside a client's room. I am not alone with this experience. Therapists nationally struggle with lack of resources and lack of community understanding.

And the country is greatly lacking in therapists who treat DID due to the well-funded people behind the propaganda. They have targeted therapists for lawsuits forcing many to withdraw from treating survivors and have caused many of the country's treatment facilities for those with DID to close its doors in the past decade. Only a handful remain.

We need to change. We need to see the truth. We need to question what is being handed down as truth. We need to come together to fight against organized pedophilia. I'm aware of a number of good organizations going after the internet predators. But that is the top of the mountain. Pluck one and 20 more quickly fill the gap. Society needs to go after the pedophiles where they gather children for their perverse activities which will serve to both save the children and make multiple arrests at one time.

If any community is out there already doing this, please let me know. I would love to have a community to point to as a model. The first step to change is education about DID. I've tried to simplify the basics with the blog Forbidden Topic. The big picture of organized pedophilia is the focus of The Dirtiest Secret Behind Child Abuse. The clear recollections of children and child dissociated selves of adult survivors are presented at Believe the Children.

Step 1. Understand what it means to have become DID. The nation needs to understood that only children who have been repeatedly and/or systematically abused before the age of six are likely to have acquired the coping skill of severe dissociation. You wouldn't turn a six year old away trying to tell someone had *hurt* him or her, but our country routinely dismisses the those children who grow up to be adults unaware for decades of their abuse history because of the DID. It doesn't make any sense...except to child predators who want to ensure their nefarious activities continue to thrive.