Feb 21, 2011
If my birth was planned to have a child for the covert government program, whose child am I? Not anyone who claims me. Most of the world doesn't believe the government would have hurt or be hurting, raping, torturing children for "national security" reasons. The government has never taken care of me in a good way. And the people I thought were my parents cast me aside as soon as I began to remember.
I was raised by people training me to do their evil deeds who certainly never wanted me to remember them. In my "cover story" home, I did love my mother. But she left me alone with my abusive father who terrified me. I know in hindsight his job from the beginning was to maintain the terror that was needed in my government world to continue creating my dissociative structure.
I was passed from one "handler" to another and have no idea how many I've had in my lifetime. I am certain of two along with others who were primarily programming or training me, always to be covered over by an intentionally horrific and traumatizing memory in hopes I'd never reach the memories below telling me what was really happening in my life.
Because the purpose of my life was to be a controlled multiple, the majority of my life was outside of my conscious awareness. I lived a backwards life. No love, no nurturing, no free will. Cues and commands and codes...like a robot or machine.
So who am I? What am I? I'm healing from something few believe happened. I'm healing from a diagnosis that is swept under the rug by psychological and psychiatric communities, not to mention the universities, hospitals, and military and government entities complicit in the program.
After more than a decade of research and healing by processing surfacing memories combined with conscious knowledge, I think technology has replaced the need to create a population of mind-controlled adults beginning at birth with a lifetime of trauma at least for the purposes they had in mind. I do believe the underground world of pedophilia and child slavery use the intentional dissociation to create life long "slaves" which has become a huge nightmare worldwide.
The covert government (and obviously some overt government) have achieved their 1947 goal of creating a fear-based nation where war makes the money for the few and those few make the decisions for the rest of us. Are we that psycho-civilized society of Jose M. R. Delgado's "dreams"? Is it too late to turn back?
Are you really a citizen of a land of free will? I was not and do not believe I am now because I can see now. I am not dissociated to the rest of the world. I am nobody's child. I was not born. I was produced by the underbelly of our country for evil purposes. Much has been "born" from the premise of national security "for your protection".
Can a country willing to torture children from birth to create a society of Manchurian Candidates and beyond really have its citizen's best interests at heart? Until that underworld is eradicated, I can assure you thousands more will surface, predominantly children of military and government-related employees born from 1947 through the 60s.
I am Nobody's Child and everyone's nightmare. Who am I now in this non-dissociated life? If my purpose in life is not to tell the truth, I do not understand the universe.
Feb 8, 2011
I recently had an epiphany…sort of an epiphany…after several pieces of knowledge fell into place in the past few weeks. To help you understand why this is so important here is the initial problem:
My downstairs is the living room and the kitchen area. I had come to call the doorway into the kitchen the portal of lost memory. Up to about a year ago, if I didn’t carry a note with me saying what I wanted in the kitchen, the thought would be lost completely. But I usually ended up with the pantry door, refrigerator, or some cabinet open with me standing there wondering what I was looking for. Going back to the living room would remind me because I’d go to reach for something that wasn’t there. Hope you can follow this.
More recently, the same thing happens but I can retrace my thoughts to what I wanted rather than go back into the living. Here is why that is so pivotal to know.
I saw a video explanation of how neurons work in the brain provided to me by a friend. In the past, anything dealing with how the brain works was too triggering for me to watch. But I watched in fascination able to relate how a thought needs a path of neurons to act on it.
In a conversation with a friend who also has DID, I had wondered out loud why I can’t always get direct answers from inside…but sometimes I can. She replied that my inner guide has to use the same brain as me and I have big gaps in neurons so the message wouldn’t get through. Answers mostly come to me in pieces like a puzzle that then have to be assembled.
Yesterday I wanted a protein bar from a cabinet in the kitchen. The next thing I knew I was standing at the refrigerator with an ice pack in my hand. I put the ice pack back, shook my head and laughed at myself. Then I was able to recall the original thought and get my protein bar.
Ding, ding, ding! I’m NOT forgetting. The brain has a process to turn thought into action and I am missing neurons all over the place. But at least I’m getting to the right room. It’s like that old game of Gossip. By the time a message is whispered to the last person, the original message is completely mixed up.
Why is this a good thing? Because it’s proof neurons are healing. I had an integration of sorts on 1/1/11 and two new emerging fragments are beginning to heal. Studies have shown that the brains of those with DID do heal. I went from carrying a piece of paper or losing all to having a neuron path that retains the original information even if the path leads me to the wrong door. I have a path!
As I continue to heal, more neurons will fill in. No one can say if I’ll ever actually fill the path in completely but I’ve reached a much better understanding. And I’m not forgetful. I’m neuron-challenged.